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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reach out to dying ex friend?

195 replies

juliettv · 07/12/2023 15:55

We are both 38 and had been friends since 18
We stopped speaking 4 years ago as she was absolutely awful to me.
She had for as long as I can remember put me down,used me as the but of her jokes.
She reported me for benefit fraud (told social services I was stealing from my dying mothers pension )told horrible lies about me to our mutual friends,tried to paint me as crazy and a bad person.
Luckily I had proof of mums bank statements etc and it was wrote of as malicious but it was a dark time in my life and caused me so much sadness whilst caring for mum.
Anyway I lost two friends because of it (they were friends I met through her )
My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "
I hated her for a long long time
Her husband left her and she changed .
She would sleep with married men,didn't care who she hurt
She seemed to hate me
Said I was too thin,didn't like my clothes
You wouldn't believe the vendetta she had against me
Anyway -
Her brother (who I still speak too on fb ) as he is a lovely person
Messaged shes got stage 4 cancer
She doesn't have long to live
I've got this overwhelming sadness
I wouldn't wish this on anybody
We had good times and I just keep thinking of those.
I'm so upset she's dying and my other friends think I'm crazy for feeling like this after what she put me through
I want to reach out and just say something
Send flowers -I don't know
Aibu ?
She has 2 18 year old sons who will be loosing the most important person and I just feel a heavy heart because I know what it's like.
Some perspective would be great
Thankyou

OP posts:
Regr · 07/12/2023 17:33

I wouldn’t reach out, she was very very cruel to you and what sounds like incredibly jealous and set about trying to really hurt you, but also it sounds like she doesn’t have much time left, I think the most respectful thing to do (even though she wasn’t to you) would be to leave her this time with her sons rather than reopening old doors and express sympathy with the brother when that time comes.

Amchoor · 07/12/2023 17:34

I wouldn't do anything. Anything you do would really only be for your benefit rather than for hers or her children's at this stage. And as awful as she has been to you, it's not about you now and you should leave them to it. I think a card of condolences after she passes would seem appropriate though.
The best thing you can do for yourself is try to heal and move on from the friendship without having to involve her or her family.

Plenty of people you don't want to hear from come out of the woodwork when they find out your parent is dying. No one seems to consider how intrusive it really can feel, they just think they're doing the right thing.

similarminimer · 07/12/2023 17:35

I am so surprised by all these replies. I would send a letter, saying, truthfully, that you were sad to hear the news, particularly for her sons and that it had made you remember the happy times in the past, before it all went wrong. A couple of reminiscences, signing off with 'i have written this without expecting a reply, and I wish you and your lived ones well'.

I would feel better for doing the above, if you wouldn't, then don't, but it would bot be weak or foolish to acknowledge the good times

Andthereyougo · 07/12/2023 17:36

You say to the brother on FB you’re sorry to hear she’s ill and later you can say you're sorry for his loss, but I’d stop at that.
Being terminally ill doesn’t turn a nasty person into a nice one. Yes it’s sad she’s got such a horrible illness but nothing you say or do can change that.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 07/12/2023 17:37

The thing is OP, she might have had her diagnosis for quite some time already but she hasn't contacted you to explain/apologise/make amends.
I would let sleeping dogs lie.

Verbena17 · 07/12/2023 17:37

Anybody dying is sad BUT she was completely horrid to you and if anyone should be reaching out, it should be her….asking you to forgive her for what she did.

If she did that, then fine, perhaps respond back but if I was in your shoes, you’ve not talked for 4 years, I’d leave it be.

kiwiandcherries · 07/12/2023 17:41

I think it's understandable that you are feeling this sadness but, from the things you have shared about how awful things became, I wouldn't try and make connection with her unless you feel certain that you couldn't live with yourself if you don't.

balmysummerevening · 07/12/2023 17:42

No, I wouldn't reach out. Just because someone is dying doesn't mean every awful thing they did is erased from memory and it doesn't lessen the emotional damage it did to you. It also doesn't mean they have changed or even regret what they did.

Authenticity and sincerity is important to me and I would know that I was only reaching out due of some kind of pity/duty and not because I genuinely cared about that person so to me, its not truly an authentic expression of care and support.

What I would do is forgive her in my mind and reach a place of acceptance and forgiveness within myself. You can still do that without making contact.

IWIllDoItNowInAMinute · 07/12/2023 17:42

I wouldn’t. Be sad for her brother and support him if you have that sort of friendship, but I wouldn’t reach out to her. She is a person from your past, and a horrible sounding one at that. I doubt she’s changed because of the diagnosis, if she was spiteful and the type to lash out before, that’s likely to have increased in her current situation.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/12/2023 17:46

No, I would just leave it and honestly I get angst-ridden about these sort of things and what I should do. But in your case it seems clear cut. She sounds like a vile person and I'm inclined to think "what goes around comes around". I don't understand what you think reaching out to her will achieve? If she wanted to say sorry to YOU for all the horrible things she did and said to you she would have reached out already.

In fact I would be concerned that your boundaries are really not healthy if this person put you through absolute hell at the worst time in your life and you are STILL thinking about seeing her. Your own friends are also telling you it's a bad idea.

If SHE were to ask to see or speak to YOU I would probably go/take the call. Reluctantly. Just in case she was going to apologisem to give ME some closure. But you will just feel terrible if YOU approach HER in the hope of trying to find an explanation for her past truly awful behaviour and she denies she was ever that bad, or somehow blames you or tries to excuse or minimise her behaviour.

ChristmasPuddy · 07/12/2023 17:49

I think if you wanted to reach out a card would be the best thing to do. Sending texts/messages could just open the floodgates.

ripplingwater · 07/12/2023 17:49

Wintersgirl · 07/12/2023 17:32

I'd leave it, no good could come from this, as others have said she could still be nasty to you on her death bed, she could start crying and get upset and you'll get blamed by her sons for "upsetting" her even though she's in the wrong.

This. This situation has the potential to become very nasty and distressing. It's a mistake to think just because someone is dying they instantly morph into someone angelic, kind and loving. Many people don't- in fact, they can become even more bitter and angry than they were before.

If you do contact her and she reacts badly, you will then get the blame for upsetting a dying woman. Leave it. No good will come of this and it could end up upsetting you even more.

Ionlylikedityesterday · 07/12/2023 17:49

Don’t reach out now. Don’t contact her sons afterwards either. They don’t know or understand the whole story. Nor would your contact be welcome by them. Why would it be.
There is no benefit to contact now or after she has passed away.

jollywhite · 07/12/2023 17:50

Christ no. Do not reach out.

SunshineAndFizz · 07/12/2023 17:50

What's the reason for doing it - what are you hoping the outcome will be?

That she'll say sorry before she dies (probably won't, she sounds horrible)?

That you'll get some closure (you won't - some people are just horrible)?

Be honest for your reasons and then ask yourself will you get that outcome.

NoTouch · 07/12/2023 17:52

Support her brother, but keep away from her.

At times like this is doesn't matter anymore what she did, you are not friends, you haven't been for years and with good reasons. How you feel about it all is not the priority now.

No point in faux caring now, best thing to do is to leave her be to deal with it with her own family/friends and not be raking up the past.

Fairylightfurore · 07/12/2023 17:52

I would focus on supporting her brother and kids

Blinkityblonk · 07/12/2023 17:57

Dying people are just people, same as they were before they were dying. I would leave this but express sadness to the brother. If she's not reaching out making amends, any other interaction will be strained and troublesome. Dealing with everyone else's issues when you are dying or very close to a dying person is very tiring, you often haven't got the energy for it.

giraffetrousers · 07/12/2023 17:57

If this woman was literally gleeful that your mum died, why on earth would she want to hear from you now? it sounds like she utterly despises you.

You aren't responsible for absolving her of her horrible actions in life. We all have to take responsibility for our own actions and surely if she genuinely did regret her actions she would have reached out to YOU. But she hasn't has she?

Leave this one well alone.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 07/12/2023 18:00

Absolutely nothing good can come out of this. Don't reach out.

Notahammersfan · 07/12/2023 18:00

Bloody hell, @juliettv she sounds EXACTLY like my sister who also made up shite about me stealing from our parents whilst they were at end of life. And also involved SS and wasted their time. I’ll never know why but suspect jealousy. My sister is a narcissist and your friend sounds similar. Narcs will never admit they are wrong so what are you hoping for? There will be no tearful reunion, and she will never say sorry. Her family’s view of you will have been poisoned by her lies so there is nothing to be gained there either - you might come across as gloating at her predicament in their eyes (even though you sound like a decent person) Protect yourself and let sleeping dogs lie.

EwwSprouts · 07/12/2023 18:01

I wouldn't get in touch with her. Also people with stage 4 cancer may very sadly have a terminal diagnosis but for a few treatment can give them a couple more years. Don't give her the opportunity to be malicious again.

hsapposhit · 07/12/2023 18:03

I wouldn't.
She was truly awful to you and you should not put yourself in a position where she can start on you again.
What she said when your mother died was vile.

Ladyof2022 · 07/12/2023 18:03

No, no, no.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/12/2023 18:08

jollywhite · 07/12/2023 17:50

Christ no. Do not reach out.

Totally agree.

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