Page 10 | Not to make an effort with the mums at children's school?

Awkwardmum6 · 2023-12-06T14:58:12+00:00

DD started reception a few weeks later than everybody else and then it was DH doing most of the school runs. I've taken over now and I'm a less familiar face and nobody seems to want to chat to me. I find it almost painful to stand around near the other parents at pick up. I've always felt shy meeting new people, unless it's 1-1, so being lumped in with 20+ unfamiliar people all stood in one place chatting.. makes me feel so anxious and, although ridiculous, a bit upset. I smiled at one mum today as she had glanced over at me a few times, she just looked through me, so that was nice. I'm not looking for friends so that doesn't bother me, I just cannot seem to get past how uncomfortable I feel at school. So much so I'm thinking of waiting around the corner until the last minute and avoiding everybody completely 😂 Does anybody else feel like this?

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/12/2023 18:12

@Minglingpringle

As I said a minute ago, I think this misanthropy is a defence mechanism. A kind of “you don’t want to know me? Well, I don’t want to know you either. So ner.”

It’s not a very clever approach and it’s the first thing to let go of if the school gate situation is bothering you.

I totally agree. And the thing is while in principle I have sympathy, what I find so frustrating is the sort of self-sabotaging childishness and the total inability or unwillingness to help yourself which creeps into this mindset.

Instead of going "I've got a problem, I'm struggling, I'm going to work on it and try to move past it" the attitude seems to be: "I haven't got a problem, I like being an antisocial bastard and everyone can fuck off... oh wait, but she looked at me funny. What's her problem?"

Its completely without any intellectual honesty or consistency: pretending to be incredibly independent and rebellious but underneath the petulance being incredibly needy. And also utterly performative. "Look at me, I hate people!"

If you really don't need people don't have them in your life but don't seek approval for your petulance or validation from other people who are able to function in society.

Minglingpringle · 11/12/2023 18:25

Leah5678 · 10/12/2023 23:06

Is it necessary to be so harsh though? Most introverts are quiet/shy because they don't like themselves and are scared people will hate them. I know because I was extremely shy as a kid. Saying they just need to get over themselves is easier said then done.

I get that mumsnetters are sick of these types of threads but I doubt op knew there were already a million similar threads when she posted this. Her post doesn't come across as shitty like those other threads either

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Hating yourself is not really part of being an introvert.

Shyness does stem from fear of rejection. Being an introvert can give you more of a tendency towards being shy, because you don’t have the same need for frequent interaction that an extrovert has so you have less experience of getting over that hump of approaching people.

The way to get over fear of rejection is to approach people a lot more - so frequently that you realise that the odd rejection (pretty rare and not to be confused with perceived rejection, which is a trick the scared mind plays on you) is just a tiny percentage of an otherwise positive experience.

People who are shy and don’t want to be may hate themselves as a result, but it’s not an inextricable part of being an introvert at all.

If you’re shy and don’t want to be, you know what do!

(Put yourself out there and risk that rejection is the answer, in case not clear.)

Allfur · 11/12/2023 18:28

Agree, it's the 'everyone else but me is a dick' vibe I find so disingenuous

Leah5678 · 12/12/2023 17:35

Minglingpringle · 11/12/2023 18:25

Hating yourself is not really part of being an introvert.

Shyness does stem from fear of rejection. Being an introvert can give you more of a tendency towards being shy, because you don’t have the same need for frequent interaction that an extrovert has so you have less experience of getting over that hump of approaching people.

The way to get over fear of rejection is to approach people a lot more - so frequently that you realise that the odd rejection (pretty rare and not to be confused with perceived rejection, which is a trick the scared mind plays on you) is just a tiny percentage of an otherwise positive experience.

People who are shy and don’t want to be may hate themselves as a result, but it’s not an inextricable part of being an introvert at all.

If you’re shy and don’t want to be, you know what do!

(Put yourself out there and risk that rejection is the answer, in case not clear.)

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Maybe I shouldn't of used the word "introvert" I'm sure there's some people out there happy to just be quiet but I don't think that includes op or she wouldn't be making this post. When I was a kid I was extremely shy barely spoke to anyone because I hated myself so kinda have first hand experience

Historybooks · 12/12/2023 20:27

NerrSnerr · 11/12/2023 16:33

Both my husband and I are working parents and we still do the school runs due to our working pattern. Most of the parents I speak to also have jobs. That's a massive assumption that those who are on the school gates don't have a job (and I wonder if you're implying are below you in some way?)

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Definitely. About 80 percent of the parents I meet at the school gates have jobs ranging from nurse, engineer, to private tutor. They don't use afterschool and breakfast club every day so you see them at times.

Historybooks · 12/12/2023 20:31

Leah5678 · 10/12/2023 23:06

Is it necessary to be so harsh though? Most introverts are quiet/shy because they don't like themselves and are scared people will hate them. I know because I was extremely shy as a kid. Saying they just need to get over themselves is easier said then done.

I get that mumsnetters are sick of these types of threads but I doubt op knew there were already a million similar threads when she posted this. Her post doesn't come across as shitty like those other threads either

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I don't think introverts are mostly scared people won't like them. I know a number of introverts who would say they're just happy with their own company. In fact the introverts I know worry little about if people like them in general- unless say they are going on a date.

Historybooks · 12/12/2023 20:40

Montelukast · 10/12/2023 10:04

Another introvert here!
It’s not an introvert friendly world I’m afraid. Extroverts don’t understand and just think we need to try harder.
OP if you work all week I bet that tired you out for social interaction and don’t want to make small talk. I also find that painful (unless I’m at work and being paid!)

You don’t actually have to be friends with your kids friends parents. What do you have in common ? You had a kid at the same time ?
You don’t need it and don’t want it and just imagine you are waiting for a bus. ⭐️⭐️ your kids will be fine socially making their own friends you don’t need to create their friendships for them.

Fair enough if you're an introvert and you know you don't want to socialise. Or if you just want to have one or two friends. I'm an extrovert but I don't think everyone has to be like me.

But OP isn't saying I'm an introvert will it be OK if I don't socialise? Instead it's like I want people to be my friend but I don't want to be theirs I find odd.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 12/12/2023 20:52

Allfur · 11/12/2023 18:28

Agree, it's the 'everyone else but me is a dick' vibe I find so disingenuous

Bizarre comment. It’s a clear and a very
honest position. If you don’t want to engage with other people for all manner of reasons and you are clear about that fact, then it’s the exact opposite of disingenuous.

ShazzyG71 · 12/12/2023 21:02

Mine are both past school age now but it was exactly the same for me. I work full time and only did pick up on a Friday because I finish earlier. Nobody bothered to talk to me but to be honest I work in a public facing role and enjoyed the peace! 😂

Minglingpringle · 12/12/2023 21:21

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 12/12/2023 20:52

Bizarre comment. It’s a clear and a very
honest position. If you don’t want to engage with other people for all manner of reasons and you are clear about that fact, then it’s the exact opposite of disingenuous.

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It’s a very arrogant and unpleasant thing to say and if someone genuinely believes it, it’s no surprise they haven’t got anyone to talk to.

However, a lot of people who say it are being disingenuous because while they claim they don’t want anyone’s company, they also say they feel excluded and uncomfortable at the school gate. If they genuinely didn’t care about connecting with people, they wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.

They are lying to themselves because they prefer to think they have chosen to be alone rather than admitting they would like to talk to people but are failing.

jaffacakes882 · 06/01/2024 16:44

I let my son take the lead. He's in reception, so I ask him who is friends are and to point them out, I've introduced myself that way to a few parents, but really it's about him and his relationships. Not about me and how others perceive me or my confort/ease. Same thing with birthday parties, it's a good chance to slowly get to know other parents.

I really don't think about it much more than that. As someone else said, it's a bunch of random people thrown together. I enjoy meeting new people and chatting, so whatever happens, happens. I much prefer meeting people where kids aren't the focus, you don't really get to know the person behind the parent at the school gates or kids parties. It's all superficial unless you discover something more in common beyond having at kids at the same time.

Samlewis96 · 11/01/2024 23:01

PaperDoIIs · 09/12/2023 16:48

@Samlewis96 that tends to change as they age. Up to y3(sometimes earlier) ,whole class parties are still quite common but they do start to become smaller after a while. When the number is under 5/10 , normally it's the kid whose parents make no effort to at least vaguely say hello , have a playdate or two etc that get left out, no matter how good the friendship is.

Well seeing as half the class are transported in minus parents that's a lot of kids that won't be invited to places in that case

PaperDoIIs · 12/01/2024 07:01

Samlewis96 · 11/01/2024 23:01

Well seeing as half the class are transported in minus parents that's a lot of kids that won't be invited to places in that case

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I said normally, that means there will be situations/circumstances where this doesn’t apply. I also specifically said small numbers so more than half the class would not be invited anyway.

StickyStickyStickSticks · 12/01/2024 07:10

I felt like this but did know one mum from nursery previously. We saw on the WhatsApp group that there was a mums “get together” at the pub and all were welcome and decided to go together… neither of us would have gone alone.

fast forward we have a really
nice group of mum friends, some of whom my first impression was they were stuck up but actually it’s not the case.

the way I see it, if we stay in the same area, some of these kids will know each other for the next 12 years so it’s worth making an effort with other parents.