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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreement with husband over money

181 replies

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:06

I feel husband is very selfish and doesn't contribute as much as he should.

We got married this year and our finances have alway been separate and I am not happy with the lack of contribution from his side. I've not even asked for half of the bills or contributions towards the kids - I'd like him to contribute £300.

I pay -
All bills amounting to £1400 a month - that's including my personal DD. We also have children, I pay for everything for them ( that's not included in bills)

He sold his house and only has to pay for the car that he uses, I don't use it and he rarely takes me places in it. It's more for him to go to work, gym and also help his take his family places. The car is electric and pretty low maintenance- he pays for the electric used.
He has personal DD's that he pays for, they roughly come up to £400 a month.

After that his money is his and saves a lot after this.

I earn more than him roughly by £600 a month but we got into a disagreement about me asking him to contribute more. He made every excuse of how he has this and that to pay for.

We are going to buy a house soon with going half on everything. I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm getting the same selfish vibes.

He wasn't like this at the start, after we had our first child his attitude changed.

AIBU - to feel like I shouldn't have to pay all the bills alone and he does not contribute financially to the house hold/kids?

OP posts:
buidhe · 02/12/2023 00:00

His earlier flounce was just a manipulation tactic. Look out for more of these. Don't doubt yourself, you are being completely reasonable and up til now you've been overly generous. Get yourself a few stock phrases - e.g. 'I disagree', 'no reasonable person would see it like that", 'you should do what you feel is right' (if he threatens leaving etc). Do not waiver. Find your anger at his completely taking advantage of you and well done for nipping it in the bud. The best time to do this was way back when, but the next best time to do this is right now.

randomusername2020 · 02/12/2023 00:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

TurqoiseJasper · 02/12/2023 01:46

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:19

That's a good way to go about this, maybe I will put this forward to him later and see what he says.

We have a joint account, for food shopping. He has never contributed anything to this account.

Show quote history

Oh yes? Make bloody sure he doesn't eat then. What a bastard.

Nanaof1 · 02/12/2023 03:45

This reply has been deleted

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Until she does something firm and meaningful, he will continue to walk all over the OP and she will let him.
He should be tossed to the curb at first light, protect any and all money in the "joint account", have the locks changed and ask your parents to write a new contract for a lease if AHDH is on the lease. File for CMS first thing Monday.

I hope the OP is not all talk and then let him gaslight her. He is truly a horrible human being and quite manipulative.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 02/12/2023 03:51

So he happily pays for his first child but pays nothing towards the ones he’s had with you?

what an absolute arsehole. At least when you get divorced you’ll get maintenance payments.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 02/12/2023 04:47

If it’s your parents house change the locks next time he leaves… Bag up his stuff … Do your parents know what is happening?

Change the wifi password

Most importantly tell him to get out and you want a divorce , put a CMS claim in the next day… And 100% do the freedom program or get counseling as you need help setting boundaries and expectations

wildwestpioneer · 02/12/2023 05:01

Threatening you with divorce, leaving and then coming back. It's all just tricks to get you to stop asking for what's unreasonable. He knows he's been screwing your financially (financial abuse you could say), and can see his cushy life disappearing down the drain, so has taken to threatening you with things that have worked in the past.

I'd be handing him a bag tomorrow and telling him you accept his proposal to divorce and he needs to find himself alternative accommodation. Shouldn't be an issue with all the money he's saved whilst living with you.

tachycardigan · 02/12/2023 05:09

Take his key back, dump his things outside!

I’m angry for you, he is a cocklodger!

Codlingmoths · 02/12/2023 05:32

It’s your parents house, I’d change the locks personally, file for divorce and for child maintenance, get all the paperwork done at once! I’m so sorry you’ve ended up in a second relationship like your first one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2023 05:42

Is his name on the rental contract op?

This is financial abuse and coercive control. Please, please don’t allow him to stay in your life.

2jacqi · 02/12/2023 07:46

@moanymoanymoany this does not tell us the difference between what you and he are paying?? you have lumped your dd's into what the bills are! why do you work things out like that. money should be pooled not his and hers!!

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2023 08:50

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 23:46

I feel this thread has made me see that I am not unreasonable or going mad, I'm not asking for much at all.

I'm just going to chill and take tomorrow as another day - I won't be bowing down at all, he came back and when he told me we should get a divorce earlier and how he wasn't going to come back!! Mind fucking me

Good. Let him apply for the divorce. Saves you £500 and the bother of doing it yourself.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2023 08:53

I misread.
'No, you no longer live here. So, no, you cannot have a shower or cook here. In fact, please give me your key back to save me having to change the locks. Bye.'

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2023 08:56

When you get some control back from when you've had none in a relationship, it feels really weird op. Lovely weird. I didn't realise it at the time, but when I was with my exh all arguments used to end up with me shouting - he'd push all my buttons/gaslight. Anyway - divorce, head straight, no emotion. Then, I stayed calm at our next argument. He was absolutely floored. Literally didn't know what to do. It was wonderful.

notapizzaeater · 02/12/2023 09:03

Just think how much better off you will be without this man child leeching off you. Get your claim in with cms

pickledandpuzzled · 02/12/2023 09:07

Oh no! I’m sorry to see that update.

Tell me you see him clearly now and are just working out the details of how to split?

Get your papers in order, check your situation and get him gone.

At the moment you are paying him to be there. Wouldn’t life be better without him?

And make sure he doesn’t get to sponge off you in a divorce, either.

Pumpkinpie1 · 02/12/2023 14:47

OP why are you putting up with this man?

therealcookiemonster · 02/12/2023 14:50

are you ok OP? I really hope you don't just let him go back to status quo

AutumnFroglets · 02/12/2023 14:57

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 23:46

I feel this thread has made me see that I am not unreasonable or going mad, I'm not asking for much at all.

I'm just going to chill and take tomorrow as another day - I won't be bowing down at all, he came back and when he told me we should get a divorce earlier and how he wasn't going to come back!! Mind fucking me

He's been mind fucking you from the beginning but now he's being more obvious about it all.

Take today as a breather, then start to find your anger over how he is treating you. He is not a good man, he will never be better than this. It's time.

Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 02/12/2023 16:36

ManateeFair · 01/12/2023 16:37

I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again

But OP, you already have made the same mistake. You say he changed after you had your first child, but you went on to have more children with him and recently got married. Even though he has never contributed anything - literally nothing - to your household finances, including towards the care of his own children. And even though he is emotionally abusive. (Because yes, getting angry and defensive and storming out of the house every time you ask him a perfectly reasonable question about money absolutely IS abusive behaviour. You must see that, right?)

Get rid of this horrible man from your life. He's a shit partner and a shit dad. Go through CMS for maintenance money from him.

Please, please do not start any more relationships until you've had some counselling/therapy, because the fact that you went from one abusive scrounging bastard husband to a second abusive scrounging bastard husband is a serious worry. It sounds like you really lack boundaries and judgement around what a healthy relationship is like, and this is making you vulnerable to abuse.

@ManateeFair

I 100% see through him, and you are absolutely correct. I think these men see me as a push over and can see me coming a mile away - I met him at a pretty vulnerable time in my life.

I will not be going near any other man ever again, I've always said to my friends and family. If it doesn't work, then I will not be in a relationship again and I mean that with every part of me. I can't go through this again, the first time was hard and this time I'm actually broken and in disbelief I've let it happen for the second time.

I'm even starting to remember times before we had our joint account, how he would tell me at the checkout to pay for the shopping - on the rare occasion he would be like I'll pay for it. I really ignored those red flags and I'm really pissed off at myself for letting another so called man treat me like this. Fed up and I have no one to blame but me

OP posts:
Original poster
moanymoanymoany · 02/12/2023 16:39

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2023 05:42

Is his name on the rental contract op?

This is financial abuse and coercive control. Please, please don’t allow him to stay in your life.

No it isn't, it's just my name

@Mummyoflittledragon

OP posts:
MintJulia · 02/12/2023 16:54

Sounds like a freeloader to me. I'd be buying a house on my own and not inviting him in to it. My children would come first.

Namechange4234 · 02/12/2023 17:12

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:51

I feel like this is so true, I'm starting to resent him. His lifestyle, attitude and financial contributions. I do dislike him, when I really think about it.

Show quote history

You love him then a few posts later you dislike him 🙄

Get rid of the scrounging wanker and change the locks

LifeExperience · 02/12/2023 17:13

Another man-child who won't support his family. Yippee. Stop asking and TELL him how it's going to be. If he won't step up, get rid.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/12/2023 18:30

Op I’m glad you are seeing him for what he is.

Do you have a plan for getting him to leave?? The wise women on here can help you.

You can start by draining the joint account and arranging a locksmith. You can call the police and tell them you will be asking your husband to leave and you are concerned about his reaction. They can give you advice and also be there when he leaves.

He is clearly very manipulative so I suggest you get a pre paid phone just for communications with him and leave it turned off most of the time. Block him on everything else.

Once he is gone apply for cms, single council tax and any benefits you might be entitled to. Look into shared ownership if you want to pursue home ownership. You can have a really happy peaceful life. But not with this man in it. Best wishes

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