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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Catza · 01/12/2023 09:57

They planned for a certain number of guests and yes, I think it is unreasonable for boyfriend to enter the picture after all the guest arrangements have been made and all the costs have been totted up with catering, accommodation and venue. If they were getting married at a registry office, then squeezing an extra person may not have been such an issue. However, even then they may not want to have a total stranger at their wedding.
I think a compromise where the boyfriend travels at his own expense and isn't part of the wedding party is a reasonable one.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/12/2023 09:57

On the fence, I think DD should be able to take her boyfriend but I don't think her DF should have to pay for him

piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 10:00

If dd wants to take bf, the dd and bf can pay for the flight.

They will have to save up for it

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 01/12/2023 10:03

How long have DD and her bf been together? Ex should be paying for DD to go. No one has any obligation to pay for the bf. He should pay for himself, or him and DD can split it.

KatOH · 01/12/2023 10:04

Why on earth would they pay for the BFs flights? That doesn't make any sense to me. Surely he just pays for his own

Theproofofthepudding · 01/12/2023 10:04

Will she even still be with bf in July? Agree with pp he doesn't need to be a wedding guest, she's going to be busy with her role surely?

Pootles34 · 01/12/2023 10:04

She thinks she can have all the perks of being a kid (getting everything paid for) whilst also having the perks of being an adult (getting to bring her boyfriend). No way should your ex be paying for the boyfriend's ticket or anything outside of the costs of the actual wedding.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 01/12/2023 10:05

Ex needs to pay for DD - not DDs bf.
But i agree that the discussions on this should be between DD and her father not the gf.

harriethoyle · 01/12/2023 10:06

Agree with pp - no reason at all why ex should pay for DD bf. She sounds rather entitled...

plumtreebroke · 01/12/2023 10:07

Why didn't they give the DD a plus one initially? Is she meant to be alone in another country for her father's wedding?

BoohooWoohoo · 01/12/2023 10:08

I agree that dad should be talking to daughter.

18 and in school or 18 and at uni/gap year/working? How long has dd been dating?

Dad should pay all of his DD’s expenses but not unreasonable to say no to bf’s expenses.

How much are tickets to the destination?

Scarletttulips · 01/12/2023 10:08

I think arch is unreasonable expecting an 18 year old to travel alone and should be more inclusive - either for the wedding / meal or paying flights - it’s his daughters comfort he should be thinking about.

I would text Ex and say - I think it might be best if you called DD over the Wedding arrangements as there maybe some context lost via text.

and leave it there

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 10:09

Dd won't go to the wedding without bf. Dds text her back now and said if they don't pay for flights then they can't go.
The gf text and said they were going to pay for some of the flights up to £100 (they would be more than that).
So dd has said she's not going to be a bridesmaid now.
They both don't have jobs as they are still at school so can't pay anything.
It sounds like exh won't have time for dd anyway 😕.

OP posts:
Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/12/2023 10:12

Your daughter is 18, she has plenty time to save up for her flight and her boyfriend for his. She's sounding very unpleasant now, trying to blackmail her dad.

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 10:12

Honestly I would go against most of the posters here. They should absolutely pay for 100% of the costs incurred by a school going child to be a part of their wedding.

In this instance, I would also pay for my own son's partner if it was me but I can see why some wouldn't.

How long have your DD and her bf been together?

Catza · 01/12/2023 10:15

BF presumably has parents who can finance his flights. Why is it up to your ex to pay? Is he paying for any other guests to fly?
Your daughter sounds a bit brattish from your last update. Ultimately, it's her decision if she wants to skip the wedding because her dad (rightfully) refused to pay for the boyfriend.

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 10:15

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 10:12

Honestly I would go against most of the posters here. They should absolutely pay for 100% of the costs incurred by a school going child to be a part of their wedding.

In this instance, I would also pay for my own son's partner if it was me but I can see why some wouldn't.

How long have your DD and her bf been together?

Every single poster bar 1 so far has said DD's daughters ticket should be paid for, so you are not going against anyone.

Debate is re the BF

harriethoyle · 01/12/2023 10:16

I think you need to be careful @tukker that your enmity for your ex isn't meaning you are encouraging DD to something she'll regret. Refusing to go to her DF's wedding because of a boyfriend she's extremely unlikely to end up with in the long term is something she could regret bitterly.

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 10:16

@Myfabby apologies if didn't word that correctly, I was saying I would go against posters as I would cover all costs for both of them.

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 10:17

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/12/2023 10:12

Your daughter is 18, she has plenty time to save up for her flight and her boyfriend for his. She's sounding very unpleasant now, trying to blackmail her dad.

curious, how does a school aged 18 year old who isn't working save?
And I don't see any blackmail here..

PurpleTinsel555 · 01/12/2023 10:18

In my family it would be expected that DD would have a plus one (boyfriend, friend, whatever) and your ex would pay for their flights, accommodation, etc. They're a guest to facilitate your daughter having a nice time at the wedding. I would see it as a small price to pay for my daughter to feel comfortable and enjoy herself.

The crux of the issue here, I feel, is that your daughter, her father and his soon-to-be wife don't have a close or loving relationship. Your ex and his gf are being stubborn about this because it doesn't matter enough to them for your DD to be at the wedding and enjoy herself. (A little part of the gf may not even want her there.) They're the adults. This situation is on them.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 10:18

Dd is not entitled or spoilt, shes been in a foreign education system for a year and is working incredibly hard. She's been with her bf since February and is really happy and he's a good influence on her (they go to college together). I took them both to UK in September to meet exh and all families and paid for everything. It seems that maybe they don't like him and don't want him to go 🤔.
I'm of the opinion that if my elder dd in uk had a bf and wanted to come to my special occasion then I would pay?

OP posts:
tomatoontoast · 01/12/2023 10:18

Your daughter is being unreasonable.

If she's going to die on this hill of having her boyfriend there I understand why your ex's soon to be wife is giving her an ultimatum.

I think you need to let her work it out. Maybe a consequence like being asked to step down is what she needs.

Bluevelvetsofa · 01/12/2023 10:19

Who knows whether they will be together by the time of the wedding. They’re young and things change.

Ex should pay for her flight and expenses. It’s unreasonable to expect her to be there on her own and I’d have thought a plus one would be included for the wedding, so could they pay for his flight between them?

Although they’re at school, many 17 year olds have weekend jobs. Is that a possibility?

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/12/2023 10:20

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 10:17

curious, how does a school aged 18 year old who isn't working save?
And I don't see any blackmail here..

Show quote history

Weekend job? Evening job? She's pretty much said unless they pay she'll no longer be a bridesmaid