Not to make an effort with the mums at children's school?

[Awkwardmum6]

DD started reception a few weeks later than everybody else and then it was DH doing most of the school runs. I've taken over now and I'm a less familiar face and nobody seems to want to chat to me.

I find it almost painful to stand around near the other parents at pick up. I've always felt shy meeting new people, unless it's 1-1, so being lumped in with 20+ unfamiliar people all stood in one place chatting.. makes me feel so anxious and, although ridiculous, a bit upset.

I smiled at one mum today as she had glanced over at me a few times, she just looked through me, so that was nice.

I'm not looking for friends so that doesn't bother me, I just cannot seem to get past how uncomfortable I feel at school. So much so I'm thinking of waiting around the corner until the last minute and avoiding everybody completely 😂

Does anybody else feel like this?

I've tried timing my arrival so that I get there at just the last minute and that works OK for the morning but not the afternoon.

If i don't get on one particular bus (that gets me there 20 minutes early) I wouldn't get there in time and would have to collect her from the office which would be even more awkward 😁

I take a slow walk round the block or whatever else but still have a good 10 minutes of awkwardly standing there until the kids come out.

If I had a car it would be so much simpler but I can't drive due to epilepsy 😔

I love this. Thank you 😊

I sympathise but I think you'd need to take yourself out of your comfort zone, especially for your kids. You don't need to be uber sociable but it will help your child if you are prepared to know who their friends parents are and are prepared to host a couple of playdates. At reception parties parents will normally go.

I felt uncomfortable and had some awkward early conversations but I have made a couple of genuine friends who aren't pick up fans either! My kids are older now but knowing who everyone is has made life easier. My children get included in car shares to after school clubs etc, I can text other parents and keep tabs on what they're doing now their independent in their free time. I hate to think that all community minded ways of living are being lost.

you don’t want to talk to anyone and no-one talks to you. So it’s fine surely?

I found that by staying on the edge of the circle I avoided most of the dramas which inevitably happen when kids start falling out with each other. Made friends with a couple of mums and went for drinks etc but we drifted after the kids started going to different schools.

@Gringlebat

It’s the false bravado and hostility expressed by some. ‘Everyone is sooo rude to me and stuck-up. But I couldn’t care less. I don’t actually want to speak to them. And they are all boring anyway’. It’s just odd.

Life generally involves some civility. I don’t want to be best friends with the dry-cleaner. But I still smile and make some brief small-talk as needed when I pick up my trousers.

I agree. Plus the inevitable invocation of "But I'm an introvert, see" on all of these threads. It's so utterly predictable and tiresome. Within a couple of pages it invariably reverts to "the dreaded extroverts are out to get us".

You're not an introvert, you just need to grow up and accept that dealing with other human beings from time to time is part of life.

Ironically the whole point of school is largely supposed to be to train kids out of this sort of solipsism but so many adults seem to revert back to this when faced with taking their own kids to school and apparently can't see the parallels.

I feel for you. But it's worth trying and making a bit of effort. Unless you leave the school you'll be seeing these people every day for years and years.

Pretty much yes, I only go in once a week and see one other person there, and we just use that time to align what we worked on in the previous week and what we’re aiming to do in the next week. And that’s fine, it’s work.

Everyone is in the same boat. I don't think any life long cliques will have been forged yet as the weather hasn't been too great for after school park play dates and unless the kids have got siblings in older years, most of the mums won't have established much contact either.

If you feel out of the loop, introduce yourself to someone standing in their own and say you missed out in the first few weeks if pick ups and that you hope you haven't missed anything important. Ask if there is a class WhatsApp group and if it is if you can be added (sometimes there are a lot of useful reminders about pe kits and nonuniform days, invitations to birthdays parties, impromptu park meet ups and of course lots of lost cardigans).

It is useful to make friends with the other mums. Like you say, you will see them 5 times a week for the next 7 years. It is handy to be in good terms with people in case you ever need someone else to collect your kid if you're running late or ill or whatever

Well that's very rude isn't it? I think you might need to go back to school and work on your own social skills 😵‍💫

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr well if you are happy with your life then fine - but you sound quite isolated to me.
But it's your life. Not mine.

I'm an introvert, I hate small talk and don't particularly like people either. At that age however, I did make an effort to at least say hello and be friendly for my daughter's sake. I also organised as many playdates as I could ,went to every party etc. Was it awful? Yes . Did I make loads of friends? No. I also was able to drop it once the kids were old enough to be dropped off and left for playdates so it didn't last long. Just kept it to hi ,bye ,smile . Working and rushing around helped.But it did benefit DD extremely to have a wide ,active social circle . I can admit it also benefited me if I was ever stuck , or needed anything or forgot about school stuff. Hell, there's still a mum who offered DD a lift when her bus broke down and the girls are at secondary now and not even in the same form.

All in all, it was worth it. I do have one friend that makes no effort, now the mums and girls are bitches who are excluding her DD. Except she never does playdates, doesn't talk to any of the parents, rarely accept invitations to parties, moans when her DD is not invited ,then when she is she refuses because it's too little too late. Her DD IS missing out no matter how much people insist it's bullshit.

@Awkwardmum6

Well that's very rude isn't it? I think you might need to go back to school and work on your own social skills

LOL. It’s a fair cop! I deserved that.

Some people really do prefer it that way.

This was years ago but l only picked up once a week. My ex was the SAHP. I never made friends with the other parents. By year 6 when they were older l chatted to a few..That was it. I do get that's it awkward standing there while they all chatting. Look on the bright side l never got dragged into any drama or asked to help at all the school fates. My kids are now nearly 30 and my life is no less worse for not making school mum friends.

@Awkwardmum6 I know some people do prefer it that way, but after a few years of suffering from anxiety, depression and feeling isolated I realised I needed to be part of a community even if it's only small.
It was very important to my mental health that I changed.
Of course you are you, not me so you might feel different.

@Awkwardmum6

Some people really do prefer it that way.

But if people genuinely don’t like or need other people, why get anxious and offended about these miniature perceived slights? That what I don’t get. Why come on a talk board and start a thread about some incredibly meaningless interactions.

If you really cba with people don’t bother but don’t start threads accusing others of “looking right through you.” It feels almost like a determination to find fault.

I’ll put my hand up and say I am one of those cheery people who you probably loathe who is ok at small talk and making friends. And I think it’s quite rude that someone might get the hump at me because I have looked at them the wrong way at school pickup or because I dare to talk to someone about the weather. I think it’s petty and childish.

If you don’t want to engage with people don’t. But don’t bitch about people who enjoy social interaction.

I think you’ve had some horrible responses and I’m not sure why, it seems to me anxiety at the school gate causes a lot of people a lot of angst. Usually though they want to be friends and included and feel in some way they are being done wrong if random parents talk to each other and don’t invite them to join.

you just feel really uncomfortable standing there, like you should be chatting and don’t know how to, are worried about rejection, so you’re focusing on the fact you’re standing there alone.

my approach wouldn’t maybe help you, I didn’t give a shit, and am quite extroverted, I was also not always there, but when I was I would generally see a group of mums of my daughters year and just walk up and join them, say hi, if they dint know I’d say I’m x, x’s mum, bloody freezing today, hope they aren’t late out, or something similarly inane like love your jumper .

several times I’d have a mum give me a filthy stare , always the same mum, who was furious I’d rhe balls to stand with the group, like I wasn’t welcome, I just smiled brightly at her and cracked on. Fuck that, she can voice it if she is brave enough , if not then she can stew in silence. And stew she did. We aren’t 12. The rest were lovely.😄

If you want to have a couple of people to nod and chat to I'd look for similar looking people to you (I tend to be drawn to scruffy looking, crazy haired people). This time of year is perfect as you can ask 'what's your girl in the nativity' or 'they're all getting a bit tired this close to end of term..' etc.

If there are any parties coming up they're often good for the old small talk and getting to know people.

@Awkwardmum6 On the flip side, re. the dirty look from the mum, I seem to have a resting bitch face and tend to constantly worry that I have given people dirty looks or not an obvious enough smile.

I've even had jokes made by my friends when this happens. It doesn't help the poor soul who I've apparently given a dirty look to. They've probably been left thinking me and my friends are laughing at them, when in actual fact, my friends are laughing at me and my inability to crack a smile.

Most people would need to know someone to talk at a deeper level. Chit chat comes first. I love apolitical debate. No fucking way am I having it with a stranger in the playground where dc will be going to school for years.

I agree, Hasthelotarrived yet. I hated superficial chat and the gossipping was rife.

Small talk and putting myself out there to new people doesn't come naturally to me, but I forced myself to do it when my DS started school.

Parties helped, I made sure I was the one to take him and walked seemingly breezily over to other Mums and asked could I sit with them. I was cringing at myself inside, and it took a lot to do it, but I did it to help avoid the awkwardness of standing alone on the playground.

I now probably look like one of the Mums people don't like, stood in a group chatting to other parents I know quite well now. We have done social things with and without the DC outside of school too. But that doesn't mean we wouldn't very happily welcome another parent to stand and chat too if they came over or made conversation. However a group of people aren't going to suddenly all walk over to stand and chat to someone stood alone, it just wouldn't happen.

I actually think it's essential to get chatting to other parents. It's brings so many benefits! Arranging play dates after school being the obvious. Also for any emergencies where you are going to be bit late picking up, it's so much easier having a parent friend you can call on to help you out. You obviously don't have to be part of a mum group, but a couple of 'school gate friends' makes school life run a lot easier.
Hopefully when the birthday parties start, you'll get talking to some of them. I'd make the effort.

Make an effort for your daughter..it's an investment for her. Once she's got friends and off on play dates ui can back off.