Not to make an effort with the mums at children's school?

Awkwardmum6 · 2023-12-06T14:58:12+00:00

DD started reception a few weeks later than everybody else and then it was DH doing most of the school runs. I've taken over now and I'm a less familiar face and nobody seems to want to chat to me. I find it almost painful to stand around near the other parents at pick up. I've always felt shy meeting new people, unless it's 1-1, so being lumped in with 20+ unfamiliar people all stood in one place chatting.. makes me feel so anxious and, although ridiculous, a bit upset. I smiled at one mum today as she had glanced over at me a few times, she just looked through me, so that was nice. I'm not looking for friends so that doesn't bother me, I just cannot seem to get past how uncomfortable I feel at school. So much so I'm thinking of waiting around the corner until the last minute and avoiding everybody completely 😂 Does anybody else feel like this?

LittleRedDots · 06/12/2023 15:00

I don't talk to most people at my son's school. When I do it can be a bit awkward but I don't let it bother me. We aren't mates. Just happen to be at the same place at the same time 5 days a week.

TeaKitten · 06/12/2023 15:01

Have you tried chatting to anyone to introduce yourself?

Original poster

Awkwardmum6 · 06/12/2023 15:01

LittleRedDots · 06/12/2023 15:00

I don't talk to most people at my son's school. When I do it can be a bit awkward but I don't let it bother me. We aren't mates. Just happen to be at the same place at the same time 5 days a week.

That's a really good way of looking at it.

OP posts:

APurpleSquirrel · 06/12/2023 15:03

Ask your DC to point out any friends they've made, make a mental note of who the parent(s) are & next time sidle up & say 'oh, your xxx's mum/dad? How are they getting on?' Or words to that effect.
You may just have to make the first move.
Also, once birthday parties start you'll meet parents that way too.
You could also join the PTA - that's what I did.

Nevermind31 · 06/12/2023 15:03

Keep going, keep smiling, once you’ve seen people a few times maybe say Hello.
it will develop gradually. I think when my sod changed school it took a few months for me to make the first mum friend to chat to at the gates…and it grows from there.
but at that age it is important as your child’s social life depends on you knowing the other parents.

Original poster

Awkwardmum6 · 06/12/2023 15:03

TeaKitten · 06/12/2023 15:01

Have you tried chatting to anyone to introduce yourself?

God no. I would rather not 😁

OP posts:

TeaKitten · 06/12/2023 15:04

Awkwardmum6 · 06/12/2023 15:03

God no. I would rather not 😁

Show quote history

Fair enough 😅

BippityBopper · 06/12/2023 15:04

Don't feel you need to make an effort and, I don't want to make you feel worse,but I have found that parent interaction can help with your child's inclusion. E.g. I'm sure half the birthday parties DS was invited to was because I was friendly with the child's parent.

I completely understand how you feel though. I'm an introvert and made 1000% effort when DS was in reception. Now he's in Year1 I just can't keep it up. I'm all out of small talk topics about how they're settling in. I make sure I arrive just as school is finishing and drop him off just as school starts. No hanging around in the playground.

Coffeerum · 06/12/2023 15:05

You aren’t making conversation with anyone and therefore no one is doing it back. You can’t always blame other people.

Original poster

Awkwardmum6 · 06/12/2023 15:05

My DD is the opposite to me she's really social and outgoing so has had no problems making friends. She was at a classmates party last week which I made DH go to

OP posts:

Stephy1024 · 06/12/2023 15:06

I actively try to avoid most parent's. Can't be bothered with the smalltalk with people I don't particularly like lol.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 06/12/2023 15:06

Yep I feel like this. Except I don’t want anyone to talk to me and I don’t think anyone is being off with me they are just talking to people they know more. I’ve learnt to get comfortable standing on my own. It’s just a daily task, it’s not a social opportunity for me. I imagine it’s harder if you want to speak to people but can’t manage it. If that’s the case I’d suggest being brave and arrriving early one day to start a chat with one of the more approachable mums- maybe prep what you might say.

BananaSplitsss · 06/12/2023 15:06

BippityBopper · 06/12/2023 15:04

Don't feel you need to make an effort and, I don't want to make you feel worse,but I have found that parent interaction can help with your child's inclusion. E.g. I'm sure half the birthday parties DS was invited to was because I was friendly with the child's parent.

I completely understand how you feel though. I'm an introvert and made 1000% effort when DS was in reception. Now he's in Year1 I just can't keep it up. I'm all out of small talk topics about how they're settling in. I make sure I arrive just as school is finishing and drop him off just as school starts. No hanging around in the playground.

Not necessarily. My child is invited to loads of parties . I don’t speak to many people at all.

Networking as they say has nowt to do with how well liked your child is.

Original poster

Awkwardmum6 · 06/12/2023 15:07

Coffeerum · 06/12/2023 15:05

You aren’t making conversation with anyone and therefore no one is doing it back. You can’t always blame other people.

Fair comment. I'm not. I don't really want to if I'm honest as I just want to get there and leave ASAP, It just feels so awkward being in among lots of parents who do want to chat and have established friendships etc.

OP posts:

NecklessMumster · 06/12/2023 15:07

Don't feel bad that it will affect your child's friendships, that just puts more pressure on you. I also found it excruciating and never really fitted in although it got a bit better as time went by so I could have a polite chat, but both my chikdren did fine socially anyway.

shearwater2 · 06/12/2023 15:09

I never made an effort really as I wasn't always there for pick ups and drop offs - we had a childminder and granny had them one day a week. But still got to know other parents through being on the PTA and helping with events, and through chatting to people at birthday parties and social events for parents. Also seeing other parents at dance class, Rainbows/Brownies etc.

Historybooks · 06/12/2023 15:11

I'd not consider it as there are 20 people. Pick two that you think look friendly. Introduce yourself to them or mention the weather. No you don't have to be friends with everyone but I think having no allies just makes everything feel worse.

idontlikealdi · 06/12/2023 15:13

I hated it, I only had to two days a week. I was friendly with the kids' friends' parents but we mostly worked opposite days or their kids were in ASC / picked up by a childminder / someone else.

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2023 15:14

I mean this kindly but you can't have it both ways.... either you make an effort with people (with all the risk of rejection that goes with that) or you don't bother and just accept that you aren't likely to make friends.

I see so many posts like this about "school gate mums" and how cliquey and bitchy they are and how they look through you. In almost every case it turns out on further interrogation that the OP has massively overthought a trivial interaction or that they haven't made any effort themselves. Has it crossed your mind that the woman who "looked through you" might have had poor eyesight? Or been distracted or tired or ill or hungover? People are human beings and sometimes they aren't at their best. If you want people to cut you a bit of slack you have to extend the same courtesy as they do. There's a whole generation of people on here who read the runes on schoolyard interactions to a ridiculous degree and construct an entire parallel universe of paranoia.

You can go through your school mum career with minimal contact and that's fine. Some people simply don't have time. Or you can show willing, make conversation with people and just accept that they may not be lifelong friends but it's not a bad idea to put your best foot forward.

But what you can't do is on the one hand say "I can't be bothered talking to them" and on the other get pissed off because someone failed to smile at you.

fatsamsgrandslam · 06/12/2023 15:16

At first, I found the playground and school pick up/drop offs so awkward too. As your child goes through the school, I think it does pay to be friendly though. It can be really handy to be able to ask a parent to share lifts to sports events during the school day (this happens A LOT in our school in Yrs 4, 5 and 6) or you get reminded about something happening the next day, hear about class events/collections for teachers. You will be at countless events/meetings/assemblies with this group of parents for 7 years - you don’t need to be best buds but equally don’t think you can avoid these people forever!

Original poster

Awkwardmum6 · 06/12/2023 15:20

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2023 15:14

I mean this kindly but you can't have it both ways.... either you make an effort with people (with all the risk of rejection that goes with that) or you don't bother and just accept that you aren't likely to make friends.

I see so many posts like this about "school gate mums" and how cliquey and bitchy they are and how they look through you. In almost every case it turns out on further interrogation that the OP has massively overthought a trivial interaction or that they haven't made any effort themselves. Has it crossed your mind that the woman who "looked through you" might have had poor eyesight? Or been distracted or tired or ill or hungover? People are human beings and sometimes they aren't at their best. If you want people to cut you a bit of slack you have to extend the same courtesy as they do. There's a whole generation of people on here who read the runes on schoolyard interactions to a ridiculous degree and construct an entire parallel universe of paranoia.

You can go through your school mum career with minimal contact and that's fine. Some people simply don't have time. Or you can show willing, make conversation with people and just accept that they may not be lifelong friends but it's not a bad idea to put your best foot forward.

But what you can't do is on the one hand say "I can't be bothered talking to them" and on the other get pissed off because someone failed to smile at you.

Thepeopleversuswork

I see where you're coming from.

I don't think I conveyed my feelings very well in my OP as I can see it does read that I want it both ways.

In all honesty I don't actually want to chat to anybody so it doesn't bother me that people aren't chatting to me. I just feel really, really awkward there.

The mum looking through me thing isn't an issue to me as you said it could be any 1 of many reasons, I just felt like a bit of a twat as the one time I do make an effort to be friendly (that was an effort believe it or not as I usually just scroll on my phone) it isn't well received 😂

OP posts:

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 06/12/2023 15:24

Awkwardmum6 · 06/12/2023 15:03

God no. I would rather not 😁

Show quote history

So why the issue? These posts always come up
'School mums are horrible, no one talks to me'
Have you made any acknowledgement of them or friendly gesture?
'Oh never!! They need to come to ME!!'

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 06/12/2023 15:24

Stephy1024 · 06/12/2023 15:06

I actively try to avoid most parent's. Can't be bothered with the smalltalk with people I don't particularly like lol.

Agree. Keep out of it. I found it to be boring as shite. All they could talk about was kids and trivia

ElAmerico · 06/12/2023 15:25

Its useful to be on speaking terms with other mums, if your child ever wants a playdate its essier if they already know you nobody sane will send their 5 year old to the house of the weird unfriendly mum. Not saying you are weire or unfriendly but that might be their impression by your body language and closed offness. All you need to do is smile and say hello, doesnt matter if sometimes it doesnt get returned as people have bad days or might be distracted. Just keep saying hello. Its useful to have a mum to text if you want to check something for school.
You dont have to be mates but its weird to stand stiff like a board blanking everyone day in day out for years, as your kids could end up in same secondary school. Make the effort.

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2023 15:26

@Awkwardmum6

I hear you. TBH it wasn't directed at you personally: there are hundreds of threads like this every week. I completely understand that its an anxiety-inducing situation.

What I find slightly concerning is that so many people seem to really struggle with anxiety around these fairly basic interactions and become really quick to attribute motives to people which aren't there. It's a wider social issue, not just limited to you. It just concerns me that women in particular seem so crippled by anxiety.

The bottom line is if you want to be friends with people you have to put something out there and sometimes you won't get anything back: them's the breaks. If someone doesn't look at you in the right way you have to learn to frame it in a more positive way ie it's not about you, it's about them. If you want to make friends ever, anywhere, you have to take that risk and so many people seem to be so scared of doing this.