Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a total over reaction

187 replies

titsgigglesandshits · 05/12/2023 19:55

I had three dates with a guy who was really lovely. Absolutely perfect and we got on really well, but after the 3rd date I knew he wanted to take it to the next level and I just wasn't ready so I finished it and said I liked him, he was perfect, but it was missing the chemistry. I had just come out of a short relationship and was quite upset about that, so I probably wasn't in the best place.

That was a few weeks ago and I have a lovely friend and she has younger children and although has her parents' support struggles juggling children, finances, work and time for herself. I would love to see someone sweep her off her feet and look after her, she's beautiful and kind.

I told her about the guy I'd briefly dated and asked if she wanted me to give him her number etc. She said yes so I got in touch and sent him her photos.

He said she was lovely and asked to meet me to find out more about her. I did expect him to just ask for her number, so when he asked to see me i wondered if it was a ploy to see me again. I told my friend and she said it sounded like he still liked me.

Anyway, I agreed to meet him and I was weirdly really looking forward to seeing him. He said he was disappointed that I'd ended it and I explained that I can be fickle and I wasn't ready for things to evolve or even if I wanted it to. He suggested that perhaps we just see each other as friends and if things evolved so be it. He said he's quite happy single, enjoys my company, so happy to go with the flow - no pressure. He said he liked I was independent job-wise and that our children were older. which isn't the case with my friend, but I wouldn't tell her this.

I spoke with my friend today, i was going to speak with her face to face, but she asked me over text and I explained what had happened. She's absolutely furious with me, she said I'm sly and underhand, i spend too much time on dating apps, jumping from one man to another, that I didn't need to meet him and if I were her friend I wouldn't have been so selfish. I'm really shocked by her reaction and feel really guilty as the last thing I wanted to do was upset her.

I feel guilty, because I probably will run from this relationship, and I didn't need to involve her to begin with, she didn't ask. I've apologised and agreed I was thinking about myself and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but she won't have any of it. She's fuming.
WWYD

OP posts:
Blink1880 · 06/12/2023 07:39

Well that friendship is down the drain if you stay with this man as you’ve now made it incredibly awkward for them to ever meet.

I imagine that for your friend, this isn’t just about this one instance. You said she’s finding it hard to juggle her children and finances, and she’s said you spend too much time on dating sites. Are you inadvertently pissing her off with your “wild date tales”.

LittleMonks11 · 06/12/2023 07:48

Her reaction makes me think this isn't the first time you've behaved badly towards her. It's good you retreating on your behaviour after this. I'm surprised you have grown up children as this is real high school stuff.

Mikimoto · 06/12/2023 07:48

I'm sorry, I thought 12-yr olds weren't allowed to post here?

Butterflywings18 · 06/12/2023 07:53

titsgigglesandshits · 05/12/2023 21:47

My initial intention did come from a good place. I didn’t expect him to ask to see me, that threw me and made me reflect. He is lovely. he’s emotionally available, he’s local, he’s not needy, he’s kind , he’s perfect and then I thought why do I not want perfect?

I was honest with him. I said I’m fickle and I always sabotage or run he said no pressure. Let’s see what happens He’s happy to go with the flow he’s very chilled.

It has made me reflect about dating apps and my ego though. There's truth in that but I genuinely didn’t expect her to be so upset.
She also said she bet I’d slept with him .. which I absolutely didn’t and was why I ran before as didn’t want to take it to the next level. I think that was quite spiteful and made me feel less sorry tbh.

I was selfish and I take that on board, but you’d think I’d killed her cat and shoved it through the letter box by her reaction. I don’t think what I did was that bad

I'll never understand women who talk about dating the perfect man but they either say or give the impression that they actually prefer a 'bad boy' so they 'dont take it any further' I say each to their own but give me a nice guy any day. The bad boys can do one.

salamirose · 06/12/2023 07:54

All this introspection and navel gazing. It's ridiculous. It's not a lesson to grow from. It's a shitty thing to do.

What would I do? Apologise and tell my friend I'd understand that what I did was incredibly shit and so she might not want anything to do with me.

CommonOrNot · 06/12/2023 07:56

I would agree you are sly.

soemptyinside · 06/12/2023 07:56

I think this was incredibly weird.

You go on a few dates with a guy, he wants to sleep with you, so you attempt to palm him off on your "beautiful and kind" single mother friend?

It seems cruel to this guy and your friend. He wanted to sleep with you, not a random woman you recommended. And she wanted to date someone who wanted her, not your cast off who had no interest in her.

You're not ready to date yet. And you're a bad friend.

You need to reflect on your actions so you can understand why you shouldn't have done that, and you need to apologise to your friend about how you've stepped on her feelings to make yourself feel better about yourself.

Finlesswonder · 06/12/2023 07:56

I think you're getting a rough ride OP.

Yes, it was a misguided and pretty self centred move.

You aren't the worst person in the world though.

balmysummerevening · 06/12/2023 07:59

Lostoldusername · 06/12/2023 07:27

Several things here:

It's weird to have tried to set them up

There was ZERO reason for you to meet up with him if you genuinely just wanted to set them up - 'here's her number, I'll leave you to get in touch' would have been suffice. You met up with him for your own benefit, no one else's.

You clearly wanted to see him again and get that ego boost of being able to say to your friend 'ah actually he's not interested in you but we are going to try again'

Very cruel and unnecessary.

I agree with this- you yourself OP admit you are "fickle" so this indicates to me that you dumped him then changed your mind and wanted some further validation from him for an ego boost. That is the very definition of FICKLE lol.

Why on earth did you say you'd meet him?- you know exactly why you did it, because you wanted him to still like you and feel superior over your friend. You might not be consciously aware of it but that's absolutely what you wanted subconsciously. I think you need to reflect on the way you treat people and be aware that not everything is about you and your wants. You are hurting people - think about that.

billy1966 · 06/12/2023 08:11

I think you are getting a very hard time.

Your friend read his wish to meet you correctly, that he was still keen on you, and she wished not to be involved.

Him not being interested in someone with very young children is also key.

Your friend is probably stressed and overloaded with her responsibilities and has completely over reacted.

Give her plenty of space to calm down.

Refection is good.

Thegoodbadandugly · 06/12/2023 08:18

BornIn78 · 05/12/2023 20:10

You've used your friend to reel him back in, whether that was your intention or not, that's how it comes across. You went along to meet him unnecessarily, knowing it was all about him seeing you again because he still liked you, under the pretence that you were doing it for your friend.

It all sounds a bit sly and 'ego boosty' on your side.

I agree with this and that's probably why ops friend is upset.

SurelySmartie · 06/12/2023 08:22

I would avoid you as I don’t need this immature drama in my friendships.

DirtyDuchess · 06/12/2023 08:22

So much overreaction to this. I think it's fine OP and your friend is completely overreacting.

I can see your good intention, she could see that he was still interested in you!

She'll be an idiot to lose your friendship over this. Hopefullly she'll calm down and you'll be able to laugh about it in future.

Theblacksheepandme · 06/12/2023 08:24

balmysummerevening · 06/12/2023 07:59

I agree with this- you yourself OP admit you are "fickle" so this indicates to me that you dumped him then changed your mind and wanted some further validation from him for an ego boost. That is the very definition of FICKLE lol.

Why on earth did you say you'd meet him?- you know exactly why you did it, because you wanted him to still like you and feel superior over your friend. You might not be consciously aware of it but that's absolutely what you wanted subconsciously. I think you need to reflect on the way you treat people and be aware that not everything is about you and your wants. You are hurting people - think about that.

Show quote history

I completely agree with this. You need to grow up OP. Now you want to tell your friend that he wasn't interested in her because she is not in the right stage in life. How the fuck in your mind is that going to make her feel better? You are not a good friend and she is better off with you out of her life.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 06/12/2023 08:27

You’re both being weird. You basically offered to set her up with some guy you bigged up to her and as soon as he said he wanted to see you again, you rushed in there,and are now declaring him special.

bloody weird. She’s no right to be furious though, but she is right it’s a bit shitty to promise to set her up with someone you yourself are interested in and feel is special.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 06/12/2023 08:28

Theblacksheepandme · 06/12/2023 08:24

I completely agree with this. You need to grow up OP. Now you want to tell your friend that he wasn't interested in her because she is not in the right stage in life. How the fuck in your mind is that going to make her feel better? You are not a good friend and she is better off with you out of her life.

Show quote history

I also agree, and wanting to tell her he’s not interested as she’s young kids is horrible. It does feel like the op wants to feel superior to her friend.

startledbypostmodernity · 06/12/2023 08:36

Ha, my sister did that to me once: tried to set me up with one of her friends then eventually admitted to herself that she liked him. I thought it was quite funny.

Your friend has massively over reacted, but I also think you could have been a bit more self aware and honest, both with yourself and with him. You told him you were calling things off because there was no chemistry, but there blatantly was chemistry and he knew it so you probably left him feeling confused. Why didn't you just tell him you didn't want to take things any further because you've realised you don't want to date right now? And there was no reason for him to meet you to find out more about your friend; that's ridiculous! He could have just added her on social media and chatted to her. There was no reason for you to be involved anymore at that stage. If you are really honest with yourself, were you enjoying the attention and drama? Maybe that's why your friend is annoyed.

Hmindr68 · 06/12/2023 08:36

Your friends is batshit.

He's a person. You can’t have “dibs” on a person.

But you do sound a bit immature. As soon as someone says they “run” from relationships my internal eye roll is so deep I get nauseous.

Theblacksheepandme · 06/12/2023 08:38

The most important thing to also remember OP, your friend is definitely not upset about the guy. Your friend is upset about your sneaky despicable behaviour and playing games with her vulnerability. It is probably really hard for her at the moment being a single Mum and she thought she had a friend on her side. You just shit all over her feelings. I hope she has other genuine good friends that will be on her side and have her back.

Butchyrestingface · 06/12/2023 08:43

I really think you should stop over involving yourself in your friend’s life and that of some rando bloke you went on 3 dates with.

SoySaucePls · 06/12/2023 08:46

If you can’t understand why she’s upset you need to “grow” a whole lot more.

Additionally learn to tell white lies to save your friend the brutal truth of your personal failings.

You couldn’t make your mind up about a guy and without being mature enough to know what you want you plunged straight in and built up her hopes for romance and connection with your cast off.

It’s a very very immature and creepy thing to do.

I really wouldn’t want to spend much time again with you, if you’d done that to me. It’s all about you.

travelallthetime · 06/12/2023 08:52

Your friend sounds crazy but you sound like a dick, a 15 year old dick at that, grow up

Theblacksheepandme · 06/12/2023 08:56

travelallthetime · 06/12/2023 08:52

Your friend sounds crazy but you sound like a dick, a 15 year old dick at that, grow up

Out of interest, why do you think the friend sounds crazy? Some people are saying this and I'm wondering what you think is crazy about OP's friend?

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 06/12/2023 08:58

As soon as your friend said she liked the look of him it made you start to see him in a different light so you thought you’d give it another go. I get that. That’s how things go sometimes. Your friend sounds a tad unhinged and probs a bit jealous

Whatishedoing · 06/12/2023 08:59

Are you neurodiverse @titsgigglesandshits ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread