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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

209 replies

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:36

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

OP posts:
Pugdays · 05/12/2023 11:44

He's 19
Your asking to much
Teenagers want to do their own things
Your best bet is offering him flights whenever he is free ,maybe in the summer and offer to pay for a girlfriend as well.
There won't be as much to do in the cold .
Your thinking about what u want ,not about what he wants
I've 4 teens / young adults,and it is about fitting in their life when they have space for you ...that's just how is ..we'll unless your the demanding/ push them away type .

Topsyturvy78 · 05/12/2023 11:45

I don't know what all the fuss is about Christmas day. If he already had plans to be with his mum. Just celebrate on boxing day instead.

Kwasi · 05/12/2023 11:47

From your comments, OP, it sounds like it’s more about saving money by flying DSS to Spain before Christmas than it is about having him with you and your family for Christmas Day.

My MIL flies to Spain regularly. She can’t get there and back for £70 since Covid. £200 is a cheap return flight these days.

Does his mum have other kids like you do? Maybe he wants to spend time with them. Or maybe he doesn’t want his mum to be without her only child on Christmas Day.

I think YABU.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 05/12/2023 11:50

He’s just started uni, of course he wants to celebrate Christmas where he considers home. He is making an effort to come to you over Christmas time, just not on the actual day.

AIstolemylunch · 05/12/2023 11:50

you're asking way too much. he's only been at univesity one term and it still getting used to it. of course he wants to go home and have a normal, familiar christmas break where all his friends he wants to catch up with are and all his stuff is. Poor kid being guilted like this.

coldcrossbun · 05/12/2023 12:01

He is trying his best to split his Xmas between both his parents, actually spending less time with his mum than with you. And you want him to come to you for longer and thus not spend any time at Xmas with her at all - can't you see how she'd be hurt by this?

Do you have any proposals where he can see both parents other than what he's proposing? And not one where he doesn't get to see his mates either - he's 19, of course he wants to spend New Years with them.

YABVU to make it all about you and your hurt. It's not his fault his parents are divorced and live in different countries. That's hard enough for him, don't make it harder with a guilt trip.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/12/2023 12:07

I think it's unrealistic to think a 19 year old will want to be with parents for new year.

My advice if you want him there for new year /longer is to allow him to bring a friend or more if you have space so that they can have a Spanish night out for new years (if you live somewhere fun). Maybe try this for Easter?

Xmas in Spain probably wouldn't 'feel' like Xmas for him I'm afraid.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/12/2023 12:08

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

Then if you don't think it's worth it then, fly him over to see you in January instead?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 05/12/2023 12:18

Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 10:13

Because he has exams after new years and need to revise, he’s very studious. He said after new years won’t work as he will literally sit in his room 6 hours a day.

no I did not invent the inconvenience. Seems a lot of posters just want to be nasty for the sake of it

Show quote history

A day has 24 hours...
6 hours of studying, about 7-8 hours of sleeping. That would leave 10 to 11 hours for shared activities!

It doesn´t seem too bad to me.
As for him now "having free will not dictated by his mother":
You surely agree that he has free will that should not be dictated by his father or stepmother, don´t you?

I would strongly encourage you to remember this.
Do not try to guilt-trip or shame him.

His father made the choice (whether justified and beneficial to his son or not) to let his mother take him back to her home country and away from Spain.

These decisions have consequences. And his father, half-siblings and you have to accept that.

mushroom3 · 05/12/2023 12:19

Look at Flyla. They do cheap late booked flights for students.

Thegoodbadandugly · 05/12/2023 12:29

You could always celebrate Christmas on the date that he comes, you can bet your boots he won't even spend that much time with his mum because at that age they would rather be out with their mates.

CottonC · 05/12/2023 12:33

@Superaline991 Just read he's got exams. In which case you're lucky he's coming at all. In his place i wouldnt. Certainly not for a dad who chose never to be part of my everyday childhood life anyway. If your DH really cared, he would have moved to Spain so he could see his son much more often during his childhood. Your DH is reaping what he's sown. If I was a parent, there's no way I would live in a different country from my child. Would you?

If i was his son, I would have instead visited another time of the year which was less pressured study wise. And he's coming to see his dad rather than you or your kids, who realistically dont have anything to do with him.

He's going to have your kids around making noise, trying to interact with him etc which would make it harder for him to study so he's making a real sacrifice. Plus his dad also having to naturally share attention with his younger kids so he won't have full on father son time either.

RedHelenB · 05/12/2023 12:35

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:38

Pay for the flights and enjoy the time with him. Don’t guilt him into things.

This.

clpsmum · 05/12/2023 12:40

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:38

Pay for the flights and enjoy the time with him. Don’t guilt him into things.

This!

He's a teenager and has always spent Christmas with his mum and doesn't want to change that. Seems she didn't dictate to him at all as this is what he wants to do

FreshWinterMorning · 05/12/2023 12:47

YABU sorry @Superaline991 And get used to it - because the older they get, the less time adult children will want to spend with their parents. (Til around mid 30s, when they have grown up a bit/got kids of their own.)

Maddy70 · 05/12/2023 12:58

His Christmas tradition os to spend it with his mum in that home.

Pay for his flights. 4 days is plenty.

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 12:59

I think you need to step back and let DH make the decision.

This should have been a happy event - DSS is choosing to take 4 days from his small window to spend with you. He will get to see his DGF for what might be the last time. He will have lots of time with his DF on the journey- car journeys are great for getting teens to talk.

Instead you have made it about your hurt feelings and money.

Amberjane41 · 05/12/2023 13:24

I think you don’t want to spend the money so turning your poor stepson into the bad guy to make you feel better about yourself! How does your DH feel about this? Doesn’t sound like their divorce was as amicable as you are saying seeing as you’ve outright implied that your stepson has been manipulated into staying at “home” all these years.
He sounds lovely bless him. No way I would be flying out on Boxing Day to be met with an eight hour drive across the country. Why can’t you visit your family members at new year instead? It’s only a couple of days and they are all adults so would understand surely

Original poster
Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 14:34

CottonC · 05/12/2023 12:33

@Superaline991 Just read he's got exams. In which case you're lucky he's coming at all. In his place i wouldnt. Certainly not for a dad who chose never to be part of my everyday childhood life anyway. If your DH really cared, he would have moved to Spain so he could see his son much more often during his childhood. Your DH is reaping what he's sown. If I was a parent, there's no way I would live in a different country from my child. Would you?

If i was his son, I would have instead visited another time of the year which was less pressured study wise. And he's coming to see his dad rather than you or your kids, who realistically dont have anything to do with him.

He's going to have your kids around making noise, trying to interact with him etc which would make it harder for him to study so he's making a real sacrifice. Plus his dad also having to naturally share attention with his younger kids so he won't have full on father son time either.

Did you read it correctly, DH and ex lived in Spain together, DH is Spanish, ex is British, post divorce ex asked to move DSS to the UK to be near her family, her mother had some illness etc.. DH is very traditional and thinks a child should be with their mother and if ex is unhappy so will DSS be, therefore he gave her the permission to move. Ex taught English in Spain. DH remained in Spain. DSS and ex moved away.

OP posts:
CottonC · 05/12/2023 14:43

Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 14:34

Did you read it correctly, DH and ex lived in Spain together, DH is Spanish, ex is British, post divorce ex asked to move DSS to the UK to be near her family, her mother had some illness etc.. DH is very traditional and thinks a child should be with their mother and if ex is unhappy so will DSS be, therefore he gave her the permission to move. Ex taught English in Spain. DH remained in Spain. DSS and ex moved away.

Show quote history

@Superaline991 my point is the same but I meant UK - he should have moved UK to be with his son, or if there was absolutely no way he could move, block the move until his son was close to adulthood. Being "very traditional" would be a child being brought up both of their parents, not just one. A child having their father as a normal active part of their everyday life is irreplaceable and far more important than the ex's wishes. A father is not less important than a mother.

Your husband was given a choice. A loving parent who wants to be an active everyday part of their child's life would never agree to their child being moved to a different country. If you broke up with your husband and he wanted to move country with the kids, would you let him? I expect not, and you'd be very right not to let him do so.

Elfontheshmelf · 05/12/2023 14:45

At 19 I think it's fair enough to want to spend new years with friends. He's offered you four days over the Christmas period. I'd accept it.

EmmaEmerald · 05/12/2023 16:01

Goodness, is there anything worse than family pressure at Xmas? Pour soul, at 19, he's got years of it as well.

So he has exams, cool. Forget christmas and work out when is convenient for a visit.

GabriellaMontez · 05/12/2023 16:12

How long do you expect him to visit to get your moneys worth?

Original poster
Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 16:12

CottonC · 05/12/2023 14:43

@Superaline991 my point is the same but I meant UK - he should have moved UK to be with his son, or if there was absolutely no way he could move, block the move until his son was close to adulthood. Being "very traditional" would be a child being brought up both of their parents, not just one. A child having their father as a normal active part of their everyday life is irreplaceable and far more important than the ex's wishes. A father is not less important than a mother.

Your husband was given a choice. A loving parent who wants to be an active everyday part of their child's life would never agree to their child being moved to a different country. If you broke up with your husband and he wanted to move country with the kids, would you let him? I expect not, and you'd be very right not to let him do so.

Show quote history

So if a British woman married somebody from Saudi Arabia, and lived there, post divorce she wants to move back home to the UK but isn’t allowed to with the kid(s) what would you call it? What if the man says she is allowed to only leave alone but not with the kid. You would call him abusive and controlling wouldn’t you. So this saudi man only wants the kids to stay with his family. By law children belong to the husband. Mums have no say. So you think that’s right? My DH only did what was necessary at the time, surely he could’ve blocked the move and confined the ex to eternal unhappiness right?

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 05/12/2023 16:24

Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 16:12

So if a British woman married somebody from Saudi Arabia, and lived there, post divorce she wants to move back home to the UK but isn’t allowed to with the kid(s) what would you call it? What if the man says she is allowed to only leave alone but not with the kid. You would call him abusive and controlling wouldn’t you. So this saudi man only wants the kids to stay with his family. By law children belong to the husband. Mums have no say. So you think that’s right? My DH only did what was necessary at the time, surely he could’ve blocked the move and confined the ex to eternal unhappiness right?

Show quote history

Why are you talking about Saudi Arabia?

That's a total and utter strawman argument which has fuck all to do with anything but to try and win your argument on MN.

Bottom line: step son is willing to fly to see you, but you don't want to accommodate it because it's expensive and doesn't fit with other plans which you are prioritising over seeing the step son. But you don't want to admit this. Instead you want to sling mud at the step son for not coming on the exact dates that suit you and are calling him selfish for not prioritising him. Even though you wouldn't prioritise him on dates that suit him better.

If I were him I'd just think 'fuck it' and say in the UK rather than deal with this bullshit.

Saudi fucking Arabia. Good grief.