Not sending my estranged daughter a birthday card?

[MumNoMore]

My 25yr old daughter and I reconnected 4 years ago after she chose to cut contact at 13 after her father’s and my divorce. I couldn’t have custody due to severe physical and chronic illness but it broke my heart.

I thought we had rebuilt a very good relationship with regular contact, until January when she suddenly cut me off again with no explanation or response to my messages and calls, that left me very confused and distressed since only the week before she told me how much she loved me.

She did send me a printed card from moonpig on my birthday, with a gift she knew I could not use (bath stuff..no bath) but no personal contact.
She posted across social media how much better she felt having made the decision to just focus on herself, and not have to think about anyone else.

That confused me (I’m on the spectrum) as I had always made the point of never complaining to her or asking for any help, ever, as I did not want to burden her with my health difficulties and depression which she did know about.

Its her birthday on Tuesday, and as much as I try to do the right thing, I cannot bring myself to send her even a card as I am still so very hurt and angry.

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

All the opinions seem to be to send one anyway as a good (even if unwanted) mother, to keep the door open in case she changes her mind and wants a relationship again. For me, that can never happen as I can’t forgive or trust her and risk my mental health being destroyed again.

It broke me to near suicide, and cannot spend the rest of my life anticipating for months and waiting to see if she sends a Xmas, Mother’s Day or birthday card again, reopening wounds of distress when she doesn’t respond to thank you messages I look for in the following days and weeks.

Is it selfish of me to be so protective of my unstable mental health that is already so challenged with being bedbound, depressed and alone, or does the fact she is my daughter trump all that as a priority I should put first and acknowledge as a mother?

Any opinions or advice is welcome, but you don’t have to tell me how crap I am at relationships, I am only too aware my autism makes me think and act differently that seems right to me, which is why I am reaching out.

I think your post lacks any insight at all into how your daughter is feeling - which is pretty surprising tbh.

It places the responsibility for parental contact on the shoulders of a 13 year child and then seems to hold that decision against her for the rest of her life.

It does not seem to acknowledge any fault on your part, when life is complicated and often 'both sides' have flaws and made mistakes.

But I also agree with a pp: sending a card may be the worst thing you can do, for her. It may suggest you care when nothing in your OP suggests you do. Rather, you go to pains to explain that you will never allow her to have a relationship with you again.

If she has posted that she is feeling happier without you in her life, then the kindest thing to do (for her) may be to leave her in peace.

I imagine her side of this story would be illuminating.

Hey everyone. The red flags in the OP’s post point to her being depressed. Yes, very ‘me-centric’ because that’s what depression does.
It all sounds much more complicated than can be communicated in a single internet post.
Suddenly cutting someone off without explanation is not a nice thing to do, and parents are allowed to feel hurt and angry when their children do not treat them nicely. Endless sacrifice and sublimation of your own feelings is not good for anyone.
However, OP, she hasn’t told you she is cutting you off, nor, it seems, has she blocked you on social media. She doesn’t sound hostile, just (ironically) feeling the need to be selfish at the moment. I think you should send a Moonpig card nd get some support/ therapy for yourself.

I agree with posters saying "send the card". Sending it with a simple message, "Happy Birthday, I wish you are happy and well. I love you", tells her you are thinking of her without any expectations on your part.

My maternal grandmother had a difficult relationship with 2 of her sons. She always send cards or small gifts on their birthdays/Christmas. When her daughters reminded her how awful they were, her standard phrase was "I have 5 children, like fingers on my hand. I will never cut them off even if they give me pain".

You don't have to accept abuse, disrespect or being bullied by silence. Reminding her you love her, tells her just that. Nothing else.

There is a lot of talk on the thread about the OP seeing this from her child’s point of view. Clearly though the OP lacks this ability, like everything to do with autism inability to see others point of view is on a spectrum, my ASD daughter is excellent at theory of mind but my ASD father has absolutely no insight into other’s thinking.

I suspect that the OP is at my father’s end of the spectrum, speaking personally that was incredibly difficult to deal with as a child, it guarantees a lack of attunement which is obviously imperative for healthy childhood attachment. I adored my father growing up and I admired him beyond belief but his unwillingness to see anyone’s perspective except his own rose to emotionally abusive levels during difficult time in our family and eventually and I had to cut contact completely. He doesn’t get it either. He should have spoken to a therapist but to be honest I’m not sure it would have made a difference due to his rigid thinking.

I wish you well OP but I suspect your difficulties which are clearly breaking your own heart will break your daughter’s heart too.

This is a you problem though. It really is.

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

That is "black and white" thinking - make a decision, stick with it forever. But the real world is full of change and development. Maybe shutting the door for good feels safer to you because it is prediatable and it means nothing more bad can happen, but it also means that nothing more good can happen either.

You seem to think that she should know that bath salts are no use. But it doesn't sound as if you have been very close to each other so maybe she really doesn't know or remember all the details of your wash routine. And she sent something. Bath salts are a very generic kind of present, a present you send to someone you do not know very well. It is a symbolic present, a present with a message - "I still want some contact".

So instead of slamming doors, can you do reciprocation? You can do the same as her. Send her a card on her birthday. And a generic kind of present as well. Flowers, or nice chocolates. Follow her lead "plus one". So if she sends a card and a prsent, you send a card and present (reciprocation). If she send a thank you message for your present, you send her a thank you message for her next present (reciprocation) If she doesn't send a thank you for your present but she does send you a present on your birthday or birthday, then you can do a "plus one" by sending one thank you message in response to her present.

I wonder if some of your "thank you" messages have been repeated too many times and seemed"too much for her, and that is why she withdrew? Limiting communcation to "reciprocation" or "reciprocation plus one" can be a good strategy. Oh, and when you write a thank you message it is very important not to include any negative comment about her present. So if you couldn't use the bath salts don't say so! You don't have to lie but you don't have to say the whole truth either. Say "they smell lovely" or "such a kind thought" or something. Yes, you might get unwanted bath salts for several years to come, but if that happens there will be other ways to deal with it. The important thing is the link that you make by sending each oher cards and present.

Cards on birthdays and Christmas are fairly neutral "plus ones" that you can pretty much always do, unless she specifically asks/tells you not to.

Good luck!

Send her one without any expectations.

See it as a wedge to stop the door slamming shut forever.

If it's too hard then is there anyone in your life who could do it for you? If you were my friend I would do it for you in a heartbeat.

You give them the details and they send her a Moonpig card or something and you ask them to send her birthday and Christmas cards until such time as you ask them to stop.

That way you don't have to keep thinking about it and you haven't let the door get locked shut forever.

You sound quite ruthless with people and lonely as a result. I get the feeling that being chronically ill has built up resentment, and although you think you never ask anything of anyone, you are projecting your upset onto others. This is, of course, your choice. But twice now your daughter has found you so toxic she has had to distance herself. I think you might want to consider therapy if you want to break this cycle. You chose to have a child, and it doesn't sound like your daughter is a bad person at all, just someone who needs to set her own boundaries, which technically is a trait you, as a caring parent, should applaud. Of course it smarts when she does it with you, but rather than wallowing in self pity and being petty over a birthday card, I think it's time to do some soul searching.

I would send a card because I’d want to leave the door open for her to come back

Agree with Tenbob.

If you want any future relationship send a card with a message that you understood she finds the relationship difficult with you but you would love to see her occasionally.

I'm wondering if you were too intense with the relationship too quickly?

This won't be an easy opinion to read but based on what you have written I think you are being wholy unreasonable. By having a child you took on that responsibility of putting them before yourself, always. Age in my opinion does not change your obligations to your child. If your DD needs a break from you then you need to respect that, keep the lines of communication open with special occasion cards/gifts and the odd 'hope you're doing okay' messages but nothing over the top. To say you can never forgive your own child for simply needing a break from you is mindboggling.

As you mentioned you are ND, you need to also be accepting that your view on the relationship you shared with her is probably very different to what she has seen. As others have mentioned, you appear to be in great need of counselling and that should help you come to terms with why you are so quick to severe connections but also judge others who do so so heavily.

Good luck. I hope by working on yourself and giving your daughter time you can get to a better place.

Of course, autism is highly heritable. The black-and-white thinking and may not belong to the OP alone.

I agree. Most people on the thread have no idea about being on the spectrum and how to tailor their responses to an autistic person.

I completely disagree with you that it's the OP's problem. She can't change who she is and her black and white thinking. Her daughter is 25, an adult and, I understand, neurotypical. She is not a kid and should be able to understand, by now, how the spectrum affects her loved ones.

I totally agree , the op needs to 'bend' however difficult that may be.

Send her the card.
Dont send her gifts, don’t expect reply.

Unfortunately I don't think that you can be the mother that your daughter needs. She wants someone who reassures and nurtures her. It sounds like your relationship put too much pressure on her. Perhaps she worried about you or seeing you vulnerable with poor mental health impacted her health. I grew up with a vulnerable parent and it did feel like a burden upon my shoulders.

What concerns me is your approach to dealing with relationships. You think that your cutting off people approach serves you well, but it actually doesn't. I have a sister who uses the same approach and it has unfortunately contributed to the decline of her mental and physical health. She has become very isolated. She has never learned to resolve issues. She has put up huge flimsy defences. It's not helped her mental health at all. Life is not black and white, but many shades of shifting grey that change as often as the clouds in the sky. Sometimes, for whatever reason, relationships are better than others. They can shift and change patterns.

I think that you should send her a card. Don't put too much pressure on her. Keep it happy and breezy so that she doesn't feel guilty or bad to receive it. If you cut her off, then you will always deny yourself that happiness of building a relationship again in the future. That won't do your mental health any good either. Instead, send it and a nice gift. Send her a Christmas card. Wish her well. Tell her something positive and upbeat about your life, even if not entirely true, so that she doesn't worry about you. Don't expect a response. And seek help for your mental health issues and a lot of support instead, including how to deal with relationships in a better and less black and white way. I think that you should seek CBT to help with this as your distorted thinking is impacting your relationship with others and causing you distress.

Send a card.

OP I'm also autistic and I agree with this reply. I know we tend to be very black and white about things but if you can try and find the shades of grey life will be easier. I recommend counselling, it's really great and helpful.

I would send the card, because cutting yourself off from everyone isn't healthy or helpful for you. Surely all your family can't be so awful? But also, sending a card keeps your options open.

But please get therapy for your mental health. You deserve to be well.

I don’t think it works like this, you’ve reached 25 and you understand ASD now, it’s more complicated than that. And you can understand but dealing with it might be too much for you.

I have a fractured relationship with my similar age daughter (long story, and someone else’s thread isn’t the place to share it). I always send a card and a small gift (money, gift voucher, chocolates type thing). Sometimes it is acknowledged or not, but I do it because she’s my child, I love her, and it’s the right thing to do. Of course it hurts, but counselling has helped, I take responsibility for my past actions, and I accept that I have no control over hers, only my own in the present. I really hope you can heal OP, but it needs to be for your own self, not with expectations on her.

I can’t pretend to understand the ins and outs of your relationship. But my child will always have an open door, however hard that may be. It’s part of being a mum. You forgive first and you forgive longest and hardest. This is your child.

Those of you saying the daughter is an adult now, do bear in mind that the trauma she has gone through as a child would have delayed her development, and she probably has a lot of ground to cover. Both mother and daughter need counselling separately and together.

Hi Op my daughter is austistic so I understand you may struggle to understand why you should reach out to someone who has upset you

Would it help to remember that in a parent / child relationship - the care from parent to child is unconditional - that is the role of a parent. You continue to give, to support to offer love - even if the child is dfificult.

When it comes to your feelings - they come second to your role as parent.

Your daughter was a young child when she cut contact with you - that is not something you should be holding against her at all. 13 year olds do not have the same developed mind as an adult - she will have been hurting iwth a child's level of understanding.

She can't change who she is but she can learn to change her behaviour. It would be crazy to think that just because someone has autism they can't learn how to improve things socially.