to think this is a total over reaction

[titsgigglesandshits]

I had three dates with a guy who was really lovely. Absolutely perfect and we got on really well, but after the 3rd date I knew he wanted to take it to the next level and I just wasn't ready so I finished it and said I liked him, he was perfect, but it was missing the chemistry. I had just come out of a short relationship and was quite upset about that, so I probably wasn't in the best place.

That was a few weeks ago and I have a lovely friend and she has younger children and although has her parents' support struggles juggling children, finances, work and time for herself. I would love to see someone sweep her off her feet and look after her, she's beautiful and kind.

I told her about the guy I'd briefly dated and asked if she wanted me to give him her number etc. She said yes so I got in touch and sent him her photos.

He said she was lovely and asked to meet me to find out more about her. I did expect him to just ask for her number, so when he asked to see me i wondered if it was a ploy to see me again. I told my friend and she said it sounded like he still liked me.

Anyway, I agreed to meet him and I was weirdly really looking forward to seeing him. He said he was disappointed that I'd ended it and I explained that I can be fickle and I wasn't ready for things to evolve or even if I wanted it to. He suggested that perhaps we just see each other as friends and if things evolved so be it. He said he's quite happy single, enjoys my company, so happy to go with the flow - no pressure. He said he liked I was independent job-wise and that our children were older. which isn't the case with my friend, but I wouldn't tell her this.

I spoke with my friend today, i was going to speak with her face to face, but she asked me over text and I explained what had happened. She's absolutely furious with me, she said I'm sly and underhand, i spend too much time on dating apps, jumping from one man to another, that I didn't need to meet him and if I were her friend I wouldn't have been so selfish. I'm really shocked by her reaction and feel really guilty as the last thing I wanted to do was upset her.

I feel guilty, because I probably will run from this relationship, and I didn't need to involve her to begin with, she didn't ask. I've apologised and agreed I was thinking about myself and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but she won't have any of it. She's fuming.
WWYD

You've managed all of this very poorly - both the bloke and your friend.

The sudden break off even though you were both getting on - all you needed to do was talk and say, 'I'd like to take this slowly.'

Describing this nice bloke to your mate, getting her hopes up when it sounds she's going through a hard time and then telling her he's not interested.

Your mate's reaction does sound OTT but actually if you manage everything like this, this could've been the straw that broke the camel's back - and she's annoyed about your pattern of behaviour / dealing with things.

As a PP says - you sound like you're 15.

If she said to leave it be because she thought he was still interested in you before you went to meet him, then she sounds like she has over-reacted.
Unless you insisted at that point that you weren't interested and pressed the suggestion that she meet him ?

I’m ready to believe it came from a good place but it has been mishandled, and I can understand her indignation. She has been dangled to the guy as the “ well we do have this other item in stock” option, she has been humble, pragmatic and unaffected enough not to take umbrage at your potentially high-handed charity, and then in the end she didn’t even get to hoover up your cast offs because you grabbed it back out of the charity bag at the last minute. I can see why people are feeling it’s mean and a bit of an ego boost, however I think it’s probably more to do with ambivalence on your part than bad intentions. Sort out where you stand and stand there: don’t muck the other two about. Take her a bunch of flowers and say you meant well but can see you’ve made a bit of a tit of yourself with your dithering.

This. Someone trying to set you up with their cast off is never good for the ego.

I am but that doesn't usually affect my friendships.
I'm selective with friends many I've know for years. I'm usually really loyal and kind which is how most people describe me. I don't do drama - believe it or not. Infact my friend only recently said I always come from a good place. Obviously I haven't on this instance.

She did have a friend who was really awful, cheated on multiple men, slept with my friend's brother, was always out for herself. She's not in touch with her anymore , but I wonder if she's projecting that anger towards me.
I've never done anything to upset her before I've always been supportive.

"I explained that I can be fickle"

You are not an adolescent. Probably time to work on that with a therapist.

I don't see what her problem is.
I think its weird you'd give her your cast offs though!

Thanks for the suggestion of flowers. I'll let her calm down and send some over the weekend 🙏

Don’t worry OP: you’ve messed up a bit, we all do it. I can see how it’s unravelled in a way that wasn’t your original intention. But time to step up and put it right. Direct your energy into that instead of wasting time beating yourself up. No one’s perfect.

I expect her pride is very wounded, OP. It doesn't sound like she gets many chances to date and meet men, so here was an opportunity. Her friend set her up with a former beau of her own who she had rejected, he said he was interested, then it turns out he was only trying to get close to you again and now you've accepted so you two are an item again. And she's rejected for you before she even met him.

I don't think it's unsalvageable though. Sounds like you've both made mistakes of the heart...who hasn't.

If you do keep trying to make good and she's a real friend, I expect you can get past it.

Even better still if you can take them round? It doesn’t need to be an ostentatious bunch but having you actually front up holding them might mean a lot I think… I know it’s sometimes hard face to face when things are awkward but has the benefit of sincerity. I wouldn’t close the door on you!

I wouldn't pass my ex dates around my friends in the first place!

Sorry OP, but I think you've behaved very oddly throughout, and if I were your friend I'd be very annoyed with you too. She shouldn't have insulted you about your dating life, but she no doubt spoke in anger, because your behaviour has made a fool of her.

You may have been well meaning, but unfortunately you've ended up looking like a child who gives her friend her cast off doll then regrets it and wants it back. Not to mention the undertone of "well obviously he'd prefer ME if I wanted him, but you'd have done if I didnt"

In future I'd strongly suggest you get on with your own life and leave other people alone. Match making is fine but you've far too much skin in the dating game to behave in other people's interests, so concentrate on your own.

She's hurt. You offered her your castoffs, then your castoffs has rejected her as he'd prefer you. Her self-esteem has probably taken a massive knock there. Whilst yours has got a boost.

I explained that I can be fickle

Yes, and you use that as an excuse to mess people around and keep them dangling hopefully. You've done it to this man and you've done it to your friend.

If I was your friend, I wouldn't have started yelling at you or anything, but I would certainly be dialling back the friendship to zero.

You knew full well what you were doing when you went to meet him.

It wasn’t the wisest thing to do. But I don’t think you intended to mess your friend around and I think all the “sly” comments are just internalised misogyny.

It was more cock up than conspiracy.

I agree with this OP. Offering “cast-offs” can be a recipe for trouble as people get proud ( even if pragmatically it can sometimes be useful). However, you meant well, you know your friend better than anyone on here, and, while we might not have done that ourselves, you, in fact, clearly didn’t get that bit wrong, as she accepted. The problem has come in when you grabbed the cast-off back after she had accepted. And I think that was your own internal confusion rather than being sly or premeditated.

Genuinely perplexed why people are referring to him as a “cast off”. Some people are compatible and some aren’t. Doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with the guy. And also doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a perfect match for someone you know.

As mentioned up thread, my friend introduced me to a guy she met online dating. They’d had a couple of dates but decided it wasn’t going anywhere although they got on as friends.

She introduced him to me and we’ve been married almost 20 years now. She’s also married to someone I wouldnt have the least bit of compatibility with, although, again, he’s a very nice man.

“Cast off” is really disrespectful to the guy actually.

Eh?

If she does not even know this guy, they don't even have each others numbers or anything then she has LITERALLY lost nothing.

Looking at my text messages my friend had said “it sounds like he still likes you as there’s not much to say in person that you can’t say over the phone, if that’s the case let it be. I don’t want to meet someone If they still like someone else” she also mentions that I should probably take some time out for a bit.

Did you reply to these messages saying, actually I'm weirdly looking forward to seeing him so in fact I'm clearly also still interested? Or did you go on with the line that you were only meeting him for her sake?

Yes, sorry, it is actually. I think we were all thinking from the perspective of the friend, who clearly took your pragmatic view at first, but when the chance was withdrawn must have thought “ you didn’t even want him till I did.” Sorry: we were all focused on explaining why the friend might have felt miffed. And some of the best relationships actually are the result of an “ I know you would click with “ epiphany. Truth be told, I suspect the real problem here is he was never really “ cast off” in the first place: I think OP has got jitters …

As I said earlier, I don’t think it was the “onward referral” per se that had upset OP’s friend anyway; it’s the reprising of the guy after she had expressed interest.

I'm guessing you are both a certain age. Dating when you have children and ultimately looking for a commited relationship is really disheartening.

There are not many men as lovely as the one you met and finding one to consider something further with is very rare.

You met one, so was very lucky in the first place. You didn't appreciate it. You then tease your friend with it, getting her hopes up, and then slam her hopes not only by make her realised that he is not for her but that you've actually decided to keep him for you, if you ever want him some day.

If you were my friend, I would ditch you. Friends don't do that. It's very self centered and unkind even if it is was a one off situation.

No. She is rightfully angry at you. Your friend's feelings are perfectly valid.

Interesting first post