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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

209 replies

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:36

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 05/12/2023 16:28

@Superaline991 there are a lot of "we think" in your original post.

Please just go to your DH and ask him what he wants to happen and listen to his answer without interrupting.

If you genuinely can't afford £400 then there's nothing to discuss. If it's more that it seems like a high amount for such a short trip and not what you're used to paying, then it's different.

I bet your DH wants to see his DS, this could be resolved by one phone call tonight and a flight booking.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 05/12/2023 16:33

Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 16:12

So if a British woman married somebody from Saudi Arabia, and lived there, post divorce she wants to move back home to the UK but isn’t allowed to with the kid(s) what would you call it? What if the man says she is allowed to only leave alone but not with the kid. You would call him abusive and controlling wouldn’t you. So this saudi man only wants the kids to stay with his family. By law children belong to the husband. Mums have no say. So you think that’s right? My DH only did what was necessary at the time, surely he could’ve blocked the move and confined the ex to eternal unhappiness right?

Show quote history

Are you seriously comparing Spain to Saudi Arabia?

international custody agreements are possible (if both parents are willing).
Or your DH could have decided to move to the UK.
Or spend the holidays with his son (in the UK).

he did not. We do not have enough information to know whether your DH truly prioritised his son’s wellbeing when making that decision.

maybe it was. But decisions have consequences. In this case your DH’s decision mean that the UK is his DS’s home and that his mother is his primary parent. Wanting to spend Christmas in his home country with what he presumably considers his nuclear family is completely understandable.

RedToothBrush · 05/12/2023 16:55

Wanting to spend Christmas in his home country with what he presumably considers his nuclear family is completely understandable.

A nineteen year old not being interested in spending time with his mates over Christmas is more of a worry than one who doesn't.

It's not mum v dad. It's much more than that.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/12/2023 17:03

Poor guy. When you have divorced parents, Christmas brings a shed load of guilt and unrealistic expectations from various family members. He will offend/upset someone no matter what he does, because he can't be in two places at once.

It's bad enough being in that situation without your parents acting "hurt" and actively guilt tripping you.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/12/2023 17:05

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 05/12/2023 11:50

He’s just started uni, of course he wants to celebrate Christmas where he considers home. He is making an effort to come to you over Christmas time, just not on the actual day.

This. The fact that his dad doesn't appear to care what his son actually wants (to spend Xmas at home), and thinks that this offer isn't good enough speaks volumes.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 05/12/2023 17:20

Saudi Arabia 🤔

Seriously clutching at straws with using that to try and support your arguement.

If your husband was truly prioritising his son's happiness, he would have moved to the UK to be around him, after splitting up with his wife.

It sounds like he did his best to visit, but long weekends etc and short visits are not the same as having your dad around all the time.

You said yourself, he is 19, a young adult. The world has just opened up to him.

He has offered some dates that mess up your husband's plans to visit other family.

Let his son lead on when he wants to visit. If he is guilted into it, are feels railroaded being given different dates to what he has offered, he will stop bothering, start avoiding your calls etc.

Coconutter24 · 05/12/2023 17:33

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

So you’re complaining because you think he is prioritising the other side of the family and friends yet you don’t sound like you’re prioritising DSS and you want him to come but on your terms? Could you not see extended family once DSS goes home or have him on the dates he’s asked for and suck it up and do the drive

CottonC · 06/12/2023 06:51

@Superaline991 as others have said, Saudi Arabia is a strawman argument.

To be blunt, your husband failed his son. He prioritised whatever he was doing in Spain / letting his ex take him away to be the real day to day parent, over properly bringing up and having a close relationship with his own child. Unbelievable.

He's lucky his son is even considering spending time with him over the Christmas period when he could be spending it with the family he grew up with/his friends and he should bl**dy well pay the £400.

AffableApple · 06/12/2023 09:51

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

I would say just this year, this is a tricky time as he's just an adult, that you suck up the money (if you can stretch really hard just once) and the inconvenience. It's a turning point this year. Tread carefully. See it as an investment in future Christmases.

Goneblank38 · 06/12/2023 09:55

You guys sound like you might be the problem here. He's willing to travel to see you but you don't want to change your plans to prioritise him. That's on you.

Amberjane41 · 06/12/2023 11:40

Yeah I would also say it’s extremely selfish of you (if you do end up deciding to pay for it) to expect him to fly over to Spain then sit in a car for four hours to see other relatives!! He’s making a huge effort and then probably won’t even get to spend any time with his dad anyway! What a bloody long day that will be for him as well what with having to check in at the airport etc. Just have your poor stepson over when he can make it and then go and see the other relatives when he’s gone. Honestly can’t believe the entitlement of this post. Unbelievable!

rookiemere · 06/12/2023 12:36

Amberjane41 · 06/12/2023 11:40

Yeah I would also say it’s extremely selfish of you (if you do end up deciding to pay for it) to expect him to fly over to Spain then sit in a car for four hours to see other relatives!! He’s making a huge effort and then probably won’t even get to spend any time with his dad anyway! What a bloody long day that will be for him as well what with having to check in at the airport etc. Just have your poor stepson over when he can make it and then go and see the other relatives when he’s gone. Honestly can’t believe the entitlement of this post. Unbelievable!

To be fair to OP, I believe the long journey is to visit the DHs DF who will also be DSS grandfather as it is believed to be his last Christmas.

In those circumstances it makes a lot of sense for DSS to go on that long trip as well, and as he is young I'm sure he can cope with the journey.

It's irrelevant anyway as I'm sure DSS won't be coming over because of the air fare being higher than it is in May or if booked months in advance.

Eskimal · 06/12/2023 13:40

Now he’s not “controlled” by his mum you want to start controlling him?

WhatNoRaisins · 06/12/2023 13:48

Is this really the right time of year for him to visit you? It sounds like you're both quite busy and have other priorities. There's no shame in not being together at Christmas, some families aren't, doesn't mean they love each other less.

Pipsquiggle · 06/12/2023 14:57

WhatNoRaisins · 06/12/2023 13:48

Is this really the right time of year for him to visit you? It sounds like you're both quite busy and have other priorities. There's no shame in not being together at Christmas, some families aren't, doesn't mean they love each other less.

Exactly what I was thinking @WhatNoRaisins

It's all becoming a bit of a rigmarole. If DSS does come are you going to spend any quality time together? It might be good for him to see his GF though, particularly if he's so ill.

RainbowNinja77 · 06/12/2023 17:18

Yes, YABU - I have divorced parents, Mum wins. She raised me, provided everything for me, and always did the things that I needed growing up. She gets Christmas. My dad and family are awesome, but it’s not the same as the family I lived with growing up. It’s just something you have to accept.

RainbowNinja77 · 06/12/2023 17:22

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

So, you won’t prioritise him over taking your own children on holiday, but want him to prioritise you? As someone who drove between parents and grandparent on Christmas Day from when I was 18 onwards, I can say - leave him alone. He didn’t ask to be split between two families; it makes no difference to him whether there was fault in the divorce or not. I stopped doing the drive eventually and just stay with my mum - guilt trips at my dad’s helped make that decision.

Lovemusic82 · 06/12/2023 17:27

He’s 19, I’m guessing he’s been away at uni since September so is probably looking forward to going back home for a break. My dd is the same age and at uni, she’s not too bothered about Christmas and will probably only come home for 5 days, she will be spending one day with her father (we are divorced) but the rest of the time she will be relaxing or visiting friends, I don’t think my dd would be wanting to spend her Christmas with younger siblings in another country.

RAC208 · 06/12/2023 21:30

Could you not travel to the UK and spend some time with him here ???

Glassesfrompubs · 07/12/2023 08:00

As a child of divorced parents, the guilt about who “gets” you for Christmas can be hideous. Don’t make it worse for him. Yes he’s an adult, but you are an adultier-adult - your feelings need to be second here, sorry

LadyChilli · 07/12/2023 08:32

You seem quite determined to argue the case that you are not being unreasonable, even pulling out imaginary examples about Saudi Arabia, but the reality is that the 19 year old is used to a particular tradition and it sounds like that is what he wants to carry on with, while also making time for you and seeing friends. I used to love those late teens/early twenties Christmas nights with friends, when people I didn't get to see much were back in our home town. From his perspective it's not an opportunity to finally spend Christmas with his dad now that he has escaped the clutches of his mum, it's just another Christmas and he usually spends it with his maternal relatives. And the reality is also that you and your husband have other priorities for your time and money (or you simply don't have the money full stop in which case it's all irrelevant). I understand about the grandfather situation adding to your drive but does that visit have to take place between Christmas and New Year? I suspect there will be reasons why that can't be compromised on. Fair enough if so, but again it seems you're expecting the 19 year old to do all the flexing, while everyone else's needs are more important.

I do get why you feel hurt but if you can find the money it would be an investment in the relationship with him.

Redridinghood2 · 07/12/2023 15:29

I am 50, my parents separated when I was 8, and I still get anxiety about Christmas, who I should spend it with and who I’m going to upset. Leave him alone.

newmomaboutthreads · 08/12/2023 15:09

You are correct, he considers his actual mother’s home, home! Leave him
be, he wants to spend a special time of year with his mum, like he’s always done. Accept that you and your husband come second to his own mum.

WhatNoUsername · 08/12/2023 18:07

I think you should be delighted that a 19 year old wants to spend 4 days with you over the Christmas period! If he came for the time you are suggesting, he wouldn't see his mum at all and he wouldn't get to spend NYE with his friends which obviously a 19 year old will want to do. He is trying to split his time to see all his family and friends which is absolutely fair enough.

David17875 · 09/12/2023 19:02

Let it all wash over you! You have done your best and if they don't want to know it is going to be their loss.