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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sending my estranged daughter a birthday card?

216 replies

MumNoMore · 03/12/2023 21:45

My 25yr old daughter and I reconnected 4 years ago after she chose to cut contact at 13 after her father’s and my divorce. I couldn’t have custody due to severe physical and chronic illness but it broke my heart.

I thought we had rebuilt a very good relationship with regular contact, until January when she suddenly cut me off again with no explanation or response to my messages and calls, that left me very confused and distressed since only the week before she told me how much she loved me.

She did send me a printed card from moonpig on my birthday, with a gift she knew I could not use (bath stuff..no bath) but no personal contact.
She posted across social media how much better she felt having made the decision to just focus on herself, and not have to think about anyone else.

That confused me (I’m on the spectrum) as I had always made the point of never complaining to her or asking for any help, ever, as I did not want to burden her with my health difficulties and depression which she did know about.

Its her birthday on Tuesday, and as much as I try to do the right thing, I cannot bring myself to send her even a card as I am still so very hurt and angry.

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

All the opinions seem to be to send one anyway as a good (even if unwanted) mother, to keep the door open in case she changes her mind and wants a relationship again. For me, that can never happen as I can’t forgive or trust her and risk my mental health being destroyed again.

It broke me to near suicide, and cannot spend the rest of my life anticipating for months and waiting to see if she sends a Xmas, Mother’s Day or birthday card again, reopening wounds of distress when she doesn’t respond to thank you messages I look for in the following days and weeks.

Is it selfish of me to be so protective of my unstable mental health that is already so challenged with being bedbound, depressed and alone, or does the fact she is my daughter trump all that as a priority I should put first and acknowledge as a mother?

Any opinions or advice is welcome, but you don’t have to tell me how crap I am at relationships, I am only too aware my autism makes me think and act differently that seems right to me, which is why I am reaching out.

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 03/12/2023 21:48

My advice is - short term, send one anyway but don’t wait for or expect a response. And long term, look into counselling, it sounds very painful.

socks1107 · 03/12/2023 21:48

No it's not selfish, if she doesn't talk to you about why she shouldn't get a card if you're not up to sending it. In a similar situation and they'll be no card sent from us here to my sd

tenbob · 03/12/2023 21:52

“I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.”

This jumped out at me.

If you are a full ‘my way or the highway’ person, it’s easy to see how she got to the point of having to cut contact with you.

I guess it’s up to you to decide whether you continue to live by a frankly awful set of rules, and spend the rest of your days with the consequences, or get some help to foster a healthier mindset that allows enough flexibility to allow for some sort of relationship in the future.

OldTinHat · 03/12/2023 21:52

No. Don't send one. Protect yourself.

FloweryName · 03/12/2023 21:53

I agree that you should send your dd a card.

13 year olds don’t choose to go no contact with their mothers for no reason and whatever issues there were throughout her childhood and adolescence won’t just have vanished for her. She has done what she needed to do to protect herself and while that might have hurt you, she is the child in this situation and she does deserve to have the door held open for her.

DilemmaDelilah · 03/12/2023 21:55

My daughter hasn't spoken to me for 6 months and I miss her dreadfully. However I feel that I need to keep the lines of communication open. I sent her a card and present for her birthday and I have got her a Christmas present. Nothing overboard, just what I would usually have spent on her. I want her to know that if/when she wants to talk to me again I am still here - I'm not cutting her off just because she has cut me off.
If you cut your daughter off now you run the risk of losing her for ever. Is that what you want? If you feel that the damage to your mental health is too much then perhaps that is best for you, but think carefully about whether that is what you want/need.
I am also autistic.

theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 21:58

Send a card. She is your daughter.

That doesn’t mean that you can manage how and if she comes back into your life..

You both sound quite damaged, so as much as you can be gentle with each other you should. And she is still on the young side so you have to lead a bit.

Spirallingdownwards · 03/12/2023 22:00

Send her one.

As another poster says don't expect a response and don't be angry if she doesn't respond.

It leaves the door open and can't be thrown back at you.

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 03/12/2023 22:02

Just send her birthday and Xmas gifts and cards but expect nothing in return. Low expectations means she cant disappoint you. She is your child and as such you should at least do the very basics. It must have been very difficult for her to live apart from you aged 13 and then to be blanked by you. Go see your GP for medication or a medication review to help with your mental health so that you can manage ups and downs a bit better.

snuggleswithmygirlies · 03/12/2023 22:03

Does she have anyone influencing her decision? a boyfriend or her dad?
You mentioned not having contact with the rest of the family, does she have contact with them and could they be bad mouthing you?
I'm just trying to get the bigger picture because it sounds like after many years she gave it another go and something has made her realise that it wasn't working out for her.
Sometimes that can be something or someone.

Singsonggsu · 03/12/2023 22:06

It sounds like your daughter is upset and confused too. A 13 year old won’t be able to make a deeply conscious decision about access with their parent. You are the adult and your DD is the child in this relationship even though she is technically an adult herself now.
It seems that you will always have ‘will she/wont she’ contact me anxiety around anniversaries etc with her. You can keep contact open through sending her cards etc which is what I would absolutely suggest. She may reply, she may not.
You can control what contact you make with her and how you react to her contact (or lack of) with you. But of course you cannot control what she does. Send the card. You will regret it if you don’t.

Dogcatmousecat · 03/12/2023 22:07

I personally would send a card . If you don't, that will be stressing you as well.
You are her Mum,you love her so pop it in the post with zero expectations.

FionnulaTheCooler · 03/12/2023 22:08

It would be interesting to hear things from her perspective as to why she suddenly cut contact again, although I know that's not going to happen.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/12/2023 22:08

send a card via moonpig

Livelovebehappy · 03/12/2023 22:31

She’s clearly stepped away to protect her mental health too. Respect that. Whatever happened when she was 13 is deep seated in her, and for whatever reason, she has seen or experienced something during the reconciliation that has made her realise she doesn’t want or need you in her life.

BackAgainstWall · 03/12/2023 22:34

Lead by a good example and send her one.

You are her mother, you are older and are supposed to be a good role model, not some petty woman she hardly knows up the road.

Lead - it’s your job and don’t expect anything back. She’s young, and precisely like you, she needs to learn.

TeenLifeMum · 03/12/2023 22:36

Your post suggests you have ended up nc with more family members than just dd? That’s not normal. I think there must be more to this.

I would send dd a card and not over thinking it any further than that. Being separated from your mum at 13 is traumatic so I’d be cutting her some slack and being more understanding.

Vinrouge4 · 03/12/2023 22:37

FionnulaTheCooler · 03/12/2023 22:08

It would be interesting to hear things from her perspective as to why she suddenly cut contact again, although I know that's not going to happen.

Yes. Two sides to every story.

DingDongMerrilyWithPie · 03/12/2023 22:39

FloweryName · 03/12/2023 21:53

I agree that you should send your dd a card.

13 year olds don’t choose to go no contact with their mothers for no reason and whatever issues there were throughout her childhood and adolescence won’t just have vanished for her. She has done what she needed to do to protect herself and while that might have hurt you, she is the child in this situation and she does deserve to have the door held open for her.

⬆️ this

Comedycook · 03/12/2023 22:39

I feel like this is very complicated and there's lots of missing parts...but yes, I do think you should send a card.

Greengagesnfennel · 03/12/2023 22:39

Send her a card. To deliberately not do so would be a mean and vindictive act because you are her mother. It is not the same as not sending a card to someone else.

Don't expect anything back as others have said.

I would also recommend you seek some counciling to help with your lack of empathy (you mention you are on the spectrum: this is showing in your behaviour and responses to your daughter. You are seeing the entire situation from your perspective.)

HippeePrincess · 03/12/2023 22:41

If you’d said your daughter was 10 years older I’d have thought you were my mother. There has to be more to this story, why are your other family members non contact with you?
Your reactions appear very extreme, do you have a particular mental health diagnosis?

GrumpyOldCrone · 03/12/2023 22:42

I’m going against the grain, but I’d say don’t send a card. If she has decided not to speak to you, accept her decision and don’t disrespect it by trying to contact her.

I think your anger is probably misplaced, although it’s understandable. Both you and she have been through a lot of emotional turmoil. You can’t re-establish a relationship unless you’re prepared to give some ground. But that will have to be on her terms because you are her mother and she is your daughter. It’s your job to be the emotionally mature person. Sorry it’s so difficult.

ChiIIieP · 03/12/2023 22:43

The fact that you have no relationship at all with any family member is telling. Maybe there's something in how you're dealing with things that you aren't seeing, but others are.

I'd send a card.

Maddy70 · 03/12/2023 22:43

Send the card ..