Not to make an effort with the mums at children's school?

[Awkwardmum6]

DD started reception a few weeks later than everybody else and then it was DH doing most of the school runs. I've taken over now and I'm a less familiar face and nobody seems to want to chat to me.

I find it almost painful to stand around near the other parents at pick up. I've always felt shy meeting new people, unless it's 1-1, so being lumped in with 20+ unfamiliar people all stood in one place chatting.. makes me feel so anxious and, although ridiculous, a bit upset.

I smiled at one mum today as she had glanced over at me a few times, she just looked through me, so that was nice.

I'm not looking for friends so that doesn't bother me, I just cannot seem to get past how uncomfortable I feel at school. So much so I'm thinking of waiting around the corner until the last minute and avoiding everybody completely 😂

Does anybody else feel like this?

So, you don't want to chat, and they're not chatting to you -- so why do you feel so 'awkward'? You say you don't want friends, and no one is trying to pressure you into engaging, yet standing near people at pick-up makes you 'upset'...?

I mean, yes? Most people at the school gates are going to talk about things you have in common (kids), or small talk. Were you expecting them to ask for your thoughts on the war in the Middle East or the Turner Prize announcement?

Sometimes I chatted to other mums waiting in playground but most often I would just stand on my own and it didn't bother me. Lots of parents were doing the same. Usually I was waiting to scoop up and go quickly as often we had somewhere to be after school. To be blunt no-one will be interested in what you are up to (or me or anyone).

I’d want to make an effort for my child. I wouldn’t want my child not invited to things etc. because no one knows who their parents are etc. id try to make an effort for your child’s sake.

These posts are so puzzling. These people are just like you. No common features except having children at the same school.

What kind of inflated sense of your own difference would someone need to think that only all the other parents at the school gate were dull and trivia-obsessed, unlike you, who alone is a brilliantly unique individual bursting with witty and original conversation?

I don't know why, I just do. It's a situation I'm in 5 days a week which makes me feel anxious 🤷🏼‍♀️

What makes you uncomfortable? How would you feel if you had to do it twice per day 5 days a week?

I really don't get why people get their knickers in such a twist about dropping off and picking their kids up

I think anyone who doesn't make the effort is very foolish to be honest. Its in your childs interests and also your own. When your child asks their friend to sleep over they are much more likely to get a no if Mum is unfriendly. The day will come when you can't bring a child to a party and you'll have to keep her at home because you have no one to share lifts with.

I get that people are shy but that is why most schools have coffee mornings or Christmas drinks, to allow people to meet each other. Everyone starts out not knowing people, the ones seen chatting, the 'cliques' are the ones who put themselves out there, dont think they never felt shy at one point.

The thing these people have in common with you is the most important thing in their lives, ie their children so I can't fathom why some people on MN always say they have nothing in common.

You need to tackle your social anxiety.

When my daughter started school I was quite anxious and shy - but I made a point of being polite and making small talk.
Why? Because otherwise society is going to become a very self-centred place where everyone ignores each other and is strangely paranoid about what every one else is doing.
I don't want to live in a society like that.
@Awkwardmum6 just say a polite "Good Morning/Afternoon". It's just nice manners.

That’d be preferable

You really can't imagine why somebody with social anxiety or MH problems might find it difficult? Well lucky you.

Some people, for one reason or another, have problems with anxiety, confidence or lack of.

I’ve spoken to quite a few of my friends about this & we pretty much all feel the same way. I do think though that you can build these things up in your head. I used to sometimes hold off & try to arrive at the last minute then realised that was silly. I just try & smile & be breezy but I am also open to chatting.

@Awkwardmum6 as I said I suffered from anxiety. What is it that you are so anxious about? (Genuine question)
These are just people. Just say hello. Do you get anxious about having to talk to shop assistants etc?

Just fiddle with your phone and avoid eye contact.

There are some people I know a little bit (mostly through my Mum as she does moist pickups and is more sociable than me) but I usually try to avoid eye contact and get in and out as quickly as possible. I just can't be bothered with small talk.

People who think they are too good, too clever, complex and interesting to tolerate small talk are usually the most boring, self absorbed folks.
Most people do have opinions and interests, it's just inappropriate to discuss politics and religion at drop offs because it makes others uncomfortable. After many small talks people invite you in more and you make or reject deeper friendships. If someone was full on with heavy topics most people will look at you like you have 2 heads and avoid you. Timing and audience are huge factors and a very important skill which you hone by guess what? Practising talking to people.

we know we're all there to drop off and pick up, when you make effort it helps your child fit in. It sounds like school has a lot to teach some parents, too.
The parents who blank everyone end up affecting their child's social life because the time will come when your kid gets left out of things because everyone else has been strengthening friendships via playdates and out of school activities that mums who get along organise and are happy for their child to attend. In reception ehich started a couple of months ago its fine everyone got invited but soon enough the parties will be more selective and she would get invited more if you get along with and acknowledge other parents. Yoi got half terms and summer holidays can be awfully lonely if a child doesnt see their friends.

Nope, not at all.

I'm absolutely fine with things like that. I can't pinpoint what it is about school.

Me either.

@Awkwardmum6 well this is a good time of year for making small talk -
"Brrr cold today isn't it?"
"Are you ready for Christmas?"
Etc
Just take a deep breath and do it.
You don't have to become friends, you don't have to have similar interests but you are linked by your children and the school and it's incredibly important to have links within your community.
COVID taught us that.
Go for it 🙂

I would advise trying to get to know some parents, even just to say hi and chit-chat to. Their children are going to be friends with your DD for years to come, you’ll be seeing them at school events, parties, etc. No doubt your DD will want to invite friends home and she may be invited on play dates.

Obviously you don’t need to become friends with any of them but a friendly acquaintance with some is sort of necessary. Say hi to some, chit chat about the weather/something that is happening in class/whatever.

For your DD’s sake if not your own.

I actively avoid the other parents in all my dc classes. I even refused to be part of whats app as i cba.

This is a still a little bit confusing OP - you don't want the other mums to talk to you, and they aren't. And that makes you feel awkward.

You can't begrudge them talking to each each other though.

I can't stand any form of group chats with anyone...they're awful.

So true.

I think it’s a defence mechanism. People are scared of rejection so they pretend the other parents are all part of a clique, boring, stuck-up etc.

Anyway there is no rule you have to make friends at the school gates. But kids are at school a long time and so it is worth getting on with parents enough to share lifts etc. You never know when you might need each other.

I worked full time so made a huge effort when I could. It paid off. And we made friends for life too.