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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt that teenaged son won’t celebrate Christmas with us

209 replies

Superaline991 · 04/12/2023 13:36

DH and his ex have a 19 year old son, I have known him since he was a little boy (off topic: no I was not OW and did not break up their marriage so trolls back off!). Every year since he was 7 his mother and stepdad have taken them away to his relatives and her relatives, so for 12 odd years we have not celebrated Christmas together. DH and I have young children and they have always expressed their wish to big brother around to open presents etc… this year we asked DSS to come to us for Christmas seeing he is now at uni and a young adult, we thought he might want to do that as he now has his own free will (not dictated by his mother). But he is choosing to go back “home”, and said he’s only available to spend time with us 26th-30th December. Seeing we live in Spain (DH is Spanish, but DSS lives in the UK) those days are really expensive to travel out here (£400) even with Ryanair. More than we can actually afford really. Too expensive to justify only 4 days with us, of which two are barely full days. We asked him to come on 24th and leaves 30th or he comes on 26th and leaves on the 1st or 2nd. He would like to spend Christmas with the other side of the family and New Years with his mate. Naturally we feel quite low on the priority list and quite hurt by it.

whilst he was growing up, we always made a point we wanted him to spend Christmas and every holiday with us, we would fly him over and when younger DH would fly over to pick him up, DH always flew over every time he got a chance to (ie long weekends, birthdays etc). DH made a real effort to stay in touch. No fault divorce, grew apart, didn’t love each other anymore etc…
DH and ex used to live in Spain together but post divorce ex wanted to be close to family so asked to move from Spain.

aibu to feel DSS doesn’t really consider us his real family as he now has got a chance to spend Christmas with us but chooses not to.

OP posts:
BobbleWobbleHat · 05/12/2023 08:10

Either you have £400 or you don't. Choosing whether you think it's "worth" it vs how many days he comes just sounds manipulative. You can't possibly insist he comes for all of Christmas to "justify" spending the money - it's blackmail. I strongly suspect flights on 24th will be even more expensive tbh.

I think you're being unfair, unreasonable and unrealistic. Take what you're offered, with gratitude and do the driving/make it work, or don't - but don't make that his fault.

TiaraBoo · 05/12/2023 08:11

Is there another airport he could fly to?
To be honest, he may not want to come if he has to spend 2 days of it travelling and 2 days visiting relatives.

SevenMoon · 05/12/2023 08:13

I could understand wanting to see his ill grandfather on Christmas if he had spent many with him in the past but he hasn't, he hasn't spent a Christmas with his dad's family for 12 years! Why wasn't he seeing him every other Christmas all those years at the very least? Flights are very cheap over Christmas if you pick the right day. It doesn't sound like DH made much effort after his son moved to the UK, he can't expect much now.

Gymmum82 · 05/12/2023 08:15

Christmas isn’t a big deal in Spain. None of my Spanish friends/colleagues go home for it. They all go home for the kings day in January. That’s when the celebration is.
The kid wants to see his mum, his dad and his friends. If xmas flights are too expensive and you are going to see grandad get him to come in January and have a second xmas if you will.
When I was a kid we would often have 2 or 3 separate xmas days with various family members as children we thought this was brilliant

Camerasforinthehouse · 05/12/2023 08:22

crumpet · 04/12/2023 13:40

He’s young, he’s never celebrated Christmas with you, he is only just becoming an adult, he might also have pressure to spend Christmas with the other side of the family, if he’s been living away from home he might be looking forward to familiar traditions , there are lots of reasons.

just keep the door open, make it clear he’s always welcome, and don’t make him feel guilty.

Edited

I agree.

Id be feeling sad too though OP.

Zoreos · 05/12/2023 08:23

So basically, you don’t actually WANT to spend Christmas that badly with the one person you’ve never spent Christmas with. You can’t justify spending that much time driving or paying for your husbands child who’s never been able to spend Christmas with you due to him having insane pressure from his mothers side of the family. You’re just choosing to be upset over the fact he won’t go against his resident parent for someone who won’t pay or put time to facilitate his journey or stay because the days “aren’t convenient”. If you’ve spent more than £400 on your other DC and spent more than 4 hours driving them places then YABU. I have seen your update that your grandparent is unwell which is obviously very sad but to me that should have been mentioned from the beginning and really not directly related or controlled by your DSS. From your own admission it’s been out of his control that he hasn’t been able to visit before and I expect he probably feels like an outsider by comparison to your own DC with his father. He’s making the effort and he’s a very young adult.

Viviennemary · 05/12/2023 08:24

Seems like you want things your way. Even in your first line you are dictating as to what posters can and can't post. In a bit of an aggressive way. If this is how you approach things in general not surprised you are running into problems.

Londonrach1 · 05/12/2023 08:26

Yabu. He offered to come for four days

Littlewhitecat · 05/12/2023 08:27

You don't really want him do you - you like the narrative of the mean first wife keeping him away from his DH for all the previous Christmases. Think of all the money that mean woman had saved you by controlling her son at expensive times to travel. All you've done is identify the ceiling cost for your desire to have DSS visit you. Your DH sounds like a really flakey dad.

thenletskeepdancing · 05/12/2023 08:31

Genuine family love is about quality not quantity. Yes it sucks needing to spend so much and drive heaps for effectively 2 full days together. Bug you will still spend that much and drive lots for “forcing him to stay longer”. Please don’t pressure him or make him feel bad. Embrace the experience for what it is and if could be super lovely for everyone.

NorthernAttitude · 05/12/2023 08:32

Your poor stepson. He's willing to commit 4 days of his holidays and do all the travelling and he's getting a hard time. It's not his faulty his parents live in separate countries. It's not his fault that logistics are difficult on those days because you have different priorities. He has his family traditions like your kids do - when your kids are 19 you'll want them home with you like DSS's mum does. You are being really unfair and selfish on this one.

JussathoB · 05/12/2023 08:37

For goodness sake. You really are making a problem here where there isn’t one.
it’s perfect normal for a 19 yr old to want to meet friends at new year.
it would be wise to graciously welcome him on the days he is coming. He’s coming in Boxing Day isn’t he, lucky you.

justasking111 · 05/12/2023 08:40

My three DCs university days, Christmas was a squeeze anyway with studying for exams, seeing family, New year with friends, we didn't get to see them a lot it's a short break.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/12/2023 08:40

Pick a Spanish holiday. Kings day, local Feria etc and give him a good reason to be with you all at a time where there are less personal conflicts. Make it something he wants to come to, with a friend, girlfriend, children eventually. My cousin lives in Andalusia. Her children come this way for Christmas, back to Spain for Kings day and everyone visits them over the Easter holidays every year before it gets too hot,

TooOldForThisNonsense · 05/12/2023 08:48

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:38

Pay for the flights and enjoy the time with him. Don’t guilt him into things.

This. If you have to pay it anyway why not just for a few days.

Otherwise YABU. He’s allowed to spend time with who he wants at Christmas, he’s an adult now and free to make his own choice.

YouAreMyCentreWhenISpinAway · 05/12/2023 08:49

So he has been brought up by his mum back in the UK, since he was 7, which was 12 years ago? Also, he has a Step Dad who has brought him up here, and maybe possibly siblings too. Am I near right here?

If so, that made his dad living in another country most of the year, and the child has grown up with little relationship with him. That's no ones fault. It is what comes when you divorce someone who is from another country.

He's 19, his world is his mums and his step families, his friends and his partner. He probably just doesn't want to come.

I suspect that this isn't an issue for you at all. You say your young children want him there to open their presents with. I doubt that. They will hardly know him, and he is an adult. You also complain about his mum monopolising him. No, she is just his mum, who loves him. There is no way I would want my DC plane hoping to other countries when he was young, even with his dad. I'd want him within my vicinity, just in case he needs me. Not controlling, just caring.

I think your thread is kind of a reverse. I think you don't actually care whether he comes or not, but have highlighted these things that are off, or are issues, for your own entertainment.

smilesup · 05/12/2023 08:51

I haven't celebrated NYE with my parents since I was 12. NYE is for mates Xmas for friends.

luckbealadytonight · 05/12/2023 08:54

You are being totally unreasonable.

Do not lay the guilt on him. And honestly yes, maybe he doesn't consider you his real family and that would be fine. It's one of the sad realities of divorce and remarriage.

JussathoB · 05/12/2023 08:55

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams I think your suggestions are great, this type of thinking is the way forward to build a positive relationship in the future.

NoTouch · 05/12/2023 08:55

Christmas is an insanely busy time for every one, your ds wants to do the traditional thing and see his family at Christmas, he wants to see his dad, and like any older teen it is important to him to have new years out with his friends.

He is not being unreasonable. He never made the situation where he had parents in different countries. If it is important for your dh to spend time with him at Christmas then work around the days he is available and don't make him having other things on over Christmas a battle.

He is only just an adult, playing the "own free will (not dictated by his mother)" card just makes you sound like you are trying to get him to choose visiting you as point scoring.

IDontDrinkTea · 05/12/2023 08:56

Could he come for día de Los Reyes instead?

VanGoghsDog · 05/12/2023 08:56

Can't he fly to an airport nearer to where the grandparents are, meaning you don't have the eight hour drives?

Might even be cheaper.

Mikimoto · 05/12/2023 08:58

And all these conversations are taking place on 4-5 December? THAT'S why it costs 400 quid!

YouAreMyCentreWhenISpinAway · 05/12/2023 09:02

Could he come for día de Los Reyes instead?

Yep, as said, Spaniards don't celebrate Christmas like we do. It isn't a big hoo ha. This to me again says you are just turning it into a weaponised drama.

Wherearemykeysagain · 05/12/2023 09:02

Sirzy · 04/12/2023 13:38

Pay for the flights and enjoy the time with him. Don’t guilt him into things.

I agree with this. But also it’s okay to feel sad. Just don’t let it spoil the good.