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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sending my estranged daughter a birthday card?

216 replies

MumNoMore · 03/12/2023 21:45

My 25yr old daughter and I reconnected 4 years ago after she chose to cut contact at 13 after her father’s and my divorce. I couldn’t have custody due to severe physical and chronic illness but it broke my heart.

I thought we had rebuilt a very good relationship with regular contact, until January when she suddenly cut me off again with no explanation or response to my messages and calls, that left me very confused and distressed since only the week before she told me how much she loved me.

She did send me a printed card from moonpig on my birthday, with a gift she knew I could not use (bath stuff..no bath) but no personal contact.
She posted across social media how much better she felt having made the decision to just focus on herself, and not have to think about anyone else.

That confused me (I’m on the spectrum) as I had always made the point of never complaining to her or asking for any help, ever, as I did not want to burden her with my health difficulties and depression which she did know about.

Its her birthday on Tuesday, and as much as I try to do the right thing, I cannot bring myself to send her even a card as I am still so very hurt and angry.

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

All the opinions seem to be to send one anyway as a good (even if unwanted) mother, to keep the door open in case she changes her mind and wants a relationship again. For me, that can never happen as I can’t forgive or trust her and risk my mental health being destroyed again.

It broke me to near suicide, and cannot spend the rest of my life anticipating for months and waiting to see if she sends a Xmas, Mother’s Day or birthday card again, reopening wounds of distress when she doesn’t respond to thank you messages I look for in the following days and weeks.

Is it selfish of me to be so protective of my unstable mental health that is already so challenged with being bedbound, depressed and alone, or does the fact she is my daughter trump all that as a priority I should put first and acknowledge as a mother?

Any opinions or advice is welcome, but you don’t have to tell me how crap I am at relationships, I am only too aware my autism makes me think and act differently that seems right to me, which is why I am reaching out.

OP posts:
FrancisSeaton · 03/12/2023 22:43

You sound very critical of your daughter- I wonder if that's why she decided to go no contact from a young age. It's awful living with a hyper critical parent especially when they just won't acknowledge their part in it

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/12/2023 22:45

Send a card and a small gift and keep sending them. You are the mother, it is too important not to keep the door to your child open

wedloh · 03/12/2023 22:45

send her a simple moonpig card with some flowers and no expectations.

You will regret not keeping that door open.

OnlyFannys · 03/12/2023 22:46

There is so much info missing here, its very "me" centred post. I would like to know the reasons she cut contact at 13 as there would need to be a very strong backstory there. You have cut off a lot of people from the sound of it but there is one common denominator there so perhaps you need to think more about your relationships and how you are interacting with people

Fionaville · 03/12/2023 22:50

Still send her a card. I'm not meaning to be cruel, but with your various issues it could be that she finds you hard work and maybe she's stepped away because it effects her mental health negatively too. But by sending you a card for your birthday she's letting you know that she loves you and you are in her thoughts. So return the gesture. It says "You are still my daughter and I love you, even if we don't see each other" Don't expect anything back and you won't be disappointed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2023 22:52

You don’t sound at all concerned about her, just very angry. Aren’t you worried about what’s upset her so much she’s cut contact when she was saying she loved you and things seemed to be going well? If you’ll resent sending your daughter a card then don’t.

I feel desperately sad for her, I hope she has other family.

HamBone · 03/12/2023 22:59

BackAgainstWall · 03/12/2023 22:34

Lead by a good example and send her one.

You are her mother, you are older and are supposed to be a good role model, not some petty woman she hardly knows up the road.

Lead - it’s your job and don’t expect anything back. She’s young, and precisely like you, she needs to learn.

@BackAgainstWall ’s advice may sound harsh, but I agree with it. It’s on you to reach out and try to repair this relationship, because 13-year-olds don’t cut contact with parents unless they feel that they have no choice. She’s reestablished contact but is now clearly struggling again- why is that? Are you leaning on her too much, for example?

Chuckiee · 03/12/2023 23:00

You are her mother. Send her a card. Send her your love.

merrymelodies · 03/12/2023 23:01

As a mum, I'd keep trying. Send a card - it's not that much effort, surely?

LightSpeeds · 03/12/2023 23:02

Relationships with children can be fraught. Maybe it's best to let them close the doors rather than you doing it.

Do the bare minimum. A card and brief message but try to keep yourself emotionally disengaged about it.

Onabench · 03/12/2023 23:03

You’re her mother, of course you send her a card. In my experience, 95% of the time when a child is not in regular contact with their parent, it’s not that child’s fault. She was only 13. A child. How can you hold that against her.

mamma65432 · 03/12/2023 23:07

It might be worth trying to understand why she choose to cut contact and then decide if sending a card might help or not.

Malarandras · 03/12/2023 23:08

Taking everything that has been said at face value, which is all any of us readers can do, there are a few quite concerning comments in the OP. Perhaps think carefully about who you would be sending the card for - your daughter or yourself? If it’s supposed to be for her think carefully about whether it will actually benefit her. Also perhaps consider somewhere more robust and reliable than an anonymous message board for advice on such a serious issue…

ExTheCheater · 03/12/2023 23:09

Children are for life not just for Christmas. Send the card. Yabu.

ExpressionSession · 03/12/2023 23:11

I think that relationships require two way conversations and a capacity from both people to recognise and respect the needs of both people to be met in communication. Parental relationships with children are somewhat different though and imho parents have more responsibility in them than children for the most part.

I don’t think that is possible between you for whatever reasons. You don’t seem to have the capacity to imagine what her side might be in this and she seems to end communication with you in a way that you feel seriously harmed by. You both need to open up space for the other but sometimes for a variety of reasons people don’t have the capacity for that.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 03/12/2023 23:16

tenbob · 03/12/2023 21:52

“I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.”

This jumped out at me.

If you are a full ‘my way or the highway’ person, it’s easy to see how she got to the point of having to cut contact with you.

I guess it’s up to you to decide whether you continue to live by a frankly awful set of rules, and spend the rest of your days with the consequences, or get some help to foster a healthier mindset that allows enough flexibility to allow for some sort of relationship in the future.

I agree, it jumped out at me as well. Yes it makes sense to cut people out who hurt or treat you badly but at some point if you end up cutting everyone out of your life, maybe you're the problem.

I'm sure the daughter didn't just recently cut her off for no reason. OP is on the spectrum so it's possible she doesn't realize what she's done to upset her daughter. We can't tell without her daughter's side of the story.

Ghentsummer · 03/12/2023 23:18

You say one of your challenges is being alone but can you not see that you are, at least in part, the architect of that? You cut people out of your life easily, you don't forgive, you don't give second chances. All humans mess up sometimes, yourself included. If you can't be OK with that then you will always be alone.

iLovee · 03/12/2023 23:20

If you have no one left in your life it sounds as though it might be your fault.

I would send the card and a bunch of flowers with no expectations.

13 year olds dont cut off contact lightly, I would try to see things from your daughters perspective. Whilst i appreciate that might be tricky depending on where you fall on the autistic spectrum, its not impossible.

Best of luck to you xxx

AthenaPopodopolous · 03/12/2023 23:21

Don’t send a card as it will send your daughter the message that you respect her wishes that she wants no contact. If she’s made a grown up decision to cut contact then damn we’ll show her that two can play that game.
And don’t stand for nonsense like this. Too many adult children fail to show compassion and forgiveness for parents, blaming them for their own shortcomings in life. I say to hell with her and move on with your own life, she’s a disgrace to cut you out without telling you why.

iLovee · 03/12/2023 23:26

AthenaPopodopolous · 03/12/2023 23:21

Don’t send a card as it will send your daughter the message that you respect her wishes that she wants no contact. If she’s made a grown up decision to cut contact then damn we’ll show her that two can play that game.
And don’t stand for nonsense like this. Too many adult children fail to show compassion and forgiveness for parents, blaming them for their own shortcomings in life. I say to hell with her and move on with your own life, she’s a disgrace to cut you out without telling you why.

Her daughter cut contact at 13!! You must realise that there was a traumatic incident behind it 😳

Surely the parent needs to first show compassion and forgiveness to their child too?

Relationships are a two way street, but any decent parent would put their childrens feelings before their own.

Yoloohno · 03/12/2023 23:35

Please send her a card.

Ive had a troubled relationship with my 23 year old over the last 6 months due to unwise decisions she’s made. We didn’t speak for a couple of months.

But she’s still my daughter and I have to accept her decisions and I have some very difficult conversations and we’ll never have the same relationship. But we have a different more grown up one.

MsRosley · 03/12/2023 23:38

This is MN, so children are never wrong, even when they're adults, which means according to most posters, your needs will never count.

I say bollocks to that. You've tried you're best. You get to give up and not bother any more, and salvage some happiness for yourself.

Orphlids · 03/12/2023 23:38

Your DD told you recently that she loved you, but she STILL felt it necessary to cut contact with you. As a human being, one of her strongest instincts will be to seek love and protection from her mother. She has made an incredibly difficult decision to cut contact with you, one that she is most likely wrestling with daily. Your OP is noticeably lacking in concern about your daughter’s wellbeing, but focuses on your own suffering. This gives us an insight into her possible motivations for cutting you out. If my DD cut contact with me, I would be primarily concerned with her welfare. Send her a card if you think it would be nice for her to receive one. Try to behave in ways which would have a positive impact on her.

charlotte361 · 03/12/2023 23:39

You are the parent. You never give up on your child!

sandyhappypeople · 03/12/2023 23:40

I think sometimes it's easier not to have contact with someone when it causes difficulty for you for whatever reason, she may have just decided that having regular contact with you is too taxing, maybe through no fault of your own, then once too much time has passed it becomes difficult to re-connect. The fact that she sent you a birthday card is quite a good sign though I'd say, as it means she still thinks about you.

I seem to be able to compartmentalise things a lot, I had quite a traumatic upbringing and I seem to be able to remove myself from certain hurtful situations by just not thinking about them at all, sometimes that means being no contact with people, and I really don't think about them at all in my day to day life, it's not intentional, sometimes I'm surprised at how little these things bother me when they should, and I recognise that it's not particularly healthy, but I think it's a defence mechanism instilled in me from a young age that serves to protect me from further hurt. Maybe your daughter is similar, we were both around the same age when the trauma started and at that age you're old enough to understand what's going on, but not old/mature enough to have any say, that lack of control can be really difficult to cope with, I think saying she 'cut off contact' with you at 13 may be a tad simplistic.

Send the card though, maybe with a note to say you think about her often and hope she is doing okay, and you'll be there if she ever needs you.

At the very least she'll know that you're thinking about her too.