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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

209 replies

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:36

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

OP posts:
RedGreenYellowSchmellow · 05/12/2023 10:12

It is very normal in divorced families. 26th is still xmas? My step brother who was in this same situation would come 27-30 to us after spending 25th with his mum. I think rather than complaining and making it into an issue, you should actually have a care for him, appreciate him having to travel around between two families to make everyone happy...

Original poster
Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 10:13

jolies1 · 04/12/2023 14:22

Totally agree with other posters why not suggest he comes after NY if flights are better and make a new tradition for your kids and your SS? It sounds like you have a lot of valid reasons why the dates SS has given don’t work for you but aren’t willing to consider he also has his own valid reasons for wanting to come then?

Because he has exams after new years and need to revise, he’s very studious. He said after new years won’t work as he will literally sit in his room 6 hours a day.

no I did not invent the inconvenience. Seems a lot of posters just want to be nasty for the sake of it

OP posts:
123sunshine · 05/12/2023 10:17

My stepson hasn't spent Christmas day with his dad in 12 years. He's always had a tradition where he comes on Boxing day. When I met my husband and my children began alternating Christmas day with their dad, it wasn't always convinent for the adults involved and with Stepson so fixated on the day he visited, but we made it work so the kids were happy. Though one year we did mix it up and escaped for a week by ourselves on holiday and did Christmas early. Teenagers do like traditions of Christmas i.e. in your case always spending Christmas day with his mum, plus there will be an obligation in their too. Which is maybe how he feels about comming to you in the period between Christmas and New year. A lesson for next year is to make those decisons a lot earlier when the flights will be cheaper. Also he may not want to travel around to see extended family in Spain. Everyone has their own agenda and options in the dynamic. When I was 19, I was out Xmas eve with friends, and out again boxing day night with friends, the bit in the middle with family, really wasn't a priority!
This year my ex is overseas for the xmas duration, my daughter isn't going at all as she has a part time job over xmas and wants to keep job and earn money and my son who is back from uni is going after xmas to the new year (as he wants to spend some time with dad but alos I suspect as he's broke and hasn't got the money to go partying this year!) You have to let them do their own thing at that age. Any pressure creates tensions and then the tenagers just ruin everything sulking!

BrimfulOfMash · 05/12/2023 10:23

It’s not his fault that the flights are expensive, you and DH have chosen those days to go to the country or that he has young siblings that mean his trip can’t be afforded.

Go to the country over Christmas and stay in town for his visit?

I can see it is sad for you and DH that he prefers to stay in the UK for Christmas and NY, but he has hard choices to make, and limited time before going back to Uni.

Maybe your DH should have set up an ‘alternate Christmas’ arrangement from when he was small. Or moved to the UK.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/12/2023 10:23

I don't think there is anything personal in his decisions. I noticed with my adult..single kids they want Christmas to be the same every year. They just want to be home and everything to be exactly as usual. It's like a comfort thing for them. Also one of my ds flies in from abroad for Christmas. We will be lucky to see
him for 2 days as he is catching up with friends from college..popping here and there to parties .
Forget about Christmas and don't bother building it up to a big lathing. When his exams are over fly him over for a long weekend and enjoy seeing him. That age hate to be under pressure. Just let him be.

andyourpointiswhat · 05/12/2023 10:26

Christmas tradition for this young man is to spend it with his mum, not sure why you think he is suddenly going to want to change this because you want him to. He is offering to come on Boxing Day so he is clearly happy to spend time with you and his dad but it is absolutely not unreasonable of him not to change his traditions to suit you.

Badlylitdescent · 05/12/2023 10:28

Beautiful3 · 05/12/2023 10:01

He does love you all, but he is a young man now. He wants to hang with mates and see women. I'd leave him to it. He can always facetime you guys, when the kids are opening presents on Christmas day. He probably won't want to come for 4 days. When he's a bit older and has a girlfriend, he'll be more inclined to visit. Hopefully it will be in advance, so booking won't be an issue.

^^ Exactly this!

Do not take this personally or “be hurt”. This isn’t about you! I don’t have experience of step children but I do have teens! This is a perfectly natural and normal reaction at his age!

Instead be happy that his mother and father annd you have instilled enough confidence in him that he wants to flex his wings a bit this year. He has to break away during this teenage years to become a man, at which point he will come back to you and your dh. Don’t hinder that process and be suffocating or take things personally, or he will stay away!

CottonC · 05/12/2023 10:34

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:48

So basically your not willing to prioritise him yet your expecting him to prioritise you.

@Superaline991 remember it's not his fault his parents split up. The reason why you're all in this situation in the first place is because your DH and his ex decided to break up his family. Kids are always the ones who suffer the most and continue to do so in adulthood (this is why all this 'LTB' nonesense on this forum for every single marital problem is so selfish because it doesnt adequately consider the permanent impact on the kids). While other kids with intact families can enjoy drama free proper family Christmas with both parents around in peace , he's been forced to navigate fractured relationships and inter country travel which is no fault of his own and must be stressful for him, at a time he should be relaxing.

Give him a break and let him celebrate Christmas where he wants. Also it's understandable he doesn't want to spend Christmas with a bunch of younger children who aren't his full siblings since he won't have anything in common with them as he's now in a different stage in life. I understand you want them to be close but at the end of the day, they're part of you and DH's "new" family so it's not the same as having full siblings with the same parents.

Workworkandmoreworknow · 05/12/2023 10:45

It's his home as far as he's concerned not his 'home'. Wow.

I am not sure why you expect a 19 year old to favour spending time with family for the whole of the festive period? He's happy to visit, just not on your terms.

Bookworm1111 · 05/12/2023 10:46

Superaline991 Does he have to come at Christmas? If he's got exams in Jan and only a small window to visit that fits in with your plans, isn't it better to sack it off this year and just FT and for him to come for longer when it's cheaper?

Bookworm1111 · 05/12/2023 10:49

Also, @Superaline991, have you and your DH never in the 12 odd years made the effort to spend Christmas in the UK to make it easier for him? Has it always been that he's flown to you in the festive break? Maybe he's just fed up of doing that.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/12/2023 10:53

Maybe Easter would work better with everyone's year?

It's always so hard to fit in everyone and everything into these slots and young adults have their own agendas all of a sudden and understandably. Factor into that 2 families and a different country. 🤷‍♀️

It's pointless being hurt. Focus on what you can make happen.

You could book Easter now and get better flight prices.

He'll have finished Uni in the blink of an eye and you won't be able to get rid of him.

SpareHeirOverThere · 05/12/2023 10:55

He's an adult now with lots of commitments, just like you. He sounds not sure that he can make it immediately after Christmas, and you need to prioritise Grandpa.

So rather than insist on a visit at Christmas - which does not seem to work for any of you -arrange it for another time of the year. At his Easter break, perhaps, or the start of summer, or a long weekend anytime he can fit it in. You won't need to rush off to relatives and he can spend time with his Dad.

MeMySonAnd1 · 05/12/2023 10:59

Erm… don’t take it personally, he is an adult now, with his own life and plans, Christmas is just a date, you can enjoy time together at any other time.

Don’t either think he values your family less than his mum’s family. I raised my son alone and have the same problem, he fits me in between his friends, work and any random friend he made over the holidays.

Having this with DS has also remind me of my experience with my own parents, I live hours away from my family and, I have lots of very good friends I love to catch up with when I visit and my mother always get resentful that I don’t want to spend all the time so I am trying not to be like my mum.

And also, if your DSS has been living abroad all the time, he won’t have the same strong link with his grandparents as if he would have if he had been seeing them twice a week for dinner. All my son’s grandparents get resentful from time to time for what they think is lack of interest from DS but, at the end of the day, he hardly knows them, they do not have much history together. We even have a granny demanding weekly letters and immediate response to her emails. My son doesn’t even check his emails, he doesn’t know where his phone is a lot of the time and even if he did, he wouldn’t be pushed to provide such intense level of contact.

similarminimer · 05/12/2023 11:00

If you can afford him to come for 6 days, by definitiin you can afford him to comw foe 4 days doe the same cost.

You're just saying that you are prepared to pay £2.78 per hour for his company but cant stretch to £4.16. So he knows his worth...

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2023 11:02

Sounds like it’s all too much effort for you. Do you actually want to see him?

EmmaEmerald · 05/12/2023 11:03

OP interesting you didn't mention grandpa's illness in your first post!

Is the 19 year old close to his grandfather?

You also say this "But it seems the dates he offers are not confirmed, so he may not even want to come for four days. He said he’ll confirm later. Besides DH and I still need to discuss about finances."

Have you told him about the finances and practicalities? This may impact on everyone's choices.

It might be better to just see him another time.

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2023 11:15

£400 isn't that much, not if you really wanted to see him (which you obviously don't really, even though you expect him to travel all the way to Spain to see you on your schedule). He's spending time with his mum on Xmas Day, then you for Boxing Day, then his mates for New Year's - this is entirely normal so stop feeling performatively 'hurt' by it. I grew up as part of a blended family and this sort of step-parent microaggression is annoying AF. He's spending time with you over Christmas, enjoy it instead of whinging that it doesn't fit in with the exact schedule you wanted.

GreatGateauxsby · 05/12/2023 11:19

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:38

Pay for the flights and enjoy the time with him. Don’t guilt him into things.

This.

make it nice organise some fun things for him and the kids. Enjoy the time together

CurlewKate · 05/12/2023 11:22

In my opinion, being hurt by a teenage child's Christmas decisions is unfair. Back off and say whatever he decides is fine-you'll fit in. And then have a quiet private weep.

NeonSoda · 05/12/2023 11:24

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

Ok, so don't travel to the countryside. Spend your break between Christmas and New Year in the city. You talk about doing something different this Christmas, but you don't seem to be willing to do something different yourself.

You are prioritising your relatives in the countryside over your partner's son.

Also - he's 19. Tell him that you only have X amount of money for the flight tickets. If he chooses to come before Christmas then that money covers all of it. If he chooses to come between Christmas and New Year then he'll have to cover some of the cost.

NoTouch · 05/12/2023 11:27

Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 10:13

Because he has exams after new years and need to revise, he’s very studious. He said after new years won’t work as he will literally sit in his room 6 hours a day.

no I did not invent the inconvenience. Seems a lot of posters just want to be nasty for the sake of it

Show quote history

If he has exams in the new year that are key for his future him and those exams need to be prioritised above spending lots of time travelling/visiting any family abroad over Christmas.

He will be pressured enough without any guilt trips, I would take all pressure off him and let him decide if and when he can come and if you/dh want to see him you/dh need to fit around that. If he is feeling any pressure for exams your dh should be telling him to stay put and perhaps visit him to support him for a couple of days instead.

porridgeisbae · 05/12/2023 11:32

He wants to spend time with his mum, time with you, and time with his friend (what teens/20s person wants to spend new year's with their dad and step mum when they can spend it with friends? = virtually none.)

He's doing nothing wrong @Superaline991 .

When I was 19, my first year away from home, I didn't even bother coming home, to anyone. Grin Just chilled out with mates on Xmas day.

Of course it's harder to see SS because you live abroad- if you want to see him more, maybe move to the UK?

But don't be resentful because he's doing nothing wrong, just managing the demands of being a child of divorced parents and a young person with his own life.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/12/2023 11:38

In my opinion, being hurt by a teenage child's Christmas decisions is unfair. Back off and say whatever he decides is fine-you'll fit in. And then have a quiet private weep.

This

eujk · 05/12/2023 11:38

Gymmum82 · 05/12/2023 08:15

Christmas isn’t a big deal in Spain. None of my Spanish friends/colleagues go home for it. They all go home for the kings day in January. That’s when the celebration is.
The kid wants to see his mum, his dad and his friends. If xmas flights are too expensive and you are going to see grandad get him to come in January and have a second xmas if you will.
When I was a kid we would often have 2 or 3 separate xmas days with various family members as children we thought this was brilliant

Christmas eve is very big in Spain! Families meet on Christmas day too. No way I'd say "Christmas isn't a big deal in Spain ".

I understand some Spaniards fly for día de Reyes because flights are cheaper.

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