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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

209 replies

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:36

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 04/12/2023 13:55

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:38

Pay for the flights and enjoy the time with him. Don’t guilt him into things.

I agree with that but remember it is possible his mother might feel hurt that he chooses to break with what has become a tradition of Christmas with her.

If he can come out on 26th, it is Boxing Day and still the season of Christmas until the epiphany. It will be fun and he'll see his siblings.

Overthebow · 04/12/2023 13:56

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

Why don’t you prioritise him and not go to wider family during that time? You can’t ask him to prioritise you without being willing to do the same. He’s 19, of course he doesn’t want to spend the whole of his Christmas break visiting family. 4 days is perfectly reasonable.

Octavia64 · 04/12/2023 13:57

He's a young adult.

He wants to see his mum and family, and his dad and family, and his mates,

He's offered you four days.

I'll be honest, when I was 19 I would not have chosen to spend Christmas with little kids - yes magic of Christmas and half siblings etc but to young adults they are just annoying.

He is prioritising you.

Seaweed42 · 04/12/2023 13:57

When you are 19 Christmas is not that big a deal.
Loads of people 'expect' you to do this that and the other.
And it's a pain in the arse trying to please people.

The lad has already had to be shunted back and forth between the UK and Spain every holiday in order to keep contact with his family members.

Due to no fault or choice of his.

Now he gets to choose and respect that choice.

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2023 13:58

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:48

So basically your not willing to prioritise him yet your expecting him to prioritise you.

This.

BeaLola · 04/12/2023 13:59

It sounds like you are not wanting to make the effort but expect him to.

I would pay £400 for the flights and not see the extended family so you and your young children who want to see their big brother have ample time with him to create/make bonds .

If that is t possible because extended family cannot be missed offer the January dates for the true Spanish celebrations - who knows that could be one the new tradition

Frazzledmum123 · 04/12/2023 14:02

I can totally see why you feel hurt but I have to agree with what @Sirzy said I'm afraid. If that was my son, nothing would be more important than seeing him and I would cancel all other plans with extended family so I could spend all the time possible with him. £400 would be a lot for me too so I do understand but again, my priority would be him over travelling later in the year etc and if it meant doing overtime or cutting back here and there throughout the year I would. The fact of the matter is, if it was really the most important thing to you, you could do it and make sacrifices elsewhere. I'm not having a go but that's the truth so you can't really complain that he also isn't willing to make sacrifices and prioritise you.
He wants Christmas at home, as I would and the UK is home. And he wants new year with friends which is sad for you but not unreasonable of him

ManateeFair · 04/12/2023 14:03

YABVU. He's an adult and he has no tradition of spending Christmas with you. He's offered to come out on Boxing Day - it's not his fault you and his dad have prioritised seeing extended family during that time. And of course he wants to go out on NYE with his mates, because he's 19 and that's what people do at 19.

Talking about him 'not considering us his real family' is awful emotional blackmail and you're being very melodramatic.

Has it occurred to you that, as you have young children, he is well aware that you already have a family Christmas regardless of whether he's there, and that maybe he feels his mum just needs him at Christmas more than you do?

nutbrownhare15 · 04/12/2023 14:04

Be grateful he wants to spend that time with you. Change your plans to accommodate him. That's what parents do.

DisforDarkChocolate · 04/12/2023 14:05

I'd take those 4 days and be happy.

As soon as your ex said he was happy for his son to move several hundred miles away his son knew he wasn't a priority. That's hard but it's what he will have felt.

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2023 14:06

Why is home in inverted commas - it is his home with his mother and stepdad and with his friends.

you want him to prioritise you but you aren’t doing the same back, what he is suggesting is reasonable and to be expected.

give your head a massive wobble - not his real fsmily

Original poster
Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 14:06

Thank you all, I see it now. I didn’t see it before, just felt hurt. But from his perspective it probably makes sense.
DH’s dad is ill so may be the last Christmas with him, we can’t not go this year, he would like to see grandson too. Obviously if there’s no other choice we would pay up and have him over. But it seems the dates he offers are not confirmed, so he may not even want to come for four days. He said he’ll confirm later. Besides DH and I still need to discuss about finances.

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 04/12/2023 14:07

Agreed: have him come spend Reyes Magos with you. Unless you keep a totally British Christmas, it'll be an even more fun and jolly time with his brothers than coming for the 25th. And that could also be a good way to delineate holidays: Christmas with his mum, Reyes Magos with his dad and brothers.

StoneColdAlibi · 04/12/2023 14:07

And before you take any offence at people not understanding how hard this situation is please note that I am in the EXACT same position in reverse. Step son living in Spain, travelling back and forth during the same period, with the same balances to be struck.

It's expensive and we also are not the ones who moved away, but you suck it up and prioritise whatever the child can do, often by postponing seeing other family.

Original poster
Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 14:08

DSS’ mum was struggling to be in a foreign country, DH didn’t want to cause more issues post divorce, her mental health was suffering so he gave her permission to move. His son was still a priority but he thought happy mother means happy child too.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 04/12/2023 14:12

Christmas is really tough when you are the child of a blended family, more so when different countries are involved.

I always felt so pulled in all directions. Don't be another pull.

Nordlo · 04/12/2023 14:16

What he's offered is more than reasonable. Your DH didn't actively play a part in his day to day life....I really can't see how he gets to complain now that he's not getting enough value out of a plane ticket at Christmas. Of course DSS wants to spend Christmas with the family he has always spent it with. Wouldn't you? It might have been more his decision than you think it was. Accept the 4 days.

unicornflakegirl · 04/12/2023 14:17

As a family based in Spain and the UK I would say you are being unreasonable.

Your attitude is placing expectations way beyond his years and for which he has no responsibility.

Why not invite him for Reyes? The the younger kids can have the fun day with him.

Also depending on what airports are involved stop looking at only Ryanair, look at other options plus train or other airlines. You may find a cheaper alternative but for Christmas flights (anywhere) you kind of have to plan and suck up the cost.

DisquietintheRanks · 04/12/2023 14:21

Nordlo · 04/12/2023 14:16

What he's offered is more than reasonable. Your DH didn't actively play a part in his day to day life....I really can't see how he gets to complain now that he's not getting enough value out of a plane ticket at Christmas. Of course DSS wants to spend Christmas with the family he has always spent it with. Wouldn't you? It might have been more his decision than you think it was. Accept the 4 days.

Do you think he should have forced the boy's mother to stay in Spain so he could be a part of his day to day life then?

Frazzledmum123 · 04/12/2023 14:22

I'm glad you are seeing it from the other way now, I do understand- not the same at all but my son is now a teenager and I find it hard that he isn't as interested in family stuff as he once was so I sort of do understand how you feel. But it isn't on him to change plans and he isn'tin the wrong. I hope you manage to see him at some point and have a lovely Christmas and I'm sorry about your FIL too

jolies1 · 04/12/2023 14:22

Totally agree with other posters why not suggest he comes after NY if flights are better and make a new tradition for your kids and your SS? It sounds like you have a lot of valid reasons why the dates SS has given don’t work for you but aren’t willing to consider he also has his own valid reasons for wanting to come then?

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 04/12/2023 14:24

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

When you choose to be with someone who already has children, there will be inconvenient sacrifices that you'll need to make.

Tiiredofthiss · 04/12/2023 14:24

YABU. It's perfectly normal for a 19 year old uni student to want to stick to their family traditions, which is spending Christmas with his mum, and to want to spend NYE with friends.
It's great that he's able to spend 4 days with you at all - prioritise him, pay for the flights and don't go visit extended family while he's there.

Whataretheodds · 04/12/2023 14:26

The cost of flights is the cost of flights especially over christmas and new year. If it's 4 hours to the airport and 4 hours to relatives is there not a more sensible routing for him to get closer to where rhe relatives live, including a train/coach from the airport?

OhmygodDont · 04/12/2023 14:26

Yabu you can’t have it all your way.

He wants his normal Christmas that’s fine. His offered to come between 26-whatever date it was. Home for new years with friends. His trying to please all the people he loves in his life.

If that’s not good enough for you guys then you accept he won’t come.