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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reach out to dying ex friend?

195 replies

juliettv · 07/12/2023 15:55

We are both 38 and had been friends since 18
We stopped speaking 4 years ago as she was absolutely awful to me.
She had for as long as I can remember put me down,used me as the but of her jokes.
She reported me for benefit fraud (told social services I was stealing from my dying mothers pension )told horrible lies about me to our mutual friends,tried to paint me as crazy and a bad person.
Luckily I had proof of mums bank statements etc and it was wrote of as malicious but it was a dark time in my life and caused me so much sadness whilst caring for mum.
Anyway I lost two friends because of it (they were friends I met through her )
My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "
I hated her for a long long time
Her husband left her and she changed .
She would sleep with married men,didn't care who she hurt
She seemed to hate me
Said I was too thin,didn't like my clothes
You wouldn't believe the vendetta she had against me
Anyway -
Her brother (who I still speak too on fb ) as he is a lovely person
Messaged shes got stage 4 cancer
She doesn't have long to live
I've got this overwhelming sadness
I wouldn't wish this on anybody
We had good times and I just keep thinking of those.
I'm so upset she's dying and my other friends think I'm crazy for feeling like this after what she put me through
I want to reach out and just say something
Send flowers -I don't know
Aibu ?
She has 2 18 year old sons who will be loosing the most important person and I just feel a heavy heart because I know what it's like.
Some perspective would be great
Thankyou

OP posts:
hookiewookie29 · 07/12/2023 17:13

No, I absolutely wouldn't. If she wasn't ill then you wouldn't even be thinking about getting in touch.

allmyliesaretrue · 07/12/2023 17:13

crispcreambun · 07/12/2023 16:05

I'm nowhere near malicious or ballsy enough (plus karma fear), but it would be so tempting to send this right back at her:

My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "

That was my first thought too! What a hate-filled person.

I wouldn't bother. That's unforgiveable. Being terminally ill won't have turned her into a nice person.

EllaPaella · 07/12/2023 17:14

The brother probably has no idea why you fell out and has been told a completely different version of events by her. I suspect if he knew the truth he would never have dreamed of reaching out to you.

Don't'reach out' to her. She's been a toxic influence in your life and you owe her nothing. If yoo want to forgive her you can do that without having to see her or have any contact.

Balloonhearts · 07/12/2023 17:14

I wouldn't. Not least because the urge to quote her previous text about your mum back at her would be strong.

I'd not do anything, let her wallow in her regrets if she has any, it's not your responsibility to reach out to her.

PrinceHaz · 07/12/2023 17:14

I would imagine you suited her as a friend because you’re empathetic meaning you could be a support for her but also willing to put up with terrible behaviour from her. Eventually it became too much for you and self preservation kicked in.
Now she is vulnerable, your empathetic nature is coming to the fore again meaning you’re semi indulging in a fantasy idea of her based on happy memories. Abusive people are always nice and fun at times - that’s how they hook you in.
I would say do not see her. The people who are around her now are her support. You really don’t need to do any more than send him your condolences.

Globules · 07/12/2023 17:16

Ignore all the posters. They can do them. You do you.

If you found out she had died, would you regret not having been in contact?

Will you regret not contacting before she dies?

What will give you peace in this situation?

I know exactly how I would handle this. And what I would need to do to live with myself. But I'm not you. All the best finding your peace.

CharlotteRose90 · 07/12/2023 17:17

I wouldn’t . Sounds like karma got her back in the worst case possible. Send wishes to her sons once she’s gone.

user1471556818 · 07/12/2023 17:17

I would as others have said let her brother know you are sorry and leave at that . It is sad when a friendship ends but this wasn't a fade away it was brutal and nasty.

SuspiciousSue · 07/12/2023 17:17

Don’t bother.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/12/2023 17:18

I would t reach out to her, she made it clear when you were ‘friends’ what she thought

could you reach out to the children after?

Reallynotoverreacting · 07/12/2023 17:19

She deserves what she's getting, honestly, sounds like a wicked poisonous person and I for one wouldn't contact her.
Narcissists don't change, imminent death won't have changed her either because she will 100% believe she doesn't deserve it, when you know better.
Awful for her children, let's hope they're not like her .

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/12/2023 17:21

Kittylala · 07/12/2023 17:10

Sounds like Karma found her!

Oh do fuck off with karma.

Do you realise what you're saying? That all people who die young must have been shitty people?
Just think for a bloody second before you trot out such crap.

savethatkitty · 07/12/2023 17:22

I'd be tempted to msg "couldn't happen to a better person", but I may or may not occassionally hold grudges ;-)

Rocksonabeach · 07/12/2023 17:23

I would send a version of your op to her brother. I would write want she did to you and say you have no idea why she was so awful to you or why she changed and did what she did and you went no contact 4 years old because of it. Explain that you have made your personal peace with her behaviour and how she treated you and although you don’t wish cancer or an illness on anyone you won’t be reaching out to her.

I would then say:

if your sister has been asking about me and wanting to get in touch I really don’t know why this would be the case.
if she wants forgiveness -
I made peace with what she did a long time ago but if she wants me to listen to her in person I’m happy to do that

or
If you wants forgiveness -

Im afraid I have moved on and don’t want to open the wound that she caused.

all the best ….
me too

Morewineplease10 · 07/12/2023 17:23

No. In most cases I would, but not this one.

Look after yourself op.

Pluviophile1 · 07/12/2023 17:24

As long as you're not expecting a tearful apology from her and a reconciliation between the two of you. She might just take the opportunity to twist the knife further. How would you feel if that happened? Would you feel OK with it?

FWIW, I have a similar situation with a friend. I don't wish her dead, but I never want to see her again under any circumstances.

BlastedPimples · 07/12/2023 17:25

Good god no. Protect yourself forevermore.

MzHz · 07/12/2023 17:25

HowToSaveAWife · 07/12/2023 16:04

The very most I would say is to the brother that I'm sorry your family are going through this and for her sons to lose their mother.

But from your snippets,it seems she was a friend to no one and life has dealt her the hand she deserves.

Well, I agree with the first paragraph but not the second

cancer doesn’t mean you deserve it! Good people get sick and die, and bad people get sick and die.

@juliettv this woman went above and beyond to try to ruin your life and destroy you.

leave her alone and live your best life. You’re feeling sorry for her sons and brother and they’re not going anywhere

to let her back into your life would hurt you all over again and she doesn’t deserve that power over you.

Mojolostforever · 07/12/2023 17:26

I wouldn't contact her at all. You might feel as if it's a loving gesture, but apart from anything else, it would be hypocritical. You say you hate her.
In any case she might react nastily. Her illness won't be making her any more sweet tempered.
You can be sorry for the boys of course, but leave her be.

Keepingongoing · 07/12/2023 17:27

It’s an interesting one as few people would reach out in the circumstances. What she did to you was way beyond the normal wear and tear and misunderstandings of friendship, it sounds truly vicious.

I wonder if there’s a fantasy of an apology from her for past behaviour, which would repair the damage she did to you? That sounds very unlikely from what you’ve said. People can totally re-write what’s happened or simply remember things differently.

It might be different if she’d reached out to you, but she hasn’t. The potential for further hurt seems quite high here.

allmyliesaretrue · 07/12/2023 17:27

If she had any desire to make peace with you, she would reach out to you. Leave her to it. I doubt she will.

Curtainscurtains · 07/12/2023 17:28

I think it's lovely of you to think of reaching out but from what you've said, it's likely that she will think you're gloating as that would be within her frame of reference. So I wouldn't.

Singsonggsu · 07/12/2023 17:28

Leave it. You owe her nothing.

pikkumyy77 · 07/12/2023 17:31

F

Wintersgirl · 07/12/2023 17:32

I'd leave it, no good could come from this, as others have said she could still be nasty to you on her death bed, she could start crying and get upset and you'll get blamed by her sons for "upsetting" her even though she's in the wrong.