Page 6 | Not to make an effort with the mums at children's school?

Awkwardmum6 · 2023-12-06T14:58:12+00:00

DD started reception a few weeks later than everybody else and then it was DH doing most of the school runs. I've taken over now and I'm a less familiar face and nobody seems to want to chat to me. I find it almost painful to stand around near the other parents at pick up. I've always felt shy meeting new people, unless it's 1-1, so being lumped in with 20+ unfamiliar people all stood in one place chatting.. makes me feel so anxious and, although ridiculous, a bit upset. I smiled at one mum today as she had glanced over at me a few times, she just looked through me, so that was nice. I'm not looking for friends so that doesn't bother me, I just cannot seem to get past how uncomfortable I feel at school. So much so I'm thinking of waiting around the corner until the last minute and avoiding everybody completely 😂 Does anybody else feel like this?

Allfur · 07/12/2023 06:44

They're just people like you

Allfur · 07/12/2023 06:50

It's much better to not drive kids to school if it can be avoided, so don't go down that route

Rochyella84 · 07/12/2023 06:54

It’s totally your call! I’m an introvert but have managed to make a couple of good friends at school over the years. There is one mum in our class who has barely ever spoken to anyone; she stands aside and doesn’t interact. If anyone makes effort and speaks to her she makes short responses and avoids eye contact - as someone who works in the field it’s obvious she is neurodiverse and you know what, nobody judges her. Nobody bitches about her. Everyone is polite and friendly and she just gets on with what makes her comfortable. So you do you!

ALightOverThere · 07/12/2023 06:59

Knowing a few other mums well enough that you can call and ask what the maths homework is or whatever occasionally is useful. Beyond that, of course you don’t need to make friends if you don’t want to.

Do make peace with it though- it would be a shame if every drop off or school event for the next 5 years involved you feeling awkward. There’s nothing to feel awkward about- you’ve chosen not to get to know anyone and so you won’t know them. 🤷‍♀️ YWBU to decide not to make friends and then feel uncomfortable and blame them for it. You don’t know each other, it’s fine.

Delpf · 07/12/2023 07:37

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2023 16:25

@Awkwardmum6

You really can't imagine why somebody with social anxiety or MH problems might find it difficult? Well lucky you.

Some people, for one reason or another, have problems with anxiety, confidence or lack of.

Indeed they do. And something about school seems to really bring it out in spades. I find it quite depressing. There's dozens of threads a week on here from people who have convinced themselves the "school mafia" is out to get them and COVID, with its emphasis on what a great thing it was not to see people, made this a million times worse. I worry a lot about this tendency we see on here all the time to celebrate antisocial behaviour and inwardness: the whole celebration of what's wrongly called "introversion" (but actually isn't introversion at all it's just misanthropy).

It really needs tackling, tbh. Both at an individual and a social level. No one is forcing you to chat to people if you don't want to. Social anxiety is difficult. I used to be cripplingly socially anxious and I basically trained myself out of it because I knew it was no way to live.

It's fine to be shy and not to want to be the life and soul of the party, but there comes a point where you have to grip it: you owe it to your children not to project this anxiety and suspicion onto other people all the time for no reason. If you frame your world from this perspective of "I want to avoid all social contact all the time", it sends a really damaging signal. If it's hurting you that much, seek help for it: get counselling and try to reframe it. Otherwise you need to try to understand that you're not that different and everyone has a degree of this.

Great post. Agree completely - people who make mountains out of the molehills of small social interactions are only harming themselves. I totally understand that people are naturally introverted, have social anxieties, etc. - these are things to overcome, not to indulge. Every awkward/horrible interaction is a life experience - the more, the better!

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 07/12/2023 08:27

Delpf · 07/12/2023 07:37

Great post. Agree completely - people who make mountains out of the molehills of small social interactions are only harming themselves. I totally understand that people are naturally introverted, have social anxieties, etc. - these are things to overcome, not to indulge. Every awkward/horrible interaction is a life experience - the more, the better!

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Same for people who are frightened witless of spiders or dogs. They should go out of their way daily to find a nice big spider and let it crawl over their face. Or a big dog with sharp teeth to jump up on them. It’ll do them good

gotmychristmasmiracle · 07/12/2023 09:14

I am totally the same, introvert and just don't feel like I fit in. Totally know it's my issue but I do try to smile and some conversation. Shame really as I never used to feel this way. Hope it gets easier for us both Xx

Bloodyhellmate · 07/12/2023 09:18

Honestly don't worry about it. I chat to people when I feel like it but sometimes I'd rather just stand and wait on my own. I'm always polite if someone says hello. I also prefer usually to chat one on one rather stand in groups. Just do your own thing. Possible friendships may come in time or maybe just friendly acquaintances and that's fine.

Drlate · 07/12/2023 09:24

My DS is in reception and he’s in breakfast and after school club most days because I’m only able to drop him off on a Thursday and Friday and collect on a Friday. Subsequently haven’t seen the other parents all that much.

He’s made friends with one boy and has been invited to his party so I spoke to his Mum about the party and that was ok. Ever since though, whenever I’ve seen her she looks straight through me. Saw her today and I smiled at her and she didn’t smile back. I’m not entirely sure what faux pas I’ve committed tbh because I’m barely there so don’t see her often… Should be nice and awkward at his actual birthday party if she’s decided to take umbrage with something.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 16:23

If you don't want to say hi and introduce yourself to any of them, why fo you expect them
To do it to you?

StrictlyChancing · 07/12/2023 16:45

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 07/12/2023 08:27

Same for people who are frightened witless of spiders or dogs. They should go out of their way daily to find a nice big spider and let it crawl over their face. Or a big dog with sharp teeth to jump up on them. It’ll do them good

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But are these people also complaining that Incey Wincey is ignoring them and getting upset that Spidey is running away from them when they approach?

It is the ‘I hate people and don’t want to speak to them’ but ‘how dare those rude people ignore me’ incongruity that’s strange to read about.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/12/2023 16:46

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Same for people who are frightened witless of spiders or dogs. They should go out of their way daily to find a nice big spider and let it crawl over their face. Or a big dog with sharp teeth to jump up on them. It’ll do them good

OK but to explore that analogy: I am frightened witless of spiders. Properly terrified. But I recognise that it’s irrational and it’s my problem. And I make sure I keep it away from my daughter.

It’s one thing to have irrational anxiety about things. But as an adult there’s a responsibility to understand that your perspective is not rational. Not to turn it into a sort of cult of pathology and turn everyone who is ok with other people into the enemy. It’s not them, it’s you.

Delpf · 07/12/2023 17:42

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 07/12/2023 08:27

Same for people who are frightened witless of spiders or dogs. They should go out of their way daily to find a nice big spider and let it crawl over their face. Or a big dog with sharp teeth to jump up on them. It’ll do them good

Show quote history

Well...yeah. If you're scared of something and you don't want to be, you have to put in the effort to overcome that fear. I think it does do people good to try things they don't think they're capable of.

FatFatMary · 07/12/2023 19:12

I learned a therapy technique. It’s like:

“what am I nervous about ?
— standing by myself at the school gates
— why does that make me nervous ?
— Because I stand out. Everyone else
talks to each other except me
— So what ?
— It draws attention to me
— So ? What’s the worst thing that will
come of this ?
— People will think I’m weird
— And then what will happen ?
— Nothing.”

sebanna · 07/12/2023 20:06

Even with putting minimal effort in you will soon get to know the other parents. The problem is they all appear to know each other and aren't noticing you. However the opportunity to have a one on one conversation with school parents will naturally occur when you randomly bump into them everywhere and anywhere. They will recognise you or your child and launch into conversation about the school or their children. By the summer your probably know them all at least on a superficial level.

SD1978 · 07/12/2023 20:26

If you won't say hello, you really can't expect everyone else to- if you're happy not talk to them, they may be unsure if you want to be approached, if you're not really giving any indication you do.

Minglingpringle · 08/12/2023 17:42

Many many people feel this way at school gates because other people always look like they’re having lots of fun and know everybody (some of this is illusory).

You are an introvert so you don’t need lots of time with other people because you are happy with your own company.

You are shy so you find it difficult and scary to approach people and push through with trying to make friends, especially if something happens which you can interpret as rejection.

As a result, you tell yourself all you want to do is be left alone.

HOWEVER, the reason you feel awkward and unhappy is because you DO want to be involved, even just a little bit. You want to feel as comfortable and part of things as the other people look. You might even like to make a new friend or two.

The only way to do this is to face your fears and make an effort. If you face knockbacks, don’t let it get to you, keep going. You can’t be worse off than you are currently (zero friends, talking to nobody) so you’ve nothing to lose.

K4tM · 08/12/2023 17:58

OP you are 100% overthinking this.

Craycraycatbaby · 08/12/2023 19:46

Oh god I absolutely hate the school run, but luckily my ds goes to breakfast and after-school clubs as I sadly work during school start and finish times. I am not friends with those people and nor do I want to be. It's only for a few years, you can do it 🙏

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 08/12/2023 19:56

I'm not unfriendly and if someone tried to talk to me I would but, generally I do not interact with school mums and dads. I want to get in and get out both before and after school - I do chat to my DC friends parents if, by some miracle, i'm early.

It doesn't even register as a concern to me, perhaps it should? I am friendly enough I think and I'd talk to a parent if my child wanted a playdate but I don't need more friends to be honest, I struggle seeing everyone as it is.

Seaglass7 · 08/12/2023 20:01

I hated it too, OP.

As time went on I just used to casually walk in seconds before drop off and pick up!

Seaglass7 · 08/12/2023 20:04

But I only had to collect twice a week as DS was in kids club the remaining days. Those were bad enough.

I did talk to people but I imagine that doing it for five days a week leaves you with not a lot to talk about, except if you know the other parent personally.

MalcolmTuckersBollockingface · 08/12/2023 21:11

I'm an extrovert. I didn't gel/my face didn't fit with the parents of the children in my dd's class. My daughter is in year 6 now and you, honestly, care less as time goes on. While it is undoubtedly easier if you cultivate a network at the schoolgates, honestly, the world won't stop turning if you don't.

Kitkatfiend31 · 08/12/2023 21:51

I had the walk to school pick up timed precisely so I got there just in time, to avoid chat. (And I'm I teacher!) Just get on with being you. Some interaction with other parents will happen naturally as your child makes firmer friends.

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 08/12/2023 22:15

I wait in the car until the very last minute, in and out like a flash

I smile at people and say hi if I walk past them but that's enough for me

School pick up uncomfortableness for me is on par with getting in an elevator with a stranger, just feels awkward and I'm not sure why!