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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reach out to dying ex friend?

195 replies

juliettv · 07/12/2023 15:55

We are both 38 and had been friends since 18
We stopped speaking 4 years ago as she was absolutely awful to me.
She had for as long as I can remember put me down,used me as the but of her jokes.
She reported me for benefit fraud (told social services I was stealing from my dying mothers pension )told horrible lies about me to our mutual friends,tried to paint me as crazy and a bad person.
Luckily I had proof of mums bank statements etc and it was wrote of as malicious but it was a dark time in my life and caused me so much sadness whilst caring for mum.
Anyway I lost two friends because of it (they were friends I met through her )
My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "
I hated her for a long long time
Her husband left her and she changed .
She would sleep with married men,didn't care who she hurt
She seemed to hate me
Said I was too thin,didn't like my clothes
You wouldn't believe the vendetta she had against me
Anyway -
Her brother (who I still speak too on fb ) as he is a lovely person
Messaged shes got stage 4 cancer
She doesn't have long to live
I've got this overwhelming sadness
I wouldn't wish this on anybody
We had good times and I just keep thinking of those.
I'm so upset she's dying and my other friends think I'm crazy for feeling like this after what she put me through
I want to reach out and just say something
Send flowers -I don't know
Aibu ?
She has 2 18 year old sons who will be loosing the most important person and I just feel a heavy heart because I know what it's like.
Some perspective would be great
Thankyou

OP posts:
Mistymountain · 07/12/2023 18:08

I really don't think I would get in touch. She may not want to hear from you and people when they're dying are unlikely to feel ready for emotional reconciliations and stress.

Notahammersfan · 07/12/2023 18:09

I’d also add a ‘friend’ was also unpleasant to me for year before my Dad died and completely ghosted me without ever telling me what her issue was. On the day he died she’d obviously found out and sent a text of ‘thoughts and prayers’ to me. My immediate reaction was ‘Fuck off dear’.

Whatthefnow · 07/12/2023 18:10

Do what your conscious can live with.

Onlinetherapist · 07/12/2023 18:10

I’ve heard it said that people die how they lived. It’s unlikely that she will have changed her ways even in the face of death.

Goatymum · 07/12/2023 18:11

Has it made you think about your own mortality because she behaved awfully towards you and I’d not be sending her anything.
A simple falling out, I’d send a card saying you’re sorry to hear etc, but this is more than that.
If anything I’d contact her sons as it’s horrible to lose a parent young, but that’s all I’d feel bad about.

DriftingDora · 07/12/2023 18:11

Why would you contact her sons afterwards, OP? They don't know the story - but what if they do, and they've been told her version of events? Would they even want you contacting them - surely it might add to their distress if she's told them a story about you? Let it be - don't try to make the situation better, it can't be changed - and she hasn't suddenly morphed into a 'good' person if what you say is true. Not everything can be put right in life, sometimes it's better to just walk away.

LylaLee · 07/12/2023 18:13

Notahammersfan · 07/12/2023 18:09

I’d also add a ‘friend’ was also unpleasant to me for year before my Dad died and completely ghosted me without ever telling me what her issue was. On the day he died she’d obviously found out and sent a text of ‘thoughts and prayers’ to me. My immediate reaction was ‘Fuck off dear’.

Did you actually say that or you thought it?

QueenofTerrasen · 07/12/2023 18:16

savethatkitty · 07/12/2023 17:22

I'd be tempted to msg "couldn't happen to a better person", but I may or may not occassionally hold grudges ;-)

If she'd said that to me I really think I'd be tempted to do the same, but I don't think I could be that nasty. I'd definitely think it! I'm the CEO of a Grudgery myself Grin

formulaonecar · 07/12/2023 18:17

Let it be - don't try to make the situation better, it can't be changed - and she hasn't suddenly morphed into a 'good' person if what you say is true. Not everything can be put right in life

Agree 100%. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is leave things alone. You can't fix this, you can't change the past, you can't heal her, you can't change her, you can't take the pain away for her sons. Getting involved now might be deeply upsetting for everyone - especially if she has lied to her family about you. We all have things in life we cannot fix and this is one of them.

AlwaysGinPlease · 07/12/2023 18:19

My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha

What is wrong with you that you would forgive this. She sounds like she deserves to be where she is, if all you say in your post about her is true.

Strokethefurrywall · 07/12/2023 18:19

Just because she's dying, doesn't mean she's a good person.

Allow your sympathy to remain with her kids but don't keep any for her. She sounds like an absolutely horrendous human being.

Couldn't happen to a nicer person indeed.

FutureUncertain · 07/12/2023 18:21

Amchoor · 07/12/2023 17:34

I wouldn't do anything. Anything you do would really only be for your benefit rather than for hers or her children's at this stage. And as awful as she has been to you, it's not about you now and you should leave them to it. I think a card of condolences after she passes would seem appropriate though.
The best thing you can do for yourself is try to heal and move on from the friendship without having to involve her or her family.

Plenty of people you don't want to hear from come out of the woodwork when they find out your parent is dying. No one seems to consider how intrusive it really can feel, they just think they're doing the right thing.

I agree @Amchoor

Mittens1717 · 07/12/2023 18:21

Honestly no I wouldn't, she sounds vile and you sound lovely, I really don't think there's much point, leave the past where it is

Buggersticks · 07/12/2023 18:22

I wouldn't. I couldn’t. It sounds like my ex-friend. Sometimes folk are inexplicably mean to others who they resent or envy, or have the need to put people down to feel good about themselves. They are bullies. If she felt any remorse at all about being such a nasty sh*t to you, at the lowest point of your life, then she'd try to reach out (via her brother or however) at this point of hers. But she hasn't. She doesn't deserve your heartfelt sorrow. You sound like a lovely person, but if you do this, prepare to possibly feel worse. How are you going to take it if she throws it back in your face? I think tell her brother that you're sorry they are going through this (maybe pass on your sympathies to her) and be a friend to him afterwards. Xx

Notahammersfan · 07/12/2023 18:23

@LylaLee sorry to be clear, thought it. I didn’t acknowledge the text or give her the time of day.

ChateauDuMont · 07/12/2023 18:24

Deep down you only want to reach out to her so that you can feel morally superior to her, which is understandable.

I doubt she would entertain seeing you and would turn it into your wanting to gloat at her.

Jztbrzzsy · 07/12/2023 18:24

Just because she has cancer doesn't mean she is a nice person now, or deserving of your kindness after the frankly evil things she did to you.

Everyone dies. Sad but true. It's ok to feel nostalgic for the good times. But honestly why reach out. She may even use it as a chance to be horrible to you all over again.

ThreeRingCircus · 07/12/2023 18:27

No, I would not contact her. You haven't spoken for 4 years and it would potentially be different if she had reached out to you directly but she hasn't.

Personally, I could not forgive or forget what she had done so I would send a message to her brother and pass on a message to her children offering your condolences. That would put my mind at rest that I'd offered sympathy to her poor kids and her brother who will be suffering, but would avoid any contact with her directly.

moonshinepoursthroughmywindow · 07/12/2023 18:29

I think it would be a nice thing to do just to send a card or flower with a message saying you're thinking of her, not asking to see her or anything.

Except... there's a small part of me that wonders if she's really dying or has somehow managed to convince her brother to help her manipulate you. I think I'd want to hear about it from somebody else too before I sent anything. There's an outside chance she will be laughing at you because you fell for a ploy.

I should add that I think that's very unlikely, but I can't shake the thought that it's possible. This is because the person I knew who behaved a bit like this has now managed to manipulate and emotionally blackmail some of her family members into doing things I would never have expected them to do. As far as I know she's never got them to tell anyone she's dying (though she does weaponise her own health issues and pointedly reach for an inhaler or rush to the toilet if she doesn't get her own way), but she has managed to get some family members to stop talking to others for no very good reason, creating a massive rift and some very unhappy small children. Really unpleasant people can have a surprisingly strong hold over others sometimes. Can you get anyone else to independently corroborate the brother's story? If not, could you handle it if sending a card somehow came back to bite you on the bum, in the form of more bitching or sneering? You may be a confident enough person to handle that possibility, but there would be no shame in deciding you don't want to in the circumstances.

Pillboxer · 07/12/2023 18:29

She’s a thoroughly unpleasant human being who behaved appallingly you. Now she’s dying. What does the second fact have to do with the first two?

Buggersticks · 07/12/2023 18:29

Incidentally, does her brother know how badly his sister treated you? And if so, what was his response? Did he ever explain why she acted so maliciously?

procrastinationismyhobby · 07/12/2023 18:30

The immature side of me would be so tempted to message her saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha"... (But I really wouldn't!) That "friendship" such as it was died a long time ago thanks to her, and it sounds like you're already grieving the loss of someone who at one point, you considered a friend. Nothing to be gained by reaching out now, but be there to support her brother through it all, as you're still friendly with him.

stallonesbicep · 07/12/2023 18:30

My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha

The kind of person who sends this to someone whose mum just died isn't going to be moved to happy tears by a card saying "thinking of you". This shows a severely disordered personality which would take years of serious therapy to fix and the likelihood is, it can't be fixed. This woman is seriously fcked up and you could send 50 bouquets of flowers and she still wouldn't give a toss about you. It's very kind of you to think of her but you don't have that much power I'm afraid. This person very likely has a severe personality disorder and nothing you say or do will change that.

SkyTree · 07/12/2023 18:40

I wouldn’t. I think it’s fine to pass sympathies to her brother, say you’re thinking of her and the whole family at this sad time, but I wouldn’t reach out.

ExTheCheater · 07/12/2023 18:43

Nope. I probably wouldn't believe it anyway.