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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bridezilla best friend

448 replies

Poshpaddington · 05/12/2023 13:36

My best friend of 25 years is getting married in the new year. She’s always been “protective” of me, constantly texting & checking up on me, turning up at my door if I haven’t replied so she knows I’m ok etc. (drives me mad but it’s her).
Throughout this wedding planning she’s got worse and been quite mean towards me. My DP & MIL think she’s being controlling.
She asked my dress size, then disagreed that I was that size saying “you aren’t that small, absolutely not” then ordered my dress 2 sizes too bigger. I tried it on last night and it’s hanging off my shoulders, so I look like I’m a child playing dress up in my mums clothes 😂 she refuses to get it altered and won’t allow me to take it to get it done (she’s kept the dress with her).
Shes told me my hair is too short so expects me to buy extensions for her wedding - I have shoulder length hair.
She got mad at me as I didn’t buy the £200 shoes she’s wants me to wear but instead o found similar & in the exact same colour, just cheaper.
She made me pay £400 for my room at the venue as she wants me to stay the night before & wedding night. The venue is a 3 hour drive away.
she just text me saying that her fiancé will now be sleeping in my paid for room the night before & I need to sleep in her bed with her & her baby (wtf!?) and won’t pay for the sheets to be cleaned & changed as she doesn’t see an issue with it.
my DP of 10 years has only been invited to the evening part as she doesn’t want me distracted throughout the daytime (wtf!).
all the other bridesmaids have their partners attending the whole day, as I found out at the hen weekend.
she’s just told me she has a sash for me to wear at the wedding that says “no alcohol” so that the bar tenders only serve me soft drinks as she doesn’t want me to drink, at all, so I can help her all day.
i have allergies to food, which she knows about, but decided not to include that when booking the wedding food and just told me to “leave it on my plate” but I won’t physically be able to eat anything that has touched the food due to cross-contamination or I’ll be covered in hives 😣 & possible using my Epi pen.
The hen weekend was horrible - they all snubbed me the whole time. Nobody engaged in a conversation with me and every time I sat near any of them they moved away - my best friend told me it’s “because you aren’t a mum or married yet so it’s hard to relate to you” 🤔

would I be unfair to just leave this friendship after the wedding is over?

my MIL & DP don’t want me to even go to the wedding but I can’t let her down. It’s not fair. I really don’t want to go under all these circumstances but we do have a long friendship that I am honouring.

OP posts:
BigDahliaFan · 06/12/2023 10:42

I hope you get your money back on the room. But even if you don't it's probably a small price to pay in the context of being free of this ridiculous friend.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/12/2023 10:43

LadyBevvy · 06/12/2023 09:57

I'm sorry but you had me at "constantly texting & checking up on me, turning up at my door if I haven’t replied so she knows I’m ok etc."

That's not caring; that's stalking. Hella controlling and not OK.

And then I got to the bit about the No Alcohol sash. Is this for real? Are you doing satire??

This woman is NOT your friend, she is your abuser. She doesn't see you as a fully realised human being, but as a pawn she can move about at will. Please:

  1. Drop out the wedding
  2. Drop out the friendship
  3. Use the time and money saved to see a GOOD psychotherapist specialising in codependency to help you recognise and move past your tendency to get stuck in an abusive friendship

See the update.

autienotnaughty · 06/12/2023 10:49

On the plus side hopefully you can return the dress.

Excited101 · 06/12/2023 10:50

Wow! Well done op!!!

LaurieStrode · 06/12/2023 10:56

Good riddance to that burden!

Suddenlychrimbo · 06/12/2023 11:03

Having done it myself, it's quite exciting building a new friendship group by starting a new job, starting a new hobby or moving to a new area.

You can look forward to great times ahead of you...longevity of knowing a person is no indicator of deep and valuable a friendship is. People change, and often not for the better.

Newestname002 · 06/12/2023 11:06

@Poshpaddington

I realise this may very well be similar to a long-previous thread where posters kept saying "cancel the cheque" but do, please, cancel the hotel room booking. Make sure you get a cancellation reference so there's no "confusion" later from the hotel, your ex-friend or anyone else that your accommodation has been cancelled and you will, therefore, have no financial obligation to the hotel or anyone else. Get that cancellation reference by text or email if at all possible: £400 is a huge amount not to get back.

If, for whatever reason, the hotel's terms and conditions don't allow for a cancellation even at this stage, then see if you can move it to another date (as another poster suggested) so that you and your partner have something nice to look forward to as a treat on a date for the two of you. Certainly put a spoke in the wheel of the groom or anyone else making use of a room that you've paid for.

What she does about anything else, including the bridesmaids dress (which I hope wasn't funded by you) is her business. If you did pay for it, try and sell it on eBay or Vinted or give it to a charity shop.

Then wash your hands of her and her rude cronies and never allow yourself to be so steamrollered again. Life is too precious to let people, however long you've known them, take advantage of you. 🌹

MumHereAgain2023 · 06/12/2023 11:20

Brilliant result OP. You will find your crew

Throwawayme · 06/12/2023 11:48

Great news OP. It took courage to stand up to her and you've absolutely did the right thing here.

Pipsquiggle · 06/12/2023 11:59

Well done OP.

I think if anyone questions you, and they probably will as bridezilla will be slagging you off, show them the list of reasons you wrote to bridezilla - everything,
the bridesmaid dress,
the shoes,
the £400 room that you paid for and wasn't going to sleep in
the food allergy,
the sash with no alcohol
your DP not being invited ...............................show them everything.

You have done well to step away from this nonsense

Noshowlomo · 06/12/2023 12:28

Well done. Bloody brilliant. She’s a knob!!

FarmGirl78 · 06/12/2023 14:00

The dress being the wrong size, made to book a hotel for the night either side and then not getting your intended use out of it, your OH not being invited to the wedding, the daft shoes, is EXACTLY what happened to me in your exact shoes about 15 years ago. I spoke up about the dress before the wedding and offered to pay for, and arrange myself (to take the pressure off her) but got shot down. She even phoned the hotel to change my (booked and paid for with my own money) double bed room to a single, because she didn't think I should have a double bed.

She was my best friend for years and I felt really bullied and sad over how she was treating me. Same as you I also didn't want to let her down and hoped we could salvage some sort of relationship after the bridezilla months had passed.

I now bitterly bitterly regret not dropping out of the whole thing. I'm angry at myself I didn't stand up for myself and say "Hang on, this is taking the piss". It would have caused fall out, but I really do regret not dropping out. It shattered my self esteem and our friendship never recovered anyway. I still miss our previous friendship dreadfully. Please please stand up for yourself. If you don't think she would respond well to a frank conversation about how she's treating you then please drop out. Future you will be proud of you for not accepting treatment like that.

And her treatment of you with your food order and the bloody "don't serve me alcohol" sash is humiliation way beyond the miserable treatment I had to put up with it.

PLEASE BACK OUT. I speak from bitter experience.

FarmGirl78 · 06/12/2023 14:02

I'm behind reading, but just saw your update and I'm so so proud of you. 😃

LylaLee · 06/12/2023 14:30

@FarmGirl78

I hope you're not still in contact. If you are, reread this thread applying it to yourself.

JustAboutHangingInThere · 06/12/2023 15:02

Impressive OP 👏well done. Onto the next chapter x

Anyoneseenderek · 06/12/2023 15:28

Well done OP. I am proud of you. Stay away from this toxic woman. Ignore any nonsense from her and the bridesmaids. You don't need her in your life and surround yourself with friends who appreciate you.
The same happened to me a very long time ago and we were friends for over 25 years. I stepped away and told her why. It was liberating and all these years later, i don't miss her at all.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 06/12/2023 16:56

Well done OP that’s a fantastic update!

  • Stay strong!
  • If any of the hens give you grief, I recommend replying with a link to this thread as an explanation!
  • Get the hotel room cancelled (usually refundable until 24/48h before) or moved to a different date for your own use
  • If the bride paid for your horrible dress, consider posting it back so she can’t try to ‘charge’ you for it
  • You did a great thing standing up for yourself!
LylaLee · 06/12/2023 17:04

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 06/12/2023 16:56

Well done OP that’s a fantastic update!

  • Stay strong!
  • If any of the hens give you grief, I recommend replying with a link to this thread as an explanation!
  • Get the hotel room cancelled (usually refundable until 24/48h before) or moved to a different date for your own use
  • If the bride paid for your horrible dress, consider posting it back so she can’t try to ‘charge’ you for it
  • You did a great thing standing up for yourself!

Don't post it. She will say it never arrived. Send it via DH or MIL to her house (into her or her fiancé's hands) or to one of the bridesmaids.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/12/2023 17:43

That is a fantastic update there @Poshpaddington !

In relation to this bit of your update "the ring doorbell camera recorded her - left a bag by the door with the dress, pjs & a note that said I’d just ruined her wedding.
I also received multiple texts giving me abuse from here and some of the bridesmaids"
If you still have access to the group chat or whatever, and if you felt up to it (just to stem the flow of vitriol that is coming from their side) I'd send one final message to everyone as you're as entitled to getting your side of the story out there as they are of bad mouthing you to anyone and everyone. The messasge would be saying that you're very disappointed at how things turned out, that you do not feel responsible for her claims that you've 'ruined her wedding', as you feel she has managed that all by herself. You don't take kindly to receiving messages of abuse, which further adds weight to your side of the argument that things were not going along as smoothly as anticipated. That you're very sad that a friendship of 25+ years could be thrown away so quickly by her once you stood up for yourself, it is clear that it was one sided (yours, you did all the giving and she was only too happy to take). Her total lack of understanding about food allergies (not intolerance) was shocking as she wasn't going to provide a suitable meal for you on the day. The wearing of the sash would have made you feel like The Scarlet Letter and was completely unfair to you but you understand that as the bride it is her prerogative to have who she wants in her bridal party and you wish her well for her wedding day and all that married life has in store for her.

THEN, I would block the whole stinking lot of them and let them at each other!

LookItsMeAgain · 06/12/2023 17:45

Raindancer411 · 05/12/2023 23:43

The only thing you have "ruined" for her, is her soon to be husband now has no room the night before 😂

Very true!

Bookworm1111 · 06/12/2023 17:48

I owe you an apology @Poshpaddington – I was one of the posters who was certain you were a troll making this up, especially about the sash! Bloody hell, what a cow she is. Well done for taking a stand and finally realising how badly she's treated you. You haven't ruined her wedding - she's done that herself.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 06/12/2023 17:57

So . . . is she now going to try to get one of the other bridesmaids to do everything she was bullying you into doing?

Wish we had a fly on the wall.

DinoDays · 06/12/2023 18:01

@FarmGirl78 good grief! Did you keep in touch with her after the wedding or dump her. Or even worse - keep seeing her?

JoyeuxNarwhal · 06/12/2023 18:26

@Poshpaddington I think that's one of the best updates I've seen on Mumsnet! Bloody well done you. Please continue to stick up for yourself!

And I'm wondering, is this her second marriage? Any chance she's actually @FarmGirl78's (hopefully very much ex) friend?! Shock

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/12/2023 18:29

LookItsMeAgain · 06/12/2023 17:43

That is a fantastic update there @Poshpaddington !

In relation to this bit of your update "the ring doorbell camera recorded her - left a bag by the door with the dress, pjs & a note that said I’d just ruined her wedding.
I also received multiple texts giving me abuse from here and some of the bridesmaids"
If you still have access to the group chat or whatever, and if you felt up to it (just to stem the flow of vitriol that is coming from their side) I'd send one final message to everyone as you're as entitled to getting your side of the story out there as they are of bad mouthing you to anyone and everyone. The messasge would be saying that you're very disappointed at how things turned out, that you do not feel responsible for her claims that you've 'ruined her wedding', as you feel she has managed that all by herself. You don't take kindly to receiving messages of abuse, which further adds weight to your side of the argument that things were not going along as smoothly as anticipated. That you're very sad that a friendship of 25+ years could be thrown away so quickly by her once you stood up for yourself, it is clear that it was one sided (yours, you did all the giving and she was only too happy to take). Her total lack of understanding about food allergies (not intolerance) was shocking as she wasn't going to provide a suitable meal for you on the day. The wearing of the sash would have made you feel like The Scarlet Letter and was completely unfair to you but you understand that as the bride it is her prerogative to have who she wants in her bridal party and you wish her well for her wedding day and all that married life has in store for her.

THEN, I would block the whole stinking lot of them and let them at each other!

I would so do this!!