Not sending my estranged daughter a birthday card?

[MumNoMore]

My 25yr old daughter and I reconnected 4 years ago after she chose to cut contact at 13 after her father’s and my divorce. I couldn’t have custody due to severe physical and chronic illness but it broke my heart.

I thought we had rebuilt a very good relationship with regular contact, until January when she suddenly cut me off again with no explanation or response to my messages and calls, that left me very confused and distressed since only the week before she told me how much she loved me.

She did send me a printed card from moonpig on my birthday, with a gift she knew I could not use (bath stuff..no bath) but no personal contact.
She posted across social media how much better she felt having made the decision to just focus on herself, and not have to think about anyone else.

That confused me (I’m on the spectrum) as I had always made the point of never complaining to her or asking for any help, ever, as I did not want to burden her with my health difficulties and depression which she did know about.

Its her birthday on Tuesday, and as much as I try to do the right thing, I cannot bring myself to send her even a card as I am still so very hurt and angry.

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

All the opinions seem to be to send one anyway as a good (even if unwanted) mother, to keep the door open in case she changes her mind and wants a relationship again. For me, that can never happen as I can’t forgive or trust her and risk my mental health being destroyed again.

It broke me to near suicide, and cannot spend the rest of my life anticipating for months and waiting to see if she sends a Xmas, Mother’s Day or birthday card again, reopening wounds of distress when she doesn’t respond to thank you messages I look for in the following days and weeks.

Is it selfish of me to be so protective of my unstable mental health that is already so challenged with being bedbound, depressed and alone, or does the fact she is my daughter trump all that as a priority I should put first and acknowledge as a mother?

Any opinions or advice is welcome, but you don’t have to tell me how crap I am at relationships, I am only too aware my autism makes me think and act differently that seems right to me, which is why I am reaching out.

I'm not going to give advice on whether to send one or not.

I'm just going to say that I've been NC with my mother for 12 years as a result of childhood abuse that extended into adulthood. This also led to her being a risk to my children (brief SS and police involvement due to her actions, which led to this final decision). She, of course, didn't (and still doesn't) see herself as an abuser - she believes she is my victim and has been since I was 3 years old. The police made it very clear to her that she was a risk to my children, and she argued with them. So we don't know what the daughter's experience was or whether the OP is right to feel aggrieved because we don't know what happened.

I wouldn't have sent my mother a birthday card so I can't suggest what the OPs daughter would want but I wouldn't have seen my mother sending a card as a positive gesture, a sign of unconditional love or keeping the door open. I'd have seen it as a hostile move and yet another example of her not being able to consider someone else's needs above her own wants amongst other things, a complete lack of respect for boundaries and it would have been very traumatic.

Without hearing the daughter's side of, it's difficult to imagine what her reasons are but it's very unusual for a 13 year old to cut contact and isn't an easy decision to make - however unhappy you are.

It's worth noting that the daughter might not have sent a card to keep the lines of communication over. She might but she might also have been caught in the FOG cycle and not really known what to do.

Whether the OP sends a card or not, the situation is going to he difficult for her daughter. I just feel some of this is worth highlighting for those who can see no harm in her sending the card.

a bath stuff no bath is of no consequence. easy mistake to make

send the card

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

this doesn't leave much room for reconciliation or growing up and developing a relationship, OP.
If that is how you really feel, then don't send a card but know that you will be closing that door, most likely (often people who focus on self care still want a little input on their occasions from other people, even they don't reciprocate)

Moonpig her a card and a box of chocolate, write that you're there when she's ready to take up contact. Then expect nothing in return, and see how it goes?

Don't give up on her. Send the card. She's the child, your the adult. Lead by example.

This, so you had no contact with her for 8 years?! Your post is all me centric.

Send a card. She is your daughter and you love her. Life's too short to be playing tit for tat. Send it with love, and expect nothing in return. She obviously has trauma from the divorce, she may have felt abandoned. If she does reach out, don't talk about her ignoring you, just be pleased.

This.

She has been through an awful lot. You are very focused on what has happened to you, which sounds dreadful, but she has suffered too. She effectively lost her mum at 13, and I'm sure that wasn't a decision she made on her own.

I don't think in those circumstances I could shut the door so easily.

You say you cut people off as if it's a virtue. It isn't really. I understand the impulse, I really do, but it's not a healthy way to live.

No. You can’t make somebody love you. Move in with your life and leave the door open if she chooses to see you again.

I think you should send one personally. She's your daughter. She might be a bit messed up and struggling herself at times. If you're the sort of person who cuts people off then this might be a reason why she has. She is half of YOU. Might she have Autism too? If you love her, send her a card and leave the door open should she need you. At the same time look after yourself and yes maybe counselling could benefit.

Send the card and check back in with therapy, im sure you've had therapy already but noboydy can aford it constantly. time for a top up though

in the same way that you're in pain, she's in pain, figuring things out. you would feel wronged if she cut you off because you're in pain? have empathy for each other

My son is a teen who went to live with a male relative and he's not talking to me at the moment and it's not affecting me as badly as this is affecting you. I suppose because he can call me every name under the sun and not contact me for months and i have faith that in time he can tune in to what's behind his anger. Basically have faith in yourself that you can absorb a bit of anger! I won't shy away from my son when he's ready to communicate something more than ''you're a bitch''. So I'm not talking completely out o fmy ass here, i get it, it can be hard. your dd is 25 but there would be a lot to process so allow her to process it.

don't underestimate your power as a mother to have formed her core beliefs. you have to ''allow'' her the space to have wounds. We all have them. She will for sure.

If you recognise that some decisions protect your mental health, recongise the same could be true for her? ##

She is only 25, she has a long life ahead of her we all hope and you will not want to write yourself out of her life completely because you were dithering over whether to send a card or not. Always safer to send it.

Send her a card. There are red flags in your OP that point to you being a rather difficult mum. Also get some therapy to understand what went wrong, your role and accountability in it. And what you can do to rebuild your relationship with your DD.

You say you couldn't have custody after the divorce due to your health issues. I understand there may have been insurmountable reasons for that outside your control, but it's unlikely a 13 year old will have been able to fully grasp and accept them, whatever they were. This is the situation that she will still be dealing with. Have you talked to her properly, as an adult, about that time? Did you thank her for the card and gift on your birthday?

What's shouting out at me is your autism. The black or white thinking, in or out. As others have said, send the card and then have no expectations of a reciprocal gesture.

I would still send the card, even if it ends up straight in the bin. I really don’t think your mantra of being either in or out is a healthy or realistic one. People are complex, relationships are complex, family is very complex, your way of thinking is not doing you any favours (evidently).

You can choose to do this two ways.

You can either do what you want regardless of your daughter.

Or you can respect your daughter's boundaries. Your daughter has chosen to go no contact with you, so I would normally say that you should respect that and not send a card. However, your daughter sent you one. So, assuming this was quite recently and not back in January just after she cut contact, I would send her one back as she seems to be ok with "cards on occasions" as a boundary. But don't make any other contact and don't expect any back. She will either choose to come back to you, or she'll realise that the reasons that made her leave at 13 are still there.

You are being unreasonable as she is the child in this dynamic. People don't cut off parents for no reason. Leave her alone.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, it sounds terrible.

One thing that strikes me about your post is that you and your daughter both sound quite similar.

All this "either you love me and play a proper part in my life or you don't and we will be estranged and have no contact" stuff is quite extreme, and you both appear to be doing it.

There are a lot of people on Mumsnet who will advocate in favour of going no contact with "toxic" parents and, less frequently, "toxic" children, saying that you can't change who people are but you don't have to put up with bad treatment and you can prioritise your own mental health and wellbeing.

I think that's true to a certain extent but I also think that we are all flawed, damaged individuals and for all our faults and mistakes, most of us are really just seeking love and human connection. I think that cutting off family members, particularly our parents or our children, is a very extreme thing to do, because those people can't be replaced. Your daughter will never have another mother, you are the only one she has got, for better or for worse. And you grew and gave birth to her, no one else can replace that part she has played in your life. So for that reason, although I wouldn't say you should never go no contact with a parent or a child, I would only advise doing it in the most extreme circumstances, such as when there has been abuse.

You and your daughter sound like you are both playing the same game, i.e. taking the view that if the other person isn't willing to be the person you want and need them to be, they don't deserve to be in your life at all. I think that's very sad and you will probably both come to regret it.

So in your position I would send her a birthday card, maybe even a present, and continue to leave the door open and offer olive branches here and there, in the hope that one day you can have a better relationship. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do.

By not sending a card she can use h that of proof that you don’t love her and she was right to cut ties. so it’s probably best to send one.

Gah, I voted wrong. YABU. Pull yourself together. I am also autistic, but presumably after 13 years of raising a child you are capable of being a parent and putting your child’s needs first when you need to.

Agree with @BackAgainstWall

You are her mother, you are older and are supposed to be a good role model, not some petty woman she hardly knows up the road.

You seem more concerned about your own feelings than hers. I also find it unusual that she chose to cut contact at 13. Why would she do that?

Send a card. Be the bigger person. Be more mature. Poor child sounds quite damaged by her teen years.

Send a card you are the adult, and go for specialist mental health counselling zero contact with anyone in your family and the all or nothing contact approach you have will not help you in a mother daughter relationship. I am aware very rigid thinking can be an autistic trait but you can learn how to respond better to your daughter.

It really isn't the end of the world to send someone a birthday card and they do not say ''thank you'' . Actually it happens all the time.

It's hard to advise whether or not to send a card. Its obviouslg your DD is traumatised by her upbringing. I think you need to start seeing this from her point of view and the difficulties of having a mother with your problems. She was a child. Counselling would be a good idea.

Yes this.

You can change your mindset. Even if it is too late for your relationship with your daughter working on the way you manage relationships gives the opportunity for better future relationships.