Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a total over reaction

187 replies

titsgigglesandshits · 05/12/2023 19:55

I had three dates with a guy who was really lovely. Absolutely perfect and we got on really well, but after the 3rd date I knew he wanted to take it to the next level and I just wasn't ready so I finished it and said I liked him, he was perfect, but it was missing the chemistry. I had just come out of a short relationship and was quite upset about that, so I probably wasn't in the best place.

That was a few weeks ago and I have a lovely friend and she has younger children and although has her parents' support struggles juggling children, finances, work and time for herself. I would love to see someone sweep her off her feet and look after her, she's beautiful and kind.

I told her about the guy I'd briefly dated and asked if she wanted me to give him her number etc. She said yes so I got in touch and sent him her photos.

He said she was lovely and asked to meet me to find out more about her. I did expect him to just ask for her number, so when he asked to see me i wondered if it was a ploy to see me again. I told my friend and she said it sounded like he still liked me.

Anyway, I agreed to meet him and I was weirdly really looking forward to seeing him. He said he was disappointed that I'd ended it and I explained that I can be fickle and I wasn't ready for things to evolve or even if I wanted it to. He suggested that perhaps we just see each other as friends and if things evolved so be it. He said he's quite happy single, enjoys my company, so happy to go with the flow - no pressure. He said he liked I was independent job-wise and that our children were older. which isn't the case with my friend, but I wouldn't tell her this.

I spoke with my friend today, i was going to speak with her face to face, but she asked me over text and I explained what had happened. She's absolutely furious with me, she said I'm sly and underhand, i spend too much time on dating apps, jumping from one man to another, that I didn't need to meet him and if I were her friend I wouldn't have been so selfish. I'm really shocked by her reaction and feel really guilty as the last thing I wanted to do was upset her.

I feel guilty, because I probably will run from this relationship, and I didn't need to involve her to begin with, she didn't ask. I've apologised and agreed I was thinking about myself and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but she won't have any of it. She's fuming.
WWYD

OP posts:
Sconehenge · 05/12/2023 20:01

I don’t really understand her problem, it sounds like she thinks you’re stealing him from her but she’s never even met him?

If I was her I would be a bit miffed and eye rolly that you ever involved me at all as it’s clear you’re still playing games/getting something of a thrill from this guy, but it’s not like he’s “hers” now - more like you wasted her time.

Which is a bit “ugh” but nothing to really get upset about beyond mild annoyance.

DojaPhat · 05/12/2023 20:03

I think you made a lot of unnecessary work for yourself and this is all of that unravelling in pretty much the worst possible way.

Your friend's ego is most likely bruised - by her own admission his request to see you again did sound like he was still interested in you. I think from the get go you shouldn't have suggested them to each other, sometimes these things work but largely if he was in your life as a friend, not as a past interest fleeting though it was.

Give it sometime and try to occupy yourself with things central to your own life. I suppose at least you can tick off cupid's assistant as one thing that wasn't for you.

tachycardigan · 05/12/2023 20:04

You yourself acknowledge you’ll drop him soon so he’s a toy you want to pick up again because your friend wants him, and she sees through you.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 05/12/2023 20:04

Give her space, lots & lots of space. She's batshit!! I'd just find it funny! & wish you the best!

he's some bloke she's never met, she's acting like she was married to him for 20 years!!

Cumberbiatch · 05/12/2023 20:04

I think you've been insensitive and unkind. She's got a lot going on and probably really looked forward to getting to know this man, whereas you're not arsed about him but you're still choosing him over her feelings.

PinkyFlamingo · 05/12/2023 20:08

Well she sounds a bit mad but if I go on a date and then decide I didnt want to take it further the last thing I would be doing is trying to set them up with a friend!

BornIn78 · 05/12/2023 20:10

You've used your friend to reel him back in, whether that was your intention or not, that's how it comes across. You went along to meet him unnecessarily, knowing it was all about him seeing you again because he still liked you, under the pretence that you were doing it for your friend.

It all sounds a bit sly and 'ego boosty' on your side.

Ontheperiphery79 · 05/12/2023 20:18

You all sound selfish and immature.

ChiIIieP · 05/12/2023 20:23

Can't believe you tired to set your friend up with someone you dated and clearly still like. You don't look forward to seeing someone you're not in to. She is totally over reacting, but you have also been sly in meeting with him knowing you were looking forward to it.

Dacadactyl · 05/12/2023 20:28

tachycardigan · 05/12/2023 20:04

You yourself acknowledge you’ll drop him soon so he’s a toy you want to pick up again because your friend wants him, and she sees through you.

I agree with this.

Kittenkitty · 05/12/2023 20:41

Yeah I remember a girl doing this sort of thing in high school, saying she was introducing you to a guy and it was really to get an ego boost that he preferred her. And she would act all innocent as though she had no idea that men would like her so much, faux modesty. You dragged a friend into this, you’re stringing this bloke alone. You’re unkind. Do your “friend” a favour and leave her alone.

Takenoprisoner · 05/12/2023 20:54

I don't get these responses, the man himself doesn't want to meet the friend, he's more interested in op, surely that's his prerogative?

Yes annoying for friend but that was a personal attack on you @titsgigglesandshits , re you being on dating apps etc, she's the one in the wrong. I don't see how you can move past that. also lesson learnt, matchmaking can backfire.

AdultLounge · 05/12/2023 21:03

tachycardigan · 05/12/2023 20:04

You yourself acknowledge you’ll drop him soon so he’s a toy you want to pick up again because your friend wants him, and she sees through you.

This!

It's just an ego boost for you.

Original poster
titsgigglesandshits · 05/12/2023 21:47

My initial intention did come from a good place. I didn’t expect him to ask to see me, that threw me and made me reflect. He is lovely. he’s emotionally available, he’s local, he’s not needy, he’s kind , he’s perfect and then I thought why do I not want perfect?

I was honest with him. I said I’m fickle and I always sabotage or run he said no pressure. Let’s see what happens He’s happy to go with the flow he’s very chilled.

It has made me reflect about dating apps and my ego though. There's truth in that but I genuinely didn’t expect her to be so upset.
She also said she bet I’d slept with him .. which I absolutely didn’t and was why I ran before as didn’t want to take it to the next level. I think that was quite spiteful and made me feel less sorry tbh.

I was selfish and I take that on board, but you’d think I’d killed her cat and shoved it through the letter box by her reaction. I don’t think what I did was that bad

OP posts:
tachycardigan · 05/12/2023 21:49

You only want him because she likes the sound of him. She’s not the spiteful one.

fuckssaaaaake · 05/12/2023 22:04

Why would she be using her friend for an ego boost? She could have had him if she wanted him. It sounds like she just changed her mind (which we're allowed to do) and it was unfortunate that she had said it all to her friend before she realised she still liked him

autienotnaughty · 05/12/2023 22:36

If you and he are just friends why can't he date her? If it's that he doesn't want to why didn't you tell her that rather than saying 'he prefers me' if you and he are just friends then it has no impact on her.

Quitelikeit · 05/12/2023 22:42

Why on earth did you bother to meet him again?!

What did you gain from it? I’d never meet up with a man just to talk about recommending my friend to him

Perhaps your friend (who knows you better than we do) has hit some hard truths that you need to pay attention to.

Bobsyouraunty · 05/12/2023 22:51

I don’t think you’ve acted wisely and you’re both in the wrong which is why you’re getting mixed reactions from people.

You should’ve only recommended when you were absolutely sure you weren’t interested.

Wisdom would have told you not to meet up with him to discuss the potential of him and your friend. You even acknowledge that you thought he was doing it to see you again… so why go knowing your friend was interested??

Now when she’s said she’s interested, you want to crack on again. Maybe you haven’t done this with malicious intent, but it’s still unwise and insensitive.

Your friend was wrong to say those things, but it’s understandable where she came from.

Hellocatshome · 05/12/2023 23:01

WWYD?

Grow up for a start.

sandyhappypeople · 05/12/2023 23:03

What are you doing OP?

Never mind the friend/love triangle bullshit for a mo, forget that, he sounds like a decent guy that ticks all the boxes, you've described him as 'perfect' which, quite frankly, is as rarer find on OLD than unicorn shit, so what are you messing him about for?

For god's sake don't string him along, keep him on tenterhooks, then bin him off because it's a Tuesday.. you'll turn him into one who ISN'T perfect, and has a deep mistrust for women because of experiences like you, you obviously have severe communication issues where you can't even explain to a potential partner that you want to take things slow and see where they naturally lead.

If you don't want him, throw him back and stop pimping him out to your friends, I can't think of anything more fucking weird!!

Popdrop · 05/12/2023 23:05

You've said you feel guilty and selfish so you obviously know what you've done is stupid.

Agree with the toy comment!

Ladyj84 · 05/12/2023 23:09

It's not your friend in the wrong it's you playing with 2 people's emotions in different ways. Grow up and be adult!

Cherry8809 · 05/12/2023 23:18

sandyhappypeople · 05/12/2023 23:03

What are you doing OP?

Never mind the friend/love triangle bullshit for a mo, forget that, he sounds like a decent guy that ticks all the boxes, you've described him as 'perfect' which, quite frankly, is as rarer find on OLD than unicorn shit, so what are you messing him about for?

For god's sake don't string him along, keep him on tenterhooks, then bin him off because it's a Tuesday.. you'll turn him into one who ISN'T perfect, and has a deep mistrust for women because of experiences like you, you obviously have severe communication issues where you can't even explain to a potential partner that you want to take things slow and see where they naturally lead.

If you don't want him, throw him back and stop pimping him out to your friends, I can't think of anything more fucking weird!!

Omg, this, x1000

Original poster
titsgigglesandshits · 06/12/2023 00:23

I’m not messing him about. Sometimes you have to walk away and reflect to see things more clearly.

I was open and honest with him, but I think he’d already got it. I’m not a stranger to him. It was his suggestion to take the label off and see how things go.

There was a real connection and understanding and we hugged tightly for ages. He’s different, he’s comfortable in himself, he’s not demanding or needy.

I’m not going to mess him about because he is special.

I just wish I hadn't hurt my friend in the process and I can’t undo that. I've stopped engaging until she calms down and hopefully she'll forgive me.

This has actually been very cathartic

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread