Not to make an effort with the mums at children's school?

[Awkwardmum6]

DD started reception a few weeks later than everybody else and then it was DH doing most of the school runs. I've taken over now and I'm a less familiar face and nobody seems to want to chat to me.

I find it almost painful to stand around near the other parents at pick up. I've always felt shy meeting new people, unless it's 1-1, so being lumped in with 20+ unfamiliar people all stood in one place chatting.. makes me feel so anxious and, although ridiculous, a bit upset.

I smiled at one mum today as she had glanced over at me a few times, she just looked through me, so that was nice.

I'm not looking for friends so that doesn't bother me, I just cannot seem to get past how uncomfortable I feel at school. So much so I'm thinking of waiting around the corner until the last minute and avoiding everybody completely 😂

Does anybody else feel like this?

I totally get you. I'd be standing in the line waiting and the mums would be talking over me while i'm just there in the middle feeling awkward. I put it down to my own shyness though and it shows - others may think i'm rude but really it's just me being shy. I have accepted it now though and I don't really care. I just go there, pick up my kids and come back

Thanks for all of your perspectives it's really helped me unpack my feelings about it all.

If you'd have asked me yesterday why I felt so uncomfortable and self conscious I'd have said I didn't know, but now I do.

It's a mixture of being introverted in general but also feeling that I probably do have a responsibility to make an effort, so I feel there's some pressure there, but then add to that I'm also scared of rejection and awkward exchanges due to my ADHD/RSD.

I have on several occasions said the wrong thing or made a twat of myself when I've really pushed myself to speak to people, because it doesn't come naturally to me in this kind of environment.

We’re in the last year of primary now and I haven’t really ever spoken to any of the other parents. In fact I go out of my way to avoid doing so and always have.

Lots of suggestions in this thread about starting inane conversations like “are you ready for christmas ?”, but I wouldn’t do that because I genuinely am absolutely not interested in whether they’re “ready” for an event or not. What do I even do with that information once I have it ?

Roll on July and it’s all over 🤞🏼

Absolutely this, it never ceases to amaze me how people overthink the most mundane interactions where no harm is meant. I saw this first hand with a few women I met through a playgroup when our kids were little, with one Mum deciding the others didn't like her on the strength of this interaction:

Group of a few Mums sitting together whilst kids play:
Mum 1: shall we go for a coffee after?
Mum 2: lovely, great idea
Mum 3 comes back to where group is sitting having been helping her child.
Mum 1 & 2: we were thinking about going for a coffee afterwards Mum 3. Do you fancy it?
Mum 3: Great!
Mum 4 returns from taking her kid to the loo.
Mum 1 goes to play with her child. Mum 2 is on her phone.
Mum 3: hey Mum 4 - Mums 1 and 2 were suggesting coffee after class, are you free?
Mum 4: Well they didn’t ask me!

That's why for the foreseeable hubby does the school run - I can't think of anything worse and he says that nobody at my daughter's school really talk to one another. The parents are rude asf whenever I've picked up my daughter 👧 I also avoid the school WhatsApp groups.

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr "are you ready for Christmas?" is just small talk to fill the minutes. No one actually really cares - it's just being polite.
Yes you could all stand there in silence but is that how you really want life to be? Whole communities ignoring each other? Bit depressing really.

I find it so frustrating when I read posts from mums saying their shy and then criticising other mums for 'looking past them' or not talking to them.
Don't blame other people for your shyness. Making friends takes effort.

Ive been doing the school run for 19 years (got a few more years of it too) im in and out like a fly. Know a few people from outside the school and if I see them I have a chat but I couldn't care less about talking to anyone there. I'm there to drop/pick my kids up and that's it. I don't get these threads what's wrong with just doing that, in out job done. What's this obsession with the playground and these kind of threads.

It feels intrusive to me. Like “I am going to disturb you now and ask a pointless question we both know is pointless. I trust this pointless interaction I am instigating will somehow please you.”

If someone asked me something pointless it wouldn’t matter if I answered truthfully or not, which just seems dishonest to me.

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sorry but that sounds incredibly rude.
Do you never speak to anyone? No shop assistants? Colleagues at work? Are you in a relationship? Do you have friends? You must have had to make polite small talk in the beginning of any relationships/friendships.

‘I haven’t really ever spoken to any of the other parents. In fact I go out of my way to avoid doing so and always have.’

This is really strange behaviour to me. But it guess it has worked for you! Are your kids like you?

You barely need to speak with shop assistants, and checkout is mainly machines now. If I speak to a shop assistant it’s most likely to ask a question about whether something is in stock or not. And at work it’s about work, how does this feature need to work, how will we integrate this or that. I’m married, no friends.

They’re both very different, outgoing & very sociable son, shy but very sociable daughter - luckily my misanthropy hasn’t rubbed off on them !

There is nothing wrong with dropping and leaving.

It’s the false bravado and hostility expressed by some. ‘Everyone is sooo rude to me and stuck-up. But I couldn’t care less. I don’t actually want to speak to them. And they are all boring anyway’. It’s just odd.

Life generally involves some civility. I don’t want to be best friends with the dry-cleaner. But I still smile and make some brief small-talk as needed when I pick up my trousers.

I must be honest. I couldn’t give two shits as to whether anyone spoke to me

yry and work out exactly what it is that upsets you? Why does it make you feel uncomfortable

id just get ahead and go for it or don’t care. Either wouldn’t bother me to be fair

I bet you haven't made a twat of yourself at all, OP, that's probably in your head. I am just like you and I LOVE meeting other awkward introvert mums! You've formulated the issue very well. It's painful to be on the outside of things - so think of it as just making the effort to form friendly acquaintances (as, like you, i find it an effort just to keep up with my oldest bestest friends so of course you dont want the pressure of making a load of new bffs)

I can’t understand all this ‘school mum’ friends thing.
I drop my kid off, I get to school on time and pick him up and leave. I don’t feel the need to talk to anybody else. Sometimes make small talk with other parents if they’re late out or the weathers bad or whatever but that’s about it.

Ha that’s good. Life is a bit easier when you get on with people!

I hated all the chat and gossip outside the school at pick up time so, when I did it, I got there at the last minute and didn't linger. I had enough social intercourse at work and with friends. I was not unfriendly, just not available.

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr so when you go into work you literally only speak about work related issues?
No "Did you have a nice weekend?" "Is it still raining?" "Is there coffee in the staffroom?" or 101 small talk things that really aren't important but make life a little less robotic and dull.

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

It feels intrusive to me. Like “I am going to disturb you now and ask a pointless question we both know is pointless. I trust this pointless interaction I am instigating will somehow please you.”

If someone asked me something pointless it wouldn’t matter if I answered truthfully or not, which just seems dishonest to me.

Seriously?

Genuine question: if you want to get to a point where you ever want to talk to people about a subject with any "depth" to it, how do you ever expect to get there?

Do you wander up to people cold and say: "I'd like to talk to you about Wittgenstein's perspective on logic? or "What is your view of the Israel/Palestine situation?" If you do, you will lose people. That's not because people don't have opinions on these things or other things of great social and political import, its because they are savvy and self-aware enough to know you have to acquire a degree of intimacy with people to trust yourself to talk about them. You have to oil the wheels a bit to get there, just as a matter of basic courtesy.

And by the way there are people who don't ever want to talk about anything that deep and that's fine too. Life isn't just about having incredibly meaningful discussions. 90% of it is just rubbing along with people. And learning to find joy in those small "pointless" interactions is a big part of enjoying being alive.

If you only condescend to talk to people who you think can say something with a "point" you are missing out on so much pleasure in life. Honestly it sounds as if you go out of your way to make life harder for yourself than it needs to be.

I think anyone who doesn't make the effort is very foolish to be honest. Its in your childs interests and also your own. When your child asks their friend to sleep over they are much more likely to get a no if Mum is unfriendly. The day will come when you can't bring a child to a party and you'll have to keep her at home because you have no one to share lifts with.

Well, there you have it. Not chatting to the other parents at the school gates will sound the death knell for your child's social life. You heard it here first.

What a load of old bollocks.

@Tisfortired exactly that's it - you don't have to be friends but for those few minutes of the day you happen to be in a shared space and experience with other people so a bit of small talk is all it needs to just be nice to one another.

I don't think people are saying these posters think they are superior. I think some of us find it utterly baffling that the most innocuous interactions get overlaid with such huge over-importance. And that so many people seem to turn anxiety and misanthropy into an artform.

Either stand looking at your phone so you look busy, or ask a nearby mum how their kid is finding school/if their kid is looking forward to the nativity etc.
You don't have to make friends, but if you're feeling awkward not talking then making small talk seems the logical solution.