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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

209 replies

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:36

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 05/12/2023 09:05

If money is the focus, think how much money you’ve “saved” over the course of his life by him not living with you.

Ittastesvile · 05/12/2023 09:05

My teenage stepsons have never wanted to spend Christmas with us either and we live close. We have a tradition of seeing them on boxing day instead and it's nice.

Incidentally, I used to fly to a destination in Europe for £60 return. It's now £180 return. No change in dates.

willingtolearn · 05/12/2023 09:06

It really is all about you isn't it.

You're 'hurt' that an adult who has never spent Christmas with you won't fall in line and do exactly what you want when you want and how you want.

Why do you want him there? In your post it appears to be because your children want him to be there or you have some ideal of a 'family Christmas' with everyone together.

That is not how your family is. It's certainly not how his family is - the reality of his family is split parents and split loyalties, being pulled in different directions.

He is offering to come and see you when he can - be grateful for that and facilitate it if at all possible.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 05/12/2023 09:06

If Spanish don't celebrate Christmas like we do why is it so important to see this extended family?
And if Grandad is dying surely that makes it more important that his grandson visits him on Boxing Day or whenever you do.
I think it would be very hurtful to not accept this young man's kind offer of four days and maybe not bode well for future relationships.

RudsyFarmer · 05/12/2023 09:07

You’re being silly. He is a grown man who wants to be with his friends and primary family. Most people feel the same at Christmas. Stop making it about you and leave him alone.

WandaWonder · 05/12/2023 09:08

So you have decided what he should feel, that is not fair on him

LanaL · 05/12/2023 09:12

YABU to expect him to leave the county he lives in, his family and friends for the main part of the Christmas period to go to a country where it’s just you his dad and siblings , when it’s clear he doesn’t want to. I don’t think you are doing it with any malice and I do feel for you , it’s lovely that you care for him enough as a stepmother to be sad about his absence and I would love my children to have a stepmother with that love and care for them , but he’s at uni , is he living away from home ? This means he doesn’t see his mom and friends from where he lives as much as he used to so this time is probably precious . He’s used to being away from you all so it’s probably easier to be away but he may not be used to that with his mum . I would understand more if you lived where he did but this is another country . Back home he probably has extended family , friends that he will go to the pub with Xmas eve etc , yet with you it sounds like it’s just you and dad. Yes it will be lovely to see his siblings but let’s face it once they have opened presents they will be focused on their toys probably?

It’s a shame , but with seperated parents usually the child is closer to one parent. My youngest loves me to bits but at his dads he Is an only child and spoilt rotten ( in a lovely way ) so he prefers his dads Xmas celebrations, whereas my eldest loves his dad to bits but definitely is closer to me and prefers being here . It’s nothing against either parent!

Don’t pressure your DSS , it’s his Christmas too , instead make the time you have with him magical . Maybe hold a few of your children’s presents back and give them a second Christmas Day when he is there , that is something they can look forward to x

Potentialmadcatlady · 05/12/2023 09:14

He is a grown man who can make his own choices.
For years my two ‘had’ to spend Christmas Day with their father because ‘it’s just easier Mum because he will kick off if we don’t’
Once they reached driving age that was totally knocked on the head. They literally drove over and spent an hour with him. This year they aren’t spending any of Christmas or NY with him ( it involves flying now)
I let them chose and treated them like the adults they are with minds and choices of their own. He didn’t. And they have chosen me.
It’s his choice and not yours.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/12/2023 09:19

Don't guilt him. 4 days is probably loads to him at 19.

He's being stretched between all these people.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/12/2023 09:19

Los Reyes?

Zwicky · 05/12/2023 09:22

we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother)

It’s pretty normal for a 19yo who has spent every Christmas of his life with his mum, even if they have a dad who has made a real effort to stay in touch, to still spend Christmas at “home”, or even at home, with their mum. It’s batshit to say the mother, who has actually brought him up and still provides his “home” is some sort of dictator. You expect him to love his mum less than your dc love you, or your dh loves his dad. It’s a busy time, he will have friends, his mums family, studying (normal to have assignments due and exams in January) and presumably has some sort of work too. It’s not his fault that his dad lives in Spain, it’s not his fault his grandfather lives so far from his dad, it’s not his fault that his dad and stepmum think it’s not worth visiting for 4 days, it’s not his fault that last minute flights in Christmas week are expensive. Maybe when he gets a break in between semesters it would be a good opportunity for a holiday and visit with his grandad if it’s not worth coming for 4 days. You are prioritising other family members and but are snippy when he gives you dates he is available.

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 09:27

Can he get flights that arrive near his DGF ? May be cheaper and cuts out a lot of the driving.

shearwater2 · 05/12/2023 09:27

It's nice that he wants to come for four days just after Christmas, I would encourage that.

Bookworm1111 · 05/12/2023 09:28

Maybe he doesn't want to come at all across the festive period and that's why he's being non-committal about confirming dates. He's back from uni and probably wants to catch up with his old school friends while enjoying his usual Christmas with his mum and her family. That's no reflection on your DH and the rest of you, it's because he's 19 and probably doesn't want the faff of flying to Spain on Boxing Day and then having a four-hour car drive into the countryside only to do the return journey a couple of days later. I would basically give him an out and say that you'd love to see him over Christmas but it's okay if he wants to come at another time instead.

Anisette · 05/12/2023 09:32

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

Rearrange the visit to the extended family for early January?

Guesswho88 · 05/12/2023 09:35

Ridiculous.

ActDottie · 05/12/2023 09:40

As you said yourself he’s free to do what he wants for Christmas so let him. Pay for the flights for 26-30 and enjoy the time with him.

Given you’re in a different country to where he grew up and him always having Christmas at home I’m not surprised that’s where he’s rather be.

Theunamedcat · 05/12/2023 09:44

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it

Maybe next year

sunglassesonthetable · 05/12/2023 09:48

Given you’re in a different country to where he grew up and him always having Christmas at home I’m not surprised that’s where he’s rather be.

I agree. I wouldn't read too much into it.

emmypa · 05/12/2023 09:50

YABU. Pay for his flights and rearrange the visits with DH's other relatives.

Baftler · 05/12/2023 09:51

If he is at uni does he not have a long Christmas break? Ds has 4 weeks, we are picking him up this weekend. You can check his term dates online. Could he come either before Christmas or after New Year so he can spend longer with you all?

His Christmas tradition has always been to spend it with her maternal side of the family so I can see why he is gravitating towards that. It is sad for his Dad and you and his siblings. But understand he is probably being pulled in that direction from his Mum. Her tradition is to spend it with her son. Very difficult.

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 09:55

If you can't afford £400 then you simply say so and say next year you'll need to get something booked a bit sooner.

You can't say oh we would pay £400 but only if you stay for longer and on Christmas Day, that's appalling .

Poor lad no wonder he's vacillating about it now. He thought he had found a solution to appease everyone and allow him to spend NYE with his pals, but instead his DF seems to expect him to spend the whole holiday with him or he won't pay for his flights.

Next year I imagine he won't be visiting at all.

IHeartBiscuits · 05/12/2023 09:55

I'd accept what he can do with good grace personally. You are still getting to see him over the Christmas period. Personally, when I was 20/21 and at uni, I couldn't wait to get the family Christmas over with to go and stay with my boyfriend (fortunately I got on very well with BF family) and see friends from that area from 27th until Jan 4th. At that age it's all about friends mainly and also familiarity. He might just really, really like Christmas at his mum's, it's what he's always known.

Beautiful3 · 05/12/2023 10:01

He does love you all, but he is a young man now. He wants to hang with mates and see women. I'd leave him to it. He can always facetime you guys, when the kids are opening presents on Christmas day. He probably won't want to come for 4 days. When he's a bit older and has a girlfriend, he'll be more inclined to visit. Hopefully it will be in advance, so booking won't be an issue.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/12/2023 10:03

Tbh I think you're seeing it through the eyes of having "young children". It is really NOT the same.

Don't be hurt.

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