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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sending my estranged daughter a birthday card?

216 replies

MumNoMore · 03/12/2023 21:45

My 25yr old daughter and I reconnected 4 years ago after she chose to cut contact at 13 after her father’s and my divorce. I couldn’t have custody due to severe physical and chronic illness but it broke my heart.

I thought we had rebuilt a very good relationship with regular contact, until January when she suddenly cut me off again with no explanation or response to my messages and calls, that left me very confused and distressed since only the week before she told me how much she loved me.

She did send me a printed card from moonpig on my birthday, with a gift she knew I could not use (bath stuff..no bath) but no personal contact.
She posted across social media how much better she felt having made the decision to just focus on herself, and not have to think about anyone else.

That confused me (I’m on the spectrum) as I had always made the point of never complaining to her or asking for any help, ever, as I did not want to burden her with my health difficulties and depression which she did know about.

Its her birthday on Tuesday, and as much as I try to do the right thing, I cannot bring myself to send her even a card as I am still so very hurt and angry.

I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.

All the opinions seem to be to send one anyway as a good (even if unwanted) mother, to keep the door open in case she changes her mind and wants a relationship again. For me, that can never happen as I can’t forgive or trust her and risk my mental health being destroyed again.

It broke me to near suicide, and cannot spend the rest of my life anticipating for months and waiting to see if she sends a Xmas, Mother’s Day or birthday card again, reopening wounds of distress when she doesn’t respond to thank you messages I look for in the following days and weeks.

Is it selfish of me to be so protective of my unstable mental health that is already so challenged with being bedbound, depressed and alone, or does the fact she is my daughter trump all that as a priority I should put first and acknowledge as a mother?

Any opinions or advice is welcome, but you don’t have to tell me how crap I am at relationships, I am only too aware my autism makes me think and act differently that seems right to me, which is why I am reaching out.

OP posts:
RunAwayFromWinter · 04/12/2023 03:25

If you can't be loving and forgiving to your own child, I think you would benefit from therapy. How often have you told her that you love her and miss her? Have you actually said those words to her?

purpleberries1 · 04/12/2023 03:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I am LC with my mother and I wish someone would speak so frankly to her. Reading this comment was cathartic, thank you @JANEY205

Starlight07 · 04/12/2023 03:32

I just wanted say firstly that I understand your pain, my older teenager decided very unexpectedly to contact and move in with his father who lives in a different town and who has been in and out of his life forever. My son has chosen to believe his version of past events that I won't get in to.

I also wanted to say that even though he choses to have minimal contact with me now and I currently have no idea when I will see him and I am and will always be in pain about this,I am very much still buying him presents and making sure he has what he needs.

I can't imagine what it would have been like for you having your daughter leave at 13,I know she is 25now but she is and will always be your daughter, please do what you can for her from afar even when she chooses not to see you.

user1471553350 · 04/12/2023 03:47

my 24 yr old son took his life 3 weeks ago
I loved him unconditionally because I promised him that the day he was born, and however hard it was at times, my unconditional love was ever present.
I did not always make the best decisions for him during his teenage years.
I am lucky because in the last 2 years we spoke all the words we ever needed to say to each other, nothing was left unsaid ,and I find comfort in knowing that, and that I took every opportunity to tell him how much I loved him and how precious he was. (is)
send your daughter a card, send her a card every single year whether you see her or speak to her ever again or not,
send your daughter a 100 cards.

Trez1510 · 04/12/2023 03:58

As ever posters are responding in tune with their own emotions/experiences.

I'm going to attempt some logic here.

You've decided there is no way, for your daughter, back into your life as she has hurt you.

Why send a card then?

Doing so may give her false hope that the door is open when, from your post, it clearly is not even ajar far less open.

Alternatively, it may reopen wounds for her that are in the process of healing having gone minimal/cursory contact with you for whatever reason.

Sending a card would be cruel in my opinion.

Firefly1987 · 04/12/2023 04:13

user1471553350 · 04/12/2023 03:47

my 24 yr old son took his life 3 weeks ago
I loved him unconditionally because I promised him that the day he was born, and however hard it was at times, my unconditional love was ever present.
I did not always make the best decisions for him during his teenage years.
I am lucky because in the last 2 years we spoke all the words we ever needed to say to each other, nothing was left unsaid ,and I find comfort in knowing that, and that I took every opportunity to tell him how much I loved him and how precious he was. (is)
send your daughter a card, send her a card every single year whether you see her or speak to her ever again or not,
send your daughter a 100 cards.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm amazed at your strength and so glad you are able to find comfort knowing you showed your son how loved he was and will always be. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2023 04:36

Send the card op. Your daughter hasn’t cut you out of her life. She’s taken a step back to regroup. She may be very similar to you in her thinking and just as hurt as you, maybe more. The difference is you’re a mature woman, she’s your child. We don’t know why she went nc at 13. She may not have had a choice. 13 is so very very young. Get counselling and medication to help with how you’re feeling. I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you both.

@user1471553350
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. For your son. Flowers

FrancisSeaton · 04/12/2023 04:43

user1471553350 · 04/12/2023 03:47

my 24 yr old son took his life 3 weeks ago
I loved him unconditionally because I promised him that the day he was born, and however hard it was at times, my unconditional love was ever present.
I did not always make the best decisions for him during his teenage years.
I am lucky because in the last 2 years we spoke all the words we ever needed to say to each other, nothing was left unsaid ,and I find comfort in knowing that, and that I took every opportunity to tell him how much I loved him and how precious he was. (is)
send your daughter a card, send her a card every single year whether you see her or speak to her ever again or not,
send your daughter a 100 cards.

That's so sad 😞 lots of love

Nowherenew · 04/12/2023 05:08

Sending a card isn’t going to hurt you anymore than you’re hurting now.

As a mother, I would never want my child to ever feel like they were unloved or weren’t thought about all of the time.

You are the parent here and it’s on you to do what most parents do and that means showing your daughter unconditional love.

Unconditional love means that you don’t only show love unless she does X, Y, Z. It means that you love her regardless of what she does and that you show her.

Its literally a card that would mean a lot to her and would not cause you to need to go too much out of your way in your own life.

She obviously has her reasons for going NC with you both times but yet she still sent a card.
(FWIW I get sent bath stuff all of the time and people know I have no bath).

You are too concerned with your own MH and not the MH of someone who from 13 didn’t have their mum in their life for many years and is probably very damaged from the reasons of why they chose to go NC at such a young age.

Superduper02 · 04/12/2023 05:19

Wow , I clicked YANBU but the responses here would suggest that OP and I have alot to learn. I think you've had some sound advice here OP. Send the card.

Wife2b · 04/12/2023 05:27

You absolutely should send a card, she’s your daughter. You could include a letter too to open up the lines of communication that may be easier than a phone call.

hattie43 · 04/12/2023 05:29

I think it seems like you aren't the mother your daughter wants and rather than accept or deal with it she has chosen to go NC.
As a child you need your mother the most and you weren't there for her whether that was your fault or not we don't know as we only have your side of the story . She then years later is back in touch to see if things have changed and they haven't so she's cut ties again . The fact you seem to be NC with other family means there's more going on here than we know about .
Send the card . It keeps some line of contact .

Holly60 · 04/12/2023 05:31

You are making this all about you. How do you think she will feel if you send her a card? Deep down do you think she would prefer that you didn't or that she would like one?

I think the fact she sent you one means she is keeping a small channel of communication open and so would probably like a card back.

Try to flip things and make them less about you and it might actually help.

romdowa · 04/12/2023 05:32

She's your child , you're the parent. No matter how old she is , send the card. I don't believe for a second that she cut you off for no reason either .

inquisitiveinga · 04/12/2023 05:34

I know it must be very difficult, (I've got a very challenging relationship with my mother) but try and look past whatever is going on now and send a card. As other PPs have said, don't expect anything back. Spiritually speaking, it's the best thing to do. Keep popping light and love into the universe... what's the worst that can happen 😘

Zonder · 04/12/2023 06:37

tenbob · 03/12/2023 21:52

“I have lived life with ‘you either love and care about me and are in my life, or you don’t and you aren’t” which means I have no contact at all with any family and never will, once a door is closed, it’s closed for good.”

This jumped out at me.

If you are a full ‘my way or the highway’ person, it’s easy to see how she got to the point of having to cut contact with you.

I guess it’s up to you to decide whether you continue to live by a frankly awful set of rules, and spend the rest of your days with the consequences, or get some help to foster a healthier mindset that allows enough flexibility to allow for some sort of relationship in the future.

This. Be the adult. You're the parent not the child.

Send the card out of love, not to get anything back.

Try and get some help for your relationships. This blunt cutting off because something has gone wrong with several family members is just not normal. We have to have a bit of grace towards people just as we need them to have the same towards us. Nobody is perfect, including you, and you risk having a very lonely life.

Sausage1989 · 04/12/2023 06:41

You sounds very me me me. I'm pretty sure at 13 (a child!!!) It wasn't her fault that she cut contact with you..how does a child even cut contact with a parent..as a parent you just don't let that happen, surely?!?!?

Pipsquiggle · 04/12/2023 06:49

Send the card.

Your opinion on 'you're either in my life or not' and 'the closed door analogy' will do you no favours long term.

My aunty had a similar mantra and decided to cut out various close friends and family including one of her own DC. Her emotional intelligence was low and until her death she believed that she was 'right'. Over the years we all tried to reach out to her but she remained entrenched.

What did she gain? Absolutely nothing. She has missed out on relationships particularly with her Grandchildren, her sister and her nieces & nephews.

Do not use the closed door mindset, keep the door ajar

RedHelenB · 04/12/2023 06:50

OldTinHat · 03/12/2023 21:52

No. Don't send one. Protect yourself.

More like protect her dd. OP sounds very selfish, only considering her own feelings in all this.

Charlieradioalphapapa · 04/12/2023 06:52

user1471553350. I’m so very sorry about your darling boy 💐

Howbizzare22 · 04/12/2023 06:59

Send. I understand this is a very complex situation but you clearly do care on some level for your daughter. If you don’t send it you are showing that you do not. Put your anger aside, she is your daughter, send it if you care.

LostFrog · 04/12/2023 06:59

It’s not about you though, is it? It’s her birthday, and she is your daughter. Put aside your own feelings. It’s such a small gesture, but to not bother because of how you might feel is appalling.

Dingdongdog · 04/12/2023 07:02

I don't see any reflection or accountability on your part. 13 year olds do not cut adult parents off, that's on you.
It seems that you are the one to cut people off, no judgement here- it can be a symptom of developmental trauma, amongst others things- but I don't think you are going to have much happiness if you continue to project on to the people around you. Including your poor daughter.

I have a similar issue with one of my parents- no doubt they will see that I have chosen to cut them off but that is not the case. The child, even if they are an adult child, is still the child in the relationship.

Greybluewhite · 04/12/2023 07:03

You sound like my father. Everything was always about him, his wants and needs and problems. My childhood was made miserable by my parents but it was always about them.

He cut me off 10 years ago because I didn’t send him a birthday card.

I miss him in some ways but life is simpler without someone draining you constantly.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 04/12/2023 07:04

LostFrog · 04/12/2023 06:59

It’s not about you though, is it? It’s her birthday, and she is your daughter. Put aside your own feelings. It’s such a small gesture, but to not bother because of how you might feel is appalling.

I agreed with this, you clearly always put yourself first and to hell with anyone else, including your daughter. There is also a lot if excuses out forward to explain t’hour behaviour but you dont give people an ounce of compassion for what drives their behaviour.

However, I imagine your daughter has many, many reasons for going LC, and a card you were forced to send is going to make that worse.