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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reach out to dying ex friend?

195 replies

juliettv · 07/12/2023 15:55

We are both 38 and had been friends since 18
We stopped speaking 4 years ago as she was absolutely awful to me.
She had for as long as I can remember put me down,used me as the but of her jokes.
She reported me for benefit fraud (told social services I was stealing from my dying mothers pension )told horrible lies about me to our mutual friends,tried to paint me as crazy and a bad person.
Luckily I had proof of mums bank statements etc and it was wrote of as malicious but it was a dark time in my life and caused me so much sadness whilst caring for mum.
Anyway I lost two friends because of it (they were friends I met through her )
My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "
I hated her for a long long time
Her husband left her and she changed .
She would sleep with married men,didn't care who she hurt
She seemed to hate me
Said I was too thin,didn't like my clothes
You wouldn't believe the vendetta she had against me
Anyway -
Her brother (who I still speak too on fb ) as he is a lovely person
Messaged shes got stage 4 cancer
She doesn't have long to live
I've got this overwhelming sadness
I wouldn't wish this on anybody
We had good times and I just keep thinking of those.
I'm so upset she's dying and my other friends think I'm crazy for feeling like this after what she put me through
I want to reach out and just say something
Send flowers -I don't know
Aibu ?
She has 2 18 year old sons who will be loosing the most important person and I just feel a heavy heart because I know what it's like.
Some perspective would be great
Thankyou

OP posts:
FreeAdamsApples · 07/12/2023 16:18

What would you like to achieve by reaching out? Would it be for you or for her?

You say you hated her (which is totally understandable after all she said and did to you) until you heard she was dying. That's a very quick switch - her bad news doesn't trump all the bad she did to you. Her dying will not undo her intentional treatment of you.

As others have said, don't expect her to be nice to you just because you're being the bigger person. You don't owe her anything but if you do reach out, be prepared that you might be hurt even more.

girlfriend44 · 07/12/2023 16:18

No I wouldnt.

RudsyFarmer · 07/12/2023 16:19

Just leave it. She wasn’t a friend to you and won’t appreciate any kindness from you. She will perceive it as pity.

2jacqi · 07/12/2023 16:22

Not a nice person! dont go near her!

Scorchio84 · 07/12/2023 16:23

HowToSaveAWife · 07/12/2023 16:04

The very most I would say is to the brother that I'm sorry your family are going through this and for her sons to lose their mother.

But from your snippets,it seems she was a friend to no one and life has dealt her the hand she deserves.

That's really goog advice & it's is what I'd do because after what she has said & done on you while you were caring for your dying mam is unforgiveable, cancer, like death, does not make angels of us all & people shouldn't get a "free pass" on things they've said & done just "because.."

I'm sorry she was such a shit friend, especially when you actually needed her & by extension your other friends

WinterDeWinter · 07/12/2023 16:24

I think that the only reason you know about this is because her brother is understandably feeling awful (even if they are not close) and he reached out to give himself an outlet.

So I think the best thing you can do is to be there for him, including being (reasonably) honest about the fact that she 'took against me' or similar.

I think that's the direction your good heart should turn towards, not to the woman herself. It would be different if he'd said 'she's asking you to get in touch' but that's not the case, and in fact doing so could be pretty awful for her as well as you. It could well be that she doesn't want evidence of her previous viciousness to be brought up - she may be trying to squash the memories.

Only mentioning the impact on her not because her feelings should come first but because you seem like someone who would be considerate of that kind of thing rather than a ' couldn't happen to a nicer person haha' shit person.

Phopickles · 07/12/2023 16:27

I totally understand why it makes you feel conflicted. You can carry terrible angry, hurt feelings about someone for very good reason, but when you realise their plight is worse than yours - i.e. their life is soon over - it evokes compassion and pity rather than anger.

You don't have to forget but in some ways forgiving is for you, not her; carrying it around can be a burden. Reaching out to expression your compassion for her death - and nothing else - might set you free from your hatred of her, which can only be a good thing. And if she scorns that, then it's no worse than she has already done.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 07/12/2023 16:27

I would send a nice letter or a card with some kind words and leave it at that. I fully admit that I would be doing it for my own piece of mind but also just in case she is mulling over her past mistakes and I couldn't bear the idea of her leaving this world with so much regret.
I'm not a Christian btw but I do believe in forgiveness for my own sanity 💐.

CalistoNoSolo · 07/12/2023 16:30

Just leave her alone, she clearly hates you.

Shufflebumnessie · 07/12/2023 16:31

Personally, I wouldn't.

Stopbloodybanging · 07/12/2023 16:33

Sorry, but I wouldn’t touch her with a 10 ft barge pole after how she behaved towards you.
If she does have cancer and if she does die, then I would reach out to her brother snd her sons.

HesAWankerOp · 07/12/2023 16:34

As you say op, you lost your dm young (so sorry for your loss), and what did this woman do? Sent you a really fucking nasty message (after trying to get you into all sorts of legal trouble). By all means feel bad for her dc, but she deserves nothing from you in any sort of positive way. Leave it well alone.

madeinmanc · 07/12/2023 16:34

No, don't contact her.
Also, as someone else said, there's no evidence her feelings towards you have changed just because she's dying, is there?

adriftabroad · 07/12/2023 16:35

No. She will not want it. You do not need it.

lovelyjubbly888 · 07/12/2023 16:36

No. Absolutely not. Not after everything you’ve listed she has done!

MimiGC · 07/12/2023 16:36

Her brother will no doubt tell you when she dies, so that could be a time when you express your condolences to her family, especially her sons.

Floralnomad · 07/12/2023 16:36

Leave it , she has family and friends and being ill doesn’t suddenly make her a nicer person .

SirenSays · 07/12/2023 16:37

I was almost positive I was going to say Reach out, but that comment about your poor mum made me blood run cold. What a nasty thing to say.

If you think it will give you closure, do it for you. Personally I think I'd offer condolences to her brother and sons and leave it at that tbh.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/12/2023 16:40

I don't think I would unless I thought the personality shift was as a result perhaps if she had a brain tumour. If it would make you feel better you could send some flowers with a 'thinking of you all' message. If she really wants to make amends she could respond but I would try not to focus on the possibility of a reunion.

WhatInTheFuckery · 07/12/2023 16:41

She was awful to you, it is not your job to bury the hatchet. If anyone needed to make peace it should have been her. I wouldn't want to speak to her again if I was in your shoes

diddl · 07/12/2023 16:44

She was awful to you!

Who would you be doing it for?

Lovemusic82 · 07/12/2023 16:45

You can’t just be nice to someone because they are dying, her dying doesn’t change how she treated you or the kind of person she is. It’s not only nice people who die of cancer. It’s fine to feel sorry for her family but I wouldn’t make contact with her, she treated you badly, she’s not a friend.

secretrugbyfan · 07/12/2023 16:46

I tend to go by the 'have no regrets...' belief.

So, if she dies and you didn't contact her, would you regret this? If you would do, then contact her, because once she's gone, there's no going back.

Aside from that, the decision you have to make is whether what's happened in the past affects what you do. Personally, I couldn't do it, but I'm not you.

You do whatever is right for you.

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2023 16:47

juliettv · 07/12/2023 16:02

Not sure if I'm letting nostalgia from a friendship that never was cloud my judgement
Until I found this out I hated her
Like hated her
Maybe it's her sons I'm sad for because I lost a parent young

I wouldn't

She was horrible for a reason and don't assume she's changed

She also (sorry) may not like you any more so reconnecting may cause upset

ArchetypalBusyMum · 07/12/2023 16:49

Don't get in touch.
Give her brother your regret and sorrow that she is so ill, tell him whilst you know your relationship is over you also have good memories of her and will remember those too (presume he knows what she did).
If he asks will you get in touch, you can gently say that you don't think you are the right person to be involved at this delicate time, but that you would never wish her any harm or suffering.

Is she reached out, to say sorry... You could recognise that and offer her your forgiveness.

It is natural to feel sad and nostalgic, but the barn you describe is very serious and I think it would trigger nothing good unless, maybe, if she instigated it.