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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reach out to dying ex friend?

195 replies

juliettv · 07/12/2023 15:55

We are both 38 and had been friends since 18
We stopped speaking 4 years ago as she was absolutely awful to me.
She had for as long as I can remember put me down,used me as the but of her jokes.
She reported me for benefit fraud (told social services I was stealing from my dying mothers pension )told horrible lies about me to our mutual friends,tried to paint me as crazy and a bad person.
Luckily I had proof of mums bank statements etc and it was wrote of as malicious but it was a dark time in my life and caused me so much sadness whilst caring for mum.
Anyway I lost two friends because of it (they were friends I met through her )
My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "
I hated her for a long long time
Her husband left her and she changed .
She would sleep with married men,didn't care who she hurt
She seemed to hate me
Said I was too thin,didn't like my clothes
You wouldn't believe the vendetta she had against me
Anyway -
Her brother (who I still speak too on fb ) as he is a lovely person
Messaged shes got stage 4 cancer
She doesn't have long to live
I've got this overwhelming sadness
I wouldn't wish this on anybody
We had good times and I just keep thinking of those.
I'm so upset she's dying and my other friends think I'm crazy for feeling like this after what she put me through
I want to reach out and just say something
Send flowers -I don't know
Aibu ?
She has 2 18 year old sons who will be loosing the most important person and I just feel a heavy heart because I know what it's like.
Some perspective would be great
Thankyou

OP posts:
ExTheCheater · 07/12/2023 18:45

She doesn't like you obviously, so don't give her a second thought.

louloubelx · 07/12/2023 18:49

Maybe she asked her brother to contact you and has realised the error of her ways but is too cowardly to reach out herself for fear of rejection? Does her brother know what happened between you? Perhaps explain to him your predicament, gently? And he might offer some insight into why he has reached out to you?

ScroogeMcDuckling · 07/12/2023 18:50

You’re ex friends for a reason.

BirthdayRainbow · 07/12/2023 18:54

I've recently had a friend of 36 years on and off be absolutely awful to me. I think of her sometimes but haven't messaged her. Nor her me. Just a couple of times since the incident. I've discussed it with my therapist and she asked me to think about the friendship over the years. It has been quite toxic but has been better than when we were teenagers. If she messaged me I would think about replying, I wouldn't just text back thoughtlessly.

if you message her and she gives bile back or anything other than I am so sorry how would you feel? If she ignores you how will you feel?

you cam support her husband and sons without being her friend again.

im sorry you are going through this.

Eddielizzard · 07/12/2023 18:59

Absolutely don't. You'll be giving her more ammunition to hurt you. She is who she is, she won't magically have changed and there won't be resolution for you.

newhaircut · 07/12/2023 19:01

You haven't spoken in 4 years and she was absolutely vile to you.

No matter how you word a card or no matter how nice your flowers are, it's either going to come across as patronising, completely fake, or like you're gloating. I really wouldn't do anything. If you really cared about the good times with this person you wouldn't have waited until she was dying to reach out and going by her behaviour, she's lucky any at all is still speaking to her.

skibiditoilet · 07/12/2023 19:02

What @crispcreambun said

Dotcheck · 07/12/2023 19:04

ichundich · 07/12/2023 15:59

I don't think i would. Karma is a bitch.

Ffs- how cold.

OP if you’ll regret doing nothing, just send a card which say that you are thinking of her.

PinkyFlamingo · 07/12/2023 19:05

Are you mad? It's ok to feel a bit sad I suppose but she was horrible to you! That's not ok. And dying doesn't make her a nice person.

happyfoot · 07/12/2023 19:11

Any chance she has a brain tumour that caused her to behave this way?

If not, there is no way I'd ever be sending that nasty vindictive bitch anything at all.

CaroleSinger · 07/12/2023 19:17

What was it she said when your mum died? Perhaps remember that bit before getting too sentimental. That for me would never be forgivable. Ever. Yeah it's sad her teens will be left behind but that's not really your sadness.

LauderSyme · 07/12/2023 19:20

I think, rather than reaching out to her, it would benefit you more to reflect upon why you are so willing to forgive her malicious behaviour and why you don't have strong personal boundaries to protect yourself from abusive people.

Couldyounot · 07/12/2023 19:21

What she said to you was pretty much unforgivable and after a long run of poor behaviour towards you. Fair play to you for wanting to reach out. I couldn't. But if you do, there's a risk she may assume you've got in touch to gloat (because it's the sort of thing she would do) and that wouldn't go well

Kittylala · 08/12/2023 06:14

Of do calm down. My post was for OP not you!

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2023 06:21

It would be different if she was reaching out to you with a sincere apology. She's not though is she? I wouldn't want to be anywhere near her after the things she said

Justfinking · 08/12/2023 06:29

Her behaviour seems unforgivable but if it would make you feel better then do it, only think about why you want to and what you want to get out of it as it may not go the way you think and not end well

WandaWonder · 08/12/2023 06:38

Justfinking · 08/12/2023 06:29

Her behaviour seems unforgivable but if it would make you feel better then do it, only think about why you want to and what you want to get out of it as it may not go the way you think and not end well

All this exactly

Userxyd · 08/12/2023 06:52

As others said, she's not asked to speak to you herself, and facing death doesn't change her into an angel.
Theres every chance she'll become even worse to you as she'll be angry that she's dying and you're not.
Getting in touch might actually create more, worse drama for her, her brother and her sons.
She might welcome the distraction from her cancer and use it to spread more lies about you. Saying you're gloating, you're glad she's dying etc.
Remember she's spiteful in ways most of us couldn't contemplate- she might leave you with regret and sadness way beyond where you are now- turn her brother and sons against you etc.
I totally get you're seeking reconciliation and closure but that's for your benefit not hers. Let her live her final days in peace without stirring up old hate and opening old wounds.
Your final gift to her for the good times you had can be not complicating things for her at this horrible time. She may have a shred of decency and shame about how she treated you but it would take a lot of courage for her to apologise etc now- don't put that expectation on her.
Just leave them to deal with their grief alone and be there with sadness after she's gone.
You're a good person to be debating how to respond, don't put this internal struggle on her just leave her be xxx

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 08/12/2023 07:02

What do you hope to achieve?

I wouldn't go there after the way she treated you.

Jifmicroliquid · 08/12/2023 07:02

Sometimes you have to do what feels right for you. Reaching out doesn’t have to mean that you forgive her, but that you are a good person who doesn’t wish ill on anyone.

As someone else has suggested, could she have had the cancer at the time and not known and that’s why it caused her to behave so strangely? Like a brain tumour or something?

Twazique · 08/12/2023 07:31

Step away from this OP, no good will come.

It probably isn't true, if it is she may want one more chance to feel good by hurting you.

The most I would do is go to her funeral.

SisterhoodNotCisterhood · 08/12/2023 07:35

crispcreambun · 07/12/2023 16:05

I'm nowhere near malicious or ballsy enough (plus karma fear), but it would be so tempting to send this right back at her:

My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "

I'd be tempted too but I'd make it coded. "Do you remember the texts you sent me when my mum was dying? What you said? I heard about what's happening now and would like you to extend to you those same sentiments."
That way she can't throw a bomb on your life before she kicks the bucket without revealing the vile things she said to you.

Dolphinnoises · 08/12/2023 07:38

No, do not contact her. You won’t get your happy ending. I understand the temptation for a resolution but it won’t happen. She is who she is. I would consider therapy to talk through why this person still has such a handle on you, though

Notsurewhatnext · 08/12/2023 07:41

I wouldn't. you have moved on. She caused you a lot of grief. what do you hope to gain from it? I would leave it tbh.

Bellyblueboy · 08/12/2023 07:59

She clearly hates you. Why would she want to hear from you?

And I hope you hate her.

there is no point in reconnecting. Sounds like she won’t apologise so what will you both say?