Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

[Superaline991]

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

As the (now adult) child of divorce…tough titties. It doesn’t matter how pleasant the divorce supposedly was it sucks for kids to be passed back and forth between parents, especially when they live in different countries.

Sorry but no, he isn’t likely to feel the same about you guys as he does about his Mum who raised him. No matter that his Dad oh so graciously visited him during the holidays growing up.

It is the weirdest thing to grow up with a man who you know is your Dad, and you are supposed to feel a certain way about him, but he’s also some guy you see a handful of times a year. Sorry if that’s hurtful to hear but it’s just the truth for a lot of kids.

& before anyone chimes in, no I’m not saying couples should stay together and be miserable and have kids growing up in an environment of constant shouting and arguments. But you do have to accept that having parents living in different countries and half siblings in different countries does have an effect on family dynamics.

Thank you thank you thank you!

Adult child of divorced parents here and your comment made me feel seen!

I'm a child of divorced parents too and mum did not win. I cared intensely for my dad, even though I didn't see him that much.

To this day, my stress dreams involve missing out on seeing my dad because I have to be in places with the rest of my extended family. And he's been dead 25 years...

You frame this as if you are not getting value for money for your £400 because he won’t come on your terms. He wants to come. But he has other commitments - mum’s family and his friends, that’s completely understandable. Don’t make this about your resentment for all the Christmases you haven’t spent together in the past, that’s not his fault as a child, enjoy the time you have together this Christmas and look forward

I agree with this.

Of course he wants to have the Christmas he’s always had, esp now he’s away in term time.

I think the more hurtful thing would be to say “it’s not worth it” to have him for a shorter number of days tbh

It was last Christmas. Whatever happened has happened. Not sure how or why someone found this and responded to it.

At 19 so many things are changing and the Christmas he knows is in the UK, all his magic and childhood memories. Don't feel hurt he doesn't want to give that up yet, also his new adult life. Obviously not your fault but you live in a different country , it's not as easy as popping in the car down the M5, if it was you may have seen him more but he just has to be more organised and clump his time with you. I'd be happy he was coming for that long and snap it up while he's still willing x

This is a zombie thread though the OP may well have the same problem this year.

Zombie thread. Over a year old