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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to make an effort with the mums at children's school?

239 replies

Awkwardmum6 · 06/12/2023 14:58

DD started reception a few weeks later than everybody else and then it was DH doing most of the school runs. I've taken over now and I'm a less familiar face and nobody seems to want to chat to me.

I find it almost painful to stand around near the other parents at pick up. I've always felt shy meeting new people, unless it's 1-1, so being lumped in with 20+ unfamiliar people all stood in one place chatting.. makes me feel so anxious and, although ridiculous, a bit upset.

I smiled at one mum today as she had glanced over at me a few times, she just looked through me, so that was nice.

I'm not looking for friends so that doesn't bother me, I just cannot seem to get past how uncomfortable I feel at school. So much so I'm thinking of waiting around the corner until the last minute and avoiding everybody completely 😂

Does anybody else feel like this?

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 10/12/2023 23:03

@StellaGibson2022 "school gate parents can be a weird bunch"
But if you have children who attend a school then you are a "school gate parent" too.
What makes "them" a weird bunch - but not you?
Unless you are weird too 🤔

Leah5678 · 10/12/2023 23:06

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2023 17:58

@Gringlebat

It’s the false bravado and hostility expressed by some. ‘Everyone is sooo rude to me and stuck-up. But I couldn’t care less. I don’t actually want to speak to them. And they are all boring anyway’. It’s just odd.

Life generally involves some civility. I don’t want to be best friends with the dry-cleaner. But I still smile and make some brief small-talk as needed when I pick up my trousers.

I agree. Plus the inevitable invocation of "But I'm an introvert, see" on all of these threads. It's so utterly predictable and tiresome. Within a couple of pages it invariably reverts to "the dreaded extroverts are out to get us".

You're not an introvert, you just need to grow up and accept that dealing with other human beings from time to time is part of life.

Ironically the whole point of school is largely supposed to be to train kids out of this sort of solipsism but so many adults seem to revert back to this when faced with taking their own kids to school and apparently can't see the parallels.

Is it necessary to be so harsh though? Most introverts are quiet/shy because they don't like themselves and are scared people will hate them. I know because I was extremely shy as a kid. Saying they just need to get over themselves is easier said then done.

I get that mumsnetters are sick of these types of threads but I doubt op knew there were already a million similar threads when she posted this. Her post doesn't come across as shitty like those other threads either

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 10/12/2023 23:12

rainbowxlight · 10/12/2023 22:08

I've felt this way too OP and know it causes anxiety or strife for other mums too. However , I've started to wonder how many dads feel the same way...? Do they ever feel this crushing pressure to make friends with parents at their kids' school? From what I've seen, they don't. I wonder if we should take a leaf out of the dads' book!

I am a dad and you’ll find my perspective on this earlier in the thread. I got fairly shredded for saying I also avoid contact and don’t engage with other parents. They’re just not my kind of people.

Early on in primary school I took my kids to a village fete thing in the place they go to school. I was talking to the mum of one of my daughters friends, and her husband physically put himself in between us with his back to me and ended out conversation just like that.

Then later a few more parents of kids in my daughter’s class were sitting at a table in front of the village hall and invited me to sit down. On a chair they had placed away from the table all by itself. Weird. I got myself a pint and sat alone on the other side of the field, didn’t have any interest in any of them after that.

StellaGibson2022 · 10/12/2023 23:23

Needmorelego · 10/12/2023 23:03

@StellaGibson2022 "school gate parents can be a weird bunch"
But if you have children who attend a school then you are a "school gate parent" too.
What makes "them" a weird bunch - but not you?
Unless you are weird too 🤔

My contribution to the thread was offering OP some reassurance that the awkwardness will reduce and its fine not to make an effort and how I wish I had kept my distance.

Sorry if I said something to offend you 😬 am sure you are lovely and not at all weird

Fizbosshoes · 10/12/2023 23:32

Needmorelego · 10/12/2023 23:03

@StellaGibson2022 "school gate parents can be a weird bunch"
But if you have children who attend a school then you are a "school gate parent" too.
What makes "them" a weird bunch - but not you?
Unless you are weird too 🤔

This is what I don't understand.
Technically every mum who has a child between 5 and 16, and sends them to school is a school mum.
What separates those who don't want to associate with other school mums or makes them different?

Whilst I agree, personality type plays a part, most people, even introverts have friends, but why, by virtue of the fact they are at a school gate have people written off a whole load of people who they may/may not have things in common with.

Of course it's not compulsory to be friends with anyone at all, or any school mums...but chances are, if they're at the same life stage they will be around and available at the same sort of times/places, and, being mercenary about it will be useful to know. Friends without children, or with teens/older kids are likely not available or keen to hang around a soft play area at half term, or go to a farm on a dreary inset day.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 10/12/2023 23:39

I don’t single out school parents in particular, I avoid everyone equally.

LBFseBrom · 11/12/2023 06:32

A girl after my own heart :-) !

Allfur · 11/12/2023 06:58

Brrrrrr, do you are basing your opinion on every single parent at that school on a couple of bad interactions?! The world would be a cold place if everyone did this

Allfur · 11/12/2023 06:58

*so

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 11/12/2023 07:38

Allfur · 11/12/2023 06:58

Brrrrrr, do you are basing your opinion on every single parent at that school on a couple of bad interactions?! The world would be a cold place if everyone did this

There are plenty more unfortunately, and I can’t be iterating through everyone.

ManagedMove · 11/12/2023 07:41

BippityBopper · 06/12/2023 15:04

Don't feel you need to make an effort and, I don't want to make you feel worse,but I have found that parent interaction can help with your child's inclusion. E.g. I'm sure half the birthday parties DS was invited to was because I was friendly with the child's parent.

I completely understand how you feel though. I'm an introvert and made 1000% effort when DS was in reception. Now he's in Year1 I just can't keep it up. I'm all out of small talk topics about how they're settling in. I make sure I arrive just as school is finishing and drop him off just as school starts. No hanging around in the playground.

Absolutely this. We have five children between us and the one that got the most birthday invites and play dates etc was the one where I really tried to make friends with other mums.

judgedreadful · 11/12/2023 07:42

Once the party invites and play dates start that will be an opener. I just use to comment on the weather if a parent was stood nearby and then I'd say morning when next crossing paths and I was soon talking to other parents.

Needmorelego · 11/12/2023 07:48

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr quite impressive that you have children as you seem to hate human interaction.

Historybooks · 11/12/2023 14:50

Awkwardmum6 · 06/12/2023 15:20

Thepeopleversuswork

I see where you're coming from.

I don't think I conveyed my feelings very well in my OP as I can see it does read that I want it both ways.

In all honesty I don't actually want to chat to anybody so it doesn't bother me that people aren't chatting to me. I just feel really, really awkward there.

The mum looking through me thing isn't an issue to me as you said it could be any 1 of many reasons, I just felt like a bit of a twat as the one time I do make an effort to be friendly (that was an effort believe it or not as I usually just scroll on my phone) it isn't well received 😂

Show quote history

I am a bit confused. How can you feel so awkward that other people are friends if you don't want to be friends? For example I know I'd like to be friends with some, my OH knows he doesn't care. I think until you decide what you want you will feel awkward.

Smiling at someone and not being acknowledged once is hardly a big thing or lots of effort. Like others say maybe she was tired.

I accidentally gave someone a dirty look because I felt she rushed round a corner in her car and almost hit me. I realised it wasn't her really just the shape of the road. Fine, she doesn't seem to hate me or have noticed. If I want to interact with someone I don't just smile.

Historybooks · 11/12/2023 14:55

Fizbosshoes · 10/12/2023 23:32

This is what I don't understand.
Technically every mum who has a child between 5 and 16, and sends them to school is a school mum.
What separates those who don't want to associate with other school mums or makes them different?

Whilst I agree, personality type plays a part, most people, even introverts have friends, but why, by virtue of the fact they are at a school gate have people written off a whole load of people who they may/may not have things in common with.

Of course it's not compulsory to be friends with anyone at all, or any school mums...but chances are, if they're at the same life stage they will be around and available at the same sort of times/places, and, being mercenary about it will be useful to know. Friends without children, or with teens/older kids are likely not available or keen to hang around a soft play area at half term, or go to a farm on a dreary inset day.

Show quote history

I agree. Why do people say things like I have nothing in common with these people. Yet the same people didn't make that assumption when their kids were in nursery, when they were at uni or started a new job.

There's something about the dynamic though. Why people worry so much about fitting in etc.. maybe it just reminds us of being at school ourselves.

Parker231 · 11/12/2023 15:18

There are big differences between working and non working parents . I never did school gates or needed to arrange play dates or days out on inset days as we used breakfast, after school and holiday clubs. DT’s didn’t suffer from lack of friends or party invites as invitations were sent home in book bags and we didn’t need after school play dates.

I met some of the parents at breakfast club drop off, after school club collection and weekend sports events.

Needmorelego · 11/12/2023 16:21

@Parker231 how did you know which parents were "non-working" parents and which ones were "working" parents?
As people don't tend to have a giant sign declaring their employment status on their heads 🤔

NerrSnerr · 11/12/2023 16:33

Parker231 · 11/12/2023 15:18

There are big differences between working and non working parents . I never did school gates or needed to arrange play dates or days out on inset days as we used breakfast, after school and holiday clubs. DT’s didn’t suffer from lack of friends or party invites as invitations were sent home in book bags and we didn’t need after school play dates.

I met some of the parents at breakfast club drop off, after school club collection and weekend sports events.

Both my husband and I are working parents and we still do the school runs due to our working pattern. Most of the parents I speak to also have jobs. That's a massive assumption that those who are on the school gates don't have a job (and I wonder if you're implying are below you in some way?)

Parker231 · 11/12/2023 17:12

@Needmorelego @NerrSnerr

Done of the working parents I know from DT’s school did the school gates - we all used the breakfast and after school clubs due to working hours/commute time. I only met the other parents when collecting DT’s and that was quite rare as the parents collected at different times - same when DH did the morning drop offs to breakfast club

NerrSnerr · 11/12/2023 17:14

@Parker231 you'd only know about the people doing the wraparound care though. If you were never there for school time drop off and pick up how did you know the employment status of all the parents?

Parker231 · 11/12/2023 17:29

NerrSnerr · 11/12/2023 17:14

@Parker231 you'd only know about the people doing the wraparound care though. If you were never there for school time drop off and pick up how did you know the employment status of all the parents?

Because with the exception of three families , all the others in DT’s classes used the breakfast and after school clubs. Wrap around care was one of the reasons many parents chose the school.

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/12/2023 17:38

@Leah5678

Is it necessary to be so harsh though? Most introverts are quiet/shy because they don't like themselves and are scared people will hate them. I know because I was extremely shy as a kid. Saying they just need to get over themselves is easier said then done.

But this is exactly the problem: an introvert is not just a person who doesn’t like themself. That’s a widespread view but it’s not correct.

An introvert is someone who needs time to regroup and reboot on their own. Not someone who hates all social interaction and goes out of their way to find offence in trivial situations.

Most of these people are just misanthropes passing themselves off as “introverts”.

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/12/2023 17:41

@Historybooks

I agree. Why do people say things like I have nothing in common with these people. Yet the same people didn't make that assumption when their kids were in nursery, when they were at uni or started a new job.

I know. It may come from a place of shyness but it just comes across as arrogance. How can you rule out an entire demographic of people like this.

Minglingpringle · 11/12/2023 17:49

Fizbosshoes · 10/12/2023 23:32

This is what I don't understand.
Technically every mum who has a child between 5 and 16, and sends them to school is a school mum.
What separates those who don't want to associate with other school mums or makes them different?

Whilst I agree, personality type plays a part, most people, even introverts have friends, but why, by virtue of the fact they are at a school gate have people written off a whole load of people who they may/may not have things in common with.

Of course it's not compulsory to be friends with anyone at all, or any school mums...but chances are, if they're at the same life stage they will be around and available at the same sort of times/places, and, being mercenary about it will be useful to know. Friends without children, or with teens/older kids are likely not available or keen to hang around a soft play area at half term, or go to a farm on a dreary inset day.

Show quote history

It’s a defence mechanism. They tell themselves they don’t want to know the people because they realise they’re failing at it.

I’ve felt that sort of thing sometimes in my life but I realised I was kidding myself and doing myself a disservice so I always argued myself out of it.

Minglingpringle · 11/12/2023 17:54

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/12/2023 17:38

@Leah5678

Is it necessary to be so harsh though? Most introverts are quiet/shy because they don't like themselves and are scared people will hate them. I know because I was extremely shy as a kid. Saying they just need to get over themselves is easier said then done.

But this is exactly the problem: an introvert is not just a person who doesn’t like themself. That’s a widespread view but it’s not correct.

An introvert is someone who needs time to regroup and reboot on their own. Not someone who hates all social interaction and goes out of their way to find offence in trivial situations.

Most of these people are just misanthropes passing themselves off as “introverts”.

That’s right.

Being an introvert and being shy often go together (because there’s less motivation to work on social skills and no automatic default to chatting to people) but it’s possible to be a confident introvert or a shy extrovert as well. (Shy extrovert is possibly the most distressing one to be! But probably doesn’t last as long.)

As I said a minute ago, I think this misanthropy is a defence mechanism. A kind of “you don’t want to know me? Well, I don’t want to know you either. So ner.”

It’s not a very clever approach and it’s the first thing to let go of if the school gate situation is bothering you.