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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To reach out to dying ex friend?

195 replies

juliettv · 07/12/2023 15:55

We are both 38 and had been friends since 18
We stopped speaking 4 years ago as she was absolutely awful to me.
She had for as long as I can remember put me down,used me as the but of her jokes.
She reported me for benefit fraud (told social services I was stealing from my dying mothers pension )told horrible lies about me to our mutual friends,tried to paint me as crazy and a bad person.
Luckily I had proof of mums bank statements etc and it was wrote of as malicious but it was a dark time in my life and caused me so much sadness whilst caring for mum.
Anyway I lost two friends because of it (they were friends I met through her )
My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "
I hated her for a long long time
Her husband left her and she changed .
She would sleep with married men,didn't care who she hurt
She seemed to hate me
Said I was too thin,didn't like my clothes
You wouldn't believe the vendetta she had against me
Anyway -
Her brother (who I still speak too on fb ) as he is a lovely person
Messaged shes got stage 4 cancer
She doesn't have long to live
I've got this overwhelming sadness
I wouldn't wish this on anybody
We had good times and I just keep thinking of those.
I'm so upset she's dying and my other friends think I'm crazy for feeling like this after what she put me through
I want to reach out and just say something
Send flowers -I don't know
Aibu ?
She has 2 18 year old sons who will be loosing the most important person and I just feel a heavy heart because I know what it's like.
Some perspective would be great
Thankyou

OP posts:

10HailMarys · 08/12/2023 08:33

No, don’t reach out to her, because she’s a complete cunt. People don’t suddenly become nice just because they’re dying.

My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "

You’re insane if you think this woman deserves even your sympathy, let alone flowers.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 08/12/2023 08:41

I'd send 'couldn't happen to a better person, ha ha'.

Fuck her and the horse she rode in on. She's a nasty person and doesn't deserve your friendship now.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 09:12

You can feel sad about the cancer but this doesn't mean you have to reach out she was Awful to you her disease doesn't change that

thewalrus · 08/12/2023 09:14

I think you have to do what's best for you (recognising that getting in touch may not bring you the closure I think you want). She's treated you horribly, and that can coexist with the fact that something terribly awful and unlucky has happened to her. I don't think anyone should judge you, or you should judge yourself, for not wanting anything to do with her after how she's treated you.

I fell out with a best friend years ago. (Actually, fell out isn't quite right - she just stopped talking to me.) My version of events is that she dumped me when I got together with my now husband. I suspect hers would be that I was a needy drama queen and she'd had enough, but I don't know that. She died of cancer several years ago. I chose not to reach out to her when I found out. I felt it would be more about me and my needs than her, and I thought she'd be prioritising the things she wanted to do. I would absolutely have responded to any approach from her at the time. (I live in a different country now.)

I don't regret it - or at least I don't definitely regret it. I think of her, and I wish we'd been able to sort things out. (I don't think either of us were bad people.) In many ways, I have never had another friendship like it.

I think in the circumstances I have described, I was right to try to put my friend's (perceived) needs above any of my own (though who is to say if I got it right). I think in your circumstances it is completely appropriate to put your own needs first.

FiveShelties · 08/12/2023 09:16

I would not, you have no idea how she might respond and could hurt you all over again.

billy1966 · 08/12/2023 09:16

Absolutely not.

Say a private prayer for her if you wish, but don't go near her.

AramintaLee · 08/12/2023 09:17

I wouldn't do it. She sounds like a nasty person and although you probably hope she'd appreciate you reaching out, she might use it as a way to lash out at you one final time which won't make you feel any better. You can feel sorry for her privately or at the most tell her brother you're sorry for what the family must be going through.

Honestly if she really wanted to make amends before passing away, it's on her to reach out to you and you sound like the type of person that would be gracious if she did. So maybe tell yourself you'll keep that door open if she reaches out to you, but otherwise I'd leave it alone.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/12/2023 10:13

No absolutely do not. She's a horrible person and was utterly cruel to you. Don't put yourself through it. She doesn't deserve your kindness.

BlondeFool · 08/12/2023 10:18

I forgive easily but no way would I forgive her gloating about my parents death.

I wouldn't be in touch with her but maybe go to the funeral if you want closure. Her brother sounds nice.

LexieAndSloaneTho · 08/12/2023 10:20

You could always text her "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha"

Leave well alone. People don't become better people just because they are dying.

GandalfTheWhite · 08/12/2023 10:23

Fuck her, she sounds like an absolutely vile person. The messages she sent you after the loss of your mother are abhorrent.

In fact if anything I'd be tempted to reach out and tell her "couldn't happen to a better person haha" but alas two wrongs don't make a right.

Move on with your life and forget her

overwhelmed2023 · 08/12/2023 10:24

Ah that's all a sad story. I would either visit or send a card of good wishes , keeping it simple x

GandalfTheWhite · 08/12/2023 10:37

I like the suggestion of a previous poster, to send a message saying "remember the messages you sent after my mother's death? I'd like to extend the same sentiments to you"

But you don't seem like the kind of person to say that, given that you're sad about her illness (!!)

Original poster

juliettv · 08/12/2023 10:43

Thanks everyone I'm not going to reach out
I've had some really helpful and eye opening replies
If the shoe was on the other foot she would probably dance on my grave.
I'm saying nothing to her

OP posts:

ToWhitToWhoo · 08/12/2023 10:50

If she tries to reach out, I'd accept it under the circumstances, and not reject her out of anger. However, I wouldn't try to reach out spontaneously. You are not friends, and you didn't just lose touch; she was actively and persistently vicious to you. Would she even welcome your getting back in touch?

toomuchfaff · 08/12/2023 11:20

spiderlight · 07/12/2023 16:17

I'd leave it for now, but reach out to her sons afterwards.

This!

You're obviously an empathetic person; and you're feeling very impacted by the news of this woman's illness and the subsequent impact her death will have on her family members. There is nothing wrong with that. However, this woman was never a friend to you, you may think you had some good times but she never considered you as a friend; you don't treat people you care about the way you describe. You may have been associated for a long period of time, 20 yrs - that doesn't make a friendship, she is is vicious and vile and you will unlikely get what you want from the interaction if you were to contact her now.

kirbykirby · 08/12/2023 11:29

Shouldn't she be contacting you to apologise and make peace? I would think so.

tiv2020 · 08/12/2023 11:30

I think if she has changed, SHE will reach out to you.
If she does, I would still be wary and keep my distance.

Do not initiate contact with someone as deranged as that.

madeinmanc · 08/12/2023 11:35

If she reaches out (unlikely) I'd accept any apology just to give a dying person peace of mind, that is different from contacting her, though.

BirthdayRainbow · 09/01/2024 19:13

@juliettv what did you decide to do?

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