Not to make an effort with the mums at children's school?

[Awkwardmum6]

DD started reception a few weeks later than everybody else and then it was DH doing most of the school runs. I've taken over now and I'm a less familiar face and nobody seems to want to chat to me.

I find it almost painful to stand around near the other parents at pick up. I've always felt shy meeting new people, unless it's 1-1, so being lumped in with 20+ unfamiliar people all stood in one place chatting.. makes me feel so anxious and, although ridiculous, a bit upset.

I smiled at one mum today as she had glanced over at me a few times, she just looked through me, so that was nice.

I'm not looking for friends so that doesn't bother me, I just cannot seem to get past how uncomfortable I feel at school. So much so I'm thinking of waiting around the corner until the last minute and avoiding everybody completely 😂

Does anybody else feel like this?

I used to feel so anxious on the school run just like you and felt like I didn't fit in. I'm now doing it all again with my 3rd child and can honestly say I don't care now. I'm friendly and polite to people but I'm no longer looking for friends or w group of people to connect with. If it happens great but I'm too tired to force anything these days.

You could stop trying to live up to the expectation that you should talk to people at the school gates, and learn how to be comfortable not doing that

Well I don't fit into that category. I don't think I'm better nor more interesting than anybody else. I'm not coming from a position of feeling superior, not in the slightest.

I don't begrudge them talking to one another, of course not, I just feel awkward and uncomfortable being in that situation full stop.

I'm not articulating myself very well here am I?

I think/hope that some will understand where I'm coming from.

But it doesn't sound as if anyone is expecting the OP to talk to them. She says in her OP 'no one seems to want to chat to me', and notes that from her own POV, she's not looking for new friends.

So there's no expectation or pressure. She's not interested in talking to them, they're apparently not interested in talking to her. Everyone's got what they want.

Still the OP is 'upset'. But can't seem to say why.

I think the OP feels some social norm is expected nonetheless

You can be friendly without being friends.
I find it amusing how desperate some people are to feel superior to other mums they don’t know (not OP, but other posters on this thread.) I may make small talk or make some friendly comment about the weather or being knackered or “can’t believe it’s December already!” in recognition of the fact that these other human beings who have children at the same school are entitled to some decency and respect in the form of a little friendliness. I don’t know if they are interesting or boring or clever or dull, I do t need to. They don’t know if I am It doesn’t do me any harm to be nice to them, and them nice to me in return. I certainly don’t need to elevate myself up by thinking they are all boring and beneath me. I wouldn’t have a clue if they are or not.

there’s other parents who I know better (maybe cos our DC are good friends or maybe we clicked at soft play once) and I may have deeper chats with them, or have more shared references.

I find all the school gate angst and rudeness so self-absorbed. Imagine having the same attitude to other people who are in a supermarket with you, or who live on your street.

I'm an older mother and also experienced this at the school gate. In Year 1 I did make a new friend of someone who had just moved to the village. A few months into the friendship she invited me to go to a quiz in the next village. Throughout the night her phone kept pinging - turns out she'd left her 11 year old daughter in charge of her much younger children. I told her I disagreed with her doing this and couldn't go out with her again unless she got a babysitter. She was a bitch to me and my kids until she left the area. I wish I'd stayed on my own :)

I think you might be on to something there about being scared of rejection.

I have ADHD (inattentive type) and have always dealt with alot of RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) throughout my life. It's part of my neurological disorder so isn't something I can just fix.

That being said, I'm also an introvert and know for sure that I don't want to make a load of friends. I sometimes feel overwhelmed keeping up with the ones I already have.

So in summary, I'm not looking for friends but also hate the idea of putting myself out there socially and being snubbed or not well received.

So today for example when I smiled at that mum; I thought I should probably make a bit more effort to look friendly than continue my usual head down in phone stance. When it wasn't reciprocated my RSD kicked in and I felt stupid, rejected and that I must have looked like a weirdo or whatever else.

Does that make sense?

Is there anyone with ADHD / ASD and rejection sensitive dysphoria who can back me up as I feel like I'm waffling a load of bollocks now 😂

I think the school gate brings back trauma from actual school and sometimes people project like mad on people who are just waiting for their kids.

If you want your child to be invited to things the best way is to be known at school ask him who his friends are get him to point them out and next time stand near them so kids come out and talk to each other and you can say oh are you Timmy's mum I'm Grace Johnny's mum.

So the situation is…you aren’t bothered about talking to others and others don’t talk to you but the situation feels awkward.

Would listening to something on head phones help. Sometimes when I’m really socially worn out I wear head phones shopping or in other similar places. Helps me to have something to focus on and I can be in my own world a bit

The kids can be friends without you being friends with the parent. It helps but not necessary.

@Awkwardmum6

You really can't imagine why somebody with social anxiety or MH problems might find it difficult? Well lucky you.

Some people, for one reason or another, have problems with anxiety, confidence or lack of.

Indeed they do. And something about school seems to really bring it out in spades. I find it quite depressing. There's dozens of threads a week on here from people who have convinced themselves the "school mafia" is out to get them and COVID, with its emphasis on what a great thing it was not to see people, made this a million times worse. I worry a lot about this tendency we see on here all the time to celebrate antisocial behaviour and inwardness: the whole celebration of what's wrongly called "introversion" (but actually isn't introversion at all it's just misanthropy).

It really needs tackling, tbh. Both at an individual and a social level. No one is forcing you to chat to people if you don't want to. Social anxiety is difficult. I used to be cripplingly socially anxious and I basically trained myself out of it because I knew it was no way to live.

It's fine to be shy and not to want to be the life and soul of the party, but there comes a point where you have to grip it: you owe it to your children not to project this anxiety and suspicion onto other people all the time for no reason. If you frame your world from this perspective of "I want to avoid all social contact all the time", it sends a really damaging signal. If it's hurting you that much, seek help for it: get counselling and try to reframe it. Otherwise you need to try to understand that you're not that different and everyone has a degree of this.

I have ADHD. And very sensitive to rejection. But knowing that about myself actually helped a lot to overcome it. You just have to keep telling yourself that people are not thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are.

Maybe the woman who 'looked right through you' didn't really know if you were smiling at her or someone else? Maybe she's nervous too? A passing smile isn't really an 'approach' so she didn't actually reject you as such...

You don't have to be friends with school mums. Most people I know are too busy to hang about so if they do chat it'll be to people they already know because it's a very limited time to be starting convos and friendships with others.

Why are there always posters on these threads who claim that people who don't want to make friends at the school yard think they're superior. I just don't want to talk, that's all. I spend all week talking to customers at work and I just do not want to chat in the school yard. And if that makes me boring and self absorbed as a PP said then I'm doing them a favour eh.

Exactly that yes. Thank you! Sorry, we got there in the end 😂

I could wear head phones and listen to a podcast or something sure.

There’s times I’m in another world figuring something out, or looking for one of my children or another parent for something school related- please don’t assume that mum was ignoring you!!! And I don’t think anyone is anyway themselves on the school run, you literally have a limited time to talk and look for your child while a teacher may be looking for you or you might have to run somewhere afterwards, work, an appointment, a kids’ class or to collect the rest of your kids

I'm an introvert and generally like doing my own thing. But I make an effort to find out who are the parents/nannies of my children's close friends and smile at them during school pick up. It's easier to do that at the beginning as most people don't know each other yet and they'll be pretty open to meeting you too. You'll be seeing these people for years! Isn't it abit awkward to avoid eye contact with them all the time?

Now we just smile and nod at each other then look at our phones.

No one has suggested you're 'superior' because you don't want to talk.

Those remarks are in response to the posters who are themselves parents at the school gate who claim that all the other parents at the school gate are dull sheeple who talk of nothing but 'kids and trivia'.

It sticks no one's trying. We have a lot of new kids join it seems, always try and say hello in the first few weeks to assess their friendliness and be welcoming.

Def recommend headphones, even if they're not playing music 😂

I'm not misanthropic. I have a DH and friends. I'm fairly sure that my friends would tell you I'm a nice person. I'm not antisocial, I just prefer my own company sometimes and don't think there's anything particularly wrong with that.

I have some massively extroverted relatives and find being around them for long periods of time completely draining. They probably think I'm a massive bore. Everybody is different.

Absolutely this.

I probably do 3-4 school runs out of 10 a week. Honestly until my child was halfway through year 1 I barely had any school mum friends or acquaintances. I was usually stood on my own while the majority of mums were in little groups. No "bad vibes", just didn't know anyone. I didn't mind enough to put myself out there in terms of approaching people but I did feel a little self conscious.

Once (child) friendships were more established and the class parties started turning into a handful of friends doing something to celebrate a birthday I've now got a good 8 or so mums I can have a chat and a laugh with. A few more to exchange greetings and smiles with. A couple of them I now socialise with as we've really clicked and this year have had bbqs and days out. You may be a late school mum bloomer like me!

Agree with all of this except the join the PTA bit. Unless you want to be roped into help organise all the school events such as the summer fair etc give this a wide birth. It can be a lot of work and once in it is hard to get out. (I speak from experience).

I would suggest volunteering at events though as that is a good way to meet other parents without the huge time commitment of the PTA.