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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a total over reaction

187 replies

titsgigglesandshits · 05/12/2023 19:55

I had three dates with a guy who was really lovely. Absolutely perfect and we got on really well, but after the 3rd date I knew he wanted to take it to the next level and I just wasn't ready so I finished it and said I liked him, he was perfect, but it was missing the chemistry. I had just come out of a short relationship and was quite upset about that, so I probably wasn't in the best place.

That was a few weeks ago and I have a lovely friend and she has younger children and although has her parents' support struggles juggling children, finances, work and time for herself. I would love to see someone sweep her off her feet and look after her, she's beautiful and kind.

I told her about the guy I'd briefly dated and asked if she wanted me to give him her number etc. She said yes so I got in touch and sent him her photos.

He said she was lovely and asked to meet me to find out more about her. I did expect him to just ask for her number, so when he asked to see me i wondered if it was a ploy to see me again. I told my friend and she said it sounded like he still liked me.

Anyway, I agreed to meet him and I was weirdly really looking forward to seeing him. He said he was disappointed that I'd ended it and I explained that I can be fickle and I wasn't ready for things to evolve or even if I wanted it to. He suggested that perhaps we just see each other as friends and if things evolved so be it. He said he's quite happy single, enjoys my company, so happy to go with the flow - no pressure. He said he liked I was independent job-wise and that our children were older. which isn't the case with my friend, but I wouldn't tell her this.

I spoke with my friend today, i was going to speak with her face to face, but she asked me over text and I explained what had happened. She's absolutely furious with me, she said I'm sly and underhand, i spend too much time on dating apps, jumping from one man to another, that I didn't need to meet him and if I were her friend I wouldn't have been so selfish. I'm really shocked by her reaction and feel really guilty as the last thing I wanted to do was upset her.

I feel guilty, because I probably will run from this relationship, and I didn't need to involve her to begin with, she didn't ask. I've apologised and agreed I was thinking about myself and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but she won't have any of it. She's fuming.
WWYD

OP posts:
thishasnotmyweek · 06/12/2023 05:56

Your friend is angry because you’ve played with her feelings and don’t seem to care / understand that what you did was wrong.

Why suggest they get together if you had any interest at all. That was a really stupid move - what if they met and liked each other then you’d have got jealous and it would have been a recipe for disaster.

Ridiculous idea. He also should have been honest about why he wanted to meet you and just said ‘I’m not interested in your friend because I’m interested in you’

ErmWhatever · 06/12/2023 05:58

"This has actually been very cathartic"

Well that makes it ok then 🤨

You sound very self involved.

Original poster
titsgigglesandshits · 06/12/2023 06:29

My mistake was I should never have mentioned him to my friend. I should have sat with that thought and processed my feelings.

It’s not really a straightforward case of him choosing me and preferring me over her because they’ve never met each other.

I had told my friend he’d asked to see me. It was only 3 weeks ago when I saw him last and we'd said we'd keep in touch.

Looking at my text messages my friend had said “it sounds like he still likes you as there’s not much to say in person that you can’t say over the phone, if that’s the case let it be. I don’t want to meet someone If they still like someone else” she also mentions that I should probably take some time out for a bit.

I think that’s why I didn’t give it more thought , as I didn’t think she was that invested.

I’m always protective and loyal towards my friends, which is why I’m upset that I’ve hurt her.
She won’t accept my apologies. I will tell her if she calms down about him saying she's at the wrong stage in life.

Never ever have I, would I flirt with my friend’s partners.

By cathartic I mean it's made me look at my behaviour, because you don't always see it until someone calls you out. it's good to hear the opinions on here, I needed to hear it.
We make mistakes, we learn we grow - it's life!

OP posts:
StayingUpSleepingIn · 06/12/2023 06:30

🙄

stayathomer · 06/12/2023 06:33

I find it so weird that you even tried to fix them up in the first place!!!!!!

Sleeplessnightssss · 06/12/2023 06:38

Wtf am i reading? I've never in my life heard of anything like it

saffronsoup · 06/12/2023 06:38

Seems like you see both men and friends as toys to mess around with and play games with in order to get your own needs met. You will lose both in the end if you keep treating them like this.

I am going to hope you are still just a new adults and it is your youth and lack of life experience that is leading you to treat people this way.

TryAgainWithFeeling · 06/12/2023 06:41

It’s weird that you attempted to set them up at all. It’s shitty to set them up then meet him.

And for gods sake, unless you’re 16 lose the “I warned him, I’m so fickle” act. Either it’s an act so he gets reeled in to “fix” you or you’re someone who doesn’t care that you treat people like shit, or maybe you’re protecting yourself because you’ve been treated badly. Whatever the reason, if you know that you treat them like shit, stop dating until you’ve worked on yourself. You won’t change because he is so nice - because he is not the problem, you are.

Yes, your friend overreacted to the particular situation. But I don’t blame her, because we’ve all known people like you who string other people along then dump them, and sometimes their behaviour pisses you off for ages until you can’t stand it any more. Her reaction isn’t about this one incident.

Honestly OP, you’ve got a chance here with a guy who sounds decent and a friendship in the balance. Don’t chuck it all away.

MargotBlobby · 06/12/2023 06:51

I actually don’t think it’s weird you tried to set them up. When I was doing OLD I set a friend up with a guy I went on a date with. But it was after one date, nice guy, zero chemistry and he was just far more on her wavelength. They went out about a dozen times.

What’s weird is that you met up with him again after suggesting your friend. If I was the friend I would feel a bit used, although I do think she’s gone a bit OTT. But I think you get that now.

margotrose · 06/12/2023 06:52

You describe your friend as “lovely” and this man as “perfect” but yet you still seem to quite happy to shit on both them to try and boost your own ego.

I’m not surprised your friend is angry - that’s how “mean girls” behave.

MargotBlobby · 06/12/2023 07:01

Also, if she’s still a friend in a week or two, you’ve kinda torpedoed the possibility of them ever meeting if you do become a couple with this guy. That would be so shite for the friend.

ChristmasFluff · 06/12/2023 07:01

It seems you are that person who shits all over people and then when they get upset says 'but I told you what I was like right from the start! This was YOUR choice!'

angieloumc · 06/12/2023 07:02

Oh dear, using your friend to give yourself an ego boost, that's just not nice.

Cherrysoup · 06/12/2023 07:04

Frankly weird to offer her your leavings. Why on earth did she accept?

ButterBastardBeans · 06/12/2023 07:09

I think the detail that he said he would struggle to date her because her kids are younger is important here.

Did you tell your friend that was a sticking point for him?

If you did, then great because it is the truth and one of the reasons he wants to carry on seeing you.

If you withheld this nugget from her, you do have questionable motives I suspect.

You say you are fickle etc. Your friend will also see this trait. She also has a low opinion of you and considers you a bed hopper.

Snowdogsmitten · 06/12/2023 07:19

You dragged her into this in the first place, then was excited to see him again to (weirdly) discuss her and instead engineered a casual relationship with him for yourself, having already ended it so the him. I can see why she found that sly.

JaneAustensHeroine · 06/12/2023 07:23

It’s all about you.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 06/12/2023 07:23

Personally, I'd be pretty offended if a guy I liked broke up with me after 3 dates and then tried to pair me up with one of his friends. It's a weird thing to do on all levels.

What's your takeaway from all this, OP?

SnapdragonToadflax · 06/12/2023 07:26

If you're self aware enough to know that you always sabotage relationships, grow up and stop bloody doing it.

Either behave like a normal person and date someone if you like them, or stop dating for a (long) while until you can behave properly.

Lostoldusername · 06/12/2023 07:27

Several things here:

It's weird to have tried to set them up

There was ZERO reason for you to meet up with him if you genuinely just wanted to set them up - 'here's her number, I'll leave you to get in touch' would have been suffice. You met up with him for your own benefit, no one else's.

You clearly wanted to see him again and get that ego boost of being able to say to your friend 'ah actually he's not interested in you but we are going to try again'

Very cruel and unnecessary.

Nicole1111 · 06/12/2023 07:30

Sounds to me like you tried to palm him off when you grew bored of him then played some weird pick me game in competition with your friend by playing hard to get with the man when you realised you wanted to continue it. I imagine your friend is bored of your ego led approach to dating, which she likely has to hear all about, and even more annoyed she got pulled in to it.

lollipoprainbow · 06/12/2023 07:31

the guy sounds annoying too. If he had feelings for you OP he should never have agreed to potentially meet up with your friend.

NalafromtheLionKing · 06/12/2023 07:31

Reading between the lines, I think you actually do like and want him and are scared of getting hurt, so you rejected him to protect yourself when you thought it was that or sleeping with him when you weren’t ready.

It doesn’t sound like he’s that shallow and I think you should give it a go with him (though perhaps hang up your match-making hat).

Tiredalwaystired · 06/12/2023 07:36

PinkyFlamingo · 05/12/2023 20:08

Well she sounds a bit mad but if I go on a date and then decide I didnt want to take it further the last thing I would be doing is trying to set them up with a friend!

Interestingly, my friend did exactly this. Met a guy, had a few dates, worked out he wasn’t for her, but thought he would be a good match for me. She then introduced us.

We've been married almost 20 years.

Don’t dismiss it!

PostmansKnock · 06/12/2023 07:37

MargotBlobby · 06/12/2023 07:01

Also, if she’s still a friend in a week or two, you’ve kinda torpedoed the possibility of them ever meeting if you do become a couple with this guy. That would be so shite for the friend.

Good point.