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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sending my estranged daughter a birthday card?

216 replies

MumNoMore · 03/12/2023 21:45

My 25yr old daughter and I reconnected 4 years ago after she chose to cut contact at 13 after her father’s and my divorce. I couldn’t have custody due to severe physical and chronic illness but it broke my heart.

I thought we had rebuilt a very good relationship with regular contact, until January when she suddenly cut me off again with no explanation or response to my messages and calls, that left me very confused and distressed since only the week before she told me how much she loved me.

She did send me a printed card from moonpig on my birthday, with a gift she knew I could not use (bath stuff..no bath) but no personal contact.
She posted across social media how much better she felt having made the decision to just focus on herself, and not have to think about anyone else.

That confused me (I’m on the spectrum) as I had always made the point of never complaining to her or asking for any help, ever, as I did not want to burden her with my health difficulties and depression which she did know about.

Its her birthday on Tuesday, and as much as I try to do the right thing, I cannot bring myself to send her even a card as I am still so very hurt and angry.

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

All the opinions seem to be to send one anyway as a good (even if unwanted) mother, to keep the door open in case she changes her mind and wants a relationship again. For me, that can never happen as I can’t forgive or trust her and risk my mental health being destroyed again.

It broke me to near suicide, and cannot spend the rest of my life anticipating for months and waiting to see if she sends a Xmas, Mother’s Day or birthday card again, reopening wounds of distress when she doesn’t respond to thank you messages I look for in the following days and weeks.

Is it selfish of me to be so protective of my unstable mental health that is already so challenged with being bedbound, depressed and alone, or does the fact she is my daughter trump all that as a priority I should put first and acknowledge as a mother?

Any opinions or advice is welcome, but you don’t have to tell me how crap I am at relationships, I am only too aware my autism makes me think and act differently that seems right to me, which is why I am reaching out.

OP posts:
Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 03/12/2023 23:45

I wouldn't send the card.
She's gone NC with you, that card will most likely feel very intrusive to her. If she wants to be left alone, leave her alone.

Avatartar · 03/12/2023 23:47

Send one, the pair of you have a lifetime of healing ahead of you. Although you are suffering g, she was a child when all this emotional upheaval was unfolding. It sounds like you both need therapy both individually and possibly together. Don’t close the door ot it may never reopen

Zanatdy · 03/12/2023 23:55

If you genuinely mean what you say then no don’t send the card. If it’s already a case of tough I can’t risk you doing this again in future then I really don’t think you should send it and suggest the door’s open when it’s not. What do I think you should do? Send the card. She’s your daughter and she’s clearly stepped back for a reason too. Maybe you both need that break and things will work out again. Don’t cut that chance p

ChanelNo19EDT · 03/12/2023 23:58

Send a card, not sending one is a statement you don't want to make when the relationship is fragile

NotTerfNorCis · 04/12/2023 00:04

I would try to keep communications open. Being inflexible and cutting people off forever because of a bad patch is destructive. It sounds like she's being self centred, but she's young. Hopefully things will change.

Neverpostagain · 04/12/2023 00:06

No. If your mental health is as fragile as you say it is, then you have to protect yourself. It actually doesn't matter what happened in the past or your daughters reasons for going no contact. Interaction with her could damage you so you say, so actually I think you should step back. In not contacting you, you are also respecting her wishes.

SnowWineBooks · 04/12/2023 00:10

Send a card. To be quite honest it sounds like it will have been quite challenging for her growing up and I think you need to reflect on that and try and make amends.

Your mental health isn't actually your daughter's fault so that's quite irrelevant to if you should send her a card.

Lavender14 · 04/12/2023 00:16

I think it sounds like there's a lot more going on here than what you've shared (which is understandable for a quick online post). But I think there's clearly been a backstory that's led to a 13 year old having no contact with her mum regardless of fault or blame or anything else that in itself is difficult and complex. Her feelings about it will also be difficult and complex.

When people reunite after a long time it can be very up and down, often with a bit of a honey moon period and then the cracks and the hurt shows up again. It sounds from what she's posted like she's felt overwhelmed for whatever reason and you haven't been aware of that which has left you feeling blindsided. But she's allowed to take a moment to protect her feelings and wellbeing as well. Often people bury the old hurts because they want to be in touch and they want to protect the relationship, but sometimes those hurts get triggered and will come back up again meaning the person needs to step back.

The way you speak about your boundaries with others does seem very ruthless. I understand that comes from self preservation but equally that's a lot for anyone to try and live up to. People do make mistakes and get things wrong and hurt others without meaning to. We're all flawed. So I agree with others this is maybe something to reflect on in therapy just to check in that your boundaries aren't a little too tight and leaving you isolated as a result. It's very hard to say from your post if they are or aren't too tight for sure so the reflection with a therapist is the best way to do that.

I do think that being a mother involves a natural level of sacrifice. I don't think the responsibility for contact etc should fall to the child even if they are an adult child. I do think it's your job to persevere and I'd consider and reflect on your reaction to her cutting contact and stepping back. Could anything you've said or done since she's stepped back have exacerbated things for her while you've been angry and hurt and trying to get answers? Could there be anyone else influencing her decision?

Obviously this is very painful for you and I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of this. You deserve some good support around you and I think overall time is a great healer. Send the card, let her know that you do still care (you do because otherwise it wouldn't hurt) and do the self reflection.

Another option to consider is to send her a letter, at a separate time, saying that you are confused and you're aware that at times you misread situations and people and you really do want to understand what happened so that you can hold yourself accountable if you've contributed to the relationship breaking down again. I'd say that you were really enjoying being back in touch and if you did anything wrong you'd like to know and maybe you could both agree some clear boundaries and tentatively reestablish contact, if she wants to. But the key is not expecting anything to necessarily come back from her. You might get some answers but you also may not.

Self care and investing your time in friends and hobbies and trying to keep yourself busy will be important regardless of what you decide to do.

caringcarer · 04/12/2023 00:18

There was a period of my life when my DD refused to speak to me for 5 years. Basically because I divorced her Dad. Her 2 brothers accepted my decision to divorce. About a year before she got married she asked her brother to ask me if I wanted to meet up with her. I went. She invited me to her wedding. I accepted and went. It's been 8 years now and she has given me 2 wonderful DGS's. I've tried so hard but I can't forget how hurt and empty I felt during those 5 years. I've forgiven her and I visit her a few times each year and she visits me a few times each year but I feel like I can't trust her anymore. I'm always afraid she might do something like it again and it would be worse because I'd lose contact with my 2 DGS's too. Unless you have experienced it a person can't begin to imagine the deep pain and hurt it causes. Do what feels best for you OP. What will make you feel best? If it's too painful to send a card or even think about your DD then don't force yourself to do so. In time she might come back to you under her own steam but at the moment anything you say or do she will likely reject and it will make you feel even worse.

Chiar · 04/12/2023 00:24

Are there maybe some more shades of grey around this? Are you really sure it's not possible for you to find any way to put a card and envelope in the post without it causing huge damage to your mental health? Because to me that sounds like a bit of a leap, and worth exploring if it's not quite so clear cut.

I think you should send a card. In years to come you'll be more likely to regret not sending one than sending one.

Gingerkittykat · 04/12/2023 00:28

There is a lot more than autism going on for you to have no relationship with all of your family (I say this as an autistic woman myself).

Send a card, she sent you a card showing she cares and thinks about you, try and keep some relationship going even if it is through moonpig cards.

p.s. my sister regularly buys me bath bomb type stuff even though I have a shower. It's not a sign she doesn't care, just a mistake!

starlightcan · 04/12/2023 00:31

tenbob · 03/12/2023 21:52

“I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.”

This jumped out at me.

If you are a full ‘my way or the highway’ person, it’s easy to see how she got to the point of having to cut contact with you.

I guess it’s up to you to decide whether you continue to live by a frankly awful set of rules, and spend the rest of your days with the consequences, or get some help to foster a healthier mindset that allows enough flexibility to allow for some sort of relationship in the future.

Indeed.

OP, send the card, accept you might not hear back immediately. Your daughter is so young, you need to be the parent, not the child.

moomoomoo27 · 04/12/2023 00:40

I would send the card but I wouldn't trust moonpig to do it, they sent me someone else's card instead last year and it took me ages to find out who had actually tried to send me something. In this kind of situation it could be really damaging as you wouldn't hear from her and she'd think you hadn't sent anything.

JANEY205 · 04/12/2023 00:40

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supersuss · 04/12/2023 00:47

You sound a bit like my mother, who I have had to go NC with. I do still love her very much and hope we'll find a way to have a functional relationship in the future. But right now, the distress she causes me outweighs the sadness and guilt around being NC. So I'd say send the card.

One of the issues with my mother is that she can be quite cold towards others but is extremely sensitive herself. She is also very proud, and black and white thinking. It feels impossible for me to raise any issues I have with her (however gently I try do it) because she gets very hurt and then immediately says something like "well it's best we just don't talk anymore" instead of trying to understand why I'm hurt in the first place.

For me, this was ultimately the reason I cut contact. I know there are issues in any relationship, but I can't keep trying with someone who refuses to listen and doesn't even pretend to want to try and solve said issues.

Have you tried listening to, and really thinking about, the reasons your daughter feels she needs to cut contact? Is the way you've handled conflict (or refuses to handle it) perhaps the reason why she feels she can't have a relationship with you right now?

Anyway, definitely send the card and keep contact open - I would be really sad not to get one.

supersuss · 04/12/2023 00:49

Oh, and my mother also thought there was no real reason for me going NC, although I'd actually tried talking to her about the very reason millions of times and told her in my last messages...

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 00:49

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Wow this is harsh

uncomfortablydumb53 · 04/12/2023 00:50

Reading between the lines of your post , this will have been a complicated situation for your DD at 13
Send a card. Don't slam the door shut yet

fuchsteufelswild · 04/12/2023 00:51

@tenbob Spot on I think.

@JANEY205 That's a terrible response.

Creepybookworm · 04/12/2023 00:55

All I hear in your message is me me me me. That is unusual for a mother so I wonder if that is part of the problem.

Firefly1987 · 04/12/2023 00:56

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

What does that mean exactly? Do people have to keep proving their love and loyalty to you? Do you devise tests for them?

WandaWonder · 04/12/2023 00:56

Put her first for once (it is coming across that way to me) send the card

Birdcar · 04/12/2023 00:58

Why are you asking for advice when you've already made up your mind?

FourChristmasDinners · 04/12/2023 00:59

I cut my mum out of my life. When she sends cards/cheques/gifts I find it annoying and they go in the bin. Will she even want anything from you? I’m not sure she will.

Geppili · 04/12/2023 01:01

Omg! just send her a beautiful card with a generous cheque in it AND don't expect thanks or acknowledgment. Just do it because she is the child and you are the parent. You owe her. Not the other way round. She is the important one! These are her golden days! She is 25! Be humble and stop with all this rigidity and self absorption.