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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reach out to dying ex friend?

195 replies

juliettv · 07/12/2023 15:55

We are both 38 and had been friends since 18
We stopped speaking 4 years ago as she was absolutely awful to me.
She had for as long as I can remember put me down,used me as the but of her jokes.
She reported me for benefit fraud (told social services I was stealing from my dying mothers pension )told horrible lies about me to our mutual friends,tried to paint me as crazy and a bad person.
Luckily I had proof of mums bank statements etc and it was wrote of as malicious but it was a dark time in my life and caused me so much sadness whilst caring for mum.
Anyway I lost two friends because of it (they were friends I met through her )
My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "
I hated her for a long long time
Her husband left her and she changed .
She would sleep with married men,didn't care who she hurt
She seemed to hate me
Said I was too thin,didn't like my clothes
You wouldn't believe the vendetta she had against me
Anyway -
Her brother (who I still speak too on fb ) as he is a lovely person
Messaged shes got stage 4 cancer
She doesn't have long to live
I've got this overwhelming sadness
I wouldn't wish this on anybody
We had good times and I just keep thinking of those.
I'm so upset she's dying and my other friends think I'm crazy for feeling like this after what she put me through
I want to reach out and just say something
Send flowers -I don't know
Aibu ?
She has 2 18 year old sons who will be loosing the most important person and I just feel a heavy heart because I know what it's like.
Some perspective would be great
Thankyou

OP posts:
zingally · 07/12/2023 16:49

I think it's entirely reasonable to wish someone well, and send positive thoughts their way, without actually reaching out to them personally. I do it whenever an ambulance "blues and twos" it's way past me.

Perhaps you could light a candle for her and donate to the relevant cancer charity in her name?

BudgieBardot · 07/12/2023 16:50

You have a really big heart and you went through a horrible time yourself

Americano75 · 07/12/2023 16:50

Fuck me, no chance I would get in touch with her. She sounds vicious.

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/12/2023 16:52

Why would you want to? The fact that she's dying doesn't mean she's retroactively any nicer of a person.

And from her point of view, why would she want to spend any of her energy now dealing with someone who fell out with her.

You won't be helping either of you by reaching out.

SerafinasGoose · 07/12/2023 16:53

NCNCNCNCNCNCNCMC · 07/12/2023 16:01

Reach out for what?

To tell her your sorry she's dying? Remember what she said after your mother's death FGS. This woman is vile and what's happening to her is probably karma.

She will probably take the opportunity to hurt you again. People like that don't change, even when facing death.

Edited

That is not true. If there's any such thing as karma it certainly isn't thought to work like this. If we all got what we deserved in this life then too many wonderful, beautiful souls I've been privileged to know would still be alive right now.

However, I'm also on the side of 'let sleeping dogs lie'. The things she's said are terrible, and the tragedy of her terminal illness doesn't make them any less terrible. Nor do they say anything at all positive about the kind of character that could even conceive of these things, much less say them.

OP if you contact this woman it's for you, and for your own peace of mind. It's not really about her. But I think, given the history, that no peace of mind can possibly come from this encounter. The relationship ended because this is what was best for you, and for her.

The kindest thing you can do now for both of you is to leave this safely in the past. I'm really sorry: life can be so cruel sometimes (and its cruelty is entirely arbitrary; illness doesn't discriminate). Hope you're ok.

Thedm · 07/12/2023 16:56

The only thing I’d want to reach out and say is, “now that you’re dieing, I wonder how you’d feel if someone told your sons that you and they deserve it, which is what you did when my mother died.”

But as that would be a truly awful thing to say, I would simply keep my mouth shut.

Stay away from it OP. She was absolutely awful to you. Having this tragedy happen to her and her sons does not rake anything away from that. Sometimes awful people die in sad circumstances, but they’re still awful. You can acknowledge to yourself that the circumstances are pretty sad without forgiving or reaching out to a person who was truly vile to you.

LakeTiticaca · 07/12/2023 16:57

Hell no
To use her own words "couldn't happen to a better person"

Memyselfandtheothers · 07/12/2023 16:58

What will leave you with a sense of peace after she dies? If reaching out will benefit you then I would suggest you do it. Just be careful and put boundaries in place to protect yourself. Think about how different potential responses could impact you.
You sound like a big-hearted person. Look after yourself in this.

Squiggles23 · 07/12/2023 16:58

If the cancer might have been starting and affecting her mental state then yes.

If she was just being horrible then for your own sake I think cancer or not unfortunately she’s a horrible person.

I wouldn’t personally, it sounds way too far

fairymary87 · 07/12/2023 16:58

Foolishness

Winter2020 · 07/12/2023 16:58

I would leave it. You could open a can of worms - she might treat you badly again.

I would just reply to her brother “sorry to hear that - I’ll be thinking of you all”. She has managed the last 4 years without you - she doesn’t need you now. If she does need you or to make peace with you she will be in touch herself.

venusandmars · 07/12/2023 16:59

I'd write down all the nice times you had together, the good things you remember. That feels like a positive thing for you to do for yourself.

Add in a couple of really high level things you feel sad about (without delving into the detail) e.g. 'I'm really sad that you are unwell'; 'I'm sad that our friendship changed'. That acknowledges the current reality

Then decide whether you send it to her, or whether you keep it to your self of whether you send it to her sons at some future point.

LylaLee · 07/12/2023 16:59

The friend you thought you had died a long time ago.

In any case, if she wants to make peace with the world before she leaves it, it is for her to reach out. She's the wrongdoer.

Maybe she doesn't have the capacity for self reflection and contact from you will just make her last days painful as she will feel the guilt but not have the capacity to apologise.

She probably never thinks of you.

forrestgreen · 07/12/2023 17:00

You can forgive her without reaching out also.
Just decide it was an awful part of your life.
You didn't wish illness upon her. Life just happens.
You parted ways a long time ago, just leave it.
It's obviously a turbulent time for her and she may not welcome you popping back into her life, no matter how well meaning.

She don't come to you to ask forgiveness, so just leave her with her family.

Northernsoul72 · 07/12/2023 17:03

Maybe a letter expressing what ever you feel...if that would give you some sort of closure.

diamondpony80 · 07/12/2023 17:06

I wouldn't. She sounds like a terrible person so I don't see why you should be the one reaching out to her.

Georgyporky · 07/12/2023 17:06

If she wanted to see you, surely she would have said so to her brother, & sent a grovelling apology?

Halfacnut · 07/12/2023 17:06

Horrible people get cancer too.
If her brother is genuinely nice, you can give him your condolences and say you're sorry for her chidlren.
But I wouldn't have anything to do with her. She is poisonous.

2catsandhappy · 07/12/2023 17:07

Hang on a minute. At no point has this ex friend reached out to you. She is staring into her grave and NOT thinking 'I feel bad about how I treated @juliettv I'll say sorry'

Reap what you sow.
When she has died, send a copy of a nice photo of her to her sons.

LostFrog · 07/12/2023 17:09

from the title I was going to say yes of course, then I read your post and christ that’s so awful. I have changed my mind. If she reaches out to you and apologises then maybe, but that’s just so spiteful I’m not sure I could forgive.

Mywingshurt · 07/12/2023 17:10

What would you personally stand to gain if you reached out to her...

How would you feel if she was still a hateful person who showed no remorse?

How would you feel if she acted like normal and offered no apology?

How would you feel if you did nothing and she died?

Personally I wouldn't reach out. If she genuinely is sorry and isn't a wicked and horrible person, she'll want to reach out and make amends before she dies. If she doesn't, then it couldn't have happened to a better person.

Kittylala · 07/12/2023 17:10

Sounds like Karma found her!

HamBone · 07/12/2023 17:10

HowToSaveAWife · 07/12/2023 16:04

The very most I would say is to the brother that I'm sorry your family are going through this and for her sons to lose their mother.

But from your snippets,it seems she was a friend to no one and life has dealt her the hand she deserves.

I would do what @HowToSaveAWife suggests and leave it at that.

What she did to you was truly awful, far beyond a typical falling out between friends. I wouldn’t make any contact with her again.

DingDongMerrilyWithPie · 07/12/2023 17:10

2jacqi · 07/12/2023 16:22

Not a nice person! dont go near her!

This ⬆️. You sound like a really lovely person OP but I think in this case it's best to stay away.

Grumpusaurus · 07/12/2023 17:12

Why bother?! With what you described, I'd piss on her grave.

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