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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreement with husband over money

181 replies

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:06

I feel husband is very selfish and doesn't contribute as much as he should.

We got married this year and our finances have alway been separate and I am not happy with the lack of contribution from his side. I've not even asked for half of the bills or contributions towards the kids - I'd like him to contribute £300.

I pay -
All bills amounting to £1400 a month - that's including my personal DD. We also have children, I pay for everything for them ( that's not included in bills)

He sold his house and only has to pay for the car that he uses, I don't use it and he rarely takes me places in it. It's more for him to go to work, gym and also help his take his family places. The car is electric and pretty low maintenance- he pays for the electric used.
He has personal DD's that he pays for, they roughly come up to £400 a month.

After that his money is his and saves a lot after this.

I earn more than him roughly by £600 a month but we got into a disagreement about me asking him to contribute more. He made every excuse of how he has this and that to pay for.

We are going to buy a house soon with going half on everything. I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm getting the same selfish vibes.

He wasn't like this at the start, after we had our first child his attitude changed.

AIBU - to feel like I shouldn't have to pay all the bills alone and he does not contribute financially to the house hold/kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:42

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 01/12/2023 14:39

He pays nothing for his own kids or his own food?

You absolutely need a proper discussion about this. Do not buy a house with him until he stops sulking about finances and decides the act like a grown up.

He has shown you a side if him you were unaware of. Don't pretend you don't see it or that it doesn't matter.

Definitely not, especially before such an important move. I have made it abundantly clear that when we buy a house we go half on everything deposit fees, mortgage and bills.

But I will be surprised if it doesn't end up in a big argument, he is very defensive. He will probably walk out and go to his brothers ( he has done this in the past).

OP posts:
piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 14:44

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:42

Definitely not, especially before such an important move. I have made it abundantly clear that when we buy a house we go half on everything deposit fees, mortgage and bills.

But I will be surprised if it doesn't end up in a big argument, he is very defensive. He will probably walk out and go to his brothers ( he has done this in the past).

Show quote history

So this leach is paying nothing?

I cannot believe this is new behaviour, why did you marry him?

Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:44

JonsDragonQueen · 01/12/2023 14:42

Have you listed all the things you pay for next to a list of all his to clearly show him the stark differences?

Although tbh, men like him don't want to see, it's not in their interest to. He probably also sees the children as your hobby to care and pay for.
What does he add to your life that benefits you? I can see how you benefit him.

Do not buy a house with this man!

I haven't done this and even if I did he would just make excuses but yes I pay way more than him. It's not right. He doesn't do childcare or picking up - I manage this alone.

OP posts:
SheIsStuck23 · 01/12/2023 14:44

What am I reading?

Why, why, why are there women who tolerate this shit!?!

God OP, he’s taking you for an absolute fool.

DTB because this is so far from a ‘normal’ marriage that I’m astounded you’re even having to ask if you’re being unreasonable?!

OhComeOnFFS · 01/12/2023 14:45

Oh god, this man is awful! He's just a cocklodger, OP, can't you see that?

You and the children will never be as important to him as the money in his pocket.

I wouldn't buy a house with him. I wouldn't carry on living with him. I'd buy a cheaper house myself or continue living in your parents' home - it's very generous of them to let you live there at a reduced price - I bet your husband never does anything to help them out in return, does he?

Bostonbakedbeans · 01/12/2023 14:46

You are in another financially abusive relationship.
List everything you both pay for him and ask him to pay the bills proportionally based on what you both earn. If he doesnt like it then dont fgs buy a house with him. What does he do with all the money he saves/doesnt spend on bills each month? Do you have joint savings?

Haydenn · 01/12/2023 14:49

Please leave him. I’ve been there-making excuses for someone as to why they shouldn’t have to pay their way and thinking things will be different when you own a place together. Believe me it doesn’t change, it never gets better and it just becomes harder to leave because you have more ties.

dont buy a property with this man. He’s showing you now who he is.

piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 14:49

piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 14:44

So this leach is paying nothing?

I cannot believe this is new behaviour, why did you marry him?

Show quote history

this cannot be real

therealcookiemonster · 01/12/2023 14:49

I have come to dislike the term cocklodger. it sounds funny and takes away from what this actually is. which is financial abuse.

I see a lot of women here confusing attachment with love. you have to like someone to love them. you don't like him ergo you don't love him.

Penguinsmum · 01/12/2023 14:51

Omg he must be really really good in bed for you to put up with this!

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 01/12/2023 14:51

You know being single isn't a terrible thing. You are already basically a lone parent in terms of support and money. He is also unpleasant to you. Dismissing you and not engaging in important conversations.

What is he bringing to this "partnership"? Why do you feel being treated like this is better than being in control of your own life independently as a single mother. You are already financially independent as you pay for everything.

Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:51

therealcookiemonster · 01/12/2023 14:49

I have come to dislike the term cocklodger. it sounds funny and takes away from what this actually is. which is financial abuse.

I see a lot of women here confusing attachment with love. you have to like someone to love them. you don't like him ergo you don't love him.

I feel like this is so true, I'm starting to resent him. His lifestyle, attitude and financial contributions. I do dislike him, when I really think about it.

OP posts:
Sarvanga38 · 01/12/2023 14:53

I have made it abundantly clear that when we buy a house we go half on everything deposit fees, mortgage and bills.

But why on earth would you believe him when he says that he will ACTUALLY do that, when he's behaving as he is now? 😣 Is it not far more likely that he will continue to take the piss?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 14:54

I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again.

Too late, you already have.

Get divorced now, op. It's doomed to fail, you might as well end it now before you're in too deep. A short marriage may make the split easier.

therealcookiemonster · 01/12/2023 14:55

@moanymoanymoany I'm glad you are coming to realise that. this is the first step to the scales falling from your eyes.

and the reason he gets defensive is because he is using you and he will do everything possible to shut down challenges. I really don't think there is a way out of this apart from leaving him tbh. be careful though, he will try to bleed you of any savings/assets.

Pumpkinpie1 · 01/12/2023 14:56

OP you are a single parent in everything you do and pay, your H is not contributing physically financially and emotionally.

Sometimes we have to admit we have done our best but a relationship is no longer worth saving.
You deserve better . Your kids deserve a role model who doesn’t treat their mum like an atm and skivvy.

Dont buy anything with this man ! He’s really not worth your time or money

Luxell934 · 01/12/2023 14:57

Don't even think about buying a house with this man until he has started paying everything 50/50 (or maybe 60/40 if he earns less) for a significant period of time.

Pugdays · 01/12/2023 15:00

The first reply sums up everything nicely

Pallisers · 01/12/2023 15:04

But I will be surprised if it doesn't end up in a big argument, he is very defensive. He will probably walk out and go to his brothers ( he has done this in the past).

Let him go. Tell him he can collect his stuff over the weekend (and have someone there with you). And immediately put in a claim for child support. Given that your parents own the house and he pays no rent, I suspect you are in a position to just kick him out of the house in a way you wouldn't if it was your joint home or joint rental. If you buy with him, you'll never get rid of him.

OP, you have indeed made the same mistake but you are aware of it and not tolerating it - well done.

Therealjudgejudy · 01/12/2023 15:04

Good grief, why did you marry this total freeloading twat?

He doesn't contribute towards food, he doesn't eat. Simple

Bananalanacake · 01/12/2023 15:07

He doesn't do childcare? what if you go out for the night, or for a weekend, would he look after them then.

But yes, I would divorce Before you buy a house.

YouJustDoYou · 01/12/2023 15:09

Sarvanga38 · 01/12/2023 14:08

We are going to buy a house soon with going half on everything.

Well, at least you have plenty of warning, so you know that it would be madness to go ahead with a house purchase with this man.

Oh god, this. Do NOT buy a house with this man.

ohtowinthelottery · 01/12/2023 15:10

Tell him if he's not prepared to discuss it like an adult and take responsibility for his children and household he can clear off to his brother's house again and take all his stuff with him. The divorce papers will follow idc.

Pigeonqueen · 01/12/2023 15:12

Wow. He’s awful.

As a starting point you both need equal spending money. Everything else should be joint. If he won’t agree to this you dump and run it’s that simple. Do not buy a house with him.

AutumnFroglets · 01/12/2023 15:13

Not read all the thread yet but this jumped out at me.

I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially.

You've found (and ffs, married!) another one. Do not buy a house together. Seek counselling, then ....unless he suddenly changes , ltb now. With only being a short marriage you get to keep your assets, stay longer and you will have to pay him to get rid.