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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreement with husband over money

181 replies

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:06

I feel husband is very selfish and doesn't contribute as much as he should.

We got married this year and our finances have alway been separate and I am not happy with the lack of contribution from his side. I've not even asked for half of the bills or contributions towards the kids - I'd like him to contribute £300.

I pay -
All bills amounting to £1400 a month - that's including my personal DD. We also have children, I pay for everything for them ( that's not included in bills)

He sold his house and only has to pay for the car that he uses, I don't use it and he rarely takes me places in it. It's more for him to go to work, gym and also help his take his family places. The car is electric and pretty low maintenance- he pays for the electric used.
He has personal DD's that he pays for, they roughly come up to £400 a month.

After that his money is his and saves a lot after this.

I earn more than him roughly by £600 a month but we got into a disagreement about me asking him to contribute more. He made every excuse of how he has this and that to pay for.

We are going to buy a house soon with going half on everything. I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm getting the same selfish vibes.

He wasn't like this at the start, after we had our first child his attitude changed.

AIBU - to feel like I shouldn't have to pay all the bills alone and he does not contribute financially to the house hold/kids?

OP posts:
Sarvanga38 · 01/12/2023 14:08

We are going to buy a house soon with going half on everything.

Well, at least you have plenty of warning, so you know that it would be madness to go ahead with a house purchase with this man.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/12/2023 14:08

Agree with PP, do not buy a house with this cocklodger

ThinWomansBrain · 01/12/2023 14:11

If he has no sense of responsibility or acting as a partner now, why enmesh yourself further buy buying a house "with" him?

Get rid ASAP

ConflictedCheetah · 01/12/2023 14:16

You need to restructure your finances. I don't do it this way with DH but you often see people on here say that all salary goes into a joint account and then all house and family costs, including stuff for kids, comes out of joint account. And then you each get the same amount transferred a month for personal spends. It means the X pays for this and Y pays for this just goes away and your personal money is the same.

Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:17

Also there is no talking to him, he gets very defensive. I expressed my concerns over text because he is at work and he is now ignoring me 😒

OP posts:
GreenIsTheMagicColour · 01/12/2023 14:17

You pay for everything.
He pays for nothing.
How could you possibility be asking if YABU??
Unfortunately, you have made exactly the same mistake again 🤦🏽‍♀️

Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:19

ConflictedCheetah · 01/12/2023 14:16

You need to restructure your finances. I don't do it this way with DH but you often see people on here say that all salary goes into a joint account and then all house and family costs, including stuff for kids, comes out of joint account. And then you each get the same amount transferred a month for personal spends. It means the X pays for this and Y pays for this just goes away and your personal money is the same.

That's a good way to go about this, maybe I will put this forward to him later and see what he says.

We have a joint account, for food shopping. He has never contributed anything to this account.

OP posts:
Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:20

GreenIsTheMagicColour · 01/12/2023 14:17

You pay for everything.
He pays for nothing.
How could you possibility be asking if YABU??
Unfortunately, you have made exactly the same mistake again 🤦🏽‍♀️

He makes me feel like I am being unreasonable! Like makes me feel like I'm asking too much.
You are correct 😞

OP posts:
piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 14:20

not very joint then?

why did you marry him?

PennyForearm · 01/12/2023 14:20

I hope you’re in a rented house right now, that’ll make it far easier to bin him off when you come to your senses.

I take it you’ve got savings as a deposit for the house purchase? Do not buy a house with this man. He’s a selfish fuck and will bleed you dry.

piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 14:22

its not too late to divorce him

has he always been mean

WeekWeekWeek · 01/12/2023 14:24

We got married this year

What on earth possessed you?

Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:24

piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 14:20

not very joint then?

why did you marry him?

I thought he had the same mindset as me and would take care of me, how I was wrong.

I love him obviously, we have kids together and I didn't think he was like my ex at all

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 01/12/2023 14:24

He is a total piss taker -

Luxell934 · 01/12/2023 14:25

Who paid for the wedding?
How long have you lived together? Are you currently renting? Was the house yours first and he moved in I'm assuming?

piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 14:25

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:24

I thought he had the same mindset as me and would take care of me, how I was wrong.

I love him obviously, we have kids together and I didn't think he was like my ex at all

Show quote history

Did he contribute before you got married?

Did he contribute before you had dc?

Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:28

We've been together for 6 years, I paid for my dress and flowers, he paid for his suits. Ceremony and dinner we split it.

I am currently renting but it's my parent house - so I pay like £500 less than what they would usually get for it.

OP posts:
Fionaville · 01/12/2023 14:31

He's a bloody chancer! So he doesn't think he needs to pay to support his own kids? You'd be better off financially without him! I'd tell him that too.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 01/12/2023 14:34

I think your ‘landlords’ should kick him out.

fussychica · 01/12/2023 14:37

If he became like this after the first child came along why would you go ahead and have another with him?
He sounds a right charmer and looks like you've gone down the same road again as with your ex. Get rid now, it will only get worse.

piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 14:37

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:28

We've been together for 6 years, I paid for my dress and flowers, he paid for his suits. Ceremony and dinner we split it.

I am currently renting but it's my parent house - so I pay like £500 less than what they would usually get for it.

No, how much did he contribute to your living expenses BEFORE you had dc and got married

How much did he pay towards bills etc?

Wittyname10 · 01/12/2023 14:39

The only fair way to split it is to total your income, total your bills and each pay in proportion to your income - keeping personal direct debits separate.

Under the current situation buying a house with this person would be mad.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 01/12/2023 14:39

He pays nothing for his own kids or his own food?

You absolutely need a proper discussion about this. Do not buy a house with him until he stops sulking about finances and decides the act like a grown up.

He has shown you a side if him you were unaware of. Don't pretend you don't see it or that it doesn't matter.

wildwestpioneer · 01/12/2023 14:41

You are paying the rent/mortgage on your house, all the food and children stuff? He pays a couple of hundred!

He's obviously taking the piss, you know this! Maybe you can't see the wood for the trees, but you know in the back of your mind he's a freeloader:

JonsDragonQueen · 01/12/2023 14:42

Have you listed all the things you pay for next to a list of all his to clearly show him the stark differences?

Although tbh, men like him don't want to see, it's not in their interest to. He probably also sees the children as your hobby to care and pay for.
What does he add to your life that benefits you? I can see how you benefit him.

Do not buy a house with this man!