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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreement with husband over money

181 replies

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:06

I feel husband is very selfish and doesn't contribute as much as he should.

We got married this year and our finances have alway been separate and I am not happy with the lack of contribution from his side. I've not even asked for half of the bills or contributions towards the kids - I'd like him to contribute £300.

I pay -
All bills amounting to £1400 a month - that's including my personal DD. We also have children, I pay for everything for them ( that's not included in bills)

He sold his house and only has to pay for the car that he uses, I don't use it and he rarely takes me places in it. It's more for him to go to work, gym and also help his take his family places. The car is electric and pretty low maintenance- he pays for the electric used.
He has personal DD's that he pays for, they roughly come up to £400 a month.

After that his money is his and saves a lot after this.

I earn more than him roughly by £600 a month but we got into a disagreement about me asking him to contribute more. He made every excuse of how he has this and that to pay for.

We are going to buy a house soon with going half on everything. I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm getting the same selfish vibes.

He wasn't like this at the start, after we had our first child his attitude changed.

AIBU - to feel like I shouldn't have to pay all the bills alone and he does not contribute financially to the house hold/kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 01/12/2023 15:48

You both need to work out the cost of rent and household bills then agree to a figure to contribute for kids clothes etc. Once you know how much everything costs split it 60/40 with you paying the higher amount as you are the higher earner then any money you both have left in personal accounts is to pay personal DD and do as you wish with.
It amazes me how people (male/female) think they can just float through life without having to pay anything, why shouldn’t he contribute rent or bills…. He lives there and uses utilities. If it was me I would set this arrangement up and he would have to of been paying his share for a good few months before I’d even consider buying with him. If he didn’t want to contribute then I’d have to say ok goodbye go find yourself somewhere and pay 100% of rent and bills

therealcookiemonster · 01/12/2023 15:49

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

you should invoice him for all the months he didn't contribute

Superscientist · 01/12/2023 15:49

Do not buy a house together until it demonstrates that he can contribute to the family.

We have a spreadsheet with all of the joint outgoings on. I work part time so my partner earns more than me. We don't split the bill 50:50 but we vary it depending on my earnings for something that is fair I think we currently are on 55:45. Some years my bonus brings me close to his salary and I pay a one off amount to reflect that our salaries are now closer. When finding the right amount we balance the % of earnings being paid into the account, the % left and the proportion we pay relative to one another. It's a bit of a juggle but this works for us. We have been doing this for 13 years now and during this time both of us have had periods of less money than the other person and be a bit fluid in amounts as long as it's fair on both of us.

Do you feel like the current situation is fair on you?
I would absolutely be pushing that if he will be capable of paying half when you buy a house why can't he do it now?

Nowherenew · 01/12/2023 15:52

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

He’s throwing his toys out of the pram because you’ve asked him to treat you like a partner and actually contribute to his own expenses.

Even a lodger would pay more than him.

I’m shocked you’ve let it get this far, he must have been laughing. No wonder he wanted to buy a house with you!

I’m so glad you’ve posted on here.
You’re obviously a very nice person and your past relationship has left you a bit vulnerable to a CF like this.

You’ve absolutely dodged a bullet.

Oh and make sure he doesn’t eat anything or use any electricity etc unless he pays for it - he’s obviously trying to not pay for anything now because he claims he’s moving out.
Tell him to pack his bags asap.

Borth · 01/12/2023 15:52

Are you a couple or two individuals living in the same house? I’ve never understood separate finances when people are married.

Giggorata · 01/12/2023 15:53

I've read this thread in dismay. Please listen to everyone and bin this man. He is conning you rotten.

followmyflow · 01/12/2023 15:54

sounds like hes throwing a tantrum op. ugh, why do people do this? it's not hard to behave like an adult. do you think hes capable of discussing it rationally eventually?

PickAChew · 01/12/2023 15:54

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Make sure he follows through, then rather than just using this as a way of having a pointless tantrum designed to do nothing but shut you up. Lock the door securely behind him, both literally and figuratively.

Mylovelygreendress · 01/12/2023 15:56

Borth · 01/12/2023 15:52

Are you a couple or two individuals living in the same house? I’ve never understood separate finances when people are married.

What is it you don’t understand ?
Surely it’s not hard to understand that people happily and successfully do things differently ?
DH and I have been married for 30+ years and only have a joint account for bills . Everything else is separate. No problems .
( sorry OP for derailing )

MammaTo · 01/12/2023 15:57

I think you’re a bit late in asking the question. You’re already married and have kids with him, what difference will moving in make to him?
You’ve attached yourself to him already so all you can do is get him to change his mindset or make plans to leave.

LizzyA123 · 01/12/2023 15:59

You need to apportion all shared bills in a ratio based on your take home pay and child benefit received etc. Each pay the relevant amount from your personal account into the joint account that bills are paid from. Next apportion any variable joint costs such as food shopping, kids clubs, unforeseen joint expenses etc the same way.

Each pay for your own loans, phones, cars etc.

Works well for my family.

Luxell934 · 01/12/2023 16:01

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

I'd say good riddance. Although something tells me he will come crawling back when he realises that if he moves out on his own he will have to pay 100% of bills plus child support.

Spottyplant · 01/12/2023 16:02

Ask him to leave. Divorce him. Financially you will be better off and he will have to pay Child Maintenance.

sparkellie · 01/12/2023 16:04

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Tell him not to come home, and pack his stuff for him.
Otherwise he will just keep coming up with excuse after excuse for why he hasn't moved out yet, whilst continuing not to pay towards the bills.
He's told you he's moving out. You just have to hold him to it.

Nanaof1 · 01/12/2023 16:05

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:24

I thought he had the same mindset as me and would take care of me, how I was wrong.

I love him obviously, we have kids together and I didn't think he was like my ex at all

Show quote history

Well, now you know how he really feels, and it's totally up to you to fix it.
He doesn't want a joint relationship with sharing the costs. He adds nothing to the food budget, but I am betting has no trouble spending it, he gets to do whatever he wants with his money, while yours goes into bills and child costs. Your NAADH has found a good thing and will be as abusive as he needs to be to not lose his golden goose. IOW--he's a cocklodger, as he knows you did it once so why not for him as long as it lasts. (NAADH=Not At All Dear Husband)

Hopefully, you value yourself more than that. You buy a house with this man, and he will end up taking you for everything, as he will get all the benefits and not the responsibility of owning a home. Please, be smarter. He would give me the "ick" for acting the way he does, and I would be falling "out of love" PDQ.

SoTiredNeedHoliday · 01/12/2023 16:06

PickAChew · 01/12/2023 15:54

Make sure he follows through, then rather than just using this as a way of having a pointless tantrum designed to do nothing but shut you up. Lock the door securely behind him, both literally and figuratively.

Show quote history

Exactly as @PickAChew says, I would bet he's just trying to get you to forget it to 'keep him'.

You absolutely can't be paying for everything and him benefiting from it and then treating you like this when you bring it up...... So lucky you haven't got the house yet, imagine how that would go!

therealcookiemonster · 01/12/2023 16:08

@moanymoanymoany if I were you, I would take out all the money from the 'joint' account. otherwise he will drain it.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/12/2023 16:12

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 15:47

He said he would have contributed to half of the bills but he doesn't need to now because he is moving out, he isn't sleeping, eating or bathing here.

Not sure if he means he is moving out or it's over or what?? Subliminal messages, twat. I will take it as all of the above. I'm sad but I'm gonna see it as a dodged bullet.

Great news op. Yes a bullet dodged. You won't see it like that yet, but give it a while and you will.

greencheetah · 01/12/2023 16:13

The threat to move out is your cue to get back into line. Don’t fall for it.

It is a shame you are married, but at least you haven’t made the mistake of buying anywhere with him.

What a Wankbadger he is! Do not have him back!!

Strictlymad · 01/12/2023 16:14

I always think it’s better to see it as what you take out for personal spends, than what you put in. You are a family unit with family income. Get both pay check to pay into joint account. Out of this comes all bills, car, food, kids clothes etc etc. Save a chunk monthly and take out an agreed amount to personal accounts to do what you will with. Ynab is a fab price of software for analysing expenses. And no do not buy a house with this man…..

justasking111 · 01/12/2023 16:15

therealcookiemonster · 01/12/2023 16:08

@moanymoanymoany if I were you, I would take out all the money from the 'joint' account. otherwise he will drain it.

Oh yes do another poster on here last month found everything drained inside a day.

Noshowlomo · 01/12/2023 16:18

You definitely dodged a bullet!

LookItsMeAgain · 01/12/2023 16:18

Do not buy a house with this person.

Really.

Don't.

You're going to be setting yourself up for a whole heap of heart ache and trouble if you enmesh yourself with him further.

He is a miserly man. You would be better off separating and then divorcing due to irreconcilable differences.

randomusername2020 · 01/12/2023 16:22

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.