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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a total over reaction

187 replies

titsgigglesandshits · 05/12/2023 19:55

I had three dates with a guy who was really lovely. Absolutely perfect and we got on really well, but after the 3rd date I knew he wanted to take it to the next level and I just wasn't ready so I finished it and said I liked him, he was perfect, but it was missing the chemistry. I had just come out of a short relationship and was quite upset about that, so I probably wasn't in the best place.

That was a few weeks ago and I have a lovely friend and she has younger children and although has her parents' support struggles juggling children, finances, work and time for herself. I would love to see someone sweep her off her feet and look after her, she's beautiful and kind.

I told her about the guy I'd briefly dated and asked if she wanted me to give him her number etc. She said yes so I got in touch and sent him her photos.

He said she was lovely and asked to meet me to find out more about her. I did expect him to just ask for her number, so when he asked to see me i wondered if it was a ploy to see me again. I told my friend and she said it sounded like he still liked me.

Anyway, I agreed to meet him and I was weirdly really looking forward to seeing him. He said he was disappointed that I'd ended it and I explained that I can be fickle and I wasn't ready for things to evolve or even if I wanted it to. He suggested that perhaps we just see each other as friends and if things evolved so be it. He said he's quite happy single, enjoys my company, so happy to go with the flow - no pressure. He said he liked I was independent job-wise and that our children were older. which isn't the case with my friend, but I wouldn't tell her this.

I spoke with my friend today, i was going to speak with her face to face, but she asked me over text and I explained what had happened. She's absolutely furious with me, she said I'm sly and underhand, i spend too much time on dating apps, jumping from one man to another, that I didn't need to meet him and if I were her friend I wouldn't have been so selfish. I'm really shocked by her reaction and feel really guilty as the last thing I wanted to do was upset her.

I feel guilty, because I probably will run from this relationship, and I didn't need to involve her to begin with, she didn't ask. I've apologised and agreed I was thinking about myself and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but she won't have any of it. She's fuming.
WWYD

OP posts:
steff13 · 06/12/2023 00:33

Kittenkitty · 05/12/2023 20:41

Yeah I remember a girl doing this sort of thing in high school, saying she was introducing you to a guy and it was really to get an ego boost that he preferred her. And she would act all innocent as though she had no idea that men would like her so much, faux modesty. You dragged a friend into this, you’re stringing this bloke alone. You’re unkind. Do your “friend” a favour and leave her alone.

It happened in the movie Mean Girls, too, right?

QueenofTerrasen · 06/12/2023 01:07

You really can't see what you did is hideous?
You decided you didn't want him, passed him off to your mate who was excited about it, then decided you did want him when she was interested. You went behind her back, then went and shoved your pick me bullshit in her face.
You don't even like the man, you said yourself you'll drop him. What you've done is use them both for an ego boost, and it's incredibly spiteful. I wouldn't want anything to do with you if I were her.

Coolstorysis · 06/12/2023 01:27

You sound like a headfuck, why involve your poor friend.

Banana1979 · 06/12/2023 01:37

This is very immature. You sending pictures of this man to your friend and pictures of her to this man when you knew clearly that he wanted something more from you
offence, but you sound about 15
and I’m not even sure 15-year-olds would do this.
apologise to your friend and tell her you’re not sure where your head is at At. You should never have involved her in the first place when you wasn’t sure about how you felt about him.

Josette77 · 06/12/2023 01:44

I feel awful for your friend.

You sound very manipulative and arrogant.

Abouttoblow · 06/12/2023 01:52

titsgigglesandshits · 05/12/2023 21:47

My initial intention did come from a good place. I didn’t expect him to ask to see me, that threw me and made me reflect. He is lovely. he’s emotionally available, he’s local, he’s not needy, he’s kind , he’s perfect and then I thought why do I not want perfect?

I was honest with him. I said I’m fickle and I always sabotage or run he said no pressure. Let’s see what happens He’s happy to go with the flow he’s very chilled.

It has made me reflect about dating apps and my ego though. There's truth in that but I genuinely didn’t expect her to be so upset.
She also said she bet I’d slept with him .. which I absolutely didn’t and was why I ran before as didn’t want to take it to the next level. I think that was quite spiteful and made me feel less sorry tbh.

I was selfish and I take that on board, but you’d think I’d killed her cat and shoved it through the letter box by her reaction. I don’t think what I did was that bad

You're fooling no one. You're stringing him along and treating your so called friend like shit.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 06/12/2023 01:55

I wouldn’t want my mates cast offs anyway 🤣 this was never going to end well, I wouldn’t have even suggested they date tbh. It’s a bit strange to me!

StayingUpSleepingIn · 06/12/2023 01:59

You sound like an immature, attention seeker who is full of yourself.

You feel good now because you know he would rather ‘wait’ for you than have an actual opportunity to date your friend. That feeds your ego. Horrible way to be OP, be careful you don’t end up completely alone because you’ve enjoyed toying with men and fucking over your friends in the process.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 06/12/2023 01:59

More to the point, why did you meet him when he asked after telling him about your friend? 🤣You met him because you knew exactly what you were doing, you were testing the waters. We weren’t born yesterday!

GotTheTshirtx1000 · 06/12/2023 02:03

Nailed it

FirstTimeTTC989 · 06/12/2023 02:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StayingUpSleepingIn · 06/12/2023 02:07

I wouldn’t want my mates cast offs anyway 🤣 this was never going to end well, I wouldn’t have even suggested they date tbh. It’s a bit strange to me!

But if she didn’t suggest they date, how could she have made herself feel more attractive and in demand than her friend? She wanted to know thought she was better than her friend. 🙄

We’ve all met these sorts of people, they want to feel like they’re wanted by everyone and could have anyone. They’re the sort that flirt with their friends partners and love it if they flirt back, because then they ‘know’ they could take him from you’. Horrible people. 🙄

StayingUpSleepingIn · 06/12/2023 02:09

**She wanted to know HE thought she was better than her friend.

Ellamaelucyolivia · 06/12/2023 02:11

I don't understand how you don't realise you've done a shit thing. You got her hopes up. She was excited and happy. Then you kept him yourself. I know why she is so angry. I think you lack awareness, OP, and you're playing around with people's feelings.

Museum10662 · 06/12/2023 02:13

titsgigglesandshits · 05/12/2023 21:47

My initial intention did come from a good place. I didn’t expect him to ask to see me, that threw me and made me reflect. He is lovely. he’s emotionally available, he’s local, he’s not needy, he’s kind , he’s perfect and then I thought why do I not want perfect?

I was honest with him. I said I’m fickle and I always sabotage or run he said no pressure. Let’s see what happens He’s happy to go with the flow he’s very chilled.

It has made me reflect about dating apps and my ego though. There's truth in that but I genuinely didn’t expect her to be so upset.
She also said she bet I’d slept with him .. which I absolutely didn’t and was why I ran before as didn’t want to take it to the next level. I think that was quite spiteful and made me feel less sorry tbh.

I was selfish and I take that on board, but you’d think I’d killed her cat and shoved it through the letter box by her reaction. I don’t think what I did was that bad

Some people don't always understand the differences of levels of bad, they just see as has happened that what you did was bad,

momonpurpose · 06/12/2023 02:44

tachycardigan · 05/12/2023 21:49

You only want him because she likes the sound of him. She’s not the spiteful one.

With friendsike these who needs enemies

LAMPS1 · 06/12/2023 04:48

You offered your cast off to your lovely friend as a sort of gift to make up for her struggling. She enthusiastically agreed but then you withdrew the gift because you suddenly got excited about seeing him again.
That is two people’s lives you are messing with.
No wonder your lovely friend is upset.

What do you plan to do with him next OP ?

ANightingale · 06/12/2023 05:05

This does sound a bit like something that would happen amongst 12 year olds. "My mate really likes you" type thing.

He said he liked I was independent job-wise and that our children were older. which isn't the case with my friend, but I wouldn't tell her this.

It might be less hurtful to your friend if you did tell her - if she's at the wrong life-stage for him that's more of a neutral message than him liking you better than her.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 06/12/2023 05:10

"I know I'm fickle and I always sabotage or run"

This isn't some kind of badge of honour. If you know this about yourself you should be working on why, not using it in an "OMG, I'm so deep and insightful, but also a sexy hot mess" way to reel in men, who mostly fall for that shit.

Women, on the other hand, see right through you.

Zanatdy · 06/12/2023 05:11

You should have told your friend about the young kids issue as assume that means he wasn’t interested anyway. I can see why your friend is hurt

HeraSyndulla · 06/12/2023 05:13

I think you need to leave this guy alone.

Random30 · 06/12/2023 05:18

You haven’t been much of a friend though.

As you say - you’re fickle, and obviously wanted to put your friend back in her box.

You weren’t a friend and I’d imagine this is just another example.

Pancakeorcrepe · 06/12/2023 05:20

You are playing some very weird games. Just leave these two people alone until you mature and stop being so manipulative.

WandaWonder · 06/12/2023 05:21

So in short you need a man, you don't care how as long as you can claim one and get attention?

PubicZirconia · 06/12/2023 05:53

Yeah...you've messed up.Why you are treating your 'kind and beautiful' friend and 'perfect' guy like this is beyond me.Stop with the faux innocence,you know exactly what you're doing.