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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a total over reaction

187 replies

titsgigglesandshits · 05/12/2023 19:55

I had three dates with a guy who was really lovely. Absolutely perfect and we got on really well, but after the 3rd date I knew he wanted to take it to the next level and I just wasn't ready so I finished it and said I liked him, he was perfect, but it was missing the chemistry. I had just come out of a short relationship and was quite upset about that, so I probably wasn't in the best place.

That was a few weeks ago and I have a lovely friend and she has younger children and although has her parents' support struggles juggling children, finances, work and time for herself. I would love to see someone sweep her off her feet and look after her, she's beautiful and kind.

I told her about the guy I'd briefly dated and asked if she wanted me to give him her number etc. She said yes so I got in touch and sent him her photos.

He said she was lovely and asked to meet me to find out more about her. I did expect him to just ask for her number, so when he asked to see me i wondered if it was a ploy to see me again. I told my friend and she said it sounded like he still liked me.

Anyway, I agreed to meet him and I was weirdly really looking forward to seeing him. He said he was disappointed that I'd ended it and I explained that I can be fickle and I wasn't ready for things to evolve or even if I wanted it to. He suggested that perhaps we just see each other as friends and if things evolved so be it. He said he's quite happy single, enjoys my company, so happy to go with the flow - no pressure. He said he liked I was independent job-wise and that our children were older. which isn't the case with my friend, but I wouldn't tell her this.

I spoke with my friend today, i was going to speak with her face to face, but she asked me over text and I explained what had happened. She's absolutely furious with me, she said I'm sly and underhand, i spend too much time on dating apps, jumping from one man to another, that I didn't need to meet him and if I were her friend I wouldn't have been so selfish. I'm really shocked by her reaction and feel really guilty as the last thing I wanted to do was upset her.

I feel guilty, because I probably will run from this relationship, and I didn't need to involve her to begin with, she didn't ask. I've apologised and agreed I was thinking about myself and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but she won't have any of it. She's fuming.
WWYD

OP posts:
tachycardigan · 08/12/2023 07:55

titsgigglesandshits · 07/12/2023 23:11

The character assassination doesn’t bother me because this post isn’t a reflection of my character just a snippet of an uncharacteristic, thoughtless action that I’ve acknowledged and want to make right.

We’ve all known a mean girl and fantasised about what we'd like to say, so at least I’ve given these ladies an opportunity to bent 😁

We all make mistakes, I've acknowledged it, I've apologised. I'm not going to beat myself up about it anymore🙏

I think the reference to Mean Girls is apt, you’re acting and talking like a 17 year old with zero self awareness but you think you have deep insight.

And I’m guessing it is characteristic as you’ve described yourself as fickle, and people like this are often like this in both relationships and friendships.

NonPlayerCharacter · 08/12/2023 08:18

I don't think you should beat yourself up but I do think you should be careful of how you treat both him and her going forward. You do owe her an apology and efforts to make good, and if you're that sure that you're going to ditch him because That's What You Do, then do it sooner rather than later. Despite what some people think, warning someone in advance that you're going to treat them horribly doesn't make it OK to go ahead and do it, even if it does also make them a fool to sit and wait for it.

happyfoot · 08/12/2023 08:28

Despite what some people think, warning someone in advance that you're going to treat them horribly doesn't make it OK to go ahead and do it, even if it does also make them a fool to sit and wait for it

I agree with this. It's not decent behaviour at all. It might also come back to bite you when a guy you really like does the same to you.

Ablondiebutagoody · 08/12/2023 09:30

lollipoprainbow · 06/12/2023 07:31

the guy sounds annoying too. If he had feelings for you OP he should never have agreed to potentially meet up with your friend.

I agree with this. He also shouldn't have agreed to be friends with OP and "see how things go". He's not being genuine and nor is she. She knows full well that everytime they meet he will be hoping that things progress to the next level (and then go home with blue balls and be texting her about how amazing she is). This whole scenario is all about the ego boost for her.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 08/12/2023 11:08

QueenofTerrasen · 06/12/2023 01:07

You really can't see what you did is hideous?
You decided you didn't want him, passed him off to your mate who was excited about it, then decided you did want him when she was interested. You went behind her back, then went and shoved your pick me bullshit in her face.
You don't even like the man, you said yourself you'll drop him. What you've done is use them both for an ego boost, and it's incredibly spiteful. I wouldn't want anything to do with you if I were her.

This, exactly.

Jeclop · 08/12/2023 15:49

PinkyFlamingo · 05/12/2023 20:08

Well she sounds a bit mad but if I go on a date and then decide I didnt want to take it further the last thing I would be doing is trying to set them up with a friend!

This is how I met my now husband!

bananamangoes · 08/12/2023 18:25

Your friends nuts

you’re not her personal matchmaker

he is a real person. Not a toy

tell her get online

T1Dmama · 09/12/2023 00:19

Pinkpinkpink15 · 05/12/2023 20:04

Give her space, lots & lots of space. She's batshit!! I'd just find it funny! & wish you the best!

he's some bloke she's never met, she's acting like she was married to him for 20 years!!

This ….
I find her reaction weird… but then I’d literally never suggest setting up an ex with a friend…. That’s weird too.

Nantescalling · 09/12/2023 23:54

She's no FRIEND. Drop her like a hotcake but don't drop him!

Original poster
titsgigglesandshits · 10/12/2023 01:39

Nantescalling · 09/12/2023 23:54

She's no FRIEND. Drop her like a hotcake but don't drop him!

Funnily enough, I've just come back from another wonderful evening with him. Really glad I gave it a second chance.
I'm leaving her to it, if she calms down fair enough will move forward. All mutual friends think she's out of order , not just because her reaction was ridiculous over someone she'd never met, but more so because of her personal remarks towards me. But they've also experienced her wrath

OP posts:
shearwater2 · 10/12/2023 03:30

I think you have messed them both about and I find it very odd, and agree that it's sly and underhand.

It's ok not to be aware of your true feelings for someone but it's particularly weird that you tried to pass your leftovers to your mate, and then decided that actually weren't leftovers after all.

Not sure that I'd have reacted the same way your friend did, but I'd certainly be reflecting upon the friendship

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 10/12/2023 04:58

All mutual friends think she's out of order , not just because her reaction was ridiculous over someone she'd never met, but more so because of her personal remarks towards me. But they've also experienced her wrath
How honest are you being with them about how bizarre this is, or are you just making her sound crazy and disruptive to your new found love?

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 05:10

The fact you involved your friend was unfortunate, but it's not your fault he's interested in you and not her; that would be the case whether you decided to see him or not.

You have the right to be indecisive and/or to change your mind. You've communicated honestly. You haven't done anything wrong. You don't know what you want and he's okay with that.

These are two separate issues. Your friend is overreacting. You can only control so many things and no one is perfect. Just breathe and do you.

MrBojnokopffsPurpleHat · 10/12/2023 05:30

You sound like s narcissistic game-player. You've got all the right comebacks, and I don't believe you really care about your friends hurt feelings,. Sounds like she was just used as bait to engage his attention So she served her purpose, and he's back focusing on you. Nice brag, and not so subtle jab at her. She deserves a better friend and she's very aware of it.

Quitelikeit · 10/12/2023 08:50

Awww how nice you had another romantic date with someone you were apparently not interested in.

What you did was downright strange/bizarre/underhand and you have been called out on it.

Dress it up how you like my dear but it still doesn’t take away from some of your shadier characteristics. Interestingly though you do attract in what you put out so do pay close attention to this ‘amazing’ man.

NonPlayerCharacter · 10/12/2023 08:56

titsgigglesandshits · 10/12/2023 01:39

Funnily enough, I've just come back from another wonderful evening with him. Really glad I gave it a second chance.
I'm leaving her to it, if she calms down fair enough will move forward. All mutual friends think she's out of order , not just because her reaction was ridiculous over someone she'd never met, but more so because of her personal remarks towards me. But they've also experienced her wrath

Show quote history

All mutual friends think she's out of order , not just because her reaction was ridiculous over someone she'd never met, but more so because of her personal remarks towards me.

Why are you gossiping about this and speaking badly about her to your mutual friends?

balmysummerevening · 10/12/2023 08:58

Bit weird you seem so happy about giving him another chance considering you spent most of your OP stating how there was missing chemistry and you just werent into him.

I mean, congrats on dating someone with zero chemistry?!- I'm not quite sure why that's so wonderful but ok, well done you if that's what you want to hear. 🙄

giraffetrousers · 10/12/2023 09:01

I am LOL. You only want to date him now because someone else likes him. As soon as your friend moves on and likes someone else, you'll drop him like a used Kleenex.

Let me predict what will happen next- you'll get a crush on a different man that your friend has started seeing and then you'll come whining about how hard it is and how you suspect he really likes you, not her, and what should you do 😂

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 10/12/2023 09:06

NonPlayerCharacter · 10/12/2023 08:56

All mutual friends think she's out of order , not just because her reaction was ridiculous over someone she'd never met, but more so because of her personal remarks towards me.

Why are you gossiping about this and speaking badly about her to your mutual friends?

Show quote history

Because how else do you increase the 'attention seeking poor me victim hood' while simultaneously elbowing the person who you're blaming for any drama out of your group?!
Sounds quite calculated now, because of course when op decides to again ditch this guy she can blame the other 'friend' for making it too hard for her! Win-win for her!

NonPlayerCharacter · 10/12/2023 09:09

Actually I'm hoping they stay together. I think the dating market would be better with them both off it...

Calliopespa · 10/12/2023 10:44

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 10/12/2023 09:06

Because how else do you increase the 'attention seeking poor me victim hood' while simultaneously elbowing the person who you're blaming for any drama out of your group?!
Sounds quite calculated now, because of course when op decides to again ditch this guy she can blame the other 'friend' for making it too hard for her! Win-win for her!

Show quote history

I’m guessing the “ mutual friends” might be the guy during the lovely second chance evening? They probably had a mutually reinforcing chat about how hard it is when everyone wants you: he wants her, the friend wants him. Sigh. OP I felt really compassionate towards you when you seemed confused about why she was annoyed and were apparently open to trying to apologise appropriately. But if m, after so many posters taking time to point out and connect the dots as to why she was reacting as she did m, you can just brush that all aside and announce you are “leaving her to it,” the sympathy becomes much harder. And I’d watch out for the guy too if he thinks the way your friend has been treated is “fine.” It may be gratifying now while the relationship seems to be moving through one of its elusive on/off chemistry phases; but you may value your friend a bit more if and when that changes.

NonPlayerCharacter · 10/12/2023 11:30

I’m guessing the “ mutual friends” might be the guy during the lovely second chance evening?

I hope so. If she really is bitching about the friend to all their mutual friends and getting them all to agree about how dreadful the rejected friend is, the poor woman must be even more alone than we thought.

I had some sympathy earlier OP, when I thought you'd made a mistake and were genuinely contrite about it. But now I see you're talking badly about the friend to people you're both friends with and boasting about how well it's going, well, I'm kind of shifting towards the general consensus now. I don't think you're sincere at all.

I wonder how old they all are. Presumably OP is young enough for the "oh I always ditch them, even the good ones, that's What I Do" schtick to still be considered cute by some. Enjoy that while it lasts.

Butterflywings18 · 10/12/2023 16:10

titsgigglesandshits · 10/12/2023 01:39

Funnily enough, I've just come back from another wonderful evening with him. Really glad I gave it a second chance.
I'm leaving her to it, if she calms down fair enough will move forward. All mutual friends think she's out of order , not just because her reaction was ridiculous over someone she'd never met, but more so because of her personal remarks towards me. But they've also experienced her wrath

Show quote history

Perhaps coming to your senses and realising the 'nice' guys are worth hanging on to. The best relationships are those who begin as great friends. Ultimately you want a partner who will end up being your very best friend. Sexual chemistry if there on day one is a bonus. If not then given time it can grow to something you never thought possible in the beginning. I hope it works out for you 😊

InBuffywetrust · 11/12/2023 11:37

Totally weird that you got your friend involved in this. But hindsight is a bitch. I think you should ask yourself why you did it. Give your friend space and do some introspection. Set this guy back into the dating pool, it's not fair to mess people about when you haven't got your shit together.

JaneAustensHeroine · 11/12/2023 14:47

Agree with @MrBojnokopffsPurpleHat . There’s evidence of narcissistic tendencies here. You played hard to get until he was quite happy to meet your friend. When you realised that you could be out of the picture altogether, you quickly changed your mind.

You come across as being quite unpleasant, self-absorbed and smug.