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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreement with husband over money

181 replies

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:06

I feel husband is very selfish and doesn't contribute as much as he should.

We got married this year and our finances have alway been separate and I am not happy with the lack of contribution from his side. I've not even asked for half of the bills or contributions towards the kids - I'd like him to contribute £300.

I pay -
All bills amounting to £1400 a month - that's including my personal DD. We also have children, I pay for everything for them ( that's not included in bills)

He sold his house and only has to pay for the car that he uses, I don't use it and he rarely takes me places in it. It's more for him to go to work, gym and also help his take his family places. The car is electric and pretty low maintenance- he pays for the electric used.
He has personal DD's that he pays for, they roughly come up to £400 a month.

After that his money is his and saves a lot after this.

I earn more than him roughly by £600 a month but we got into a disagreement about me asking him to contribute more. He made every excuse of how he has this and that to pay for.

We are going to buy a house soon with going half on everything. I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm getting the same selfish vibes.

He wasn't like this at the start, after we had our first child his attitude changed.

AIBU - to feel like I shouldn't have to pay all the bills alone and he does not contribute financially to the house hold/kids?

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 01/12/2023 16:25

justasking111 · 01/12/2023 16:15

Oh yes do another poster on here last month found everything drained inside a day.

Show quote history

exactly why I suggested it. and not just one poster, seen it a few times in the last year alone.

Cailleachian · 01/12/2023 16:26

Penguinsmum · 01/12/2023 14:51

Omg he must be really really good in bed for you to put up with this!

Do you really think women stay in abusive situations for sexual pleasure?

Really?

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2023 16:28

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:42

Definitely not, especially before such an important move. I have made it abundantly clear that when we buy a house we go half on everything deposit fees, mortgage and bills.

But I will be surprised if it doesn't end up in a big argument, he is very defensive. He will probably walk out and go to his brothers ( he has done this in the past).

Show quote history

What's to love?

Seriously, what's to love?

If I was kind I'd say he was taking the piss, but actually he's stealing money from his own family.

Start making plans. He won't change

Nanaof1 · 01/12/2023 16:29

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Sorry, missed this one in the "read all posts". It sounds like he is trying to force you to beg him to stay. He will soon find out how little money he will have on his own and perhaps he will GTFU.

It also shows that he knew what he was doing was wrong, so now that he is caught, is just bailing until he finds the next woman to financially abuse.

Good on you, OP, for staying strong and realizing you were being played. Yes, you dodged a bullet, but better to have dodged it than to have been struck down with it.
I wish you the very best in the future and I think you will do smashingly.

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2023 16:29

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Whatever.

YOU tell him it's over. And stick to it

Then go to CMS. That'll make him pay

Wishimaywishimight · 01/12/2023 16:30

You can make it "abundantly clear" til the cows come home but clearly he is not suddenly going to start to contribute just because you move house.

If you buy a house with a man who pays nothing towards his own children then you need your head examined.

ithinkmyheadiscavingin · 01/12/2023 16:33

You're in a financially abusive relationship.

I'd be seeking legal advice and getting him out.

Giggorata · 01/12/2023 16:35

And do get that money - that only you have paid into - out of that so called joint account, as soon as poss.

OhmygodDont · 01/12/2023 16:35

Take him up on his leaving the home. Any chance you didn’t consummate the marriage this year 😅 get a quick annulment.

seriously though don’t fight for this relationship his an arse who’s taken advantage

ManateeFair · 01/12/2023 16:37

I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again

But OP, you already have made the same mistake. You say he changed after you had your first child, but you went on to have more children with him and recently got married. Even though he has never contributed anything - literally nothing - to your household finances, including towards the care of his own children. And even though he is emotionally abusive. (Because yes, getting angry and defensive and storming out of the house every time you ask him a perfectly reasonable question about money absolutely IS abusive behaviour. You must see that, right?)

Get rid of this horrible man from your life. He's a shit partner and a shit dad. Go through CMS for maintenance money from him.

Please, please do not start any more relationships until you've had some counselling/therapy, because the fact that you went from one abusive scrounging bastard husband to a second abusive scrounging bastard husband is a serious worry. It sounds like you really lack boundaries and judgement around what a healthy relationship is like, and this is making you vulnerable to abuse.

Viviennemary · 01/12/2023 16:39

Why on earth did you marry this mean guy. Waste of time. I would call it a day. Why should you pay for everything.,

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/12/2023 16:40

he would have contributed to half the bills...

So why didn't he? Why was he waiting for you to buy a house before he started to contribute? Did he think it wasn't costing anything for him to eat or for his kids to eat until he owned a house?

horseyhorsey17 · 01/12/2023 16:43

Why are you married to a man who doesn't financially support your own joint kids? I don't get it. Why have you been putting up with this?

JonsDragonQueen · 01/12/2023 16:46

Glad he's leaving OP, don't let his brother convince you to take him back either. And file a claim with CMS I doubt he's the type to pay off his own back.

Onwards and upwards!

billy1966 · 01/12/2023 16:46

Your poor children.

You have gone from one abusive prick to another.

And now you want to buy a house with him?

Dear god, how many awful men do you need in your one life?

Why would you move out to another abusive situation and buy a house with him?.

Why are you allowing this?

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is.

Let him move out.

Apply for CM.

Divorce him.

Stay the hell away from men.

This is financial abuse, a crime now?

Ring Women's aid and wake up to the nightmare that bringing these awful men into your life means for the children you produce with them.

Tell family and friends the truth asap.

Get him out of the house that he pays nothing towards.

Your children deserve so much better than a waster like this in their life.

horseyhorsey17 · 01/12/2023 16:46

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

So now you've asked him to contribute financially, he's left you?

What an absolute bellend. Well OP, you're well rid of him. Make sure the CSA forces him to pay something for his children.

squeekychicken · 01/12/2023 16:47

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship never mind being married and having kids. He sounds about 12.

Nowherenew · 01/12/2023 16:47

sparkellie · 01/12/2023 16:04

Tell him not to come home, and pack his stuff for him.
Otherwise he will just keep coming up with excuse after excuse for why he hasn't moved out yet, whilst continuing not to pay towards the bills.
He's told you he's moving out. You just have to hold him to it.

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Exactly!

This is just his excuse to pay even less.

PaminaMozart · 01/12/2023 16:51

Every day is a school day at Mumsnet! I mean, what the actual fick?

He wasn't like this at the start, after we had our first child his attitude changed.

So why have more kids? And marry him? And now you seriously consider buying a house with him? Plus, did I read correctly somewhere in your posts that you're not sure you even like him?

Seriously, @moanymoanymoany , can you just stop sleepwalking through your life and take charge - as in putting yourself and your children first?

LaurieStrode · 01/12/2023 16:52

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:51

I feel like this is so true, I'm starting to resent him. His lifestyle, attitude and financial contributions. I do dislike him, when I really think about it.

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And you married him? And bore a child by him? Why?

uhOhOP · 01/12/2023 16:55

@moanymoanymoany Too bad you're already married to this man. I'd seriously consider cutting your losses now.

You pay for all of the bills.
You pay for everything for your children.
Sounds as though you pay for all of the groceries, too.
He saves a lot of money. Presumably you do not save an awful lot.
You asked him to contribute a little more and that caused a disagreement.

I think this man will not change. He probably (I've not read all of your posts just yet) uses it against you that you earn £600 a month more than he earns and uses it as a reason to not contribute more because you're the "higher earner".

Leave him. He's probably a miserable penny pincher who'll eventually bring down you and the children, assuming he hasn't already. Leave him.

uhOhOP · 01/12/2023 17:01

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Sounds like a win. Just need him to confirm that he is actually moving out so you can breathe a sigh of relief, and then you can move swiftly on to divorce proceedings and arranging things such as when he will see the children and how much he will be paying per month.

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 01/12/2023 17:07

As he is your actual husband do not buy a house with him. He will be entitled to half of it when he buggers off.

Inertia · 01/12/2023 17:28

You’re in a toxic, financially abusive relationship again.

For the love of god don’t buy a house with him. You’re in a reasonably secure position in terms of housing, given that you rent from your parents. Is he on a tenancy agreement? If not, let him go and get your CMS claim in immediately.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2023 17:32

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Just goes to show he was cock-lodging the whole time. He 'would have contributed' my Great Aunt Fanny!

It could be that he's leaving permanently because he sees you've wised up to him. It could also be a ploy to 'put the fear of God into you' and make you beg to have him back, so don't be surprised if he tells you he's no longer angry and that he'll now make a contribution. Don't be surprised, but don't be fooled. At any rate, this shows me that this is NOT the first time he's cock-lodged, and probably won't be the last.

Since you're married, just be sure that you have separated ALL finances, removed any money that is 'yours' if there are any joint finances, cancel or remove your name from the accounts of everything that is 'his' (sky sport, gaming sites, Amazon, etc). Change all your passwords. Hell hath no fury like a cock-lodger deprived of his 'lodgings'. See a solicitor to get a divorce going. And if there happens to be a rental contract in both names, have your parents write up a new one in your name only, effective immediately.