Ex and his wedding

[tukker]

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

The new wife probably doesn't like your DD very much either OP, these things are always mutual. She doesn't actually want your DD at her wedding and will be pleased with this outcome. It's a poor hill to die on for a boyfriend who will most likely be dropped before she finishes uni. Her dad is going to pick new wife and their relationship will not recover.

Quite. I appreciate we can only ever have one side but it feels very deliberately skewed to painting him as a villain and missing some very crucial key parts.

I'd say it's not unreasonable for your DD to want a travelling companion and someone who's there just for her. Some people like travelling alone and others don't, and at 18 she may (quite reasonably) prefer to have some company for the trip.

If I'd been the one inviting, I would have probably asked for a contribution to expenses for the bf but definitely not expected two students to fully fund their trip to a special occasion. Maybe a smaller amount like saving up £100 to go towards travelling expenses and their own entertainment while on holiday.

Your ex and his gf are risking their relationship with your DD and are upsetting her over, what, a few hundred pounds and an extra guest that they can largely forget is there? That's really sad.

Her older sister doesn't have the same father and will not be there. We all lived in the UK and everything was normal I dont see what your trying to insinuate.

Since dad barely pays any of her genuine living expenses, he absolutely should cough up for the costs incurred in her attending his wedding. And the tight fisted bugger should pay for her bf to go, since that is about his daughter's comfort.

If he was paying half of her true living costs, there might be an argument to say he wasn't responsible for the boyfriend's flight cost (although imo he should still invite the bf, so his dd has company), but since he's bailed on his basic obligations, this is the least he can do in my view.

I think as her mum is trying to to have a conversation with him about how she is feeling - that her comfort doesn't seem to be a thing he is considering and that she's nervous about bringing alone. If he does nothing, at least you've tried. I agree that she's setting this up as a kind of test and the relationship will be affected by the decision he makes now. I'd give him the heads up that she isn't feeling safe or considered and then at least he knows what's going on and can react in full knowledge of her state of mind.

There is no villain in this, I got divorced and we went our separate paths. He has another child with his gf they want to get married, fine by me! I'm doing something different.

Wow. Your DD is really selfish. She’s refusing to go to her father’s wedding because they don’t want to have a random guest that none of them are going to know in about a year’s time anyway?

And not just that, but she expects them to fund this randomer too! Which wouldn’t even need funding if her own mother hadn’t moved countries and taken her away from said father, and then she has the audacity to complain about the bond she had a hand in ruining.

You haven’t brought your daughter up very well at all. I’d be ashamed.

They were unreasonable to expect you to pay for flights but your dd is being a brat. She's 18 and doesn't have a job so her dad should pay for her flight but he shouldn't be expected to pay for the boyfriend not should they have to accommodate him. It isn't a holiday they are going on and if they want one they need to pay for it themselves. Its a wedding so how much time do you think her dad should be giving to her anyway? I do think it's out of order to expect her to pay for her own food though.

He sounds like a bit of a waste of space as a dad but you sound like you overcompensate. At 18 she shouldn't expect everyone to accommodate her boyfriend.

Yes these questions are just nosy and intrusive. It's not uncommon at all that one parent might move away or indeed abroad after splitting up. If your EXH agreed to it then you are certainly one step ahead of the many parents who end up in court for months to agree a move. It doesn't matter why you moved, what matters is your EXH shirking his Dad duties by letting his GF handle this situation when either way he should be the one talking to his daughter, hearing her concerns and finding a way to resolve it. The fact that he did agree to you moving, and now seems fairly uninterested in ensuring his DD is at his wedding, makes me wonder what kind of Dad he is - but that's not a reflection on you, just him

I imagine that his girlfriend’s dad’s wedding isn’t his idea of a holiday, so he’s just going to support his GF. Why should he or his parents pay?

I'd be ashamed if I'd written this weirdly nasty comment! And presumably you're not 18 so what's your excuse?

The thing is OP even if you were a terrible shrew and harridan and were 100 % responsible for the failure of your marriage and had behaved appallingly ever since, your ex and his new girlfriend are still being mean by not offering to pay your daughter's expenses and not offering her a +1 if she wanted.

The boyfriend needs to sort himself out. Can’t his parents pay or he needs to get a job to fund himself. Your daughter is being entitled. Presumably there will be some cousins or grandparents there too and she still has friends in the U.K. perhaps one of them could join her if her boyfriend can’t afford it. I defintely don’t think 18 year olds get an automatic plus 1.

My inclination at the early stages of the thread @tukker would have been simply to sit back and let this one play out - albeit lending a listening ear to my DD when necessary. It seems that's already happened, and any advice is already obsolete. However ...

DD is an adult; her DF and his DP are also adults. It's no longer on you to facilitate that relationship. This one falls well within the boundary lines of 'not my circus, not my monkeys' to me.

I'm also not with the general MN consensus that failure to attend a wedding is an unforgiveable sin, even if it's the wedding of a close family member. These occasions are never as important to others as they are to the bride and groom. And this one involves inconvenience, travel and expenditure.

You are well within your rights to refuse to pay for any aspect of your DD's attendance. This is a CF request. I also agree with you that the move overseas is irrelevant. The rest is just brouhaha over something fairly insignificant. Your DD knows her own mind, has decided what she wants to do, and her future relationship with her DF is now a matter for them.

This too shall pass.

Wow thanks for that! In actual fact, since the gf and new child arrived on the scene the bond has been going downhill anyway, and said father hasnt the spine to see it!!

Your daughter is at school. Of course her dad should pay all her expenses to attend his wedding if he wants her there. But not a 'friend' too if her sister is going, and in the same situation, as they can support each other.

The communication from his gf suggests to me they are not bothered either way. And painful though that is for your daughter, it does give both daughters the freedom to make a decision that suits them.

And as ever there is a sizeable cohort of posters who are very happy to jump to that and villainize the bloke in any situation

IMO, your DD should have been allowed a plus one invite since she is an adult, but since they are adults, I do not think her father and his partner should have to pay for their flights or food.

The OP has said the sister is not attending. In the whole scheme of things not paying for boyfriend is pathetic behaviour.

FWIW this happened in my family too. Parents divorced, Dad remarried and had a baby with someone else - treated my Mum horribly throughout, myself and all my siblings now have no contact with him (for various different reasons and fell out over many different things, not even just one 'big incident'). If your EXH had his head screwed on he'd be making sure his DD is there and comfortable, paid for, not letting his new GF push her out.

Your ex and his partner have the right to not want your daughter’s boyfriend there. Although, I would allow him if it were me, as I wouldn’t want my daughter feeling alone/uncomfortable.

I think a fair compromise would be you and your ex go halves on the cost for your daughter. Your boyfriends parents pays for him.

Hang on. The sister has a different dad so she’s your daughter too?

Thank you, I feel like I've opened a can of worms with this thread, but it has diverted my attention to not texting my exh and making things worse. I have no part in the decision apart from maybe taking her to the airport (at my cost!).

Always someone else to blame.

"Maybe exh will regret not keeping a bond with his daughter if and when the marriage fails, who knows?!"

You are not doing your daughter any favours here by your clear bias against your ex and his partner and your bias towards the demands made by your daughter. You claim to be acting neutrally, but that does not come across. You should be encouraging a good bond with her father by showing that he is not being unreasonable, reassuring your daughter that they want her there, that her older sister will be there and that she is loved by both parents. Instead, by not acting entirely neutrally, allowing your daughter to call the shots, you will be partly responsible for any deterioration in their relationship.

You commented that her Dad won't even have time for her when she is over there. That is really unhelpful. Of course he will have time for her. But it won't be all about her on the day. You could well be contributing towards her lack of self esteem in the future, her ability to resolve relationship issues and her wellbeing. This has become a battle of wills and there will be no winners.