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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sending my estranged daughter a birthday card?

216 replies

MumNoMore · 03/12/2023 21:45

My 25yr old daughter and I reconnected 4 years ago after she chose to cut contact at 13 after her father’s and my divorce. I couldn’t have custody due to severe physical and chronic illness but it broke my heart.

I thought we had rebuilt a very good relationship with regular contact, until January when she suddenly cut me off again with no explanation or response to my messages and calls, that left me very confused and distressed since only the week before she told me how much she loved me.

She did send me a printed card from moonpig on my birthday, with a gift she knew I could not use (bath stuff..no bath) but no personal contact.
She posted across social media how much better she felt having made the decision to just focus on herself, and not have to think about anyone else.

That confused me (I’m on the spectrum) as I had always made the point of never complaining to her or asking for any help, ever, as I did not want to burden her with my health difficulties and depression which she did know about.

Its her birthday on Tuesday, and as much as I try to do the right thing, I cannot bring myself to send her even a card as I am still so very hurt and angry.

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

All the opinions seem to be to send one anyway as a good (even if unwanted) mother, to keep the door open in case she changes her mind and wants a relationship again. For me, that can never happen as I can’t forgive or trust her and risk my mental health being destroyed again.

It broke me to near suicide, and cannot spend the rest of my life anticipating for months and waiting to see if she sends a Xmas, Mother’s Day or birthday card again, reopening wounds of distress when she doesn’t respond to thank you messages I look for in the following days and weeks.

Is it selfish of me to be so protective of my unstable mental health that is already so challenged with being bedbound, depressed and alone, or does the fact she is my daughter trump all that as a priority I should put first and acknowledge as a mother?

Any opinions or advice is welcome, but you don’t have to tell me how crap I am at relationships, I am only too aware my autism makes me think and act differently that seems right to me, which is why I am reaching out.

OP posts:
SingleMum11 · 04/12/2023 01:02

YABVU

I had a father who left the family home when I was young and I hardly saw him. And for years has seen us as having to ‘equally put in the effort’ for a relationship.

No, if you, for whatever reason, as not around to be her mother when she was a child, you badly let her down.

You say you had health reasons, fair enough. But as a child, no one is there to replace you. So whether it was your ‘fault’ or not, you were not there for her.

So she will be carrying that around in her heart. And yet she still also wants a relationship with you as a mother now. But you flip at the slightest ‘not trying hard enough’ from her? You now have to really, massively step up.

If I were you I’d spend the next few years being her mum. You’ve no idea how much she probably really needs that. Being unconditional. No matter how flaky she is, just be there for her. In the end of that you may both have a partly healed relationship and both gain a lot from it.

Don’t be like my father. Who ‘forgot’ that he’d left me for years as a child, popping up whenever he felt like it. I never forgot. A child never does. And after years and years of him getting snippy with me if I didn’t send a thoughtful enough present, or visit him just as much as he did me exactly. I just don’t see him anymore and we have zero relationship.

SillyFeet · 04/12/2023 01:04

Regardless of anything, you are the parent, the adult. IMO it might hurt her if you don't send a card. You're her Mum whether you like it or not.

SunRainStorm · 04/12/2023 01:07

“I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.”

This is an incredibly rigid and unforgiving way to go through the world.

Relationships change, people disappoint each other. That's a part of life. If you cut people off forever because of how they were / what they did at a moment in time- I'm afraid you're setting an impossible standard.

Black and white thinking can be an autism trait. Is this something you would discuss in counselling? It might help to have some support and scaffolding around this.

I suspect my FIL is autistic. Similarly he doesn't speak with most of his family and is very black and white in his thinking. We made a decision he didn't like, and he said our relationship could not be repaired. That was four years ago- he's never met two of his grandchildren.

You can stick to your belief that people should behave as you think they 'should'. Or accept that people are as they are.

Your daughter hasn't had an easy childhood if she we separated from her mother at 13, and as the child of divorce and the child of a parent with chronic health issues etc. give her some slack.

Send a card. Don't expect a response.

Wishitsnows · 04/12/2023 01:09

Send a card but don’t expect a response. The thing that stuck out for me is even though you have made her life complicated you criticised her buying you a bath gift when you have a shower. There is something that is telling me she is better off without you in her life

SunRainStorm · 04/12/2023 01:10

FourChristmasDinners · 04/12/2023 00:59

I cut my mum out of my life. When she sends cards/cheques/gifts I find it annoying and they go in the bin. Will she even want anything from you? I’m not sure she will.

I don't think the daughter has cut her mother out, she sent a card and a present.

OP interpreted that as being estranged. I dont see it that way. The daughter is keeping the door open at least.

The Facebook post could be about anyone. It could be able stepping back as opposed to cutting someone off.

OP has jumped to the worst conclusion.

Birdcar · 04/12/2023 01:12

"I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t”

How is that working out? Has it led to a happy life for you and those around you?

SunRainStorm · 04/12/2023 01:16

The complaint about 'bath stuff' as a present jumps out as well.

It's like you're looking for offence OP.

'Bath stuff' is just one of those little luxury presents that most people like. A lot of bath stuff could be used in the shower or sink or a foot bath etc.

It's exhausting to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly offended. It's like walking on eggshells.

My FIL once blew up because I bought him a type of chocolates that I didn't like. He liked them. But he thought me choosing a kind I didn't like to give him was a deliberate 'fuck you'.

Shes made an effort buying you a card and present. It might have been an emotionally challenging thing for her to do for you, given your history. If the result is being criticised. Or punished by not receiving a card back herself. Then one can hardly blame her for stepping back. She can't win.

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/12/2023 01:18

FloweryName · 03/12/2023 21:53

I agree that you should send your dd a card.

13 year olds don’t choose to go no contact with their mothers for no reason and whatever issues there were throughout her childhood and adolescence won’t just have vanished for her. She has done what she needed to do to protect herself and while that might have hurt you, she is the child in this situation and she does deserve to have the door held open for her.

This.

I can imagine there is a backstory to this that would sound very different from her perspective.

RantyAnty · 04/12/2023 01:20

Don't be petty and mean and send a card

You seem to forget she was exposed to abuse and trauma and then you being ill and not able to care for her.
She went through all this as a child.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/12/2023 01:22

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

So it's not just your daughter. Well then you are very likely the common denominator in your issues with family. People simply wont hang around if this is your usual stance. Send the card if you want but as your daughter is one of those not in your life perhaps have a rethink about those values you've stated in terms of living your life, if you want to be close to her again

Mojolostforever · 04/12/2023 01:26

Fionaville · 03/12/2023 22:50

Still send her a card. I'm not meaning to be cruel, but with your various issues it could be that she finds you hard work and maybe she's stepped away because it effects her mental health negatively too. But by sending you a card for your birthday she's letting you know that she loves you and you are in her thoughts. So return the gesture. It says "You are still my daughter and I love you, even if we don't see each other" Don't expect anything back and you won't be disappointed.

This

MintJulia · 04/12/2023 01:35

Send a card. You are her mum. You chose that role and whatever she may think, she needs to know you are there for her, even is she can't say so right now.

Love isn't conditional.

Lookingatthesunset · 04/12/2023 01:46

FourChristmasDinners · 04/12/2023 00:59

I cut my mum out of my life. When she sends cards/cheques/gifts I find it annoying and they go in the bin. Will she even want anything from you? I’m not sure she will.

Your poor mother.

SunRainStorm · 04/12/2023 01:49

@Lookingatthesunset

You don't know what that poster has been put through to get to that point.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 04/12/2023 01:51

I think you should send it, but not exoect a response. You are her mother afterall and she sounds like she has issues

DC1888 · 04/12/2023 02:05

Spirallingdownwards · 03/12/2023 22:00

Send her one.

As another poster says don't expect a response and don't be angry if she doesn't respond.

It leaves the door open and can't be thrown back at you.

I'd echo this.

Think the best policy is to always try to be conciliatory.

We all make mistakes, so unless the other person has done something egregious we should leave a door open for any future relationship.

Delphinium20 · 04/12/2023 02:08

It doesn't sound like she was abusive to you, rather decided to cut contact (and seemed to possibly learn that from your side of the family).

Be the adult and send her a card. Protect your mental health by telling yourself you don't expect anything in return. You sending a card simply says, "I love you." It doesn't say, "You have to be back in my life or I'll commit suicide."

You love your daughter. Send her the card telling her that. It's the simple truth.

Skye99 · 04/12/2023 02:09

Birdcar · 04/12/2023 01:12

"I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t”

How is that working out? Has it led to a happy life for you and those around you?

I agree with this. Send a card. Try counselling, where you can gain understanding of her point of view and how best to support her.

Lookingatthesunset · 04/12/2023 02:11

SunRainStorm · 04/12/2023 01:49

@Lookingatthesunset

You don't know what that poster has been put through to get to that point.

I don't, but her mother is still trying to make contact with her, and make an effort to show she remembers and cares about her. Surely, with support, there could be some middle ground? Imagine, whatever happened between them, being that mother trying to be thoughtful, sending cards, presents, cheques - and always being disappointed? You don't know how this poster has behaved towards her mother either. I just think it's very sad. It would break my heart if one of my DC did this to me. I like to think, and hope to god, that they never would.

@MumNoMore - of your full post, this bit jumped out at me, "I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good."

You come across as cold and inflexible. Nobody is perfect in life. We're all flawed - you are too - and it sounds as if it's one strike and you're out, so far as you are concerned. Human relationships aren't so black and white. I think you need some kind of therapy to help you in conducting relationships - speak to your GP. I say this with kindness, but you do seem to be a difficult person to have a close relationship with? Is that fair to say, do you think?

As for your daughter, I am sure she is every bit as confused and distressed as you are. Maybe she is also autistic, as you are? Maybe she's also nearly been driven to suicide? Remember she was only 13 when her life was torn apart. What 13 year old girl actively wants to be estranged from her mother? She must also have been influenced by her father, who may well have been embittered by the divorce.

Again, with kindness, you need to take responsibility here. You had your very valid reasons, but your inability to look after your DD must have felt like a huge rejection to her. Yet she gave you another chance, and you built a relationship. You need to find a way to think yourself into her shoes, and you need to make up for that lost time. Not her. She was only a child, and it was forced on her.

Nobody puts a post like that on social media unless they are struggling with something. Through no fault of your own, she already must feel let down. She will have watched her friends, their mothers, their families throughout those crucial years of growing up and have realised that something was hugely different, and missing, in her life. Yet she let you back in. She gave you another chance to be her mum. Drop her now, and I doubt you will get a chance again. You need to allow her her time to process things just as much as you have, and you need to think about all the grief and hurt she has felt, not just what you have been through. If anything, it must have been worse for her - she was an adolescent with so much growing up to do!

Please send her a card and a gift, with love. Give her space, give her time. But work on yourself with support.

I'm glad that you have reached out, and I hope that something in the many responses here will touch your heart x

Gremlinsateit · 04/12/2023 02:15

Send a card and a small gift every Xmas and birthday, with no expectation of return, because you are the mother. I hope things improve for you.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 04/12/2023 02:37

No gift, but do send a card.

wjpa · 04/12/2023 02:38

If you are on the spectrum, it’s likely she is too. However things appear. Just hear that in mind.

I think send a card. Whilst I can accept your stance of “you’re either in my life and love me…” in relation to most family/friends, I don’t think you can apply it to your own child. As the parent, I’d leave the door open forever. I’d send a card and if you can, I’d enclose something she would like or a gift card.

HoppingPavlova · 04/12/2023 02:41

This is one of those posts where you know other people’s interpretation of the situation will be completely different. It would be interesting to hear the daughters point of view, and also other family members as it seems a tad coincidental that OP is NC with everyone.

A 13yo does not go NC for no reason. Either she had a reason, or it was parental alienation due to her father?

Ger1atricMillennial · 04/12/2023 02:43

We can all rationalise whether you should or shouldn't send a card to your daughter, will only be based only our own experiences and therefore not really helpful to you.

I would imagine speaking to you again would have been very confronting for her. She sounds like she has experienced some mental health symptoms that could be similar to what you are experiencing now.

On the spectrum or not, being suicidal is a flag that you should not ignore, get some help or escalate any help that you are currently receiving for your mental health. Even just speaking to the Samaritans can be a good first step.

user1492757084 · 04/12/2023 03:22

Send her a card. She is your daughter and it costs you hardly a thing to remember her birthday.
You can't know exactly the woes inside another human.
You gain nothing going through life being judgemental. She, like you, does her best and no one's best is perfect or the same as another person.

Expect no response. Send it to GIVE with no strings.
It's not always about you; it's her birthday and she sent you something even though you are not perfect in her eyes.

Attend to you mental health by seeing a counsellor and taking the attitude that you are the one responsible for your own happiness and well being. Grow a resilient spine and live with some disharmony like every one else.