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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disagreement with husband over money

181 replies

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:06

I feel husband is very selfish and doesn't contribute as much as he should.

We got married this year and our finances have alway been separate and I am not happy with the lack of contribution from his side. I've not even asked for half of the bills or contributions towards the kids - I'd like him to contribute £300.

I pay -
All bills amounting to £1400 a month - that's including my personal DD. We also have children, I pay for everything for them ( that's not included in bills)

He sold his house and only has to pay for the car that he uses, I don't use it and he rarely takes me places in it. It's more for him to go to work, gym and also help his take his family places. The car is electric and pretty low maintenance- he pays for the electric used.
He has personal DD's that he pays for, they roughly come up to £400 a month.

After that his money is his and saves a lot after this.

I earn more than him roughly by £600 a month but we got into a disagreement about me asking him to contribute more. He made every excuse of how he has this and that to pay for.

We are going to buy a house soon with going half on everything. I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm getting the same selfish vibes.

He wasn't like this at the start, after we had our first child his attitude changed.

AIBU - to feel like I shouldn't have to pay all the bills alone and he does not contribute financially to the house hold/kids?

OP posts:

Koalatreats · 01/12/2023 17:44

He wants you to beg and plead and never ask for money again.

Text him to say his belongings will be on the door step to collect. Let him stay with his brother. If you have more assets than him then start the divorce proceedings. No point prolonging it.

Do not buy with him, you couldn’t kick him out and he could abuse you by refusing to pay towards the mortgage destroying your ability to get credit.

He played his hand too soon - he’s stupid as well as abusive.

WowOK · 01/12/2023 17:49

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

That's fine. He needs to take all of his stuff and get out then.

You are meant to be his partner. Your meant to be a team. He shouldn't be living off of you.

His comment he would have paid half is a bull. He hadn't paid half. He's chosen not too and then advantage.

Honeychickpea · 01/12/2023 17:50

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:42

Definitely not, especially before such an important move. I have made it abundantly clear that when we buy a house we go half on everything deposit fees, mortgage and bills.

But I will be surprised if it doesn't end up in a big argument, he is very defensive. He will probably walk out and go to his brothers ( he has done this in the past).

Show quote history

Don't be a fool. He won't pay half, he will freeload, and then get half the equity in the house when you eventually divorce. It would be wise to divorce now, when you may get half of his savings. Two can play that game.

Original poster

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 17:51

He is talking all sorts of broken promises of how he would've done anything for me, telling me I only remember all the stuff he doesn't do. He said I've changed and become tighter and very money oriented.

I just said he is nuts if he thinks this is how a marriage should be. He said he isn't coming back, and I'm kind of glad.

We've had arguments before and I've always begged or been the one to offer my hand to sort it out but I feel differently about this, I feel resentful and broken that I've had to lower myself to ask for the basics in a marriage. It's hard but I feel relieved if he actually doesn't come back here.

OP posts:

Daleksatemyshed · 01/12/2023 17:53

It's a blessing that your DPs own the house, it will make it much easier getting him out Op. I'm sorry for you @moanymoanymoany because I think you really wanted this to work out but I also think you've had your doubts for some time, your marriage was the triumph of hope over common sense. Please don't let him play you anymore, he's quite shamelessly taken advantage of you, you'll end up paying the mortgage and bills and he'll still hold his hand out for half the equity if you divorce.

greencheetah · 01/12/2023 17:55

Given your housing situation I would change the locks so he can’t bloody come back.

Unfortunately, if you are in UK you will have to wait a year from marriage to file for divorce, but whack in a CMS claim in the meantime.

Els1e · 01/12/2023 17:56

Thank your lucky stars he has moved out. Hold your head up high and change the locks. You are so much better than this scenario.

AirborneElephant · 01/12/2023 18:00

I’m glad you found this out before buying a house with this deadbeat. Definitely put in a CMS claim ASAP - it cant be backdated so don’t waste any time talking to him first, you know he will pay nothing voluntarily.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/12/2023 18:03

I cross posted with you Op, I'm glad you've seen the light. Saying you've become tighter and money focussed is just his way of saying he's realised his free ride is over.

PickAChew · 01/12/2023 18:10

It's a relief that he's burnt his bridges with you.

Him calling you tight is classic DARVO. Prick!

Nicole1111 · 01/12/2023 18:50

Because he is domestically abusive his approach now will be to gaslight you in to believing you are in the wrong, and to manipulate you in to doing what he wants. He will be playing the victim card hard. In this instance what he wants is for you to continue to fund yourself and your child so he can live his best life with very minimal outgoings. You must ignore what he says and keep returning to the facts. Write a “reality list” of them on your phone and each time he gets in your head re read it, even if you’re reading it 100 times a day. For example - Fact 1 - he hasn’t ever contributed to the cost of feeding our child. Also take a look at this image and make a note of how else he might be abusing you.

samqueens · 01/12/2023 18:57

I’m really, really sorry OP, and I realise you probably don’t want to and won’t be able to hear this right now, but the same thing he just happened to you again.

Read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (Read discreetly, download on kindle or Apple Books app). This will help you disentangle the feelings he is trying to ‘make’ you have from your actual feelings and give you a better sense in general of whether YABU. My guess is that you’re going to find you’re not being unreasonable and that he is, in fact, abusive. This is not your fault - it often comes to light after a baby and it’s easy to be fooled by a plausible liar, how could you not be? You didn’t have all the relevant information.

Echo PP’s - do NOT buy a house with him unless you want to be trapped in the inequality of this relationship forever. Hope you only have one child - don’t get pregnant again until this is all sorted out.

If you aren’t able to consider this possibility now then I hope you’ll bank the information and hopefully it will help you in future when you are ready.

good luck 💐

samqueens · 01/12/2023 18:59

Sorry - just read your update. I’m glad to hear it - but he will come back, with a pile of promises and guilt trips… work out what you want and stick to your guns. You’ll get more than 0 from CMS!

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 01/12/2023 19:00

Selfish and ignorant are not particularly desirable traits.

Infertilitylady · 01/12/2023 19:10

Don’t buy a house with him omg ! If he really loves you , wouldn’t he take the burden off you and try and pay as much as possible ? He should want to see you happy and help in anyway he can , but it seems that he could but he doesn’t want to ! So that tells you something !

momtoboys · 01/12/2023 19:24

Well, this went downhill fast. I'm sure it feels terrible now but your entire life could have been like this.

Nowherenew · 01/12/2023 19:35

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 01/12/2023 17:07

As he is your actual husband do not buy a house with him. He will be entitled to half of it when he buggers off.

This was probably his plan.

He sounds like a very selfish person who obviously is not committed to this marriage.

Stay strong OP.
He’s shown you what he thinks of you.

Original poster

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 22:56

He ended up coming back, we exchanged a few heated words and now are not speaking to each other. He has the cheek to cook and shower!! Fuming

OP posts:

PickAChew · 01/12/2023 23:14

You need to tell him to leave. Find your voice. Don't try to reason or negotiate. He's proved again that you can't trust his word because he didn't even stay buggered off when he said he would.

AutumnFroglets · 01/12/2023 23:14

Has this thread helped you in any way? Do you believe you see his actions a bit clearer?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/12/2023 23:26

It's late now. Get some sleep, then tomorrow, make it clear that it's over (if that's what you've decided), then tell him to pack his belongings and go. File the CMS claim first thing on Monday (unless you can do it online, then do it tomorrow!).

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/12/2023 23:27

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 22:56

He ended up coming back, we exchanged a few heated words and now are not speaking to each other. He has the cheek to cook and shower!! Fuming

He came back himself because you didn't beg him to come back. So he realised his manipulation hadn't worked. He's playing games with you. He's not a good man.

Original poster

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 23:46

I feel this thread has made me see that I am not unreasonable or going mad, I'm not asking for much at all.

I'm just going to chill and take tomorrow as another day - I won't be bowing down at all, he came back and when he told me we should get a divorce earlier and how he wasn't going to come back!! Mind fucking me

OP posts:

Cornishclio · 01/12/2023 23:47

Why on Earth have you let him get away with paying just £300 a month when you are paying £1400? Why doesn't he pay for food or the children? Something is very wrong here,

As soon as DH and I had a house then children together we merged our finances. Everything goes in and out from our joint account but we each get the same amount of spending money in personal accounts.. it sounds like your DH is happy for you to pay for everything while he squirrels his money away somewhere. Unacceptable.

feelingalittlehorse · 01/12/2023 23:57

Nothing would make my vagine drier than someone constantly sponging off me.

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