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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Wibblywobblylikejelly · 01/12/2023 10:37

FloydPepper · 01/12/2023 10:25

This is spot on. I’m presuming you don’t mean this to happen, but it could look very much like you’re encouraging daughter and being stubborn about attending just because a boyfriend can’t come is something that may damage her relationship with her dad and she’d regret later on

daughter needs encouraging to go. Not encouraging to refuse

Show quote history

No she doesn't.
She is 18. An adult.
Her relationship with her father is now between her and him.
OP is not responsible for anything regarding the two of them. She's free.

Vuurhoutjies · 01/12/2023 10:38

It's obvious your ex is a bit of a dick - expecting a (still 17 year old) to pay for her own flights, or you to pay for them, to attend HIS wedding is a bit batshit.

Unfortunately this has then escalated as I agree with everyone else - there is no obligation for him to pay for the BF. I think it would be nice to allow the BF to come, but he should pay for himself (or his parents, most likely). I would expect your ex to put your DD and the BF up, feed them etc, as one would expect any parent to do when their child is staying with them.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 10:38

User1775 · 01/12/2023 10:31

DD is using this as a test to see who her father picks - her or the gf. He will pick the gf and DD's relationship with him will be ruined. It is a shame but not uncommon. His gf has created this battleground over what? A few hundred pounds but she will get what she wants - rid of DD. It is a shame some men are so weak they allow this to happen.

This is how I see it tbh. Especially with the gf texting my dd, he's a spineless person. It's his wedding its not my problem but I feel he still thinks she's a child but she's not.

OP posts:
Catza · 01/12/2023 10:39

waterrat · 01/12/2023 10:32

AT 18 I would have expected to bring my boyfriend to my own parents wedding. She is a teenager and wants to feel welcome and have a buddy with her.

Come on - think like a teenager here! This is her closest family member - her dad ! Provide food for two days??? this is basic parenting.

Providing food for an unrelated child isn't basic parenting. The couple technically agreed for him to come IF he finances his own trip. So what is the issue? He can ask his parents for money.
Or if the OP is happy to have paid for him travelling to the UK in the past, maybe she will be equally happy to facilitate his travel to the wedding while dad pays for his daughter. But I don't think expecting for the couple to pay for him as well as carry on the financial and admin burden of including an extra person in the wedding is a fair expectation.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 10:39

Ghentsummer · 01/12/2023 10:36

I was assuming your ex had moved to the UK so was thinking he should obviously pay for his dd's flights and expenses. But it seems that you moved her abroad last year in which case perhaps you should be paying for the flights.

It's mentioned all the time on here that the parent moving the child far away should be covering the costs of travel for the child to see their other parent. Why should your ex have to spend hundreds on flights because of a decision you made?

Why should I pay? He was in agreement to dd moving abroad. I paid for dd to go this year.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 01/12/2023 10:40

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 01/12/2023 10:37

No she doesn't.
She is 18. An adult.
Her relationship with her father is now between her and him.
OP is not responsible for anything regarding the two of them. She's free.

Show quote history

17, a child (just)
who might make a mistake based on teenage stubbornness that she’ll regret. It’s on all the adults here to try and stop that mistake.

ManateeFair · 01/12/2023 10:40

He should pay for DD's flights and accommodation. She's his daughter ffs.

However, I don't think he's being unreasonable to say she can't bring her boyfriend, or that if she does, he won't pay for his flights.

SauronsArsehole · 01/12/2023 10:41

tukker · 01/12/2023 10:32

It's a tough one, I see it from both sides. I'm not encouraging my dd to do anything I'm just talking to her objectively.
Yes the bf may not be around after July but dd doesn't want to travel alone and be left with people who she doesn't really like.
Exh knows she has no money but would have been perfectly happy for me to pay. He even said so! which I am not.

I think it’s entirely reasonable for a teen girl to want and have a travel partner.
be it a boyfriend or a best friend.

it is about safety too! Creeps don’t just stop at the plane gates they are on the plane and through security.

plus the comfort of having a familiar nonjudgmental face to take 5 with.

the EX should pay for both to go. Even budget flights for the two teens would be absolutely reasonable for the ex to pay for considering you would be making sure she and the BF have appropriate travel insurance/ visa/ passport etc. you’ll be making sure everything but the flights are sorted out.

could there be an issue with the ex or the GF not wanting DD and the BF to share a room? Have the expected DD to share a room with another female?

is she just a bitch not wanting DD there? Does she think DD and the BF will outshine her? I presume this will be the first time her fathers family will meet the BF of their granddaughter.

PrimalOwl10 · 01/12/2023 10:41

They should pay for dd but not her new bf that's ridiculous as her mother you need to be the reasonable adult and explain that to your dd.

YourNameGoesHere · 01/12/2023 10:42

tukker · 01/12/2023 10:39

Why should I pay? He was in agreement to dd moving abroad. I paid for dd to go this year.

Show quote history

This is an odd stance. He could hardly stop her going at 17?

He's offered to pay for her flights but that wasn't good enough because he also won't pay for her BFs. Look I know you don't like him but he's really not being unreasonable here.

laveritable · 01/12/2023 10:43

Her BF does NOT have to go!

Electrolens · 01/12/2023 10:45

I disagree with most posters.

I can’t imagine getting married in a different country to where my school aged child is and not covering the costs for them to come to my wedding and bring a friend.

justalittlesnoel · 01/12/2023 10:45

I mean he should pay for his daughters flights / food / accommodation, especially if travelling out of country.

The BF though? No chance, he can pay for himself, his parents can pay for him etc. Not your exHs responsibility to pay!

Your DD seems to me like she's kicking up and fuss and deciding this is her hill to die on as a test for her dad, which she'll remember forever. Tbh she's picked a silly one imo! He's a boyfriend of less than a year currently, and knowing how long weddings take to plan and pay for he's hardly a long-standing partner that deserves an invite, even less an invite at the cost of the bride and groom for international flights, accommodation and food!

Tomelette · 01/12/2023 10:47

Ex pays for DD flights.

If DD wants her BF to go and won't go without him then the BF needs to pay for his own flights.

Has the Ex and his fiancée even met the BF?

What was the reason for DD moving abroad?

I don't really understand the DD not having a job. Don't most teens have part time/weekend jobs?

TerfTalking · 01/12/2023 10:47

I don't think the BF should go. She's 17 and this BF might not be around this time next year. I wouldn't want him on my wedding photos for ever either, money aside.

SgtJuneAckland · 01/12/2023 10:49

There's a lot of people saying he's agreed to pay for the daughter's flights, no he hasn't they've offered £100 towards them. Why you wouldn't pay the expenses to have your own daughter at your wedding I don't know and tbh I'd swallow the cost of the boyfriend too, if it made her more comfortable to come, especially when the new wife is so combative with her. It would be important for me to have my teenage daughter with me, but maybe not so much for him.

YourNameGoesHere · 01/12/2023 10:51

SgtJuneAckland · 01/12/2023 10:49

There's a lot of people saying he's agreed to pay for the daughter's flights, no he hasn't they've offered £100 towards them. Why you wouldn't pay the expenses to have your own daughter at your wedding I don't know and tbh I'd swallow the cost of the boyfriend too, if it made her more comfortable to come, especially when the new wife is so combative with her. It would be important for me to have my teenage daughter with me, but maybe not so much for him.

They did offer. The OP says so in the first post.

Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf.

I took the £100 as an offer for a contribution to the BFs flight but might be wrong.

SgtJuneAckland · 01/12/2023 10:52

@Tomelette · Today 10:47

Ex pays for DD flights. he's refusing to, just offering a small contribution

If DD wants her BF to go and won't go without him then the BF needs to pay for his own flights.

Has the Ex and his fiancée even met the BF? Yes when OP paid for them all to go and visit

What was the reason for DD moving abroad? Her mother was moving and she is still at school

I don't really understand the DD not having a job. Don't most teens have part time/weekend jobs?
it's not permitted in the country they live in

The OP has already answered all of these questions. If you click see all under her post you can see all of her responses.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 10:53

DDs bf says he doesn't want to go now (I don't blame him he's probably been made to feel unwelcome), so Dd says she's not going now sigh

They have all met her bf in September when I took them over...at my expense!

I think she needs to speak to her dad about it. I'm really not wanting to get involved.

OP posts:
SgtJuneAckland · 01/12/2023 10:54

@YourNameGoesHere

From OPs response
The gf text and said they were going to pay for some of the flights up to £100 (they would be more than that).

Surely the Dds flights alone will be more than that

YourNameGoesHere · 01/12/2023 10:56

SgtJuneAckland · 01/12/2023 10:54

@YourNameGoesHere

From OPs response
The gf text and said they were going to pay for some of the flights up to £100 (they would be more than that).

Surely the Dds flights alone will be more than that

I took that as to be a contribution to his flights given they'd already said they would pay for her flight.

Not much point querying it now though as she obviously won't go if her BF has said he won't. I think personally she will regret it in future but who knows.

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 10:56

tukker · 01/12/2023 10:53

DDs bf says he doesn't want to go now (I don't blame him he's probably been made to feel unwelcome), so Dd says she's not going now sigh

They have all met her bf in September when I took them over...at my expense!

I think she needs to speak to her dad about it. I'm really not wanting to get involved.

I actually figured the BF would pull out at some point, so would I if I was made to feel so unwelcome. Is it that he is a boyfriend that they have an issue with? I wonder would it be the same if she was taking a best friend?

Definitely try and stay out of it for your own sake if you can. They can sort it out between them all.

Toddlerteaplease · 01/12/2023 10:57

BF is not invited. Therefore he doesn't go. I wouldn't want people I don't know at my wedding.

Potentialmadcatlady · 01/12/2023 10:57

I would have laughed at my exh if he had suggested I pay for our DD to attend his wedding ( side note: it didn’t happen, new girlfriend realised what a prick he was and left him).
They are just such princes these men. He will ruin his relationship with her. Mine certainly did.

GreatGateauxsby · 01/12/2023 10:58

This is ridiculous and not "a tough one" in any way.
Amazed at these responses....
It's his wedding
It's his daughter (who is not financially independent)
It's his responsibilty to pay

If deadbeat dad wants to pretend he is father of the year to his mates at wedding no 2 he can pay for his OWN CHILD and to attend.
How YOU are in any way responsible for getting her there is frankly laughable

Additionally, any decent person would want their children to feel comfortable, happy and enjoy themselves. Not be standing around knowing no one and feeling awkward. On that basis I personally would invite and pay for the boyfriend an extra few hundred on a ££ 000s wedding is neither here nor there...

Your DD has done the right thing saying she doesn't have £200+ to piss up the wall on daddy wedding and won't be a bridesmaid

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