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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry about photo of me taking without my consent

647 replies

Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 09:38

Last week I was walking our dog, it was first thing in the morning and admittedly I wasn't looking my best - just pulled a hoody on!

Unbeknownst to me, somebody who works with my partner took a photo of me whilst he was on a building site and sent it to my partner on social media (and perhaps also sent to others) with a very nasty comment about my appearance and weight. I have never met this man, and he doesn't know anything about me or what is going on in my life right now - I can only presume he recognised our dog. My partner told me about the picture.

I have been so angry about this, my partner is also very angry and has said something - the person who has taken the photo has doubled down said "it was only a joke and basically get over yourself". To be honest I have little time for people who resort to saying "it was a joke" when their nastiness is called out.

I want to email the company he works for - he did this on the company clock, from a company vehicle - he may be my partner's workmate, but I am also a member of the public, and as such I have a right to privacy and should be able to take my dog for a walk without being photographed and made fun of, he has invaded my privacy - it will impact on me, as I will be reluctant to walk that way again. My partner says he won't be bothered if I do, and it will be taken seriously as it is a reputable company, but I'm not sure if that is over reacting. Would be unreasonable to do this, or should I just forget it as the bloke is clearly a childish misogynistic arsehole.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Myfabby · 05/12/2023 13:34

Pinkiefinger · 05/12/2023 13:29

Taking photos in a public place isn't a crime. It's also not a crime to belittle someone's appearance to others despite it been a really awful thing to Do.

I'd just brush it under the carpet and ignore it I wouldn't be out to get him fired you have no idea his family and if losing his job would result in kids starving or going without.

And please don't let your partner get himself in to trouble by taking it on himself to punish you don't want him getting in to bother too

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1988/27/section/1

Any person who sends to another person—

(a)a [F1letter, electronic communication or article of any description] which conveys—

(i)a message which is indecent or grossly offensive;

(ii)a threat; or

(iii)information which is false and known or believed to be false by the sender; or

(b)any [F2article or electronic communication] which is, in whole or part, of an indecent or grossly offensive nature,
is guilty of an offence if his purpose, or one of his purposes, in sending it is that it should, so far as falling within paragraph (a) or (b) above, cause distress or anxiety to the recipient or to any other person to whom he intends that it or its contents or nature should be communicated.

Malicious Communications Act 1988

An Act to make provision for the punishment of persons who send or deliver letters or other articles for the purpose of causing distress or anxiety.

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1988/27/section/1

Connected1 · 05/12/2023 13:35

Pinkiefinger · 05/12/2023 13:29

Taking photos in a public place isn't a crime. It's also not a crime to belittle someone's appearance to others despite it been a really awful thing to Do.

I'd just brush it under the carpet and ignore it I wouldn't be out to get him fired you have no idea his family and if losing his job would result in kids starving or going without.

And please don't let your partner get himself in to trouble by taking it on himself to punish you don't want him getting in to bother too

It's not a crime - and that's why she's not reported it to the police, she has reported it to his employers as he was doing this misogynistic behaviour during work time. He had the chance to apologise and he chose not to.
"Kids starving"? oh please

thetworonnies · 05/12/2023 13:40

Jesus, I'd be raging. What a misogynistic prick. Well done on following it up. I'd want my husband to tell me if he'd received a message like that. Can't believe people are trying to minimise this and/or blame your partner.

Panaa · 05/12/2023 13:40

Pinkiefinger · 05/12/2023 13:29

Taking photos in a public place isn't a crime. It's also not a crime to belittle someone's appearance to others despite it been a really awful thing to Do.

I'd just brush it under the carpet and ignore it I wouldn't be out to get him fired you have no idea his family and if losing his job would result in kids starving or going without.

And please don't let your partner get himself in to trouble by taking it on himself to punish you don't want him getting in to bother too

It's not a crime, but things like this can cause significant harm to people so the less tolerant people are of this behaviour now the more likely that in the future it will be considered a crime.

The OP didn't brush it under the carpet and rightly so, it's all very well trying to guilt the OP into feeling bad if he lost his jobs by using the emotive image of his kids starving, which isn't likely to happen, but what about the next person he does that to? There are a lot of vulnerable adults out there and something like that could send them over the edge, what about their kids?

RafaFan · 05/12/2023 13:43

Outliers · 03/12/2023 09:45

Threatening his livelihood (I.e. job security) in this current climate seems like a disproportionate escalation.

Really? He should have thought of that before he carried out his vile action. It is also workplace bullying of the OP's partner.

Lovelymoon · 05/12/2023 13:45

Annoyedofnorfolk · 05/12/2023 11:50

There are several other sites in a short radius of that one, he wouldn't be sent 100s of miles away, neither have I asked for him to be sacked, I haven't threatened police, I have just stated facts and what I would like to see happen.

For those saying it is just a laddish "prank", this incident has had an impact on my daily life - I have avoided that particular area and have walked around a longer route so that I don't have to go past it, I walked out of my door this morning and the first thing I did was look down there to see if there was a lorry there with my stomach churning. Those words are now in my head, and I feel literally sick that there is somebody who doesn't even know me who would do this, when I am simply going about my own business where I live. I have quite a lot of stress at the moment from one thing and another which I was managing, but this has just about tipped me over into feeling shaky and upset intermittently. Men simply don't understand the impact that this type of behaviour has on women.

This is a anonymised summary of what I have written:

<Details of what happened>

As well as being <partner>’s partner, I am a local resident. As such, I have the right to be able to go about my daily life around my neighbourhood without fear of being photographed without my knowledge or consent, insulted, degraded and not having my privacy invaded by a complete stranger. What I have experienced is targeted harassment and bullying by a man not known to me who is on the <company> clock and in an <company> vehicle - and is therefore representing your company. Furthermore, it is also harassment and bullying, not to mention goading, of <partner>, who has the right not to receive such messages from work colleagues relating to his private life, and to be put into such an awkward position in his workplace.

<photo creep> is very aware that this has upset me, instead he chose to describe it as “just a joke” – the go-to excuse for all bullies who have their behaviour called out. He had the opportunity then to apologise and chose not to, which left leaving a complaint as my only recourse. I would like <photo creep> to have it explained to him why this abusive and misogynistic behaviour towards women is unacceptable and not tolerated in this day and age, and to consider how he would feel if his wife or daughter was the target of such abuse. How many other female members of the public of any age is he covertly photographing, making comments on and distributing as there is a clear lack of boundaries and respect for women? Furthermore, I wish to request that this employee is no longer sent to work on this particular site, which is in very close proximity to where I live, as I will feel unsafe if he is there.

Edited

Go on gal!! 👏🏻 👏🏻

JRM17 · 05/12/2023 13:49

No it can't.

Parryotter · 05/12/2023 13:49

Hi OP. I cannot believe some of the comments!!

You are most definitely not being unreasonable here!

Man was completely out of order and an absolutely hateful thing to do. He is completely misogynistic and verging on harassment. Taking a photo is massively creepy but then judging you and insulting your appearance and sending this to your partner!
You NEED to report him to his boss. He was doing this on company time and therefore as a representative to that company. He needs to understand that this is unacceptable behaviour, offensive and upsetting, and he needs to accept the consequences of his actions.

I also think you need to report this to the police. I can completely understand the impact this will have had on you. It is perfectly understandable to be feeling upset and anxious. The fact you live two doors down from the site and you are worried about walking past now is reason enough to report it. His actions are harassment. He may also do this to someone else who is more vulnerable than you.
As for your husband telling you. I really don't see why people are questioning this! Of course your husband would need to tell you. He was in an awful situation and knew it would upset you, but quite rightly he didn't want you to find out from anybody else. Your husband sounds like he has been really supportive by not minding the fallout at work if you report it.
And as for what you were wearing - so what! You don't have to put on make-up, straighten your hair and wear the latest fashion to go anywhere and especially not to go and do a quick dog walk. Please don't feel the need to change anything about yourself following this.

As for all the commenters who voted that you are being unreasonable... wtf?!

StuartSheehyisBack · 05/12/2023 13:51

Pinkiefinger · Today 13:29

Taking photos in a public place isn't a crime. It's also not a crime to belittle someone's appearance to others despite it been a really awful thing to Do.

I'd just brush it under the carpet and ignore it I wouldn't be out to get him fired you have no idea his family and if losing his job would result in kids starving or going without.

This is the UK, not Dickensian London. Why would his "kids starve"?

Yes they may go without because their father is a misogynistic bully, but they won't "starve". Going OTT just you look a complete idiot.

packatape · 05/12/2023 14:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

MarilynSays · 05/12/2023 14:08

This is a hate crime and has affected your mental health. Report it. People like this need to learn how to act properly in society and mind their own business.

JoBrodie · 05/12/2023 15:32

Pinkiefinger · 05/12/2023 13:29

Taking photos in a public place isn't a crime. It's also not a crime to belittle someone's appearance to others despite it been a really awful thing to Do.

I'd just brush it under the carpet and ignore it I wouldn't be out to get him fired you have no idea his family and if losing his job would result in kids starving or going without.

And please don't let your partner get himself in to trouble by taking it on himself to punish you don't want him getting in to bother too

I'm not a lawyer so don't know what crime may have been committed (if any), but the photo-taking in a public place aspect isn't criminal as umpteen other posters have already said.

However I think it's clear that he's 'triangulated' data / metadata about her and I suspect that this has interfered with OP's reasonable expectation of privacy (let alone the distress from the nature of the comments).

If he'd sent it only to her husband then it may not meet any threshold but if he's CCed others (I don't know how Snapchat works) then he's identified her publicly, through her husband and dog, and provided a time and location of her whereabouts (which is also where she lives). It seems pretty bad.

So it's the privacy-invading, malicious communications and general harrassment aspects that may move it closer to being criminal. The ambient misogyny and doubling-down when challenged certainly doesn't help and suggests a pattern of behaviour.

For those reasons I'd be at least talking to the Police.

Jo

Beeinalily · 05/12/2023 15:35

I think Pinkiefinger may be the creep, OP. You've been put through something awful, whether or not it's illegal, but I hope it helps that so many of us support you.

cerisepanther73 · 05/12/2023 15:56

@redfacebigdisgrace

Times are changing fast,

Misogynistic behaviour which used to be tolerated, Cause of that's just way things were are being challenged,

Why should women and girls in western world and around the world put up with emotional abuse or any other types of harassment abusive behaviour,

Just to please men insecurities and fragile ego's to make them feel better?

this emotionally behaviour and attitude , so called banter which in reality is an excuse for shitty types of men like the one @Annoyedofnorfolk had the bad luck to counter,

i am glad delighted you reported him,
and hope he is royally pissed off 😤 with having his behaviour taking to task , having to be explain himself to his boss,

I can't stand Arseholes like that,

i bet he puts women like that down, Cause he is insecure about the size of chiplota size of his prick his manhood compared to other men or something,

How pathetic these types of men really are...

cerisepanther73 · 05/12/2023 16:00

typo mistake encounter *

redfacebigdisgrace · 05/12/2023 16:01

@cerisepanther73 absolutely. I think you misunderstand me. I think it’s shocking. But unfortunately unlike homophobia/transphobia, being hateful to women is not yet a crime (yet).

2mummies1baby · 05/12/2023 16:06

Good for you, OP. You have done exactly the right thing and I hope you are able to get a sense of satisfaction from the fact that you have given a creepy misogynist a consequence for his pathetic behaviour.

OhComeOnFFS · 05/12/2023 16:36

Good for you, OP. That's a great email.

LittleMissSunshiner · 05/12/2023 16:47

Desolatewardrobe · 05/12/2023 07:16

I am so depressed by all the posts on here excusing/minimising this man’s behaviour and blaming the OP for her own entirely reasonable reaction.

Actions have consequences. At least they should do, and if they did more often, it might make for better behaviour.

Also, if this guy has decency within him (he might) then he needs to be given a chance to apologise and ask for forgiveness and assure that it will never happen again.

I dunno I'm not apologist for him but if he thought he was being funny har har and not funny fkn bullying or perverse or terrifying because he's got a very bad sense of discernment then maybe he deserves to be called out and given an opportunity to show humility and change his ways.

He might not be a monster he might just be a mindless dick with capacity to change.

Camerasforinthehouse · 05/12/2023 16:51

LittleMissSunshiner · 05/12/2023 16:47

Also, if this guy has decency within him (he might) then he needs to be given a chance to apologise and ask for forgiveness and assure that it will never happen again.

I dunno I'm not apologist for him but if he thought he was being funny har har and not funny fkn bullying or perverse or terrifying because he's got a very bad sense of discernment then maybe he deserves to be called out and given an opportunity to show humility and change his ways.

He might not be a monster he might just be a mindless dick with capacity to change.

Show quote history

He was given that chance. The OP contacted him. He ignited her and got in touch with her DH to say it was just a joke and to ‘sort it out’. He deserves anything coming to him. It’s high time men like him evolve.

Allfur · 05/12/2023 17:00

Well done op

LittleMissSunshiner · 05/12/2023 17:02

Camerasforinthehouse · 05/12/2023 16:51

He was given that chance. The OP contacted him. He ignited her and got in touch with her DH to say it was just a joke and to ‘sort it out’. He deserves anything coming to him. It’s high time men like him evolve.

Show quote history

Ah yep apologies, I had forgotten that part of the tale. Horrid man.

CatMadam · 05/12/2023 17:08

Pinkiefinger · 05/12/2023 13:29

Taking photos in a public place isn't a crime. It's also not a crime to belittle someone's appearance to others despite it been a really awful thing to Do.

I'd just brush it under the carpet and ignore it I wouldn't be out to get him fired you have no idea his family and if losing his job would result in kids starving or going without.

And please don't let your partner get himself in to trouble by taking it on himself to punish you don't want him getting in to bother too

Misogynistic behaviour like this man has shown should never be brushed under the carpet. Perhaps facing consequences for his behaviour will make him less likely to treat another woman like he has op.

Verv · 05/12/2023 17:13

Good on you OP, cracking email.

Josieangel21 · 05/12/2023 17:22

Well done, your email was very diplomatic to say the least. You have great dignity.