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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a total over reaction

187 replies

titsgigglesandshits · 05/12/2023 19:55

I had three dates with a guy who was really lovely. Absolutely perfect and we got on really well, but after the 3rd date I knew he wanted to take it to the next level and I just wasn't ready so I finished it and said I liked him, he was perfect, but it was missing the chemistry. I had just come out of a short relationship and was quite upset about that, so I probably wasn't in the best place.

That was a few weeks ago and I have a lovely friend and she has younger children and although has her parents' support struggles juggling children, finances, work and time for herself. I would love to see someone sweep her off her feet and look after her, she's beautiful and kind.

I told her about the guy I'd briefly dated and asked if she wanted me to give him her number etc. She said yes so I got in touch and sent him her photos.

He said she was lovely and asked to meet me to find out more about her. I did expect him to just ask for her number, so when he asked to see me i wondered if it was a ploy to see me again. I told my friend and she said it sounded like he still liked me.

Anyway, I agreed to meet him and I was weirdly really looking forward to seeing him. He said he was disappointed that I'd ended it and I explained that I can be fickle and I wasn't ready for things to evolve or even if I wanted it to. He suggested that perhaps we just see each other as friends and if things evolved so be it. He said he's quite happy single, enjoys my company, so happy to go with the flow - no pressure. He said he liked I was independent job-wise and that our children were older. which isn't the case with my friend, but I wouldn't tell her this.

I spoke with my friend today, i was going to speak with her face to face, but she asked me over text and I explained what had happened. She's absolutely furious with me, she said I'm sly and underhand, i spend too much time on dating apps, jumping from one man to another, that I didn't need to meet him and if I were her friend I wouldn't have been so selfish. I'm really shocked by her reaction and feel really guilty as the last thing I wanted to do was upset her.

I feel guilty, because I probably will run from this relationship, and I didn't need to involve her to begin with, she didn't ask. I've apologised and agreed I was thinking about myself and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but she won't have any of it. She's fuming.
WWYD

OP posts:
Ploctopus · 06/12/2023 13:02

I think she is being ridiculously possessive over a man she’s never even met.

I think you meant well but probably jumped the gun by playing matchmaker. It clearly wasn’t malicious though, just misguided. I might be a little bit miffed at being involved if I was your friend but her reaction is totally unwarranted.

SwishSwishBisch · 06/12/2023 13:22

I’ve pretty much only read your replies @titsgigglesandshits and what stands out to me is how ‘Me’ focused they all are.
Have you actually stopped to try and understand what your friend is feeling and, dare I ask, why?!? If she’s a ‘lovely friend’ as you say yourself, it seems unusual and unlikely that there’s going to be zero truth or reason behind her reaction to what happened. If this friendship means anything to you, maybe stop thinking about your own thoughts and feelings for a minute or two and try to engage with her about hers?

SwishSwishBisch · 06/12/2023 13:22

Just to add, I feel like her reaction probably has very little to do with this guy and very much to do with you

Aprilx · 06/12/2023 13:26

I don’t understand these games you are playing with either o these two other people. I can imagine it would be quite irritating for your friend, your behaviour that is, rather than anything to do with him, she has after all not met him.

clearspilt · 06/12/2023 15:02

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5128gap · 06/12/2023 15:55

Ploctopus · 06/12/2023 13:02

I think she is being ridiculously possessive over a man she’s never even met.

I think you meant well but probably jumped the gun by playing matchmaker. It clearly wasn’t malicious though, just misguided. I might be a little bit miffed at being involved if I was your friend but her reaction is totally unwarranted.

I very much doubt its about the man himself. Far more likely to be that the OP has revealed a side to herself that the friend doesnt much care for. Who on earth would try and fix a friend up with a man one day, and the next decide she wanted him herself? At best it suggests a level of immaturity and inconsistency that doesn't make for reliable friendship. At worst it suggests game playing to feed her ego. The friend is probably quite surprised at the turn of events, to say the least.

NonPlayerCharacter · 06/12/2023 16:00

It might even look to her as though you didn't want him until he seemed to want her.

clearspilt · 06/12/2023 16:00

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clearspilt · 06/12/2023 16:01

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NoDought · 07/12/2023 20:12

It all sounded like a disaster waiting to happen from the offset. Sorry to say you sound like you want things to go your way no matter who is hurt and she probably sees that which is why she is angry with you.

Nambypambypoo · 07/12/2023 20:42

@StayingUpSleepingIn Yes I once had a best friend exactly like that. Eventually got rid of her as it affected my self esteem quite a lot, as I imagine the friend will do with OP. I expect she has form for this sort of stuff and the friend has now had enough, so not an over reaction at all.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 07/12/2023 21:06

QueenofTerrasen · 06/12/2023 01:07

You really can't see what you did is hideous?
You decided you didn't want him, passed him off to your mate who was excited about it, then decided you did want him when she was interested. You went behind her back, then went and shoved your pick me bullshit in her face.
You don't even like the man, you said yourself you'll drop him. What you've done is use them both for an ego boost, and it's incredibly spiteful. I wouldn't want anything to do with you if I were her.

This, and bloody hell with I said I’m fickle and I always sabotage or run "dont fall in love with me baby...I'll only break your heart..?"😆😆

Shyam35 · 07/12/2023 21:39

I agree you do sound sly, I think this was an ego boost on your part and it’s backfired. You don’t sound very nice at all.

Shyam35 · 07/12/2023 21:40

I agree the op sounds exhausting.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/12/2023 21:58

Why did you start dating again if you've just come out of a short relationship and was hurt? What did you expect to happen if you knew you weren't ready?

jhy · 07/12/2023 22:02

Don't set up your dates with your friends

He obviously thought it was a way for you to make contact again and an excuse to see him
Understandable she is annoyed with you too. Giving her false hopes and playing games. Bad friend.

Calliopespa · 07/12/2023 22:13

NonPlayerCharacter · 06/12/2023 09:28

I expect her pride is very wounded, OP. It doesn't sound like she gets many chances to date and meet men, so here was an opportunity. Her friend set her up with a former beau of her own who she had rejected, he said he was interested, then it turns out he was only trying to get close to you again and now you've accepted so you two are an item again. And she's rejected for you before she even met him.

I don't think it's unsalvageable though. Sounds like you've both made mistakes of the heart...who hasn't.

If you do keep trying to make good and she's a real friend, I expect you can get past it.

This thread is getting quite nasty now. OP read back through posts like the above: you’ve made a mistake and can put it right. Ultimately the way you played it was unfair on your friend BUT it’s not as though she had a relationship with him she has lost. You can still try to put it right. I’d stop checking this thread now as you are getting a total character assassination despite having been receptive to the fact you may have made an error. Log off, apologise to friend, and move on.

AuntieShady · 07/12/2023 22:27

I’m always protective and loyal towards my friends, which is why I’m upset that I’ve hurt her.

This is the most insincere load of BS. A protective loyal friend doesn't ditch a guy, try to set their friend up with him instead, but then go meet the guy and text back "soz love, he still prefers me"

That's a user.

All your posts sound very self absorbed, it's all about you. I've known someone a lot like you. The selfish dramas were endless and so fucking tedious. And she always managed to be the victim, the one crying and saying "I didn't mean for this to happen" or "You're overreacting" or "I feel awful I've upset you like this" ....and then repeat it all over again a few weeks down the line.

Dropping that 'friend' was the best move I ever made.

OP, you sound exhausting and I think both people pulled into your drama-llama, attention seeking, ego-boosting fiasco would be better off without a girlfriend/friend like you. Especially as you describe them as lovely and perfect. Lively and perfect people don't deserve to be treated so poorly.

Merryoldgoat · 07/12/2023 22:33

If I were your friend I’d be pissed off by your unnecessary meddling.

Original poster
titsgigglesandshits · 07/12/2023 23:11

The character assassination doesn’t bother me because this post isn’t a reflection of my character just a snippet of an uncharacteristic, thoughtless action that I’ve acknowledged and want to make right.

We’ve all known a mean girl and fantasised about what we'd like to say, so at least I’ve given these ladies an opportunity to bent 😁

We all make mistakes, I've acknowledged it, I've apologised. I'm not going to beat myself up about it anymore🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
titsgigglesandshits · 07/12/2023 23:12

*vent

OP posts:
Gg93 · 07/12/2023 23:17

Obviously your friend is very hurt. You built up this man as the perfect person to her and she was excited/hopeful of a relationship. She feels used. Like the bait to get ye back chatting. I know it wasnt intentional on your part but you did know deep down when you went to meet him that it was about you and not her. He had no interest in her. Also I dont believe any person would want to be match made by an ex/previously date....feels a bit like a second best prize. You cant have me but heres my friend. To me that would feel icky. Her pervious txt giving your the go ahead was shock. To be honest I am proud of your friend for standing up for herself. She is mad at you and how you have treated/belittled her. I think she feels humiliated that a 'friend' would do this to her. Expecially that she know you will throw him away. She is upset with you and your treatment of her. I dont believe she will get over this or if she does you will always be at arms length because she can't trust you/ feels inferior. Also she maybe a bit jealous of you been free to meet people and can go on dates and prehaps she has a harder time. For what it is worth I do believe you that it was unintentional and that you did mean well but I do think you need to open your eyes to the hurt. Yes she never met the man but she was expecting you watchout for her.

Basicthings · 08/12/2023 00:18

She feels rejected and isn't taking it very well.

Give her a week to calm down and try again then.

Ukrainebaby23 · 08/12/2023 04:49

I think you should all give each space and find different friends, dates etc.
It will all blow over in time, but your friendships may never recover, scars never completely heal.

JaneAustensHeroine · 08/12/2023 07:48

OP, in the kindest way, I think you are playing a game: “I’m fickle, I might run, it’s me not you”.

You have choices. You can choose not to be fickle rather than use it as an excuse for your behaviour. You can choose to take risks with your own feelings rather than those of others.

Don’t hurt others because you don’t want to take risks with your own feelings.