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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

209 replies

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:36

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

OP posts:
startquitting · 04/12/2023 14:27

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:48

So basically your not willing to prioritise him yet your expecting him to prioritise you.

Exactly this. Sounds like op only wants him there for her own dc’s sake.

Ohnoooooooo · 04/12/2023 14:31

Nope sorry you are being needy and I guess its because you have small kids. I think the idea of him coming for a few days is a good compromise - ask him to pay for half the fare if you can't afford it. And honestly, I have 17 year olds who like small children but there is only so much a late teen can do to hang out with small kids - three-four days is plenty.

Stephisaur · 04/12/2023 14:33

I'd say that, as he's 19, you're lucky he's willing to come to Spain to see you at all! Sounds like he's making a lot of effort to make everyone (including himself) happy.

Possibly too late now, but I would have just delayed Christmas by a day and had it on Boxing Day so that he could open pressies with his siblings. Could you reschedule seeing DH's extended family to one of the other days, or have them come to you instead?

startquitting · 04/12/2023 14:42

You keep saying that it is only two full days he is spending with you, so it’s too expensive for you to pay. But for HIM it’s four full days, with travelling. He is basically wasting two of his precious holiday days travelling through shitty airports to come and see you. And you complain having to drive to get him.

Can you not hear yourself how bad this sounds?

LuluBlakey1 · 04/12/2023 14:45

You want what you want and it is unreasonable- you asked, you've had your answer but you don't want to hear that.

Pipsquiggle · 04/12/2023 14:54

A 19 year old willing to come over to spend time with you is great - don't put extra restrictions on him.

Whatevs23 · 04/12/2023 14:58

Daisies12 · 04/12/2023 13:45

YABU - mostly to call him a teen. He’s an adult, let him do what he wants, and don’t make him feel guilty

He's 19. He literally is a teen. (As well as a young adult.)

honeyandfizz · 04/12/2023 15:05

I have a 19 and a 20 year old. DD is 20 and at Uni, she is home for 3 days then going to stay with her bf and their family for the remainder. I suspect next year she will not come at all. DS 19 is here but working in hospitality for most of it. My point is they have their own lives at these ages they are literally just spreading those adult wings and it isn't personal as much as it can feel hurtful. If you can't afford then you can't and that is that but don't be offended at the time he is offering it really is normal.

housethatbuiltme · 04/12/2023 15:09

This is what YOU want not him.

His mother wasn't forcing him, he had great Xmases their and those are HIS happy traditions.

You couldn't pay me to have to smile through someone else's (usually 'wrong') Xmas traditions. I would literally rather do nothing than do that.

autienotnaughty · 04/12/2023 15:15

Obviously it's tough for u guys but ultimately the family situation is not his responsibility. I'd except the four days and make it work.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 15:17

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 14:06

Thank you all, I see it now. I didn’t see it before, just felt hurt. But from his perspective it probably makes sense.
DH’s dad is ill so may be the last Christmas with him, we can’t not go this year, he would like to see grandson too. Obviously if there’s no other choice we would pay up and have him over. But it seems the dates he offers are not confirmed, so he may not even want to come for four days. He said he’ll confirm later. Besides DH and I still need to discuss about finances.

Don't spend too long discussing.

Whenever he travels, it's very close to Christmas now. Those 400 quid flights might be a lot more expensive next week.

Too late now but why on earth didn't you all sort this out months ago?

SparklyFrogg · 04/12/2023 15:21

It is very difficult when family live abroad but you have your own adult life and you are trying to make everything fit.
I’m glad in another response you said you could start to see his point of view.

Prepare yourself- over time this will likely be a continuous ‘issue’ as he gets older. As his life gets busier travelling abroad regularly will get harder. It’s sad but unfortunately part of living so far apart. Maybe you have thought about this but maybe you haven’t.
There will likely be some years he can’t come at all, especially when he gets a full time job. Please try not to take it personally and start mentally preparing now. It’s so hard to feel torn between your own needs and pleasing your family. He won’t have school holidays where it’s easier to come for much longer. It is very hard to feel split between trying to please many different families, yourself and the contributed time of travel.

Can you try and introduce some alternatives now, like regular video calls?

Also if you can, in the future, I urge you to try and visit him in the UK (maybe you already have), even if it’s just your DH.
Although I know you have smaller children, the responsibility of keep travelling back and forth to maintain the relationship should not solely be put on him because it’s ‘easier’- it just creates resentment. Again not saying you do this and I acknowledge it’s tricky - but first hand experience shows effort on both sides is important.

Of course maybe he will come regularly as he gets older, I just think it could be useful to mentally prepare to manage expectations.

Good luck hope you can have a nice Xmas in the days you do spend together xx

caringcarer · 04/12/2023 15:56

Patchworksack · 04/12/2023 13:42

YABU. He’s a young adult who also wants to see his resident parent and his friends. It’s not his fault you live in different countries. He’s offering you 4 days, not saying he doesn’t want to come.

Take the 4 days he is offering. It's natural he wants to see his Mum on Xmas day and his extended family and friends over the New Year. I think he is being very fair.

5128gap · 04/12/2023 16:14

My best advice to you is (kindly) stay at an appropriate distance, and try not to let your 'hurt' be a thing here. You have asked and been answered by DSS, and that's that. If you can't afford the flights then you will have to see him some other time. If this is difficult for you, I can imagine it's even more so for your DH, and the best thing you can do for everyone, is to try not to fuel that hurt by adding on your own. Stay positive about the decisions made and plan another visit for everyone to look forward to.

BorrowersAreVermin · 04/12/2023 17:05

I always spent Christmas day with my mam's side of the family, boxing day with my dad's. If it's what he's always done maybe he would feel bad about not spending Christmas day with his mum.

BowlOfNoodles · 05/12/2023 07:46

You might want to consider that he only comes at all to be polite and not push it

Spirallingdownwards · 05/12/2023 07:48

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:47

DH has his extended family in Spain and on those days we are also travelling from main city to the countryside, if DSS comes on 26th, it means we need to drive 4 hours to pick him up and 4 hours to the relatives’ home, so would only have 27th and 28th together, then 29th spend 8 hours driving back and forth… £400 is a lot of money, it’s normally what we pay for our family of four on a Ryanair flight somewhere else. It’s half of our budget to go travelling. Maybe it doesn’t seem a lot for some, but for us is a lot. DH just can’t justify spending this much on 1 person and only two full days during Christmas. In the past DH has booked Ryanair tickets to go see his son, it was usually around £70-80 return for a long weekend. Same for the summer holidays when he came to see us.

The irony.

A post moaning that he can't prioritise you but really it's because you don't want to prioritise him.

TwistedKeys · 05/12/2023 07:50

I can see why you feel hurt and it isn’t unreasonable to feel that way. But you are not his tribe. Even his mum isn’t his tribe now. He is now old enough to make his own choices and he will choose to spend his time with his friends, workmates, partner. His world is expanding. Try to be glad he wants to spend even 4 days with you at a time when his life holds nothing but promise and potential.

QueSyrahSyrah · 05/12/2023 07:54

With respect OP the flights will be expensive at any stage over Christmas because you're looking at them in December. We often travel to family at Christmas and if we've not booked by June or July we usually consider ourselves priced out. Why is this only being considered now?

How about if you didn't all go trek to visit extended family, but just had DSS come to you? Would that squeeze some more quality time out of the 4 days?

WillowTit · 05/12/2023 07:56

i think you should have made plans earlier in the year, when there were cheap flights, if they ever were

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 08:00

WillowTit · 05/12/2023 07:56

i think you should have made plans earlier in the year, when there were cheap flights, if they ever were

Yes this.
Quibbling about Christmas period flights being expensive when you've only bothered to look a couple of weeks in advance is silly.

If it's really too much then suggest that you get flights for DS in January when it will be cheaper and he can come and spend time with you then.

Tinker1292 · 05/12/2023 08:04

This is exactly what I was thinking tbh. Op- are you sure you're genuinely hurt he isn't spending Christmas with you? It was the comment "DH can't justify spending £400 on one person" he isn't just any person that's his son. It might be a lot of money to you, but for the one year dss has said "yeah I'll come over" and it's like the excuses are rolling out for him not to come. It's almost like it's your way or the high way and you're not willing to compromise? Why not reschedule seeing extended family somyou spend time with him?

Original poster
Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 08:07

Grandfather is ill. That’s the priority this year, he may not be with us next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 08:08

Spirallingdownwards · 05/12/2023 07:48

The irony.

A post moaning that he can't prioritise you but really it's because you don't want to prioritise him.

Show quote history

Grandpa is ill

OP posts:
Original poster
Superaline991 · 05/12/2023 08:10

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 08:00

Yes this.
Quibbling about Christmas period flights being expensive when you've only bothered to look a couple of weeks in advance is silly.

If it's really too much then suggest that you get flights for DS in January when it will be cheaper and he can come and spend time with you then.

Show quote history

He wouldn’t commit and couldnt give us dates prior when we asked in the summer. Hard to book when we didn’t know.

OP posts:
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