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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreement with husband over money

181 replies

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:06

I feel husband is very selfish and doesn't contribute as much as he should.

We got married this year and our finances have alway been separate and I am not happy with the lack of contribution from his side. I've not even asked for half of the bills or contributions towards the kids - I'd like him to contribute £300.

I pay -
All bills amounting to £1400 a month - that's including my personal DD. We also have children, I pay for everything for them ( that's not included in bills)

He sold his house and only has to pay for the car that he uses, I don't use it and he rarely takes me places in it. It's more for him to go to work, gym and also help his take his family places. The car is electric and pretty low maintenance- he pays for the electric used.
He has personal DD's that he pays for, they roughly come up to £400 a month.

After that his money is his and saves a lot after this.

I earn more than him roughly by £600 a month but we got into a disagreement about me asking him to contribute more. He made every excuse of how he has this and that to pay for.

We are going to buy a house soon with going half on everything. I am worried about money, I always will as I was was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm getting the same selfish vibes.

He wasn't like this at the start, after we had our first child his attitude changed.

AIBU - to feel like I shouldn't have to pay all the bills alone and he does not contribute financially to the house hold/kids?

OP posts:
Outforlunchallday · 01/12/2023 15:15

I can’t believe what I’m reading. How can you let him get away with such disgraceful behaviour. Honestly, I would be leaving him, let him pay for his own bloody house if and food and servant. Stop being a pushover and take control OP.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 01/12/2023 15:15

What on earth does this man add to family life?

It's not just the money. The money is a factor but it appears he has zero respect or interest in how happy and functional his household is.

I would seriously consider divorce. You can stay in your parents house and cover the costs yourself. You will get more out of him maintenance that you currently do.

Thedm · 01/12/2023 15:18

I can’t believe this. What are you doing? Seriously, what are you doing with your life?

Why have you married him?

I really think you need to go and tell someone in real life. Go tell your parents, go tell your friends. Just… tell someone who is actually physically present in your life and can help you get out of this and get him out of your home. And do not date again until you sort out your own issue; do the freedom programme and get counselling. Don’t date.

laclochette · 01/12/2023 15:18

Aaaaartgghhhhh.
So many red flags it's more like red bunting.
Please for the love of God get thee to a therapist and figure out what is at the root of this pattern you keep repeating in relationships and the men you are drawn to. Ideally while telling him he either sorts himself out and starts acting like a team, or you're out. Sounds like you would be no worse off without him! And emotionally, better off! You're being exploited and it's cruel and truly awful to read.

You are in an extremely strong position at the moment, living in your parents' house. Ultimately you can boot him out and you'll have the most understanding possible landlords. You have security from which to build a new life. Seize this moment, please. If you buy a home with him you give up all the power you currently hold to change things and it will be so much more messy and tangled. I am amazed frankly that he is being so cavalier with you, given he is benefitting so much from your set up at the moment - a secure rental, with a fat discount, all expenses paid. That says to me that he really thinks you're a total pushover and he can get away with absolutely anything. Show him it isn't true!

Chickenkeev · 01/12/2023 15:20

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:51

I feel like this is so true, I'm starting to resent him. His lifestyle, attitude and financial contributions. I do dislike him, when I really think about it.

Show quote history

You need to readjust your mindset. It's not 'contributions', it's 'responsibilities'. And he isn't bothered with either. You're being completely mugged here.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/12/2023 15:22

Sadly, he has turned out like your ex. I'm sorry that this was only evident after you'd had your first child with him.

You can start divorce proceedings once you've been married for 12months (unless things have changed). This guy is a selfish arse, get rid now. You could just kick him out as he's not contributing anyway, so not like you'll be in dire straights financially once he's gone. You can hit him up for CMS too. He'll love that. Any man who needs to be ASKED to contribute to his own children or household is not a keeper.

justasking111 · 01/12/2023 15:23

@moanymoanymoany you've had a baby your problem, you have to feed, care for yourself and baby again your problem. Face it he's doing you a tremendous favour warming your bed in your parents home. Lucky, lucky, you. He gave you one of his precious sperm fgs

Get a big roll of bin bags, empty out every, cupboard, drawer, shelf. Fill every bag. Open the bedroom window etc and lob out each bin bag. Trust me it's easier and faster than carrying them.

Workawayxx · 01/12/2023 15:23

Well, at least you know you can manage financially without him. In fact you'd be better off not having to pay for his food! He knows what he's doing, he's only defensive because he knows you have a point. Don't let your DC grow up thinking this kind of inequality is normal.

ohdamnitjanet · 01/12/2023 15:24

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:42

Definitely not, especially before such an important move. I have made it abundantly clear that when we buy a house we go half on everything deposit fees, mortgage and bills.

But I will be surprised if it doesn't end up in a big argument, he is very defensive. He will probably walk out and go to his brothers ( he has done this in the past).

Show quote history

Let him, them get your lovely landlords to change the locks. Bet he’s not on the tenancy.

MrsSunshine2b · 01/12/2023 15:25

"relationship, with a selfish man who didn't help at all financially - I don't want to make the same mistake again. I'm getting the same selfish vibes."

Sorry to break it to you, but you've already made the same mistake again. Get the ball rolling on the divorce and take a bit of time to think through the red flags you won't ignore next time.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 15:27

Op, please, be smart and end this marriage now while you still have the upper hand. Kick him out and get a divorce. There is absolutely NO saving this marriage or changing this man.

After the dust has settled, get therapy. You need to figure out why you keep choosing unsuitable, abusive men.

CatOnTheLap · 01/12/2023 15:32

Are you sure you earn £600pm more than him? I wouldn’t trust him to be economical with the truth. You might find out he’s had a payrise and only earns slightly less than you do……which makes it even worse that he’s not paying his way.

Daisies12 · 01/12/2023 15:33

FFS why do you even have to ask this, makes me so angry. Of course it's not OK. Why did you ever have kids or marry someone like this. Do not buy a house with him!

HerMammy · 01/12/2023 15:33

I'm astounded you only got married this year!!
Why, why, why??

NotDonna · 01/12/2023 15:34

Try speaking to him again but suggest you each pay a percentage (for example 65%) of your income into the joint account which covers everything, including rent, bills, kids costs, groceries, trips etc plus a bit extra. DH and I did this as our income fluctuated from me earning a bit more than him then him earning 3x my income. At no stage would 50:50 have been fair (to us). The percentage system works really well and seems fair. If he’s not receptive to this idea then there’s something very wrong.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2023 15:36

@moanymoanymoany

Sounds to me as if you are pretty much living as a single parent already. Paying all the bills, doing all the domestic work, and being the primary carer for the children. On top of this I expect you're cooking for him, cleaning up after him, providing him with sex. Jeez, he's got it nice, doesn't he?

Honestly, I'd get rid of him and BE the single parent you pretty much already are! I guarantee that you'll be less stressed, have less work to do, fewer expenses, and be happier without the resentment his cockloging causes.

You're in a house owned by your parents. It's the perfect time to kick him out because it's not likely he's going to 'complain to the landlord, now is he?

skyeisthelimit · 01/12/2023 15:39

If you can't discuss it face to face then that is a huge red flag anyway.

He needs to sit down and discuss it all like a grown up. Add up how much everything costs and work out a fair split to pay it all. Ask to see his payslips or bank statements and show yours, to see exactly how much each of you take home each month. If he won't do that, then stop. Think about your future and your options. He needs to pay his way for himself and his children

To be honest though I would not be buying a house with him until he starts to contribute more now. Otherwise he will own 50% of a house that he will probably pay nothing into .

Nevermind31 · 01/12/2023 15:39

You ARE making the same mistake again.
make it very clear what his contribution needs to be (same amount left over after bills/ joint responsibility - ie he is not “giving” you money towards bills - they are his bills/ responsibility too) and throw him out if he doesn’t agree.
Dont but a house with him until this is sorted!!!

Quitelikeit · 01/12/2023 15:40

Well done for texting him.

Do it again and hammer home how you want a man who will support you financially and look after you.

Im shocked that he lets you pay all bills and keeps his salary to himself

How much does he earn?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 01/12/2023 15:41

He needs to pay 40/60% of everything, as you earn more

followmyflow · 01/12/2023 15:42

OP, you need to see significant financial contribution from him long before you consider buying a house together. you are both living in the same rented residence right? so you should at the very LEAST get half the rent from him.

am i reading correctly that he doesn't even pay for his own food?
have you asked him why on earth not?

LuluBlakey1 · 01/12/2023 15:44

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:19

That's a good way to go about this, maybe I will put this forward to him later and see what he says.

We have a joint account, for food shopping. He has never contributed anything to this account.

Show quote history

Well it's not really a joint account then. It's an account that only you put money in but he spends.

I have no idea why you only want him to contribute £300 a month to household bills that are £1400.

You let him get away with meanness and selfishness - towards you and your children. What kind of man does that?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/12/2023 15:46

End your relationship with this vile man who saw you coming.

Work on yourself on why you value yourself so low that you put up with this.

I just can't imagine how these chats work..
'You need to pay half'
'No I don't, you're unreasonable, you should pay most.'
'Oh ok then. Yes, that seems really fair.'

pickledandpuzzled · 01/12/2023 15:46

Thank goodness your parents own your house.

You can ditch him relatively cheaply.

DO NOT let him promise you the world and come back. Let him go to his brother. Do not believe he will pull his weight in future.

He has had years to pull his weight. It’s too late for him to panic and start to help now.

PickAChew · 01/12/2023 15:46

moanymoanymoany · 01/12/2023 14:19

That's a good way to go about this, maybe I will put this forward to him later and see what he says.

We have a joint account, for food shopping. He has never contributed anything to this account.

Show quote history

Do not pool money with him. If he's not even contributing to this then you must not let him get at any of yours over and above that already allocated for joint expenses. Unless you're both on very low incomes then £600 isn't all that much difference at all.

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