Not sending my estranged daughter a birthday card?

[MumNoMore]

My 25yr old daughter and I reconnected 4 years ago after she chose to cut contact at 13 after her father’s and my divorce. I couldn’t have custody due to severe physical and chronic illness but it broke my heart.

I thought we had rebuilt a very good relationship with regular contact, until January when she suddenly cut me off again with no explanation or response to my messages and calls, that left me very confused and distressed since only the week before she told me how much she loved me.

She did send me a printed card from moonpig on my birthday, with a gift she knew I could not use (bath stuff..no bath) but no personal contact.
She posted across social media how much better she felt having made the decision to just focus on herself, and not have to think about anyone else.

That confused me (I’m on the spectrum) as I had always made the point of never complaining to her or asking for any help, ever, as I did not want to burden her with my health difficulties and depression which she did know about.

Its her birthday on Tuesday, and as much as I try to do the right thing, I cannot bring myself to send her even a card as I am still so very hurt and angry.

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

All the opinions seem to be to send one anyway as a good (even if unwanted) mother, to keep the door open in case she changes her mind and wants a relationship again. For me, that can never happen as I can’t forgive or trust her and risk my mental health being destroyed again.

It broke me to near suicide, and cannot spend the rest of my life anticipating for months and waiting to see if she sends a Xmas, Mother’s Day or birthday card again, reopening wounds of distress when she doesn’t respond to thank you messages I look for in the following days and weeks.

Is it selfish of me to be so protective of my unstable mental health that is already so challenged with being bedbound, depressed and alone, or does the fact she is my daughter trump all that as a priority I should put first and acknowledge as a mother?

Any opinions or advice is welcome, but you don’t have to tell me how crap I am at relationships, I am only too aware my autism makes me think and act differently that seems right to me, which is why I am reaching out.

Sending her a card (and a gift. I liked the suggested flowers) would be good. It doesn’t seem (based on her sending you a birthday card as well) and ignoring your daughter’s birthday would send a message.

I would however encourage you to think very carefully about what to put in that card and why you’d be sending it.

Going into this with expectations (such as a response) or a “me-centred” approach seems like a bad idea.

A birthday card (and or gift) should be given with the intention to please / benefit the recipient. I would therefore strongly encourage you to keep that in mind.

I don't know where to start with this

No compassion as to why a 13 year old cut ties?
No wondering why the OP has cut ties with the rest of her family?

No knowledge as to if the OP being ND has had a huge impact on both herself and her family and whether she's sought any help for this

Your response is very harsh and way too black and white to address the issue

This is very much one of those posts where it's impossible to give advice without hearing the other side of the story. My guess is that your daughter has a very different interpretation of these events, not least because you don't seem to be considering your daughter's feelings at all. Your entire post is about what YOU want and how YOU think relationships should be and what YOU think she should do on your birthday etc.

I'm interested that you're complaining about the card because it was from Moonpig and the gift because it was bath stuff and you don't have a bath. Given that you don't see a lot of your daughter, did she even remember/know that you don't have a bath? I'm fairly sure she didn't deliberately go out and spend money on something that she knew would go in the bin. And who cares whether it was a bloody Moonpig card or not? She still remembered it was your birthday and chose a card to send you. Given that for years you didn't see each other at all, I think in your position I would have been pleased to hear from her, full stop. You cannot expect to have an ultra-close and cosy relationship with someone you didn't see between the ages of 13 and 21. You can't expect it all to be on your terms and for everyone else's behaviour to meet your precise requirements.

Your comment about 'either you're in my life or you're not' is real red flag for me. That's quite a big ask of someone who you had no relationship with for seven or eight years while she was growing up. I think putting an 'all or nothing' slant on your relationship is probably quite difficult for her. You don't have any contact with any of your family and believe that 'once the door is closed it's closed for good'. That is very uncompromising. You've cut contact with your whole family and you're also considering cutting contact with your daughter. The common denominator here is you.

I also think that I had always made the point of never complaining to her or asking for any help is an interesting and possibly quite a revealing thing to say. Your daughter hasn't, as far as I can tell, actually suggested otherwise. The bar for a healthy relationship isn't set at 'not complaining or asking for help'. There is more to it than that. You keep talking about the effect on YOUR mental health but has it not occurred to you that your daughter also has feelings and that HER mental health might also be suffering? Your post is all about your health issues, your depression, your opinion that relationships are all-or-nothing... you don't seem to be considering any feelings that your daughter might have. Do you think it's easy for a 13-year-old to cut contact with her mother? That doesn't come from nowhere. It's probably had a huge effect on her mental health over the years.

FWIW, I also think that expecting a message of thanks for a birthday card is probably quite unusual. Do you think she should individually thank everyone who sends her a card, or just you? I don't message all my friends to say thank you for a birthday card and I wouldn't expect them to do the same for me.

She posted across social media how much better she felt having made the decision to just focus on herself, and not have to think about anyone else.

Did she actually mention you in these posts? How do you know she was talking about her relationship with you?

I meant to write: It doesn’t seem intrusive (based on her sending you a birthday card as well) and ignoring your daughter’s birthday would send a message.

It's people who say stuff like this that used to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. But actually I was sexually abused by my dad and my brother and mother stated that yes he was a "bit inappropriate" but he was still my dad. So I went no contact.

My dd at 13 also wanted nothing to do with me as her dad was feeding her poisonous lies about me. Now she is 25 we couldn't be closer and it's her dad whom she has no relationship with.

But 12 years ago I am sure people like you judged me when they knew nothing about how I came to this point.

Op I get that wounded feeling when it comes to special days. I spent so many mothers days and Xmas days feeling like my heart was broken. But always always be the bigger person. This is not tit for tat. You obviously still love her. So send her a card. Write that you love her and are there for her no matter when she needs you. But have no expectation of any reply or future cards from her to protect yourself. And stay off social media on these dates too. The comparison nearly killed me for all those long years when we were low contact.

@sandrapinchedmysandwich I just want to say on here that you are absolutely 100% not in the wrong here. The multiple estrangements for one person is absolutely necessary your situation and it is extremely common for people treated the way you were to pick less than appropriate partners given the role modelling for relationships you were taught growing up. I’ve pm’ed you.

What help are you getting for your mental health?
Are you having any counselling?
Why do you assume your daughter sending you bath products was a deliberate insult? Are you able to see that if you're relationship is patchy she may have forgotten or not realised that you are unable to take a bath? Why take offence?
You have two choices here, get counselling and reflect on your own cognitive schema and look at rebuilding relationships. Or go no contact, but would going no contact and shutting the door on relationships really help your mental health? I'm just not sure, because reading your OP, I think you DO want to rebuild that relationship. But I think you need to acknowledge that "you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good."
Is setting yourself up for hurt. Have you stopped to think that she is mirroring your own actions?
You also need some therapy about anticipating receiving cards on special days, don't take offence if she doesn't, she needs time to readjust to the status quo of having her mother back in her life, and you need to learn to accept that readjustment.
Sounds like you both need lots of therapy and help to put previous misunderstandings and hurt aside.
I wish you both well.

Hi OP

I am someone who's been NC and LC with both bio parents at different times in my life due to abuse in the home/parental mental illness & hospitalisation/social services involvement and eventual removal from my bio parents at 14.

So I like to think I have some experience of the highly complex emotions and issues this type of situation causes. It's horrendously painful for all involved.

I genuinely find your OP chilling. You've already made your decision, so much so that your username is @MumNoMore

Your inflexibility and petty attitude towards your daughter is really chilling to me. So black and white. And no it's not just to do with being ND. ND people aren't cold or unforgiving. In my experience they're often more empathetic than most because they know what it's like to be an outsider.

I don't really know what to say to you and I'm unsure why you even posted because you've clearly made your decision and there's coldness and infleibiity running through every line of your OP.

I would just say that if these highly complex and painful familial situations are ever to reach some form of tentative resolution, then a capacity to FORGIVE is vital on all sides.

I hope you find that capacity and I hope your daughter does. I've found your post very upsetting. I really wish you well and I hope that you feel able to take some steps to improve your relationships and relieve your loneliness, very, very soon.

Dont send one.

Send a card.
She is your CHILD (now adult but still a pretty young adult)
You chose to have her & that means you should remember her for all your life.
She may or may not respond. But that isn't the point - no expectations needed.

If you do genuinely want a relationship with her remember there are a lot of bridges to build & it's not about you - it's about her.

In my opinion, you chose to be a mum so be one. Dont expect anything back.

Your job is to be there not to passive aggressively play games by assuming a random Facebook post is about you and getting the jump and waiting for her to be a better daughter.

Unless you went to court for access and had it refused because she expressly said no contact there then frankly you've let her down by copping out and saying it was her choice. 13 year olds dont have adult rights and responsibilities for good reason.

I reckon your DD still hasn't got over the separation from you and she's constantly conflicted about your relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't continuing to 'punish' you for as she sees it abandoning her.

sometimes that separation anxiety lasts a lifetime, sometimes the child never ever gets over it, and flip flops back and forth between wanting to love you but from time to time the hurt and anger spills out.

i don't have an answer to whether you should send a birthday card, but if what I've said resonates, at least you can understand her state of mind.

This is just selfish.

Loving someone does not mean it is healthy for you to be around them. It sounds like it all got a bit much for your daughter and she has taken a step back for her own mental health but she has made an effort not to totally break all contact, she still sent you a card and gift so you should do the same.

You may never have the typical mother/daughter relationship, but you can have a relationship of some sort but only if you are BOTH comfortable with it. Your 'my way or the highway' approach to relationships will only ever make the other person miserable and from what you have said, you too. I know it's hard to change but if you want your daughter to be happy and you want to be happy, you're going to have to be more flexible.

As an autistic mother of autistic children who was brought up by autistic parents I couldn't disagree with you more. My children should not have to be understanding of me more than I of them, autism or not. It is my job as a parent to ensure that my autism does not negatively affect them or our relationship as I am the parent and I chose to be a parent.

I grew up with a parent whose comfort/opinion/difficulties trumped everyone and everything else and could never be challenged or disrupted and it was extremely traumatising. None us siblings emerged unscathed and we have all experienced mental health, abusive relationships and addiction issues. The only way to stop the cycle of abuse in autistic families is for the parents to identify their own struggles and do everything they can to ensure they do not affect the next generation.

This